SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I feel like I have encouraged my wife to have an affair with a mutual friend. My sex drive dried up some years ago and from that we as a couple became less intimate. my wife has always been way more sexual than I am. Before we met she had 'lovers' and was not interested in a relationship. We have been married for 15 years and we are now retired and living a new life in a new town. She joined a reading group and met this lovely man. I am not into reading like she is and so it was great for her to have someone to talk to. This I encouraged. I was busy renovating our old house. About two months ago she became different in that she was less talkative and more distant! I snore a lot and that has always irritated her but now so much so I sleep in our spare bedroom.

She stopped inviting him around for a drink or a meal and now visits him. I said could I join them one night and she said what for? I said for company and she said they talk books, politics and teaching (both retired teachers) which would be of no interest to me.

Last Saturday she was going to meet him as usual but I followed her. They met in the park and just from her body language I could tell she was like a teenager running towards him. They kissed and hugged then walked off hand in hand!

Since then I have busied myself and almost ignored her! I overheard her on the phone saying I am impossible and being a pain! I can only presume she was talking to him.

My fear is I have no money apart from a tiny pension! She owns the house and we are both in a new town with no jobs! He is married late 60s to a woman who he cares for as she has dementia and he won't leave her!

I don't know what to do

Hey man, strength it is tough, you are not alone, SI is here for you and more members will join in and offer their insights.

Please read the healing library and the many other helpful sources on this site, and the other forum posts and recommendations given there, this website is a knowledge vault and doing so will educate you and help you understand cheaters and what you are up against.

Important is that you get things arranged should things blow up, meaning legal advice and getting a job and insight into places to live if necessary (family?, cheap housing?). The house is hers but you are married?, in case of a divorce will you get a share of the house?

Exposure of the affair, bringing it to daylight and informing family etc. may put pressure on her and make the affair a burden to her. But first await what others have to say, and already start working on your financial position to operate from a position of strength. This all is not your fault, it is hers.

Best wishes, others will come soon

[This message edited by babypuke at 2:49 AM, November 3rd (Tuesday)]

First thing is you remove fears caused by ignorance.

You two are married. Is there a prenup? What does your state’s law say about marital assets? In my mind jumping to the conclusion that a divorce is inevitable is a bit too early, but in ANY marriage, divorce is a possibility. Knowing your rights (and it only takes an hour on google to do so) is ALWAYS good.

When you say kissing was it full frontal love-of-my-life, nearly doing mouth-to-mouth, tongue reaching for the tonsils type kissing or the suave book readers type of peck on the cheeks?

His wife had dementia. How bad? Still living at home? Does he have time where he is alone in his house?

If this was a full-blown sexual affair, I wonder why they meet at the park – a public space.

What I conclude from your brief post is:

a) Serious marital issues. You can address that by talking to your wife. You mention a low libido; have you talked to a doctor about that? Maybe some ED pills? Snoring: checked sleep-apnea? CPAP?

Definitely talk to your wife. Mention the distance between you two. Ask her what you two can do to fix it. Be prepared with suggestions. Like taking walks, finding a joint hobby. Heck… maybe you just start reading.

What made her fall for you in the first place? When is the last time you asked her out? Had a date-night?

Look – IF this is an affair niceing her back won’t work, but lets first be clear if this is an affair before we eliminate rekindling the flames between you two.

b) A very likely Emotional Affair. The go-to book for that is Not Just Friends. Problem with EA’s is that participants seldom see them as affairs. Go read that book and possibly we will suggest you have your wife read it too. Recognize what’s going on.

You know your wife, Ramblerbyday. You say you could read her body language with the meet in the park and her actions when approaching him, etc. Your gut is telling you something. Trust your gut.

Something is causing that. Have you had misgivings previously? Are you prone to suspicion about things? Your post doesn't indicate you are. I suspect this is an unusual feeling for you which has made you search out infidelity and find SI.

There are definite red flags. You indicate that this guy was a mutual friend. Now he doesn't come by and your wife discourages contact with him. Apparently you used to visit and it wasn't uncomfortable for you with whatever conversation was going on. Now, according to her, it wouldn't interest you. Red flag.

When he was invited over for drinks or meal in the past did your wife meet him with a kiss and a hug? Was the hug and kiss in the park unusual? I expect it was plus with the teenager giddiness. Red flag.

Trash talking you to someone is also an indicator, maybe him. Red flag.

Bigger makes some good suggestions. Talk to your wife about closing the distance between you and have suggestions prepared on how to do that. I say that with the idea of watching her body language and response.

I'm guessing that she will not be overjoyed. I'm guessing that she will downplay it. But even if she doesn't I suggest you don't lower your vigilance. She may be able to (partially) sell you a bill of goods. My XWW was able to. She could look me straight in the eye and lie.

A caution: you can't nice your wife back if there is something going on. It's a standard caution. It didn't work for me and was very detrimental, in fact. Some of what Bigger advises involves rugsweeping and "nicing". But he says if it is an affair it won't work and I will add it will be very damaging to you.

First, you need to determine if it is infidelity. And I say again, trust your gut. Can you gain access to your wife's phone for call history and texting? What about other social media? They must communicate to arrange meet-ups like the park one and "book club" stuff and her going to his place.

I suggest you find a lawyer to determine what your rights are if there is anything untoward going on and you decide you need to divorce. Information is power.

Strength, man. Trust your gut.

It’s possible is more of a emotional affair. But based on what you observed something is going on.

She will be “angry” with you b/c in her mind YOU are standing in her way of true love or being with her true love.

She has the option of getting a D. But instead she hides behind the choice to cheat.

Not your fault this occurred. It was all on her for crossing the line.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 7:22 AM, November 3rd (Tuesday)]

Was it a kiss on the cheek?

How long did they hold the kiss?

Was there full body contact as well?

How often do they meet?

What time do they meet?

Does she guard her phone?

Can you access her texts, email, and pics?

You may have caught this at the EA stage.

Your wife probably believes she's in control (with no intention of a PA) but people are genetically programmed to bond - and EAs can and often do escalate suddenly.

In order to give yourself a sense of control and remove some of the uncertainty, talk to an attorney asap. The first hour is often free.

1 -Find out whether you're entitled to a portion of your wife's pension.

2 - If you're currently covered by her health insurance, is she responsible for providing continued coverage/money for it?

3 - Don't assume you have no claim on the house, especially if you've done repairs/renovation.

Both of you should read: Not Just Friends by Dr Shirley Glass. It's based on research of couples that experienced infidelity and provides lessons learned and some understanding of how good people unintentionally expose their marriage to a high risk of adultery.

[This message edited by Robert22205https at 8:04 AM, November 3rd (Tuesday)]

BS Only

[This message edited by SI Staff at 3:00 PM, November 3rd (Tuesday)]

Thank you for your replies and not sure how I tagged each of you.

I will reply in general.

I have no prenup. A divorce might be rash yes.

They kissed full on and groped! If you know what I mean! They looked like lovers. Where do they do it probably in his large house somewhere. He has carers who pop in daily to clean her etc But they are only there briefly.

I should add a correction and to be frank! I have never had much of a sex drive. I was a late bloomer in that field and my first real date/relationship was when I was 29 and that lasted a month.

I am very subservient naturally and I know I have always put women off me! When I met my wife she was in a low place mentally and I became a shoulder for her. I helped her confidence and at that time she was not forward regarding sex. As time has gone on I realise we are poles apart on that front.

I don't want a divorce and in a way if it stays as it is I would be OK as what harm is it doing? If I ask her it might ruin everything! They might just be having a fling?

[This message edited by Ramblerbyday at 9:46 AM, November 3rd (Tuesday)]

They kissed full on and groped! If you know what I mean! They looked like lovers. Where do they do it probably in his large house somewhere. He has carers who pop in daily to clean her etc But they are only there briefly.

Well then there is no maybe here or “fairly certain” - your wife is involved in an adulterous sexual affair.

What is your doubt? Believe your eyes.

If you want to do something about it, tell her you know, that you won’t tolerate it and ask her to move out if she wants to be with other men.

180 her, read the book No More Mr. Nice Guy and also Cheating in a Nutshell.

Also what’s “lovely” about this other man who is willing to poach married women?

There’s nothing lovely about him or your wife.

You’re really okay being in a unilateral open marriage on your wife’s side in which she screws other men in “flings”?

Ok, it’s your life but I would find this a hellish existence.

If the OM becomes available, will your wife dump you for him?

Does your wife or the OM have kids, friends, or church community that would disapprove of their adultery?

I suggest you should start documenting and collecting evidence of her affair (e.g., copies of texts, photos in the park, log of time spent together).

IMO you should develop a plan to protect yourself in event of divorce that's initiated by your wife. The plan should include consulting with an attorney and saving some money.

Don't blame yourself or low sex drive for her decision to cheat.

You've been married for 15 years, therefore, I'm not convinced that sex is her primary motive for an affair.

IMO, it's more likely that the pivotal factor is that his attention makes her feel young & special again (and sex is her currency to hold his attention).

Enjoying the sex is an added secondary benefit that just makes it easier for her to betray you.

BS Only

[This message edited by SI Staff at 3:00 PM, November 3rd (Tuesday)]

At the beginning she was ok about my sex drive and said it does not matter. Love was more important but yes she would pass comment down the years and I know she 'satisfied' herself and that seemed only right.

No I have never been sexual and as much as I like the idea of sex I don't enjoy the practice of it.

I titled my post as 'fairly certain' but I is certain as she went out today but spent an hour in the bathroom and came out with a full face of make up on. I said nothing and when she left she just said see you later! I watched from the window and she rarely wears skirts or heels but she did today!

Sorrey I seem useless

One more thought.

Since the OM will not divorce his wife (and is therefore not available to your wife as a spouse), if your wife enjoys the comforts of marriage then you are in a very strong position to insist on 100% NC and that you be added to the title of the house.

[This message edited by Robert22205https at 10:27 AM, November 3rd (Tuesday)]

What is it you want from us?

This site isn’t big on helping folks live with active infidelity.

There are lots of people that do. There are people in open marriages or who silently accept that their spouse has a lover. Sort of pretend to believe that Thursday evenings is Bridge Club and that there is a logical reason their spouse takes a shower after playing cards. I guess if you accept it then it is sort-of surviving infidelity.

But this site isn’t about that. We are more fire and brimstone, divorce or reconcile.

If you are indifferent to her activities, and possibly don't mind if she is cheating, then why are you here? You must first decide if you can accommodate her extracurricular activities in a marriage or you cannot. Don't fool yourself over this answer. You can or you can't. If you can, then there is your answer. You don't need SI. If you can't, but are afraid to insist on your needed boundaries, then your time here can be a huge support.

Can you live with an open marriage or not. That is the first position you must resolve.

BS Only

[This message edited by SI Staff at 3:00 PM, November 3rd (Tuesday)]

In truth I felt ok as she looked great and has not done so for along time. I don't feel angry towards her.

I could live with an open marriage yes but my fear is we are growing apart and if I could resolve that I would be happier

I could live with an open marriage yes but my fear is we are growing apart and if I could resolve that I would be happier

If you accept a unilateral open marriage kicked off with her infidelity then you will continue to grow apart and you won’t likely be very happy. Of that you can be certain.

I would consult a lawyer re division of assets and possible spousal maintenance, if you are curious re what might happen in a divorce. Maybe you are entitled to a lot more than you think.