SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I don't think this site is about helping you be happy about having an open marriage or about her having an open marriage as long as she is nice to you. It isn't for me anyway.

If that's what you want why not just tell her so? I wouldn't and I don't understand that mindset at all but if that's just fine with you why not just tell her?

I think you'll be even more unhappy if that's what you settle for.

if it stays as it is I would be OK as what harm is it doing? If I ask her it might ruin everything! They might just be having a fling?

I'm sorry you're here, and if you really felt like this you would not have come here for some guidance. This is NOT your fault. While both partners have faults in the marriage the decision to cheat was HERS alone. You do not have to live with it. The others gave great advice about talking to an attorney; if you're married you may be entitled to a portion of all marital assets.

Sorry you are here, but it sounds like you know what you want. You want an open marriage. Unfortunately this site is probably not for you. as its purpose is to get you out of infidelity, not to encourage it. But, to each his own. I am with Steady. I don't understand the mindset and I could never tolerate the disrespect. But I wish you luck. Geez! Is this Open Marriage Month or what?

[This message edited by fareast at 5:49 PM, November 3rd (Tuesday)]

I could live with an open marriage yes but my fear is we are growing apart and if I could resolve that I would be happier

Sounds like you need to sit them both down, and have that hard conversation. Tell them exactly what you want. Economic security and your friend who is also your wife.

But she sounds like she is already gone. Already checked out. She is sharing with the OM more of herself than she reserves solely for you. The odds that she doesn’t look at you as a necessary ball and chain...similar to his wife...pretty small.

What are you willing to accept?

I remember a scientific study that showed the best statistical predictor of marital happiness was simply the ratio of sex to arguing. More than one = tends happy, less than one = tends to fail. It beat out the reasoned predictions of all the experts.

Your sexless marriage with someone who appreciates sex would seem to have made this day inevitable.

Sending strength!

Brother, you are out of there. She has been cultivating this for a while. Soon the OM will place his wife in a home due to her dementia as it will only deteriorate. Then you wife will move him in and you out.

Regardless of your wants and sexual needs seek medical advice and have your testosterone levels checked. Seek legal advice for your location. Please don’t accept plan B due to who owns the house and small pensions. When she goes out next insist on going with her. And when asked why just state you need to satisfy yourself that his intentions are either sexual, emotional or that he is replacing you.

Time to put yourself first. Just for once. Her choices are conscious decisions but she never asked for your opinion or sort guidance. A people are like cockroaches shine a light on them and they scurry back into the dark.

One day at a time and stick up for yourself.

Right now your M is a sham and she's in an active A, I suggest you EXPOSE their A with ALL family and close friends WITHOUT WARNING (very important), did you record their encounter at the park ? took pictures ?. Being in an unwanted/one sided Open M is likely a recipe for disaster, remember she can D you at any time as well, contact an attorney to know your legal options and division of assets you may be entitled to more than what you think, don't forget to get tested for STDs, yes some STDs could be transmitted via saliva so she's been playing russian roulette with your health.

What exactly are you looking for? You are so utterly passive that it’s impossible to tell. This guy is more functionally her husband than you are:

- he spends time with her and is animated with her

- he desires her sexually and uses the penis that god gave him

- they have common interests that they seem to regularly talk about

You don’t have a wife right now. You have a female roommate who is at best a platonic friend and is in a relationship with another man. Is that how you’d like to spend the rest of your life? You don’t seem to understand that at this very moment she could be (probably is) planning to leave you, and is just testing out a potential replacement.

What do you want?

Her infidelity isn’t your fault, period. That being said, out of any story I’ve ever read, this one is by far the least surprising to me given the way you’ve described yourself.

Ramblerbyday

In truth I felt ok as she looked great and has not done so for along time. I don't feel angry towards her.

I could live with an open marriage yes but my fear is we are growing apart and if I could resolve that I would be happier.

The only way you are going to resolve this is by telling her what you know?do it asap because you can't carry on like this can you?

"What exactly are you looking for? You are so utterly passive that it’s impossible to tell. This guy is more functionally her husband than you are:"

I love her so much but you are so right!

I feel more and more helpless

Rambler,

You know its ok to settle for whatever you want for whatever reasons, be it a home, love, companionship, support, however no-one here can advise you till you give some indication as to what you do want.

Separate?

Open Marriage?

Confront your wife?

Gain courage?

Find strength?

Etc Etc..

Just my 0.02p worth

what you do want.

Separate?

Open Marriage?

Confront your wife?

Gain courage?

Find strength?

Etc Etc..

All of that.

I confronted her just now and said are you seeing Martin and she said you know I am! I said yes but are you lovers and she said kind of! I then said should I be worried and she said about what and I said losing you? She said things are not good are they! I said no there are not! She said she is not in a good place mentally and she is not ready to discuss it!

Rambler, you need to give her consequences right now.

You have your admission, and sadly there will be more. Whatever you know now, it will be worse. I'm sorry, that's just the way it is and it gives me no pleasure to write those words to you. I have stood in your shoes not believing the advice I got on here, but they were right.

Right now she is getting a free ride. What it seems you want - understandably - is your M back but the only way to get to even start rebuilding that is by risking it, because she needs to know that her behaviour is not acceptable. So you just have to say you're done, she can have him, so she can get her stuff and get out.

Affairs are based on fantasy and part of that fantasy is that 'no-one gets hurt'. Introducing the world of pain that As actually cause shines a light on the reality of what's going on. It also shines a light on whether the two APs actually want each other - 90% of the time they don't. They were in love with the fantasy, not each other.

I know you are struggling, and you are struggling to confront. But the only way forward - regardless of outcome - is to take charge of this now. She's controlling the agenda but actually you are the one who can choose what to do.

"She's not ready to discuss it"

Sorry but no no no, you have just found out your suspicions are correct, its time for you to gain that strength & stand FIRM, this is your marriage not whats for dinner, or who fed the pets, dig deep & set some boundaries before you lose all control of 'your' outcome.

She doesn't get to control how this moves forward.

I'm so very sorry you are here,

Hopefully now you can receive the advise you need.

It sounds like mostly you want to gain the strength to confront and see this through to a reconciliation or divorce — not the hell of an “open marriage” that allows her to dally with another man while you languish.

What does “kind of” lovers mean?

Say “I don’t care if you’re not ready to discuss it. I love you but I will not share you. If you want to do the decent thing, Kindly pack your things and move out. If you find yourself ‘ready’ to discuss it there will be no blame shifting, no lies, no excuses, no scapegoating, no minimizing, no mind games. And you will end the affair immediately, go no contact and then immediately do several things:

I know you feel a bit lost and really confused right now, but you need to take some control back in your own life.

Please if you do nothing else do go see an attorney and learn about your rights and her obligations.

See your Dr and full STD testing, and because this is extremely stressful also get a once over, and let your Dr know about your blase attitude, and low sex drive. Even if you have never had much of one, it can be caused from an underlying chemical imbalance, or depression. Those things can be fixed, and might also help you find some strength to demand at minimum the love and respect you deserve.

Why do I need an STD test? We have not had sex of intercourse.

She is in such a bad mood now and I fear the worse! If have no means to fight her legally!

The timing with covid is so bad!

It says Kent...are you in the uk?

Did you sign a prenup?

@BigBlueEyes

Yes Kent UK.

I didn't think I had but I now remember her home is signed over to her son

If you are in the UK

Solicitors are still open for business here.

Also not all prenups are legally binding here.

Try & get a phone call with 1 or 3

She’s in a foul mood because half the fun was sneaking around behind your back!

You said you have been together 15 yrs you will definitely be entitled to something.

Contact CAB they are free & will help guide you through.

Again this all depends if you are in the UK

Ok so UK,

Ring around as many solicitors as you can, get some free advice & gather as much info as you can,

knowledge is power.

How long ago did she transfer the deeds to her son?