SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Good for you on staying strong and not bending.

He wants to have a 'family' with you, holidays and that type of family stuff and his OW. You have shown him that No, there will not be a 'family of three' - and he can't stand that you didn't just fall in line - in fact, he was probably looking for ego kibbles and hoping you would do the pick me dance.

Don't give in. Arrange for visitation of your daughter to be anywhere but at the marital home - AND see if one of your friends or family will be the pick up drop off. That will keep him from entering the home. See if you can get a legal separation -not sure how it works in England. See if there is a morality law or something that he can't have your daughter around the AP unless they are married. Make his life difficult - or more difficult than he currently has.

Start packing his items up, give him a deadline to have his items out or they will be put in storage. Inform his parents of the date. Then do it.

I urge you to tell his employer. Yeah it might impact his $$ but hey, he blew up your life, why not (FYI I am a very vengeful person so....) if not before the divorce at least do it afterward. You sound like you don't need (or want) his assistance.

Do not under any circumstances let him know you are hurting. Pretend he is just 'someone you use to know'. Don't give him the time of day.

Don't continue MC. Just stop, no need to talk to him about it either. Let him show up to MC and let the MC tell him you have quit.

Basically keep those bitch boots you have on and stomp on his ideas that he gets to have his 'family' and his side piece.

Yeah it’s ridiculous what WS can think. And his OW is encouraging this weird way of life. She’s so happy and friendly with her ex and they still share the same bed if he comes to stay...blah...blah...blah. He obviously can’t see this is messed up and her playing mind games! I had to remind him that he told me her and her ex agreed to separate. That’s a bit different from your WS of 15 years blowing your whole marriage and life up in one fell swoop!

He’s away with the OW this weekend so I have my DD all weekend, where she should be. We are staying with my parents and getting her room ready for regular stay overs and then eventually fully moving in. I’m excited for this. Buying her a new bed and wardrobe. She can choose what goes in it and moving some of her toys across. It will make our stays there so much nicer and allow us to become part of us again.

She asked me yesterday, where is daddy?, he’s at home sweetheart, what mummy?, he’s at home, but mummy this is his home 😭, sorry sweetheart but he lives with grandma now, that’s his home. I hope she is asking him these difficult questions. I will forever hate him for what he has done. I’m from a broken family and I have done everything in my relationship and marriage to try and prevent this. I have been dedicated, loyal, caring, loving and prioritised him but it wasn’t enough. I’m now walking in my mothers shoes which was the last thing I wanted. She is very happy now and has a 12 year old boy who is amazing. Bring on my new chapter!

Oh newbegginings the AP sounds so like my WHs it’s scary. She was so absolutely blind to the devastation. Thought we’d all be happy families. Two narcissists like that are going to clash big time!

Anyway, I’ve said this before and I’m going to say this again. This AP is nothing, she is just a more manipulative, clearly narcissistic one. He’s highly addicted to this affair he cannot see the wood for the trees. But she is NOT the issue.

He is a serial cheat. He has done this to you before. Please stop thinking about the snippets of info you’re being passed by your well meaning friends or him, this AP is NOT your biggest problem. Your biggest problem is that you have been married to a serial cheat who is highly manipulative, controlling and selfish. You need to focus on you now. You moving on. You and your daughter. Your future.

When you think of him think ‘not my monkey, not my circus’

Thinking of you lady, you’re doing a great job!

[This message edited by Dragonfly123 at 12:57 AM, September 17th (Tuesday)]

Thanks so much Dragonfly123. So much on here that is written is so true and inspiring. I’m lying in bed cuddling my DD and these messages remind me of what needs to be done and gives me the will power to get up and enjoy aspects of my day.

It makes me feel better that the A and OW isn’t the issue and it’s him. This is how I see things, the OW just muddies the water. He is addicted to her and in some sort of fog. He has become irrational and erratic in his behaviour It’s not natural. I just want to fast forward months. So I can be living with my parents, completely disconnected from him and his new fairytale life. Divorced and concentrating on mine and DD’s life.

Sorry to be posting again but I have had an awful day today. I’m going to go and see the doctor tomo and have got IC the day after. I have cried a lot today and just feel this almighty urge to run away. I can’t tolerate this feeling and situation anymore. I hate days like this because I find it very hard to be there for my DD and she picks up on this, she behaves in a more challenging manner and is attention seeking. I hate my WH for what he has done and what he has caused. He can’t see anything but his own happiness. Why can’t be just concentrate on sorting his shit out and then we can all be stable and moving forward?

Hugs needed x

Sending love and light and a thousand hugs.

This shit is so painful and disorienting and exhausting.

You are weary, sweetie. There is just too much to consider at this point.

You need to pace yourself. Not everything needs to be done today - just enough to feel some forward movement. That might look like sitting with your daughter and doing a puzzle. It might look like calling your mom and planning a bit of your move. Maybe cleaning out just one drawer.

You husband made unilateral decisions that blew up your world. It is going to take some time to get things sorted but you are on your way.

You are brave and strong.

NB,

Honestly you may not think or believe it but you are doing just fine, you are showing signs of independence, control, strength & you’re being so brave.

Just run with it, like SR said above just do 1 small thing a day, you’ll be surprised how much better you will feel at the end of each day, then weekly then monthly.

1 minute at a time,

1 hour at a time,

1 day at a time,

1 thing at a time.

((((Hugs)))))

I remember the feeling that I just wanted to run away. It’s a fight or flight response. I wanted so much to pack my kids in the car and drive far far away. But I knew the problem would still be there. That distance wouldn’t erase the pain.

You’re doing so well, you’ve been amazing for your little girl, you’re the stable loving, unselfish, competent parent. Every moment you’re curled around her providing the stability she so desperately needs you’re doing the right thing. Don’t be afraid to be unhappy around her, children need to see their parents are human and dealing with the range of emotions they’ll have to deal with.

All I can do is promise you it does get better. Time is a healer. One minute at a time, becomes an hour at a time, then a day. I’m a year and a half out I still cry, I still hurt, I still rage, I still have horrible dark fantasies about what I’d do to the bitch of an AP but they’re not as extreme, not as frequent. It does get better.

All I can say is that NC is your friend. If you have to communicate grey rock. You’ve got this!

Thank u so much for responding. I have just got home from spending the night with friends. We were able to chat about others things other than my shit, which was nice. I will get up tomo and make myself go for a run. My exercise has taken a nose dive which probably doesnt help how I feel.

My friends have offered to help me clear out my attic, which will be one massive thing off my list. We’re doing it with a bottle of wine at the ready.

He turned up 15 minutes late for our DD today. Not an issue, because he turned up. But is an issue - I’m not having my plans be put on hold until he arrives. I told him so and he has since apologised.

Thank you for reminding me of all the things I am showing my DD without realising. All my positive attributes that she will hopefully learn and become in time.

Running away isn’t the answer and when I stop and think for long enough and start to feel better I can see that it isnt the answer and won’t erase this pain. All I can do is spend as much time with the people who love and care for me. And float for as long as it takes. It’s a shame because I’m never a floater. I’ve managed to stay NC despite being in tears most of the day and then having to see him. I made sure her bag was packed and we were on the doorstep ready.

Can I ask what grey rock is? I’ve seen it mentioned but not sure what it is.

Sending (((hugs)))

Grey rock - no response to him. No email. No phone. No social media. Nothing he says bothers you. Nothing he does bothers you.

You are at the door waiting for him. Your daughter goes to meet him. You may go while she is young. But hello and goodbye are the only things you may say. Yes and no are complete sentences if you must respond to a parenting issue.

You are indifferent to him. You don’t hate him. You don’t feel sorry for him.

You will get there.

Sorry this is such an intense roller coaster ride. Even if you don't feel it or see it at times, you are handling things very well. You have a good head on your shoulders, and it shows. Post as much as you like. We're here for you. (((((Big Hugs NB)))))

That is so reassuring that people are here and posting with advice and empathy. Helps a lot. People give you advice but if you haven’t loved something how can you give proper advice.

Ah right about grey rock. I have been doing this at times. I just can’t wait to get this snake out of my life. I can’t tolerate him or this situation anymore. I don’t know him anymore or what he is capable of.

I’m in work today so I will hopefully have a much better day. More distraction and lovely people around me.

Sending ((hugs)) back.

I have been to the doctors and got some tablets to help my anxiety. Not really what I wanted but something had to be done. I am finding it extremely hard doing NC and the thought of sorting out all or intertwined shit is overwhelming. The doctor interestingly suggested that it sounds like an emotional affair that got physical. He said it sounds like the OW knows more about you and your relationship with him than you do right now. The more I have thought about this today the more I think he has hit the nail on the head. This is why I feel so out of depth dealing with him now and the power she has on him. Everything that comes out of his mouth is via her and I don’t know him anymore. He’s out tonight with one of our friends so whether that will tell any tales I don’t know. I feel like I need an expert to guide me in what I do to deal with him. I know he needs to realise for himself but I am sick with worry that he will end up losing everything. That’s not a nice feeling when you are a caring person. It doesn’t sit well with me that I have to allow him to potentially ruin his whole life and mine for possibly nothing?!

Oh god help me, I have actually considered returning to church!

I'm glad you are working with your doctor to manage your stress. Getting some light exercise is a good plan too.

In terms of whether or not you're dealing with the OW's sock puppet... yeah, you're dealing with the OW's sock puppet. But you need to remember that it's VOLUNTARY on his part. He's not some poor little muffin who's been preyed upon. He's made hundreds, if not thousands, of small, daily choices to deceive and betray you. It's completely natural for us to try and find a way to explain our WS's behavior, to see him as a victim. But it's just not true. He had agency, and he still does. His sock puppet status is limited to minutia, like the stupid questionnaire he sent you, not to the big ticket items like choosing to commit adultery.

You can't fix him, sweetie. No matter how badly you might want to, it's just not in your power.

Maybe a good thing to do would be to ask your friends to assist you with NC by not sharing information about you with him and vice versa. Your brain needs time to develop new neural pathways which result in habits. It's kind of like the old parable of the two wolves:

An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life. “A fight is going on inside me,” he said to the boy. “It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil – he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.”

He continued, “The other is good – he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you – and inside every other person, too.”

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, “Which wolf will win?”

The old Cherokee simply replied, “The one you feed.”

Right now, your neural pathways are set up to default to the circumstances you've become accustomed to. But those circumstances have changed and in order to train your brain to accept a new dirction, you need to "feed" the new neural pathway. Our brains are basically organic computers, which GROW. Isn't that an amazing thought? You have control over YOU and over that process as you see. But you don't have control over anyone else's. Other people may influence you, but they cannot change you.

And it's the same for your WH. The OW's influence, hell her actual words, might spill from his mouth like vomit. But HE is allowing it. She's not winning some grand prize, more like prize pig at the county fair. She's "winning" a serial cheater who abandoned his wife and child. She's "winning" a liar who consistently puts himself first and who sees the value of other people in terms of what they can do for HIM. He has shown you who he is and what he's capable of, and even if he ended the affair tomorrow, he's still that guy. He doesn't share your values.

Hang in there. NC will get easier. The more energy you pour into that new neural path, the sooner you'll get there.

((big hugs))

[This message edited by ChamomileTea at 9:03 AM, September 18th (Wednesday)]

Thanks ChamomileTea.

I need to learn this and fast. My old neural pathways are so strong and over powering at times. I am pulled by this invisible force towards him. He has been my safe place for so long and it’s like a bird being pushed out of their nest way too early.

He keeps telling me he wants us both to be happy but I think he is delusional. He has caused such pain that I won’t be able to be truly happy for a long time. I think I will start to channel my energy and thoughts on self help books rather than on trying to find an explanation as to why my WS would do such a thing.

I have broken the NC again today. Well I text to tell him what our valuation was and then told him I was having a terrible day. I have since had many texts since to tell me that he feels the same. But I know actions speak louder than words. He will be unhappy in time and I will find the happiness, I just need to believe it. I am in charge of my own destiny but fail to realise this when I am in complete panic and anxiety takes over.

It takes about 2 months for the brain to learn and accept a new habit, so yeah... it's tough work to keep that new wolf fed and every scrap you inadvertently provide to the old one strengthens him and sets you back.

I have since had many texts since to tell me that he feels the same. But I know actions speak louder than words.

There's knowing it... and then there's KNOWING it. You'll get there. It takes time. Part of you still believes that your WH cares. That's why you might allow him to see vulnerability by breaking NC and sharing a feeling with him. And of course, he spews out the lip service, but his actions tell the truth. You told him you were hurting because that part of your brain which developed for the sole purpose of connecting with him is still trying to connect. THAT's your "old wolf". Your new wolf will understand that providing him with centrality only reinforces his behavior, IOW.. more meaningless word salad but no substance. Your new wolf will actually be intolerant of a guy who's walked out on his wife and child bleating on about his own tender little feelings, all the while he's still fucking another woman. He should just carry a big Wile E Coyote sign that says "Kibbles!!"

You will get there. Have faith in YOU. You've got everything you need right inside you... and a really good support network too, based on what you've described. Feed your new wolf. Get strict on your NC policy. See an attorney. Take your life back. Get the best settlement possible for you and your little girl. One step leads to another, and when you're walking through Hell, you've just got to keep going. You've got this. Believe in yourself.

((hugs))

A frightening stranger to me

Stop talking to him. Stop texting him. Tell your friends you don’t want to know what he thinks, what he says.

NC = No New Hurts

why......because

He is a frightening stranger to me.

You will tell your daughter ..... DON’T TALK TO STRANGERS.

Why..... because it’s not safe.

I know I am so cross with myself for contacting him. I just have to think that I am able to do it as I have done it before. Just need to ensure I continue. I knew exactly what positive impact NC was having on me and also enabling him to see that he can’t have cake and eat it. We have gone from contact every day, ring, text or him showing up to very limited contact. Brief swap over of our DD.

Might be a good idea to ask friends not to tell all. Think they thought they were doing me a favour due to the fact it felt satisfying to them that he was having a rough patch with OW. He is so arrogant that he truly thinks that I won’t move out of the marital home and back to my parents. Well he will have a shock because this will definitely happen. I have made up my mind that this is best for me and my DD. I feel so much better here, don’t get me wrong i don’t have all the home comforts but the company and being part of a family again is therapy in itself.

NB - give yourself some leeway here. You are doing great with a very trying situation! It didn't get this way overnight and it won't get fixed overnight either. And yeah, splitting all the things is really overwhelming. Start small. I started by taking all of his books off the bookcase and piling them on the dining room table. They sat there for a few weeks, and then I packed them into a box and taped it shut. One step at a time and you'll get there.

(((NB)))

Also - Chamomile - LOVE the wolf story!!

Everything that comes out of his mouth is via her and I don’t know him anymore.

This was mine exactly. We were on a smooth path to D and suddenly the OW got her D and my WXH got squirrely and demanding. I know it was her words coming out of his mouth.

You are on a positive path. Your DD will learn the new normal and that you are the parent she can depend upon. Grey rock (i.e. no social chit-chat) will help you deal with him. I did tell my friends and family that I didn't want to hear casual info about him. My BFF and my sister though, they are the ones that we can shit-can him together and that's all I need sometimes. And lately, since our DS is grown, I don't have to deal with him. It's a good, calm feeling. You'll get there, you just have to ride that roller coaster a little while first.