SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

That sounds very scary! I am glad you got out safe, Scooby!

FROM SCOOBY

So eldest son went with his grandad (my dad) to visit ‘HIM’ in prison,

It went as expected, crying, begging, lots of promises to do the right thing, pleading guilty to spare all of us anymore trauma (however it’s to lesser charges that doesn’t necessarily mean a prison sentence!!! Go fucking figure!!!!)

He’s agreeing to go into rehab to help deal with his issues!

He’s now on suicide watch as they are worried about his mental health after confessing to a suicide attempt the day he lost it. His reasoning of why he was so high & drunk!!!

He took responsibility for everything.

Says he lied on his thread, it’s only been the A’s I already know about & the ONS I seen on videos.

Everything (house & some Assets) he signed previously over to me still stands, only money in the bank & small amount of savings in his isa to be divided uncontested. business he can have as I don’t want it or anything from it.

He has done what he set out to do...our kids love him, they feel sorry for him, he’s a broken man in their eyes, he looks older, he looks beaten down, he’s a shell of the man he once was, he’ll do anything for them to prove himself.

Now my other 3 want to visit to see him for themselves!!

I knew this would happen as he is the master of manipulation,

Even my dear dad felt for him.

To sit with them all last night around the dinner table we once shared as a family nearly broke me.

To witness hope in their eyes again for a happy ending was fucking heartbreaking for me, they are gonna look to me to save him, I just know they are!

I fear the love & need to do the right thing for my family is gonna be what destroys me.

I feel I’m constantly taking 2 steps forward then 5 steps back.

My control is slipping

.

If he wants to do right by you, he will let you go.

If he wants to do right by his children, he will explain why NONE of this is your or the children's fault....and why he should let you go.

Once he puts the needs of the ones he hurt in front of his own, he might start to wake up.

Time isn't his enemy, it is his ally.....if he wants to be a better person.

Scooby,

I am so sorry. There is not one single person that knows your story who would ever expect you to fix this. To be very honest, the right fix is for you is to have no further contact with this man.

He is not your husband, he is simply a danger. He is a liar, a cheater, an abuser, an alcoholic, A master manipulator and an extremely sad excuse for a father.

Scooby, you have to do what is right for you. Simply choose to. I know there are all kinds of pressure, and it is so easy to say it to someone. To do it is a Herculean effort. Explain howyou feel to your children. They are adults. They will understand. If they ask you to forgive him, Simply say it has been too much and you are way past that point.

I keep coming around to please do what is right for you Scooby.

Oh, God, Scooby, I am so sorry.

Hopium is such a powerful drug. Your kids, no matter how loving and smart, are still just kids when it comes to you and your husband. They want to believe their mum can still make it all magically better, that it was all blown out of proportion by the drugs and their dad finally sees that he needs to change. After all, if you can pretend that he was never really going to shoot that crossbow at you, then they can pretend the same thing. They still want to believe their shattered world can be unshattered. And they aren't nearly old or sage enough to think about how badly you want to believe the same seductive, destructive lies..

Stay strong, Scooby. Lean on people here through your updates. Remember that he will eventually be able to read anything you post in these threads, even if it's through a trusted friend, and guard yourself carefully.

We saw him threatening you, demanding that we tell him where you were (as if we'd have any idea). We read his claims that he would never hurt you, he just wanted to talk. We know that the next time he saw you, hours later, the police and your loved ones had to jump between you and the deadly weapon he laid in wait to use on you. We see, we hear, we know. We know that even if he were telling the truth, and he's not, you can't take that kind of risk.

You aren't losing control. You're gaining it, more and more every day, finding the strength to do what's good for you and your children because you know what is true. You're not being unforgiving of their father, you're protecting your mother, the only safe and honest parent they have. Draw on us for the strength to face their pain and hopium. SI is here for you.

You must be honest with your children. Even if it hurts them now.

Explain WHY you cannot help him. Explain you don’t wish him any harm BUT his recent actions have dictated this course of action.

Tell them you need to be a parent and protect them as well. But you hope in time that their father can change and face his issues and deal with them in a healthy way.

That as a responsible parent and adult you have to protect yourself. He’s a danger at this time and you cannot help him. But you certainly will not do anything to stop him from healing and fixing things and getting the help he needs.

Alcoholism is a family disease. It affects everyone! This sickness and lifestyle is what your kid's know, and I'm not talking about his infidelities only. I'm also referring to his excessive drinking and using drugs and lifestyle habits. This is your kid's norm. This is what they know. There is a pamphlet about alcoholism and the roles we all play (I also associate it with drug addiction). We each have a role in this sick cycle of addiction.

How many times have you forgiven your WH for his indiscretions? How many times have you overlooked your WH's behavior and just brushed it off of, oh that's just Dad? Your kid's have been watching this act play out for their whole life. EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU HAVE PLAYED A ROLE IN THIS, INCLUDING YOUR MOTHER AND FATHER. I am sorry your mother passed away so early in life. Just know and believe she is still there by your side, supporting you.

Do me a favor and take a step back and observe each of the family members role in this disease called addiction and the family dynamics. Try and figure out each role all the family members play. I may be wrong but I get the feeling that your oldest son plays the role of hero.

One thing I noticed when I stepped out of my families role of allowing abuse is that I no longer fit in because I disrupted the play, my role in the family dynamics. I'm referring to both my biological family and my immediate family. I was no longer going to allow or accept mistreatment anymore. But, I payed a price because I changed. Family fought me on this, including my WH. But I was going to hold firm. And I did. And I am glad I did.

The reason I am telling you this, Scooby is because I can clearly see that your family is wanting to put you back in your role of understanding and accepting the family dynamics as they were. Like you said, your kid's don't want to break up the family. They want things as they were, what they understand as their norm. No matter what the cost, your emotional sanity. Doesn't matter if everyone is emotionally sick. It just doesn't matter. This is what addiction does to families and it is real.

I chose to step out of my role with my biological family and with my WH. I blew everything up because I wasn't going to allow the emotional abuse anymore. But it was at a price. I no longer speak with some of my family members and I'm okay with it. They are still playing out their role in the family dynamics.

I did choose to go back to my WH because I remembered the good man he was before the disease of alcoholism consumed his and our lives. Let me tell you though, the last 4 year's of this sick cycle have been pure hell because I chose to ride out the storm with him (I didn't want him to die a tragic death like two of my brother's did). It was sad, really sad. There was nothing I could do as they drank themselves to their deaths. No amount of pleading, begging, threatening, throwing fits (yes, this is what my mom would do with my brothers. Sounds so co-dependant). Ick. Forcing, trying to control the outcome, etc. helped them to overcome their addictions. In the end, death got the best of them.

My WH has done the work but it is also work in progress. My WH has taken accountability for his actions. As you know, this is a work in progress. I think we will be fine. Today I have a voice.

What do you choose? Do you choose to jump back into your role? There is going to be a lot of pressure from family members for you to accept Dad back. And of course with lots of promises. It is your choice, really. Just know, OMG, I hate to say this...just know that you have a right to make your own decisions on what you choose to do in life and with your life and so do your kid's. And your decision to walk away may be an unpopular one. Remember the family dynamics...sounds like even your Dad is caving in also.

Alanon saved my sanity. I also attended AA meetings to listen to their side of the story. It helped me to have compassion so as not to blame my three brother's or my H because they had a disease. I learned to have compassion for them.

You have a very long road to emotional health ahead of you but you can do it. Not saying everything is perfect for me today but my H and I are definitely on the right path. I also now have PTSD (I prefer to refer to mine as Complex Trama because the emotional assaults kept coming over a long period of time). You may have experienced Complex Trama also and now have PTSD. You also have been severely traumatized and so have your kid's and now your dad.

I guess my best advice to you would be to attend Alanon and start working towards a healthier you. Your family will follow your steps, or maybe not. My son who is 26 and daughter who is 21 get to make their own choices in life. I can only offer to them what they want to hear. My main focus today is to try and make myself into a better person and work to make my partnership with my H the best it can be.

I wish the best for you, Scooby. You are in a tough spot but the future will be bright again...continue to seek out that bright light at the end of the tunnel. It may not end of being the outcome you hope but your life can shine again. Promise.

OMG he's such a VICTIM. Isn't it just appalling that this man can cheat on you with zero remorse, abuse you, and then try and kill you and HE'S the victim who needs help???????

This is why I just cannot with addicts. I just cannot.

It does not compute.

I don't get it.

Thank goodness you know better. You know that you not only cannot but should not try to save him. Once someone treats you this way, you are pretty much required to walk away and save yourself. Rest assured, he certainly won't be the one to give a fuck about you, your trauma, your feelings. HIS life is the hard one, not anyone else's. Not the kids, not you, not anyone else. It's all about him. Everyone please look at him, he's so sad, he's so broken, blah blah blah blah.

No decent human being would ever in a million years make themselves the victim after doing the things he has done. This is all that anyone needs to know about him to see that he is incredibly self-centered and toxic.

I am so sorry that you, the true victim in this, have to listen to people you love feel sorry for the man who tried to kill you. This just breaks my heart for you. It's not okay, and we see that it's not okay.

The kids want you to play your role, strong woman who overlooks dad's indiscretions. They feel guilty because dad wants them to feel guilty. The pressure you feel is what happens when "everyone" wants you to play your part.

The.

Buck.

Stops.

With.

You.

In my opinion (just my opinion) if you break the family spell, the kids will eventually follow. Probably. But they may not support you for a bit. Us codependents count on being supported when the shit hits the fan, but often we are not. Because we have been 'allowing' the other reality that dad is fine. Now the kids say, "But mom, dad is fine." Except dad was never fine, and he's not fine now.

Good luck, sweetie.

The kids will wake up to it eventually.

Do the healthy thing for your family.

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 7:20 PM, September 10th (Tuesday)]

I agree. I haven't posted on your threads. Yet ive followed every word on jfo and here. I haven't actually posted on here, scooby, in nearly 2 yrs. Not much.

Why dont you sit down with your wonderful kids and your dear dad. Re-explain how you all went into hiding when he went nuclear after having every chance from you, and from them.

Manipulation will take years from them. From their lives. And from you.

Its worth a try. It sounds like you are very close to them.

Try to remanipulate them back to reality of this truth.

This is no joke. He is unstable. A liar. A great liar. For years and years and years. I get that. He cant change. We know you know that. Very few betrayed spouses have early realization like you did. Id say 1 in a million betrayed spouses figure the truth out, as you did, and take steps to escape the infidelity shit show he served you. I know this is truth. You are very amazing and in touch with reality. Better then i was by far.

I wont private message you without permission. Never. And i wont post anything he could read on si unless it brought his vengeful anger on me. A stranger. Better me then you.

But things can happen to bring vengence on a spouse, much worse then the spouse getting hurt. Others can get hurt.

Id try to bring them back to reality. Before he had his chance to manipulate them further. Your support to these children is worth more then his one time manipulation in prison. Grammie. So use that if you have to to keep them all safe. Daughter-in-laws can help. Talk to them.

Its shocking how they can pull out every stop to save themselves when they have no other choice. Good God, this is shocking.

Use everything, everything at your disposal, to help them see what he did that hurt you and them before this meeting with your other kids. Do everything.

Do it before they all go see him, all your other children. Do it quick before they make oppinions based on his lies and then go visit him and, in turn, get manipulated.

I give you permission to show my post to your beautiful kids and dear supportive dad. If it helps.

Your situation sounds scary, but you have a head on your shoulders. You might be ablevto fix this.

Strength

Update from Scooby

My BFF's, My IC, my Liaison officer & the police are coming round tonight with everything they have on him to show my kids & dad, (what they can share).

I have decided to be pretty blunt with them in how he has endangered my life before when he's hit me, leading to multiple fits, The police calls over the years. the visits to hospitals.

Also the reason I haven't drank is because only a few years ago he got me so drunk i passed out having no control of my body whatsoever so he could carry on drinking when a friend took me home instead of him (he didn't come home all night). He knew he was putting me at risk but didn't care, he had been plying me with quadruple vodka's each time.

I'm also going to share all the worry, advice, & support from all of you on here to show them even complete strangers are worried for my safety in the hope it works.

My gratitude to everyone. Thank you

Update from Scooby

I'm using everything in my arsenal against him. Last night we showed them everything, The police call outs, The subsequent hospital records, My BFF's accounts of what they witnessed & how threatening he was to them when they stood up to him (2 are godparents to all our kids) My kids trust them as they have known them most of their lives.

They now know everything there is to know about him, to say they were devastated is an understatement, lots of Tears, Yelling, Disapointment, Concern etc, Eventually a lot of talking.

Here in the UK we call it an Injunction (RO elsewhere), It can only be court ordered so I'm hoping that will be set up in place soon, definitely before he's released, they all agreed its going to be needed in the future to protect me.

Has been a pretty stressful week but I think I'm back on even ground again.

Till the next time he rears his ugly face again..'sigh'

UPDATE FROM SCOOBY - PLEASE POST RESPONSES HERE.

Update

Thank you for all the pm's I really do appreciate the continued support,

Working lots of hours to try & keep busy, letters from STBXH every day are driving me crazy, begging, pleading, bullying, still trying to captain his sinking ship!!!

Police are on high alert as he’s made some unsavoury friends in prison of late, friends of friends & all that, no direct threats to kill that can be proven but guards are monitoring correspondence & conversations between inmates, they are also navigating with the police, I

Due to the threat to my safety i now have a mobile panic device I carry everywhere with a GPS directly linked to the police station.

Have learned quite a bit in self defence so I feel better in that respect.

No court date yet so still waiting.

It’s just all so damn shit,

Some good news is he didn’t contest anything to do with the divorce, it’s all been signed, my solicitor says it’s going to be the quickest she’s ever done.

Kids are checking in with me every day more than once but that’s understandable with the circumstances as it was my youngest son who heard about the offer to pay someone to “have me done over” from an old school friend of his visiting a family member in the prison.

He contacted police which started the ball rolling on 'upping' my ‘protection’

Still Just taking 1 day at a time,

PS,

Please don't tell me to pack up & move away like friends/police are suggesting as it won't ever happen in this lifetime.

I have no illusions of what my situation looks like but I will not RUN away.

I will not leave my family, kids, GC, friends, home & job for anyone, least of all him.

You're so strong, Scooby. I don't think you should move either just yet if you can help it. He's still locked up and probably going to be kept for quite a while. Hopefully it's enough time for him to let you go.

Glad to hear you are okay. Was thinking about you. I never replied to his thread, but the way he spoke about you was scary. I hope they don't let him out at all. But I know our justice system amongst many others is broken. Please continue to be on high alert and stay safe.

Scooby I wouldn't run either.

I would be armed to the teeth and have every available resource at my fingertips to protect myself. But I would not run.

You are strong and fierce. You will get through this. Just continue to protect yourself and document all threats. Once a judge sees it they will be forced to protect you.

((((And Strength))))

edit: typo

[This message edited by tushnurse at 6:54 AM, September 23rd (Monday)]

I can't imagine the pain and stress of what you're going through -- you're a strong woman!! Don't run and leave your support system and family -- he's still trying to control/manipulate you from his jail cell!

Good to know you're learning self defense -- every woman should no matter their circumstance. You might consider a stun gun case for your phone. I'm getting my 16 yo granddaughter one - she's a tough, no funny business country girl but it could make a huge difference if she ever needs it--- she's never out of reaching distance from it!

Just keep yourself busy and be very aware of everyone and everything around you --- that's a hell of way to have to live but stay strong!!! This won't last forever and please keep your SI posse up to date --- sending you strength!

So glad to get the update- was thinking about you yesterday. You are handling this so well. I hope he stays away, but glad to know you have protection in place.

Very proud of you Scooby! You rock! I wouldn’t run either. Stay strong and stay the course. (((Hugs))) to you. Good to know you have taken precautions. You are in my thoughts.