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Did I fall short

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NorthernMSB posted 12/12/2019 15:14 PM

ok. bad day today. Isn't it funny that loss of hope and dreams can be as staggering as a physical blow.

I am not going to get into the sordid details but want to ask for some truths.

Ok. Let's say I was a shitty wife, the worst wife who has ever said I do That I ignored my husband, put work above his needs, put kids above his needs, put my family above his needs, put the animals above his needs, verbally abused him, put him down somehow, was "mean" well, was a bitch. Didn't do the household tasks the way I should, was opinionated, was a know it all, was somehow just a bad wife.

If all that was true did it give him permission, a reason, a justification to step out of my marriage for years and years? Ok, I wasn't perfect, but I couldn't have been that bad 8 or 9 months into my marriage to a man I absolutely adored? Could I? That is when it started.

So, truth, do my shortcomings as a wife mean all this was something he could do to me? All this fucking pain is deserved for my flaws?

[This message edited by NorthernMSB at 3:25 PM, December 12th (Thursday)]

3greatkids posted 12/12/2019 15:18 PM


If you were the most horrible wife on the planet, all you deserved was a conversation from him about his unhappiness, and then it would’ve been up to you to change, or him to accept you wouldn’t change, or time to get a divorce.

Plenty of people in horrible, miserable marriages do not use them as a justification for cheating.

I’m sorry this is so painful.

EllieKMAS posted 12/12/2019 15:18 PM

Short answers? Hell to the NO nmsb. Nothing you ever did our did not do justifies his cheating.

And FWIW, you were and are not the worst wife.

Please don't let yourself think that way!

landclark posted 12/12/2019 15:24 PM

No, and if that's the shit he's trying to get you to believe, he's still a wayward and still a dick.

We all have flaws. All of us. It doesn't give anybody an excuse to cheat. If you can't handle these supposed flaws, either talk to your partner, or ask for a divorce. You know, like an adult would do.

My WH tried to tell me we were disconnected. Disconnected 4 months into marriage? Umm, no.

straha20 posted 12/12/2019 15:28 PM

My clinically diagnosed NPD ex-wife ticked pretty much every box in your initial post, with an extra dose of physical, sexual, and financial abuse thrown in, and I never once even came close to cheating on her over our 20 year relationship. I did divorce her when she decided to bang our our youngest kids teacher.

[This message edited by straha20 at 3:29 PM, December 12th (Thursday)]

fooled13years posted 12/12/2019 15:32 PM

NorthernMSB, my ExWW had shortcomings and flaws as does my wife, as do I and every other person I know.

I was teaching a class and several of my students were late by 10 minutes. They all had the same excuse:

I got caught by the train which caused me to be late

I explained that the decisions they made to not leave earlier than they did caused them to be late, not the train.

Unless you held a gun to his head and forced him to betray you, nothing you said, didn't say, did or didn't do caused him to betray you.

hikingout posted 12/12/2019 15:39 PM


So, let's say you were all these things (I doubt you were but I understand the reason you are putting the question this way). Did someone zip his mouth shut?

As a WW, I could have spoken up about the concerns I had, issues I had, etc. Your husband had a responsibility to you to bring up problems and see if they could be worked through. If not, sure he could decide to get a divorce because you couldn't get on the same page. Cheating? Nope, that shouldn't have even been on the table. Nothing gave him a right. Would he have had the right to be unhappy? Sure, but his happiness was his responsibility, and he did not fulfill that responsibility appropriately. 100% on him.

emergent8 posted 12/12/2019 15:40 PM

Nope. This is all on him. His shitty actions. His shitty boundaries. His fragile ego.

None of us are perfect spouses. None of us deserve any of this.

NorthernMSB posted 12/12/2019 15:48 PM

I think it is done.

I just signed a huge project contract. I now have 3 I am doing simultaneously as well as some small ones. My father almost 10 years ago now screwed us over financially in a big way not really maliciously but through some bad decisions and he lied to us and my husband blamed me. Blamed me the whole time and I have been working SO HARD for my whole life but so much more in the last 10 years to somehow make up for the thing my dad did.I have done well and since I caught WH cheating last year I have used work to survive. I am burnt out and emotionally spent. But...I recently was contracted out of the blue by a different publisher who will pay me three times what I usually make and this new partnership is very good.

I asked my husband yesterday to just be kind. Be patient. To help a bit so I can do this enormous amount of work for us. To just for once in 22 years not feel he has to tell me I'm wrong, or "defend" himself if I am abrupt. To just for once be a soft place for me so I can do this. I have an Apple Watch and for reference I am averaging 2 hours and 34 minutes sleep a night or 24 hour period for the last 8 days. My pulse actually dropped to 41 the other day. I am burnt out. Husband reluctantly agreed.

This morning after staying up all night working, I curled on my office floor on a pillow for 32 minutes, I was up and about making lunches, an extra sandwich for my husband because he really likes them, cleaned the kitchen, walked the dogs, fed the dogs, etc so on. He got up and was truly nasty to me for some reason I cant fathom. Went downhill from there and ended with him YET again telling me all my many flaws and the justifiable reasons he "talked to some one else" . I am apparently a horrible horrible person who should be grateful he stayed with me after I begged him to on Christmas Eve. And There it all is. again.

Now I am trying to work. Will be working all night again. with all this on my mind and in my heart. I write for a living. I need to be focused and have no distractions. How can he possibly have done this to me AGAIN when I was so clear about what I needed to succeed. I am so fucking tired of the cruelties and nastiness people inflict on each other. I'm just fucking tired that I'm starting to believe he might be right. Maybe I was that bad. I did my best.

[This message edited by NorthernMSB at 3:55 PM, December 12th (Thursday)]

Hippo16 posted 12/12/2019 15:50 PM

short answer

Absolutely not!

If he was a "man" he would have tried to fix your relationship and if met with no change, or insufficient change, separate morally and legally.

THEN start poking around -

Just curious - did he share any of the housework?

Cooley2here posted 12/12/2019 16:24 PM

I am going to be cruel to be kind. We teach people how to treat us. Use the word “NO” and mean it. This is all about power. Who has it and who doesn’t. Get yours back. Stand up! You are worth more than this.

I can relate to this. My husband uses sarcasm. I finally learned to tell him to stop trying to put me down because it wasn’t working. Every.single.time.he.tries. I remind him it isn’t working. I am a stuck record. “Nobody puts Baby in the corner!”

tushnurse posted 12/12/2019 17:25 PM

I know you say you stay for financial reasons. Do you realize that you are being abused?
The longer you stay the more broken you become. He may not leave physical marks on you but you are definitely being abused.

Please see an attorney. make a plan and get out. You would be better off being broke and poor than to continue to allow him to break your soul.

(((And Strength))))

Dorothy123 posted 12/12/2019 18:13 PM

I agree with the others.

You did not do anything to bring the A onto yourself.

Simply, your WS cheated because he wanted to.

LLXC posted 12/12/2019 18:47 PM

Sometimes people in shitty marriages or with shitty spouses use that as an excuse to cheat.


If you are so miserable then talk to your spouse about it. If they don't change or you realize you can't take it then divorce. It is simple.

And if you were so bad a wife, why the hell didn't he just go?

LLXC posted 12/12/2019 18:54 PM

I am going to be cruel to be kind. We teach people how to treat us. Use the word “NO” and mean it

I see this on here all the time and I think it is kind of bullshit. There are millions, billions, who are actually just nice to people. Even if they have no self esteem. Even if they don't demand it.

I know a lot of people wherein had to demand respect and I tend not to want to deal with them.

I understand if you've built a life with someone and maybe they are taking you for granted, I get it, I just think everyone deserves better then that.

I agree this is abuse. See an attorney and find out your rights. If I were you I would file and get away from him. If he changes, great. If not, fine, you are gone

20yrsagoBS posted 12/12/2019 19:54 PM

How does crawling on their yellow bellies into depravity correct your shitty accomplishments as their spouse?

It doesn’t.

I am “hard driving”, “black and white”, and he thought our marriage was over. Reasons for slithering around the backseat of cats with a whore.

Funny how I am still all those things.

So, no.

You can be a crummy partner, but fucking skanks won’t improve your abilities.

I don’t understand their logic either

rebplay posted 12/12/2019 20:05 PM

I’m so sorry you feel that way. I have beat myself up
About this very thing. I thought I was a pretty laid back not too demanding or needy wife. I wasn’t perfect but thought I wasn’t that bad. After the cheating I thought I must be horrible to live with and an awful person and I just didn’t know it. It’s a total mindflip about how you see yourself, your spouse/other, how you see the relationship you thought you knew. I just wanted you to know you’re understood and so many BS on here have gone through the same feelings. It sucks and we don’t deserve it. Hugs

OwningItNow posted 12/13/2019 04:36 AM

NorthernMSB, you are trying to do it all. Why? Why is it your burden to "fix" everything in life--the money, the dogs, the food, the marriage? You have some serious CoD stuff going on here, the kind where you try to earn love as if you are not worthy just by being you.

2.5 hours of sleep a night? Then making lunches and taking care of dogs? And making him an extra one "because he likes them"? So, let me get this straight: your solution to him making your life harder is to be nicer to him? To beg him to be nice to you?

I am very worried about you. You cannot fix him or the marriage through kindness, accomplishment, perfection or love. When you stop putting all of that energy toward every living thing other than yourself, you will begin to feel better. Love yourself. Let this sorry excuse for a partner make his own damn food so that you can work. And then put ALL of that money into your own account and kick him the hell out! If he doesn't want to feed the dogs and make the lunches to help you out, he does not get to live there. Period!!!

Stop treating someone well who is literally abusing you with his negativity, blame, criticism, lack of support, and overall selfishness and entitlement. You are teaching him that he is the one who matters (extra love and kindness for him!) while you get nothing, nothing at all.

Are you in IC? You need the support and guidance that an IC can provide. You deserve some freaking support!!! Please go to IC.

I used to live your life, but I finally learned to love me. And it completely changed my life. Now when I need rest, I say, "No dinner for you all unless you find it," and then I climb into bed with some snacks, a glass of wine, and the remote control. And I relax. Please, for this Christmas, give yourself the best gift of all--freedom from guilt when you selfishly take time for YOU. Learning to say "No" is the best gift ever.

Please sleep today. No decorating, baking, cleaning, cooking, talking to your H, or thinking about your H. Write for 10 hours, relax for 2 hours, and sleep for 12 hours. I promise you, you totally deserve it.

Buzzy posted 12/13/2019 05:07 AM

Northern, no one forces your H to be shit it is his nature. No one forced me to have a RA and to treat my wife so badly afterwards.

I learnt a hard lesson and your H needs to learn one as well, put your requirements in writing and the consequences of not meeting them, stop being his dogsbody, you deserve far far better.

hikingout posted 12/13/2019 08:47 AM

Oh MSB -

I can't tell you how much this was me for the 18 months prior to my A (And I know you aren't having an A, I am just relating to what you are talking about). I was working around the clock - 18 hour days most of the time. Getting little sleep. It got so bad, my soul was dust. And, add in the fact that you are teetering on that empty nest thing (yes, I know I mentioned that already, but this same thing was happening to me as my youngest was in her senior year of highschool). I scrambled to deserve love, and as I took on too much to handle and I was dropping more balls than led to devastating feelings of failure, and that lent itself to feeling unlovable.

I eventually was diagnosed with emotional exhaustion, which is from what our doctor told me what they used to call nervous breakdowns back in the day. You are at a crossroads that I know all too well. While I am certain that your coping will be different than mine was, this is a three alarm bell ringing loudly that you need to be very careful about self care, be aware that this has a high likely hood of wrapping itself around empty nest (if your child is going to leave for college or otherwise). Getting myself back to well enough after running myself into the ground, and understanding the boundaries I needed to put in place, and being able to not be numb was a terrible climb out of a terrible hole. Please, take it easier and do what you need to do to protect yourself, care for yourself.

I echo OIN, please get to IC. I wish I had someone telling me that before all the turmoil that followed.

[This message edited by hikingout at 8:50 AM, December 13th (Friday)]

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