SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Basically title. I can't help but kinda chuckle to myself when my wife ruined her life for a short, fat, balding, goblin looking "man"(?) You couldn't at least pick someone with good genes and or a good testosterone level? He was in his late 20s by the way sorry honey, but I draw the line at beastiality

My husbands AP is very unattractive both in appearance and personality. I have always thought so even before they had an affair.

It doesn’t make me feel better or worse but only because I don’t think his affair had anything to do with her, or with me. She is how he was fighting a battle within himself.

To me her unattractiveness is proof to me of that. If she had been beautiful, I still wouldn’t be bothered. She would still be unattractive. Qualities of anyone who will sleep with a married person are always subpar. And I deeply include myself at the time of my affair. There was nothing good going on there.

In either case, had he decided that’s what he wanted, more power to him. It’s not a reflection of me. People don’t do things because of other people, they do them because of whatever narrative they have told themselves.

"Your perception of me is a statement about you, my perception of you is a statement about me"

AP1 was fully and outweighed me by at least 100 pounds. AP2 was 20 years younger and cute.

The A had very little to do with me and everything to do with XWH'S dysfunction. What helped me to realize this was to pretend like I was watching a movie. Sit back with a bag of popcorn and let the scenario run through my mind.It helped me realize that I was a minor character in their sh!tshow. (This was deliberate and not dissociation. I know the difference.)

I don't think that a person's looks have much to do with the A.

What is interesting is how many affairs occur where the AP is "less than" or clearly the cheater has affaired down as the saying goes.

The funniest part of my H’s two affairs is that both were drama queens and wackadoodles. I am not like that at all.

His last affair was the most interesting. This girl was covered in tattoos - neck arms back boobs legs etc. & her boobs are her best asset as they hung out of every shirt she owned.

One day long after the affair ended my H made a comment how he doesn’t like when women have too many tattoos. 😳 yes he did say that.

I had to secretly laugh b/c that is the EXACT person he was going to D me for - a tattooed 30 year old drama Queen.

You just have to laugh at the ridiculousness of it all

In my case, AP was...similar to me. Very much so. But after a while changed her hair color to very dark [I am light blonde]. Allegedly she wanted to look different from me so WH would "know who he was with" when he was with her.

When I saw all their years long span of photos - many of her nearly or totally naked - I remember bitterly thinking "well...he has a type"

It was "funny" later when I finally outed the LTA to OBS and he mentioned her change. She'd allegedly been blonde their entire decades long relationship. And he couldn't understand why she wanted to make such a drastic change all the sudden. To date - she has kept it dark.

At the end of the day - it doesn't matter if she is a beauty queen or Jabba the Hut. It matters that was in his life at all.

At the end of the day - it doesn't matter if she is a beauty queen or Jabba the Hut. It matters that was in his life at all.

At the beginning of the day and all through it, too.

My husband’s AP was at least 400 pounds. (Not kidding) she eventually had weight loss surgery and lost down to the size of a typical obese American) If I am being honest, it did help me understand fairly quickly that it was not about her, me, or the marriage, it was him. It granted me the luxury of never doubting my self worth. 🤮🙄🤷‍♀️The only self esteem blow I took at all is the knowledge of being married to such messed up man.

I mean if you ask me, yes totally ugly - and an ugly personality to match. What he saw in 2012 AP was the total exact OPPOSITE of me - in body type, shape; she was short and fat (sorry...truth), she looked like Fiona from Shrek - same body type. She was frumpy, dumpy, she had bad skin - looked like acne from teenage years had left her skin pock-marked; she kept her hair in a very short bob; she had stubby fingers, feet were shrek feet, fat legs, fat ankles. Not that I'm a beauty queen or anything - I inherited really good genes I guess because my siblings and I all look so much younger than our true age. I have great skin, curves in all the right places, shapely legs, full lips, and very long brunette hair. And I take care of myself - eat right, exercise. So when I saw this OW, I was FLOORED - truly. My H is very good looking and all I could think of was he chose "that"? I never met her in person - only saw pictures of her on FB and then when I discovered their hundreds of text messages, pics etc...I got to see a whole lot more than I ever wanted to for sure. (ouch my eyes!! you just cannot "unsee" that). Did it make me feel good that she was a train wreck? No I actually was just sad for him because he was willing to give up what we had, our family, our life, our children, goals, dreams, a wife who loved, appreciated and respected him (until the A of course) - AND I was the one who took care of him when he came back every single deployment scarred, broken, depressed, anxious, traumatized - for that?? What came out during his IC was that he was very broken inside, he was suffering from survivors guilt - he had witnessed many (12) of his men get killed in action - including his best friend. He came back wondering why he had been spared. He felt that any given minute his ticket was about to be punched and he was going to live his life to the fullest - everyone be damned. When he came home from deployments it wasn't a reset period for us as a family - I mean it was supposed to be, but truly it wasn't. His job was so specialized that when he returned stateside, the whole time he was "home" he was preparing to go back to the middle east or wherever he was needed. And in those periods he drank alot, he had poor impulse control - shopping, spending money frivolously, buying cars, motorcycles, driving dangerous and fast - like he was trying to get himself killed. It was a crazy, crazy time. The A was a part of that period of time. He was looking out for number 1 and everyone else was along for Mr Toad's Wild Ride. The AP was a woman he went to HS with 25 yrs earlier. He reconnected w/ her on FB and they got to chatting. Back in HS he was not a popular guy, he would say he wasn't part of the A Group, the snobs. He was just a regular guy he said. She was popular in HS, part of the cool kids, the A Group. And when she showed interest in him during these FB interactions, he admitted in IC that it became a challenge to him to see if he could get her to sleep w/ him. She didn't age well - and I think he just had beer goggles on to be honest. And it was a game - at my expense unfortunately. For her, she was in this horrible marriage, two small kids, dead end job, no excitement...and then here comes my H, world traveler, exciting, adventurous, adrenaline junkie, handsome, decorated soldier - just like this really cool guy that is paying some kind of attention to her. The OBS told me that she fell hard for my H like head over heels, AND I think that's why when the whole thing blew up in their faces, she clung to him - she for sure thought he was going to D me and marry her. It's been 11 years and I don't think much about her anymore - they have mutual friends; in fact his cousin is best friends w/ the AP. And every once in a while an old HS classmate will share a photo of a mini reunion or a get together and she will be in some of the photos. I just look at her and think was a bat shit crazy nut job she is. We don't go to ANY of his HS reunions or get togethers - just because we don't want to run into her...EVER. She didn't take the end of the A well. I was told she became suicidal, she was depressed, felt like she was "used" (newsflash...she was). Then she stalked us - in person and on social media. We ended up moving 2500 miles across the country to get away from her and all her craziness in 2013. I did note however, that right after the A ended, she started to grow her hair out like mine! There was absolutely NO excuse for my H to do what he did to me, to us, to our family - and I think that at the time of the A, when he was spiraling out of control, it would have been anyone, he didn't target her or go after her - she was a convenience, someone who just happened to say "yes" to him. If it wasn't her, it would have been someone else I'm sure of it. Just like hikingout said his A had nothing to do with me either, she was how he was fighting a battle within himself, a tool, something to use. Anyway he F'd up again in Dec 2022 - the beginnings of an EA w/ inappropriate, flirty messages w/ a woman who is (WAS!) a family friend, someone he grew up with and has known since childhood. Same bullshit, fighting his demons within, going thru another crisis. It was discovered within days of it starting. That woman - same thing, total opposite of me. None of this was about me - and I didn't look at them and feel better about myself because they weren't "attractive" - I actually felt sorry for them because they were used.

The former AP is not ugly but definitely not a head turner. 99% of the time her hair is a rats nest, bad skin, small squinty eyes, large forehead. She is younger than me by 8 years and at the time had no children. Her body shape was boyish and thin. She is also as dumb as a rock, which I knew from several people who hated having to interact with her. She is a very negative person and is heavily medicated for depression.

I am in my mid 30s. I am not "beautiful" in a show stopper way but I have very beautiful eyes, a great smile, and despite 3 kids I have a fantastic toned body. I am very smart, a great mother, independent, and caring.

I get great satisfaction that the OBS yelled at my husband " Your wife is hotter than mine and way fucking smarter, why the hell did you touch mine?"

My ex had a same sex A with another man.

So, i never compared myself to AP.

There is so much more to it than looks. My WWs AP was not her type at all. He was right place right time.

When I think of an AP I think of how they think they are winning something, but in actuality they are accepting second place. A BS is not willing to accept anything but 1st place and exclusivity, so they operate in secrecy.

I don’t put much thought into his looks as much as I do his character, it’s really pathetic.

My WW's AP was almost a decade older than me or my WW. He came from a wealthy patrician family and was at the time of their affair, A medical professional with a wife and several young children. He was wealthier by several magnitudes than I was, and enjoyed a country club lifestyle which he never admitted my WW into. He wss affairing down, she most definitely upwards. Her AP was nerdish, pleasant and kind from my few interactions with him prior to him bedfing my WW. He was a taller man well over six feet whereas I was just six feet, he had more hair, where mine was never as thick. He was an accomplished philanderer, my WW knew her immefiate predecessor, and was aware that he continued his serial philandering after he finally dropped her. He was however, an unhappy man, incomplete and not whole, something lacking in himself. He died almost eighteen years ago and although he wss a pillar of our community and a seemingly repentant major presence in his church, his family removed all traces of his life from the internet and no photo accompanied his one published obituary. I struggled at first with competing with his ghost, but I am now at peace and in a process of Reconciliation with WW, more importantly, I'm alive and learning to love and trust her again, he on the other hand is deceased and forgotten even if members of his family privately grieve his passing.

AP was also a bad person, like my wife. He carried a gun him everywhere he went (can't imagine it was legal, dude dropped out of highschool) she risked her life, my life, and most of all, my kids lives. For bad sex, obviously there's no way he could satisfy her so anyways, the gun and kissing my kids after having sex with him just infuriates me. Maybe I could forgive and try if she was just a bad wife, but a bad mother? Who the fuck does that shit? She had decided to herself "let's gamble, maybe he comes and kills my kids, it's worth the risk" I'm incapable of having an affair, so risking the lives of people isn't something I understand.

Honestly? Yes, it does make me feel better.

H has a company party in a couple of weeks where I'll most likely see OW. Last time I asked H what she looked like these days, he said she had gained a bunch of weight. That was at least three years ago. I hope she hasn't lost it, because I've gained a little weight, too. (There's some transparency for ya.) I'm a little nervous about it, and have shared that with H. Thankfully, my daughter, SIL, and two gorgeous grandsons will be with us, too. They'll be a good distraction, and I can show them off.

I get great satisfaction that the OBS yelled at my husband " Your wife is hotter than mine and way fucking smarter, why the hell did you touch mine?"

This made my day, thanks for sharing it!

My wife reports that POSOM was very poorly endowed and struggled to keep it up. I believe the word to best describe how I feel about that is schadenfreude.

My wife's was and still is a Troll.
What bothers me about the fact that he's a troll, is that I was naive enough to felt no threat from my wife finding anything attractive about him.
Before she ever did anything with him, she had said he was nice. I should have started paying attention when she said that. Also he had blue eyes, I'd been with her over 30 years and never knew she loved blue eyes.
On the other part of the equation my wife is way more physically attractive than the AP's wife.
The Troll hit the jackpot with my wife.
Still makes me sick, to think of what she did with him and it's 5 1/2 years since I found out.

I wish man. So many of the responses in this do seem to draw some comfort from it, and it sounds like the characteristics of the AP when WS "affaired down" in a physical sense makes it easier to realize that the affair wasn't about you or AP but about what's broken inside the Wayward. Wasn't my case though. My wife just chose a guy who's totally opposite from me. I don't think better or worse, just would depend upon any individual woman's preferences and what she finds attractive. And a part of what's maddening to me is that I hear all these BS's saying that the AP was not their spouse's type and it doesn't add up, but the fact in my case is that I'm the outlier. I can go back and look through her boyfriends before me, and they all much more closely resemble AP. I can look at her celebrity "crushes" and see her attracted to both. AP is a different ethnicity. He's thin with six pack abs but a slight build through the arms and shoulders. I'm by no means fat, but don't have six pack abs and carry a lot more weight than him with extremely broad shoulders and large, well defined arms. I outweigh him by 60 pounds, in both desirable and less desirable ways. So it's kind of a toss up. He's got a decent looking face, so do I, just different. He's a white collar guy in middle management at a big corporation, I'm a blue collar skilled labor guy who turns wrenches and fixes things for a living, and our income is nearly identical, but from extremely different types of work. According to WW he's hung like a porn star but struggles with ED and is soft even when he's able to get it up, I'm an absolutely top of the bell curve average guy in that department but have never had any performance issues. So, what's better and what's worse? Did she affair down? Based on character I know she did. He's a punk with no character. He's unfaithful to his own wife and will sleep with a married woman because he has no honor. But I also think we as BS's want to compare physical attributes as well and see how we stack up with AP. I'm not sure why, but I think it's human and normal. So in my comparative exercise, I sincerely cannot tell if she physically "affaired down" or not. I wish I knew. But I sincerely think you could ask a hundred women and see a 50/50 split just depending on their preferences... until you pointed out that one is a cheater and the other is a faithful loyal man. So I guess it ultimately does just come down to that.

Yeah, as BSs we can take comfort that we are always better than APs and WSs

I struggled with this at the time of disclosure. I never saw it coming, so shock is part of the equation.

WW wifes AP was her boss. He was white collar manager. Me a blue collar mechanic, though in a lead role of a large facility making really good money for someone my age.

He 6'2, 6'3 former local basketball star, now referee and very athletic. His size commanded ones attention. Me 5'10, in decent shape, not necessarily athletic but I had strength & stamina from work.

He wasn't handsome in my opinion, probably had severe acne in his youth. Had a big mouth and large teeth. I compare him with a horse. Me, I consider myself of average looks,but, always somewhat self conscious of my looks. My features are symmetrical, clear complexion and have been told I have a nice smile.

Self consciousness haunted me early on, always comparing myself to him. I wallowed in it for years. Fastforward to now, after the help of IC and all the guidance I've read here I see things a bit different.

His moral character is in the toilet. My WW wife later realized she was played, but a willing participant.

I love how Dontgetit4 distills this down to a lowest common denominator, "we betrayed spouses are always better than APs & WW Spouses". Thank you SI and my Counselor for getting me to this point. I suffered way too long. Advice to anyone paying attention. Don't suffer in silence, don't let shame prevent you from reaching out for help. Life is too short.

Not only did I feel better but it also made me laugh after I saw her. Just image Jabba the Hutt with a wig and whallah that’s what he chose to destroy his life over. I am and was her total opposite. I’m very attractive and have an hourglass figure so this was a shock to everyone. But I admit my ex did find his match physical and looks wise. I now realize I had beer goggles on for my ex spouse for years. I’m so embarrassed now and mad at my friends that didn’t tell me I married someone that looked like a big toe. Ugh.

Although many affair down I agree with others that every AP is never on the level of the spouse. We would never accept second place or being a secret. My ex had told me he was embarrassed to be out with her and would never bring her to work events. Yet he loved bringing me to show off at his company events. Nothing they do makes sense and never will. He also told me she was the only one that took the bait. They just find anyone that’s willing and those are slim pickings. Even if they find someone "attractive" it’s pure luck and obviously the character is non existent. It’s sad really how low they’re willing to go for some strange and validation.

I posted pics of his paramour on Facebook and all my friends and family still speak of it and laugh until this day. It was just that absurd. Hmm I should repost for old times’ sake lol! Good times