This is a hard question to answer because I think the focus changes a lot.
We are in year 3 right now. I think the affair is something that still effects us and likely will for more years to come. But, we are not triaging quite the same way.
Year 1 for me as a WW was just getting my head out of my ass. There was progress, it was slow. A lot of it was coming to terms with how big of a bomb that I just put into my life. As we got to the latter parts of year 1, I could finally see how much damage I had done to my husband and marriage. I think all waywards come to that realization at different times, some never reach it. But the understanding of what I have done is when remorse set in. Remorse made me humble. It made me understand whatever it was he needed, I was going to do it. This is something it sounds like your husband hasn't gotten to yet, because if so he wouldn't be asking you to rugsweep the affair and just work on fixing the marriage.
But, even in year one we did work on our marriage some. We took weekend trips and did leave the affair behind for a couple days here and there. This too was happening towards the end of year one. For us, we needed time to be husband and wife and to try and remember what it was we were fighting for. Not everyone feels that way or does this, but it was important to us and set a big tone for year 2.
Year 2 - I worked my ass off to fix myself. I had made a lot of discoveries about myself in year one, and I started that work, but the most progress came after the remorse hit. I was in IC for all of year one and just off and on in year two. It was because once I had the discoveries - it took time to apply what I had learned. So, IC was about checking in and getting to the next steps. We did marriage counseling starting around month 10 ish? This was when my husband really committed to R. He had waited until it seemed like I was going to be a viable person to do it with. I don't even know if that was conscious on his part, it sounds like he had it all together when I talk like that, but he didn't. He just wasn't putting up with any shit, is more where he was.
In year two, as we both worked on ourselves we did make a conscious decision to work on our connection. Some of that was important for each of our healing. Without making efforts towards the marriage and each other, I don't think I could have even practiced some of the things I needed to work on.
I do think that the focus for a long time has to be on individual healing, but reconnecting should not be ignored...but only after the WW has gotten what they have done, realized that you are not over reacting, put down their defenses and gets in those trenches in a big way. They should be self-motivated, and self propelling. Them doing that will allow you to feel more like you have a safe place to heal. My husband didn't feel like he had to hold himself as separate because he didn't fear that I was going to forget what I did, that I could see what I did without him having to keep a distance to remind me. His walls started to come down as I apologized, took responsibility, pursued him.
This non-sense about "let's just build a new marriage and forget the past" isn't going to cut it, it only says to me your husband may regret or feel guilty about his behavior, but he is not remorseful yet. That part takes time, intention, empathy. I read the JFO and other BS forums a lot to understand further what went on in his head, that helped me a lot. Reading books was helpful as well. Your husband right now is still in denial about the damage and wants things to go back to normal, that is not realistic. But, it's also not an uncommon WS reaction, it doesn't mean that he won't get there either.