SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Thank you all so very much! I had no idea that the help and support from strangers could be so moving. I have been crying for days and sleeping never. I will try to take the steps to put myself first. I know my kids will need me and that is probably the only reason why I haven't jumped off the balcony. How, how, how did all of you get through this??? You should all be very very proud of yourselves you are all incredibly resilient and strong!! I promise to do the best I can. I know I will need to if I am to survive this intact. Unfortunately, I love him and have been blinded by that love. I really thought I was a smart person. I know this is not my fault but right now I don't really care whose fault it is. I just want the pain to go away.

Alcohol abuse is related to my WS reactions and betrayals. Family of alcoholics or alcohol abuse have a learning curve too. There are groups and information such as Alonon or safe recovery. There are on line groups that meet.

InShock,

Says he should have some privacy.

This is right from Cheater's playbook! Other BS's will confirm this... Privacy = ability to behave inappropriately behind BS back.

After the discovery, the consequence is, if WS is redeemable for R, there is NO MORE privacy.

Basically, your WH's A's were rugswept... So, lies and deceit continued....He never changed or wanted to change / fix himself to become a safe partner to you.

I sent you a PM.

Strength to you!

[This message edited by TruthIsPower at 1:44 AM, Tuesday, September 7th]

He does not know how I can be so cruel to an "innocent child".

She is innocent in all this.

She was born into this situation and will be experiencing a myriad of emotions knowing that her simply existing will be causing pain to people she has never known or met.

You are indeed innocent as well.

You and your children have been betrayed in the ultimate way by the man who swore the greatest of all vows that he would never betray you or your children.

Your not wanting anything to do with this child is very understandable.

Unfortunately, right now, she represents all the lies, deceit, and betrayal that your husband has committed over the last 25 years to you and your children.

Him accusing you of being "cruel to an "innocent child" is just desperate and despicable way of trying to divert guilt and shame from himself and try to shift it on you.

Do not let him dare imply that you are being cruel.

Be assertive in making it very aware to him that the only cruelty here were his decades of lies, deep deceit, and his very betrayal that left an innocent child to grow up with out her real father having any responsibility for her.

Starkly point out that you were always there for your children but he was not there at all for one of his.

If he says "he didn’t know" then tell him to put that excuse back in his ass because that was an obvious risk of, and the very nature of the sordid world of adultery he made the decision to take part in.

[This message edited by keptmyword at 3:01 AM, Tuesday, September 7th]

(I'm so so sorry for this long post from me, I also found out years later and your experience has cut close to home and what I started to write ended up being the next novel it seems, sorry!!)

When I found out about my WH secret life of serial cheating, lumped together, it was overwhelming. What helped me was categorize the major issues so I could tackle it one bite at a time, if you’re finding you’re drowning at the moment I recommend you do the same.

The main areas would be, space, facing fears, road to recovery....

Give yourself space to think

I am of the school of thought that once infidelity is discovered you do need a period of NC so you can recover from the shock safely and then start making the decisions of Reconciliation or Divorce/Separation. Why? Because having your cheater in your face, dripping his lies, guilt tripping you, manipulating you, pushing you to do this or do that, pushing you to forgive and forget, influencing your choices etc that stops the healing process and locks you into something that could rob you of the rest of your years. Yes the notion of divorcing is scary but I can only tell you from my perspective, I’m on my way to divorcing and it’s not as scary or painful or life destructive as realising I’ve wasted 20yrs of my life with a serial cheater (we were also amazing, loved our marriage and relationship but reality was he cheated for most of it, some affairs, some ONS, he stopped cheating when he was 48 and started to have ED issues.)

Your marriage was this well contained bubble (by him) and he has now popped it, it’s very hard to acknowledge (i’ve had therapy myself to help me process this truth) but when one couple hides things, lies to the other’s face with ease and betrays without remorse what you thought you had was all spit and polish, surface shine marriage, the core is rotten. Whatever you choose moving forward, R or D, you need space away from your cheating husband to make the choice if you want to rebuild a new marriage or walk away from the broken one. I would tell him, without the whys, you need space to process this infidelity and you’ll get in contact with him next month, he is not to contact you and you will block his number. Then take that space, find help if you need it (IC and doctor/GP) and think, look at your core values etc. You really need to step back and allow the shock to pass and assess before you act.

Face your fears via gathering information

The notion of having to "start all over again" is a myth and a fear we betrayed tell ourselves however it’s not reality, life really does go on and what is actually happening is you’re "changing plans", that’s what it is if you choose D, changing some details, not restarting the whole thing. you are not killing off an entire lifetime, you’re just altering some things in your life. Reality is you’re already living a life now which is a part from your WH and you are living by yourself just fine without him in the same house. My WH also worked overseas for portions of his job, yes unbeknown to me he also used that time to sleep around, but like you, if I stopped taking his calls, stop replying to his texts and emails, I was living by myself. So separating while you think isn’t scary because he is over there, you are home.

There is a fantastic pinned post on our divorce/separation forum called "fear vs reality", read through it all, it honestly helps seeing all us betrayed share similar fears but it’s empowering to read the reality is nothing like the fear.

You’ve been directed to the I can relate forum but there is instant information over on our healing library under articles, read through it all, most are short.

Download the book "cheating in a nutshell" it’s a fast read. Those who believe in R would not recommend this book but as someone who also lived a long life with a cheater, IDK, it validated a lot of past and current hurts.

Talk to a divorce lawyer as soon as possible, you need this information to squash fears and self doubt. Even if you decide to reconcile having this information is valuable to your decision making. If you are in a state where infidelity is taken into account the daughter’s existence might be enough without you needing to get PIs involved. Regardless they can tell you the best case and worse case scenarios.

The more you read about infidelity trauma and healing, the more you identify fears and then find out information to squash them and give you peace of mind the more empowering your choices will become. Reading more on this also prepares you for the typical responses and actions your WH will dish out, things that look like remorse, sound like remorse but are anything but.

It's scary but you will need a full STD screen and ask your doctor if you think your girls need one too. I gave birth during the age where STD screening while pregnant wasn't done and when I went for my dday STD screen my GP automatically said my kids needed testing too, embarrassing as it is to admit this up until I had to worry about my husband giving me an STD from his infidelities I only thought STD/STIs were transmitted during sexual activity, I did not know giving vaginal birth, sharing a bathroom, towels, soaps, cutlery, cups, washing underwear together, patching scrapes etc etc all of that put my child's health at risk too as they are avenues of transmission. Before letting him back into the bed, if you choose to R, your WH will need STD screens done as well. This isn't an over reaction either, let's believe he only had one single ONS (not believed for a moment by this gal BTW) he participated unprotected without a care for you or your girls, the risk of transmission is a scary reality from just that one encounter.

Road to recovery

Do not think about MC, IC is the way to go, if you are finding it hard to find one family counsellors often have training with infidelity trauma, if still unsure you can call your state’s therapy board or even your doctor/GP. Also shop around, speak to a handful to decide who feels right.

You could talk to your daughters to see if you all want to have a family counselling session so the three of you can navigate this together, they might also benefit because no doubt they are in a state of shock as well. If they don't want to do counseling but want to talk, while you're NC/thinking maybe they could visit you for the weekend where you all sit in your pjs, pig out and talk it out.

There is a fantastic youtube channel called affair recovery, watch it all. I personally like the two part video of talking to an expert where they give space to an infidelity trauma expert to talk about what happens to a betrayed spouse once infidelity is discovered. The title is "Infidelity Trauma: An Interview with a specialist" part 1 & 2

Drink water, more than normal and quit alcohol. The body and brain dehydrates faster when in shock and in trauma and a dehydrated brain leads to bad decision making, depression, panic attacks, slow reactions and impossible emotion control. To feel a little better add more glasses of water to your day, even if you already drink the recommended amount.

Exercise, you need the endorphins to help fight anxiety attacks, nothing to do with looking better, everything to do with free feel good hormones when you feel like shit.

If you choose to stay with your WH get a written timeline, not typed (they have to face their lies when written) and hold your cards close and bluff, tell your WH this is his one and only chance to tell the truth about all his infidelities (and yes use plural), be vague, say you will know if he is lying as this news (of daughter) has made you investigate past red flags and leave it as that, if he lies and it doesn’t match that’s it. When he returns home use the timeline to create your poly questions (pay a professional, they’re more expensive but more accurate and keep the date quite so your WH doesn’t plan ahead by taking drugs and using techniques to cheat the poly.)

Get him to read books on how to help his spouse heal from his infidelity, hopefully it'll inspire true remorse which is needed if you choose to R.

As for the other daughter....

Your WH is a selfish pig if he expects to bring this daughter into your family without thinking how this hurts you, it's blind and it's so selfish. He can have a relationship but you don’t have to have one with her, she is an adult, I wouldn’t want her near myself and I would honor whatever my adult children wish to do but as for me I wouldn’t acknowledge her. If she was a child it would be different but this is a legal grown woman, she can get to know her father and he get to know her but you do not need to be a part of that process, you do not have to have a relationship with this woman, it’s as ridiculous as asking you to be friends with his ONS because she is a mother to his child. If you are considering R and you do not want to know this woman then set some hard boundaries for you and your WH, it could be boundaries like no martial funds spent on her, or no holidays or celebrations shared, she doesn't get to be inside the martial home, no calling the marital home, you and your children come first or it can be he keeps the two families a part and respect your wishes not to know this woman. It’s not cruel, he can communicate and have a relationship all he wants but he can do that away from you, he found it easy to live this cheating life behind your back, he is experienced in hiding so he can keep this separate from your life.

I’m so so sorry for the long post here, hopefully you got through it and it gives you some help. My two cents is he has cheated on and off your entire marriage, his past actions, ease of hiding this ONS and simple opportunity points giant red flashing arrows to it for me. You are not a monster for not wanting this woman in your life, she is innocent but so are you except for you she is a symbol of your husband’s infidelity, no one is going to judge you if you allow him to get to know her but put your foot down and keep her out of your life, she is a grown woman not a child, if your husband thinks otherwise then that is a new deal breaking boundary you need to ask if you are going to let him cross. Everyone is different but I survived by leaving, finally. I turned a blind-gaslight-eye decades earlier, believing him when he said it was nothing only to painfully discover years later it was all a lie, he was cheating when I thought he was and he kept at it. so the hardest part is starting the divorce process, honestly that’s tough but each step past that is a life away from infidelity and with the help of IC and family it’s not so bad, I find peace and happiness even.

[This message edited by LostInHisFog at 5:33 AM, Tuesday, September 7th]

My question is how do you do that? Does it matter if it is with a social worker or Psychologist? Psychotherapist? I have never required nor felt the need to reach out for help prior to this HELL I am living through. Not to sound completely naive but what do I google? How do I start? I definitely do not want to go the wrong route and wind up with someone damaging me more. I am afraid. I am not trusting any instinct I have since all have been blown to bits!

You can start by calling the number on the back of your health insurance card and get a listing of preferred providers. You'll want to make sure you're taking advantage of whatever mental health benefits you have. After that, you can explain to the receptionist that you're looking for someone with experience in trauma and infidelity. When you meet the therapist, go ahead an interview them and find out if their world view reflects what you believe. For example, I didn't want a therapist who was caught up in the old pop-psy of "unmet needs". I believe that cheating is about character and whether a person actually honors the core values they claim. IOW, if you're a person who honestly believes in the core value of Fidelity, you don't cheat, and it doesn't matter what's going on at home. For you, cheating is wrong and it's always wrong.

...there was an incident that happened about 15 years ago when I looked at his phone and found he was texting with someone. He said he just talked with her. Never did anything. She said in her text it was a "good time to come over because her husband wasn't home". I asked for his phone so that I could text her that I was his wife and knew about the text and to stop texting him! Obviously he denied everything then but was angry. "why are you touching my phone" He does delete things on his phone and still does not like when I touch his phone. Says he should have some privacy.

This is just another good reason to go ahead and get a polygraph. Don't allow him to arrange it himself. You pick the time and place. You might also arrange for a blood test so you know he's not popping a valium on the day its scheduled. Even if he gives you what we call, "the parking lot confession", see it through.

Like you, I had been married for over 30 years when my WH decided to go on a Craigslist binge fucking strange. So, I do understand your feelings of investment and how robbed you feel. It's miserable. It's like being mugged of 30 years of your time. It makes you feel small and helpless. But now is the time to show your strength and to demand the respect he owes you.

As far as the OC (other child) is concerned... She might be innocent of wrongdoing, but she isn't a little girl. She's a grown woman who should be able to scrounge up enough empathy to realize that she's a symbol of your husband's betrayal and that you and your family need time to process your WH's perfidy. Your WH needs to understand that too. So, take whatever time you need. You don't have to make a quick decision about having contact with this OC. And if she can't wait for you to get your bearings, that tells you something about what kind of person she is. Same thing with your WH. Put all these people on hold. Let your WH know that contact with the AP is a nonstarter and will NOT be tolerated. If he wants contact with the OC, you should be informed but NOT put on the spot and that you're not going to have this OC shoved down your throat. So, he can either back off and give you some time or repent his choice.

And do see an attorney. Your WH needs to understand that you have options. Schedule at least three consultations. Talk about possible divorce and what kind of problems might crop up in terms of wills and estate planning. I wouldn't even be coy about it. If WH wants to know what it means, tell him it means you're keeping your options open. Oh... and tell him that YOU get to decide who knows about this and who doesn't. He doesn't get to publicly shame you after 30 years of marriage with his "little oopsie" unless he wants you returning the favor.

We do have a thread in the I CAN RELATE section on OC's, so you might check that out. Believe it or not, you might find yourself more accepting of the OC later on, once you've been given time to process your emotions. Just try to be patient with yourself and allow your feeling, whatever they are, to process without force. Nothing you feel is wrong. Just work on allowing the emotions, sitting with them, and letting them pass when they're ready.

Sadly, the recent information you have provided about the incident 15 years ago screams out that he was screwing another woman. He is a serial cheater and may be cheating during his present work assignment away from you and his family. I am sorry to pile on more bad news at a time when you don't need it, but his behavior is inexcusable. He should not be allowed to have any more privacy regarding electronic devices for the rest of your marriage. Unfortunately, you can't monitor his activities at this point, but if you reconcile with him, it is a given that he no longer has any kind of privacy, period. This guy should sit for a series of polygraphs, not just one.

Demand from him a timeline of all his affairs. Meanwhile, go see an attorney in order to assess your rights. Don't take one more ounce of guff from him.

Thank you all of you for your insights. Since it was a long weekend my hands were tied for reaching out to therapists, professionals, etc. I will try to pick myself up off the floor today to reach out and make appointments. I guess that is the only way I will start the healing process - I promise to try and start taking care of myself. Rest assured all of your inputs have not been in vain. I do feel worse then ever but I guess once you have hit rock bottom there is no where else to go but up. I don't know what I would have done this past weekend with out this site. I am eternally grateful and shocked that so many have crawled their way back to some semblance of an existence after such betrayal and pain. "That which doesn't kill you" I guess applies....

I think you should consider reading up on the 180. It is to protect you from him snd his lying cheating ways.

Just because you are miles away doesn’t mean you cannot start setting boundaries.

Now you will never know if he has secret email accounts or apps etc. but you can start demanding accountability from him. Like FaceTime or zoom calls that are random after his work day and he has to comply.

Right now you need to focus on your healing. Not him. Not your marriage. Period.

There is so much out there regarding infidelity but usually involves a current situation or recent situation

For you, this is a current situation and I think you can follow advice for those who have just found out. I'm so sorry.

His daughter is innocent in this too, but I don't blame you for wanting no contact right now.

I agree with the others in that there may be more out there to discover. Seek an attorney and know your options.

Hi, welcome to SI, the best club no one wants to join.

Based on what you found on his phone years ago and your recent situation, I'd insist he take a polygraph.

The words 15 years ago are of a woman who obviously was having an affair with your husband.

He might be good at covering his tracks.

I'm sorry but I don't believe the affair 25 years ago was his first rodeo.

Do you have access to phone records going back?

Please get yourself into counseling because IMO you've just found out the tip of the iceberg.

Meet with your MD for temporary medications to help you cope/sleep.

From the remarks made by the OW's husband, it sounds like the OW was married at the time of the ONS and that recent events revealed the true existence of the biological father. The OW's husband is obviously extremely bitter over what has been revealed. What a mess. Pain all around, including the "daughter" who is an innocent victim of selfish, callous, disgusting betrayals. I'd fucking roast your poor excuse for a husband. A total POS. Go see a lawyer.

InShock,

I know that you probably won't believe this, but you are handling this with more clarity and more strength than many of us did when we first found out. I'm not BSing you; I've been here for more than ten years, and your strength to this point has been admirable. Keep it up.

You are going to go through a rollercoaster of emotions, but the one thing that usually bores into our minds is that we want/need to know the truth. If you were going the divorce route, the need to information is not as great. But if reconciliation is in the cards, then you need to know what you are trying to reconcile from. Don't even give another minute's concern about forgiveness. That needs to be earned, and it will be some time down the road for this....that is if you even choose to forgive. You can reconcile without forgiveness; many here have done just that. Remember--forgiveness is for yourself.

You may not be mentally ready to demand.....and hear.....the full truth. But you will soon enough. Usually, the imagination is worse than the reality. Not saying that your reality isn't terrible; it's just that our minds can play torture with itself until it is satisfied that all pertinent questions are answered. One important FACT for you to know is that there is no statue of limitations on your questions, and you can ask questions until YOU feel that you have acceptable answers. If you need to ask the same question a dozen times, then so be it. And if your husband is willing to do 'anything' to make things right, then he better put his money where his mouth is.

Someone remarked on the cheaters handbook. It’s a mythical manual on how to lie with a straight face to a betrayed partner. You are going to get a lot of mealymouth excuses from him. Get ready. My favorite of course is it was just one time. It seems like that’s what being told to you and I don’t buy it anymore than I bought my husband’s. I don’t know if it was just one time with one person and another one time with another person but I do not believe it was one time. There are lots of people on here who can give you other ridiculous stupid answers to any question you will have. Don’t believe any of the answers you get it. It’s cover your ass time to him. First of all one time with a woman he met at a bar. And somehow they have decided 25 years later that her father is done with her and he’s going to sic her on your husband. Lovely. Another thing you’re going to hear is it didn’t mean anything. Another one is he was drunk. People are going to come on here and tell you all the lies they’ve heard. I do wish somebody would actually write a manual, tongue-in-cheek, about the lies cheaters tell.
Find a lawyer
Find a therapist.
Look at finances.
AND TAKE CARE OF YOUR HEALTH! Stress is a killer. If you need help contact your doctor for something to help you sleep and something to help with stress and anxiety.

We are here for you.

Of course the daughter is innocent but she also isn't your problem. Also, she isn't a child. So he can tell the 25 year old that he is going to process this and let her know what kind of a relationship he will be able to have with her. He doesn't have to be daddy of the year within days of finding out that she even exists. Also it sounds like she never went without a dad. So she may just be trying to find out who he is but doesn't have a dad-sized hole in her life, you know? I don't fault her for reaching out but her and her feelings are for your husband to deal with, not you.

I do agree with others, find out the extent of the cheating. What are the odds he cheated exactly once and it produced a child? Not impossible but you deserve to know the truth.

The daughter has already established contact with the two adult daughters of the OP and WH, as well as other family members. I think that issue is a burst dam and no amount of huffing and puffing can get the water back in place. The OP can decide to have no relationship with her daughters half-sister, but I don’t really see how the daughter can be kept away from others in the family.
I personally would think that some form of acceptance of her presence would be a healthier path. Doesn’t mean you have to invite her over or knit her a pullover.

Reality is what reality is.

I said it in my original post: I believe marriages can survive nearly anything – except lies and deception. Some advice against seeking MC. I actually think that this is where a MC could come in helpful: A neutral place to make WH realize his ONLY chance at saving his marriage is total and utter honesty. At the same time MC can become a safe place for him to be that honest.

I personally don’t see any reason to automatically assume he’s a serial cheater or uses the opportunity of remote-work to cheat. What I do know is this: stats show that those that cheat and get away with it are likely to cheat again. Facts show your husband cheated. A lot of his actions are red flags. There is a good probability he is hiding something major. But I don’t see any advantage in assuming the worst as a fact. Part of the process is getting the truth and IMHO it’s better to deal with truth rather than fantasy.
Reality is what reality is.

the thing I will say is, he has every right to speak with his true daughter and offspring. He just found out. he didnt know for 25 yrs and had he, he would have probably done right by that daughter. asking him to cut off any contact wuth his own child is cruel and an odd request as a mother yourself. this is his child!

right or wrong that he did 25 yrs ago, he has a responsibility and this adult child is allowed that right to her father.

If you pushed that, I would expect him to leave the relationship with you but Im also a strong woman who takes care of her kids!

good luck on the rest. I think all is mendable but not if you put down such harsh lines for him to not be connected to his own blood.

One more thing. Adopted children are desperate to find their bio parents most of the time. They need to know why they have certain amount of gestures, why their health is different, why their interests are different. It doesn’t mean that they don’t love their birth parents just means they need to find out their biology make up. I don’t blame her for looking for her father but I blame her adoptive father telling her it’s time someone else looked after her. If he’s that cruel then I hope your husband is going to have enough smarts to know he can’t take a 25-year-old with emotional problems and fix them since he already is a screwup.

Whether the marriage survives should be completely up to the OP. The WH is a dog. He cheated once right out of the gate and almost certainly was cheating 15 years ago. Common sense leads you to the LIKELY reality that the WH has cheated periodically during the marriage. His trips for buiness purposes away from home hands the opportunity to cheat on a platter to him. It is incumbent that the OP find out the complete truth even if it requires that the POS WH has to sit for 10 polygraphs. Will the POS WH confess to any further indescretions? Who knows. But, again, it is quite likely there are other affairs/ONS. No one knows for certain and absolute certainty should not be required. That is not the standard that should be applied here. The burden should be placed on the POS WH to prove otherwise.

Concerning the new "daughter," while the OP's daughters have developed some sort of relationship with her, the OP should not be required or forced to join in on accepting her as part of the family. I would hope that her daughters would have the decency to separate their interaction with the new "daughter" from the present family structure. That means that the "new daughter" should not be included in any family gatherings, period. Again, she has her own family. As far as the POS WH is concerned, out of respect for his wife, he should take an arms length approach with the "new daughter." Again, he is the sperm donor and she is an adult. He has no legal obligation to provide support nor is he even the legal parent. Though not her fault, she represents the POS WH's ONS. OP should not be forced to accept the continued integration of the "new daughter" into the family. This is a terrible situation and the person who is the obvious victim of this mess is the OP yet it seems that she will be required to swallow the continued indignity by having the "new daughter" become part of the family in one form or another. I say fuck no to that bullshit. The POS WH should agree to whatever the OP wants. That is the least he can do. Her daughters should be much more sensitive to their mother's plight. I feel terrible for the OP. This just isn't right on any level. She is the only one who deserves compassion.

Welcome, I'm a little late to this party, but as the nurse I want to demand/ask/plead
that you call your Dr and get an appt to be seen today or tomorrow.
You are truly traumatized and no sleep and full on fight flight trigger to the extent you are dealing with is incredibly unhealthy and given your age can cause uncontrolled high blood pressure which can cause other bad things.

So go get some meds that will help manage the anxiety and allow you to shut it off and sleep for a few hours. Also discuss what you have found out, and get a referral for a therapist that specializes in trauma and verbal abuse. Your H has manipulated you for a long time, and just from the little you have shared, it seems he may be abusive.

Then the next day you need to get an appt with an attorney. Do NOT tell your H you are going, and go find out your rights, his obligations and what your options are. The purpose of this is you cannot go forward in trying to R, or D without being informed, and understanding what your options are.

Lastly tell him to take his ask for forgiveness and shove it up his lying ass. He has absolutely no right to ask that of you. He has broken you, your M, and your trust horrifically, and if he doesn't understand that he needs to get his ass in therapy yesterday. Understand that this is NOT your fault. His choice to have a ONS, to hide and lie, have nothing to do with you. It is all because he is a very broken person and the only person that can fix his brokenness is himself.

Love your kids, love yourself. Be kind to you. Get some sleep. Get some protein shakes, like muscle milk, or Premier protein, and get that in you if you can't eat.
The two most common issues we have when our entire world falls apart are lack of sleep, and lack of being able to eat. Some solid sleep and nutrition will honestly give you a fresh look at this shitstorm you have been reluctantly thrust into.