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I've been reading a lot in the healing library and the stories others have posted and I feel like I am not at the place that everyone else is. It seems like everyone else is totally broken by their infidelity and so deeply ashamed. I am not proud of my affair or anything like that but I don't feel that strongly either.

For background I had an affair for 2 months this year. I haven't confessed to my wife but am planning to do so very soon. With my affair I feel like it was wrong because of the consequences. I know how my wife feels about things like this and it may very well mean the end of our marriage. If I am being honest I don't think it was wrong just because. I spent years and years of being accused of infidelity wrongly. The previous few years our marriage has not been a priority to her. We were just being. There was no effort into our marriage.

I called off the affair in the middle of the affair for two weeks and tried to open up to my BW and the best husband I can and she continued to ignore me and just was annoyed that I was trying. Right now the affair is off but I haven't told OW its done forever yet. Haven't spoke or seen OW in a few days either. She is still texting me a lot and I've responded some but not as much as normal.

I am hoping to confess to my wife tomorrow evening. I've been reading about how to confess and not to trickle truth and I think I will do what I have to there and leave the choice to my BW. If she is willing, I will go NC with OW and end things forever. I would be willing to give my BW everything and make sure I have no way of contacting OW.

My problem is I don't hate the OW, I don't really completely regret my affair, and I still look back at the affair positively. I don't want to continue the affair because of the chance that our family could be destroyed. I know that the affair was wrong but I feel like why it happened was both of our faults. Is this just something that changes with time or am I just messed up?

[This message edited by CheaterNoah at 3:56 PM, November 14th (Wednesday)]

BS here.

First, congrats for taking the time to read through the Healing Library as a way to help you. I applaud your intent for trying to avoid TT. Trust me, it is one of the worst things about an A from a BS point of view, and one of the toughest to forgive.

Put another way, TT is like death by 1,000 cuts. Each subsequent revealed lie is another D-day for your BW.

If it's shame you're hoping for to either make you confess or stop the A, I think you're a long way off yet. Your justifications for A). Having the affair to begin with, and B). Remaining in it (contact of any sort keeps you mired in the affair) with the OW, speak to that. I guess I’m confused as to what more has to happen to make you feel guilty or more shamed of what you’re doing? Actually, what you are doing is the classic cake eating tactic of leaving the OW hanging while you figure out how to manage your BW with news that will surely shatter her.

If you are truly sorry for your actions and remorseful – and more importantly – repentant to change, then you WILL regret the affair to the highest degree and look to change your ways so that it doesn’t happen again.

Please, don’t justify it with saying the A was the fault of both of you. If your marriage was unhappy or unhealthy for you, there were many other choices you could have made to either fix it or leave it.

The best course of action here IMO is for you to decide if you really are going to end it so that when you tell your BW the truth, there is truth behind your actions. I’m not seeing that from what you’ve written.

AJ’s MOM

CN,

Right now only you have the critical information to be making informed decisions about the state of your marriage. My guess is that most likely you were accused of being unfaithful because you displayed poor boundaries with women and untrustworthy behaviour. It's highly unlikely she just pulled her accusations out of thin air, and even if she did, you had opportunity to do just about anything else BUT have an affair in response.

So I'll be honest with you, though you may believe this rationale.. nobody else will.

All I can suggest to you is to give your wife the truth to make decisions regarding her marriage and her life. I am going to venture that when you see her reaction the first inklings of shame will take hold.

Also, I would truly like you to analyze this statement

I called off the affair in the middle of the affair for two weeks and tried to open up to my BW and the best husband I can and she continued to ignore me and just was annoyed that I was trying

You took a two week break from your secret girlfriend and your wife who knows absolutely nothing about what you have been up to didn't respond appropriately to the test she didn't know she was taking?

Again.. give her the information before you make any assumptions about how she will react and what she thinks of the marriage because I will guarantee you.. once you are both party to this information, you are going to be surprised at what she thinks.

I don't think you can make informed decisions about any of this stuff until all those who are part of this equation know what they are dealing with.

If you've read around the site, you know what 2x4's are..get ready, they're coming. You will be handed some hard truths from some strong individuals. I am no expert and am currently not in R post affair, but if there is one piece of advice I can offer, it is to end the affair. If for nothing else, just to give yourself clarity. My A lasted over a year, and it has only been 3 weeks since my husbands discovery. Trust me when I say that you will never truly see yourself for what you are until you see the devastation and impact this has on your spouse and family. You will justify this A until the bitter end, until you are forced to make the choice. Trust me when I say that she WILL find out, and when she does, the weight of the world will feel like it just landed on your shoulders. Do yourself a favor, end it, and make a decision.

you will never truly see yourself for what you are until you see the devastation and impact this has on your spouse and family

This was my experience as well, Noah. Others "got it" without having to see it figuratively kill their spouse. I did not.

I do believe that you will look at your affair and the OW very differently once your wife learns the truth. When that happens, it becomes "reality."

CN, I don't think you have to worry about shame or anything real negative, I mean you are obviously justified right? Mean ol wife didn't make M a prioirty and then you tried really hard for 2 weeks in the middle of your A.

You are walking in the shoes of a justified person and asking how we who have made horrible choices, making choices that rock us to our core. You just have to walk a mile in them to get it.

So you always felt being a cheater was ok?

When you disclose your A to your wife and see the pain on her face, reality will hit home.

While the A continues to be the secret, why would you really feel that much shame? It is still hidden, safely away from the light and truth. When you shine the light on it, you will begin to see the A for what it is was....VERY WRONG

CN,

I you apparently have no shame for what you are about to do to your wife and children, because after all she pushed you into it, how about what you have done to yourself?

Is this the person you envisioned yourself to be? A liar? A cheat? Someone who would break up his family over some strange pussy? Because that is what you are doing. Was it worth it to you? I hope it was, because that is exactly what I am hearing you say. Every single bit of it was worth it to you. I am a WW, so I get the entitlement that can lead us down that path, however, to have no shame in having to tell your spouse, and the fact that you may break up your family over the fact that you wanted a good time, that really takes some balls. Someday you may have to tell your children how it was worth it. Just like my dad with me. Only my dad said he would have done it all different. I hope you don't have to have that conversation with your children.

My suggestion, get rid of the idea that this is her fault to. Unless she told you to go out and fuck someone else, she bears zero responsibility. If you needed it that bad, that is what divorce is all about, you don't do it like this, this is what cheaters and liars do.

CN, please, if you take any advise given here, please confess before she finds out.

Others "got it" without having to see it figuratively kill their spouse. I did not.

Heartbroken says it all. I did not either.

It will hit you like a ton of bricks. I justified it till the end, and even when I figuratively killed my BW, I still was too cowardly to give her all of the answers she deserved. It took me 4 months, a slow and painful destruction of my wonderful wife, and I watched it happen because I thought I could save my ass.

If you have any hope to save your marriage, and not to be harsh but it does not sound like you are there yet, confess.

I don't really completely regret my affair, and I still look back at the affair positively.

Tell her now, tell her tonight, because you will find all sorts of excuses not to tell her tomorrow, or the next day or the next. If you still look back at the affair positively after you confess and see the pain on your wife's face, then do your wife a favor and leave her.

Please read and re-read the advice you are getting.

Best of luck to you and your W

Noah-

You're indicating that you know how she will react, but do you? Do you really know that it will turn everything that she knows about your M into a big question mark? Do you know that she will be in so much pain that she may forget to eat? Do you know that everything up until this point in you M will be viewed as a painful memory by your W? She may become someone very different from what she has been.

Most importantly, do you know that the pain that she will live with every day for YEARS is 100% your fault? She did not make you cheat. She didn't dictate your bad decisions. That's all you.

If you knew all of that, you would feel shame, trust me. More importantly, when you do feel the shame, what will you do with it? Wallow? Feel sorry for yourself? You would be wasting your time.

Tell her. Then start working on your shit.

I wish you both well.

Hi CheaterNoah,

On your last thread, you mentioned that you flirted shamelessly (your words) with the OW when you first met her at the restaurant. You've also said that your wife accuses you of cheating without merit.

Was that the first time you've flirted shamelessly with another woman (you said this happened BEFORE you guys exchanged texts and your wife found them, got upset, and you said "fuck it", right?) or have you done this before? Have you done this in front of your wife or always when she's not around?

I ask because, even if you think she has no merit, even if you think you're only doing these things when she's not around and therefore she has no grounds for complaints, other people have eyes too. Others could tell her what they have been seeing from you, if this is the case that you flirt shamelessly when she is not around.

Why did you flirt with the OW when you met her? Were you considering this harmless? Where do you think your wife's accusations are coming from? A place of control? Or a place of hurt? I would imagine it's a place of hurt. If you're admitting to flirting shamelessly before you even began pursuing an A with OW, before your wife called you out on the texts, I'm guessing this isn't a rare event. I'm guessing that the shameless flirting, at very least, is a part of your character, and it probably makes your wife very uncomfortable. More uncomfortable than you are acknowledging.

I hope you will tell her. If you truly do not regret the A, then your wife deserves to know the truth about her married life so that she can move on to someone who values fidelity. Or she might give you another chance. But she needs to know what cards are on the table.

For starters.. I'm so happy to hear you're going to confess and taking responsbility for your actions. It will be the first of many steps to come.

I called off the affair in the middle of the affair for two weeks and tried to open up to my BW and the best husband I can and she continued to ignore me and just was annoyed that I was trying.

That's pretty similar to the shit I pulled. I cheated once, tried to play good wife and still got ignored.. Waaahhh poor me! I then kept up my cheating crap and signed up for a cheating website so I could really get myself into further trouble.

Shame will come CN.. End the affair, go NC, confess to your BW and holy shit brother, you will be so disgusted with yourself. There is a healing process that both you and your BW will have to go through, just because you screwed OW.

Also her suspicions of you cheating before is definitely not uncalled for. You are likely a big flirt, kept secrets, wandering eye...

Once you confess, trust me on this.. If you WANT to stay married, you will DO ANYTHING it takes to save it. Shame will come and it will come to a roaring head.

As Longroad home says, once you feel shame? Are you going to wallow in it or work on yourself to become a better person? Make a counselor appt because buddy, you need it. It will also show your BW that you are being proactive.

And again, end that affair now!

[This message edited by messedupchick at 5:41 PM, November 14th (Wednesday)]

I am hoping seeing her reaction can wake me up and get me to that point. I know it will end the affair. The downside is that it may also end our marriage. I wish I could be shaken to the point of shame without confessing but I don't think so.

I don't trust myself to end the affair and end it permanently and that the OW wouldn't talk. I've received so much advice to do that... to manipulate OW into shutting up and ending the affair but I don't think I can. So confessing is my only option and I am going to do it. I'd like to it sooner but with the kids its hard to find the right time. I guess there never is a right time tomorrow night we will be free and I will confess then.

I don't think cheating is okay and I've felt at times tremendous guilt during the affair. I know its wrong and the idea that this may end up costing me my family haunts me. So I'm not unrepentant at all. I just am not feeling like what I did was something so evil and I'm not feeling sick with myself like other do. So that is bothering me. What does it mean about me? I've spent some time on another forum that is *for* cheaters and I understand that is really complicated and sometimes good people make a tough decision and they aren't evil for cheating. My cheating was wrong and I'm not saying it the right thing to do.

I also don't that the affair is 100% on me. There were a lot of things going on in our marriage that made it ripe for an affair. It was more my fault and I'm not blaming my wife but she isn't totally innocent. If she isn't so distant and if she doesn't spend years making me feel like a villain I wouldn't of cheated.

And please feel free to call me Noah. Thanks for all of the advice.

I've spent some time on another forum that is *for* cheaters

I know *the* one noah and stay clear of their fucked state of minds.. I can't believe the bullshit and how much I fell for. Go NC with that forum too. It will also further warp your mind.

The guilt you have now will become stronger. I remember only feeling a little bit guilty because I knew it was wrong...

By the way, don't let anyone rush you into confessing. If you decide it's tomorrow night, prepare yourself today and tomorrow afternoon. Take deep breaths and remember we are here to support you.

CN

This is a big red flag.

I also don't that the affair is 100% on me. There were a lot of things going on in our marriage that made it ripe for an affair. It was more my fault and I'm not blaming my wife but she isn't totally innocent. If she isn't so distant and if she doesn't spend years making me feel like a villain I wouldn't of cheated.

How is your wife responsible for you sleeping with someone else?

Please explain, maybe if you try you will see how ridiculous that statement is.

Yes, there are problems in a lot of marriages, but cheating is not the solution.

[This message edited by badchoice at 5:51 PM, November 14th (Wednesday)]

CheaterNoah,

if she doesn't spend years making me feel like a villain I wouldn't of cheated.

May I inquire why divorce was not an option?

If she isn't so distant and if she doesn't spend years making me feel like a villain I wouldn't of cheated.

There is always another option. Why did you not consider divorce?

There is no stop sign here, and I feel the need to reinforce something to you:

There is NO possibility or even the remotest chance that ANY part of your affair is your wife's fault. Regardless of the state of your relationship, YOU AND YOU ALONE are responsible for your affair. You had many options (counseling, divorce, etc.) but YOU chose to do the most destructive thing instead.

If you really want to save your marriage, please listen to the people who have replied to your post. They are giving you the benefit of their wisdom and giving you some very good insight.

If at any point my H had told me I was responsible for him talking to his OW for three months we would be D now.

I didn't ask for him to go out and find another woman and neither did your W. I don't care what she did or didn't do. Because you have now become the worst possible H does this give her the right to go out and cheat on you? I am really interested on your answer to that.

Welcome to SI, CheaterNoah. I hope you stick around and really listen to the advice given here. There are some really wise people here, FWS's and BS's alike.

My FWH had a long term affair. It was at least a 4 year affair, a mixture of emotional and physical affair. My FWH ended his affair 6 years before I found out. FWH ended it, not because of guilt or shame, but because he realized he had no control over what the OW was going to do and OW wanted me to know about the affair. Oddly enough, I believe that FWH did love me, and that is what he tells me, and that he didn't want to lose me.

He enjoyed the cake eating, though. Until he realized that OW was "in love" with him and his NSA sex deal with OW wasn't working for her anymore.

For 6 years, my FWH didn't contact OW, but she kept fishing and actually stalked FWH for awhile. My FWH was afraid for my safety because he thought OW might harm me. But, of course, FWH didn't warn me about someone possibly wanting to do physical harm to me.

OW started calling our land line and tried to befriend me. (I still didn't know about the affair.) She was a former co-worker of FWH. Finally, after 6 years OW sent me a letter (pretending to be her dead ex-husband ) exposing the affair.

FWH knew what I was going to do. He knew I was going to leave him. But, here we are almost 3 years later doing surprisingly well and happy. He also finally felt shame and started working on his shit when he saw what he did to me.

He said he never, ever wants to see what he saw in my eyes that day and to know that he is the one that did that. I saw my FWH actually shrink and age before my very eyes when he saw the pain in my eyes. He is so ashamed and disgusted by what he did.

I am sorry this is so long, but I wanted to make three points.

1. Your BS will find out, and it sucks just as bad 6 years out as opposed to 6 days, 6 weeks, 6 months, etc.

2. You don't know how your BW will react.

3. If you are a person with any kind of empathy or compassion you will feel shame at some point.

Thought of something else I wanted to add.

but I feel like why it happened was both of our faults.

FWH felt this way, too. He now realizes, although our marriage had problems, his choice to commit adultery was all about his bad coping skills and was in no way my fault, it is/was all his fault.

eta: Oh, there was actually four points I wanted to make. 4. You have no control over the OW. And, in our case, FWH didn't realize he hooked up with someone who was a little cray-cray until he was in it for a few years. Sometimes when you finally really end it, the cray-cray comes out.

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 6:31 PM, November 14th (Wednesday)]