SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Let us know how you are doing, Dear! I know your time today has been spent in triage on all you have to accomplish, so I applaud you for focusing on that and not posting here. But you know everyone is following your story and crossing fingers that you can stay on course and not get sucked back in to someone who thinks your reaction to his infidelity is so “ridiculous” that it excuses his slapping you while cornered in the kitchen.

See how it sounds when other people say it? Keep focused on that.

Hugs!!

[This message edited by Odonna at 6:26 PM, April 27th (Saturday)]

Hey everyone, sorry for not updating last night but I wound up hanging out with my friend and it was so nice to have a mental break from the shitshow that is my life right now. We laughed a lot, had some drinks, and I feel pretty good today. Things have been quiet with STBX. He's giving me the space I need which is good. I'm hopeful he could decide to just leave on his own, but I'm preparing for the worst. Everything is done except legal advice. That's really the most important part of all this for me though, so I'm going full steam ahead with that tomorrow.

He hasn't been yelling at all, he's been putting on the fake nice act. Now I see through it all though. I have continued with the 180 and won't be going backward. Honestly at this point the only thing that would make me ever slightly consider giving him a second chance would be if he went to a program for domestic abusers, showed consistent true remorse and understanding of what he'd done wrong, as well as complete honesty and transparency about his cheating and sneakiness. Obviously, the odds of him doing all of that are virtually zero. So it's effectively over. And at this point, I'm completely at peace with that and ready to get it over and done with.

You've got a great attitude and plan.

I'm not surprised to hear you say your feelings have changed quickly. My xWW likewise took a swing at me towards the end and I was absolutely shocked. Couldn't believe it. I had a very different feeling/attitude towards her after that. I mean, who does that?

So happy to hear that you've formulated a plan. Good work!

((hugs))

So he's starting to put more pressure on me to give him answers. Yesterday he asked me again if we were ever going to talk about what happened. I reiterated that I'm not ready to talk about anything. He said we have to talk about it and I said he can talk if he wants but I'm not going to. Then he asked "Are we just done? Are you just done with me?" I said once again I'm not ready to discuss that, and I walked away. Later on, I was asking him to fold his laundry because it was all over the bed and he said he'd do it later. I said "I already know you're not gonna do it later and I don't want these clothes all over my bed" and he said "Your bed?? Don't you mean OUR bed?" I ignored that. Then around dinner time I was sitting on the couch, he was at the other end and was asking me a question, then moved down to me and started touching my leg and my arm and said "Come on please stop", I guess meaning please act normal with him again? I didn't say anything. I have to admit, I am getting some sick pleasure out of messing with his mind after all the pain he's put me through. I've been doing nice things, like putting his laundry in the wash for him (he was shocked and thanked me), while also treating him with cold indifference, and I can tell he is very confused. He is acting pretty meek, doing what I ask without complaining, answering my calls right away, just generally being cooperative and agreeable. I really don't think he's going to leave on his own. I'm prepared either way, but it's looking like I'll need to kick him out. He's not the obsessive type, but I've also never been so completely indifferent to him, and I don't know if he's going to start getting desperate for my attention. I wish I knew what will happen next

stop trying to figure him out and stay the course.

If I can give you some insight on what to possible expect.

He will try to “nice” you back. He’s doing it now.

When you don’t respond or give in to his attempts, he will get angry and/or evil. Mean. Nasty. Revengeful.

Be prepared.

Have a plan in place. Ready to exit if you must or have him removed.

Do not telegraph any of your plans to him.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 9:27 AM, April 29th (Monday)]

Lp,

I went back to your original thread just to remind myself of your full story. Can you answer a few questions?

-how is your depression and anxiety? I know you are on medication, but the cortisol must now be surging in you, adrenaline too. How are you doing?

-aside from all WH’s inappropriate sexting and social media escapades, you mentioned your husband can be quite mean and uncaring, while at the same time very needy. Is he someone you could see yourself with as a life partner if the infidelity issues could be resolved?

-is alcohol a problem for him? Is he drinking every day? Does he pass out? Is he an alcoholic?

-was cornering and slapping you just a bright line for you? I think it would be for me, and many others, but some might be able to get past it if there was confidence it would never happen again.

You are now on a clear course toward divorce, and I am not trying to dissuade you at all. But I want to understand the dynamics of your relationship a bit better, as you will have to co-parent your baby no matter what. How is his relationship with your other kids btw?

[This message edited by Odonna at 12:05 PM, April 29th (Monday)]

I agree with The1stWife. When he realizes his nice act isn't going to work, he's going to break bad. And it will probably be a quick snap.

Please - as others have already suggested - have a plan in place and be prepared to execute it on a dime. Do not hesitate.

And please, keep us updated. We care very much.

Thanks for your responses, you guys are truly my lifeline as I get through this. He will know nothing of my plans. I'm feeling completely in control of my actions and emotions at the moment, and will not give myself away. However, he is very intelligent and manipulative, and is usually very good at reading me, so I have to be extra emotionless and not give myself away with facial expressions, etc.

Odonna, to answer your questions:

1. I'm actually feeling really good in general at this point. I cried a little last night, but other than that I've barely cried or felt depressed. I had bad anxiety for a couple of days there, but now I'm feeling back to normal.

2. Even if the infidelity gets fixed, I don't think I can see spending my life with him. He definitely has some good qualities, but at this point the bad far outweighs the good. I think he is a fundamentally selfish person and will probably always be that way. I don't want that in a husband. He's always going to put himself first, and I don't think I'll ever feel like he truly loves and cares for me. I don't think my feelings matter to him whatsoever.

3. He's not a full blown drinking every day alcoholic, but he does drink too frequently and definitely has an issue with it. He sometimes goes to the ER the day after drinking, with his reasons being bad stomach pains (I'm pretty sure he's got an ulcer or something), or having panic attacks. He's very pleasant when he drinks and doesn't get "sloppy" or black out/ pass out. He can handle the alcohol at the time, but can't handle the hangover the next day.

4. I feel like the slap became a hard line in the sand for me after I realized he was purposely bullying me and wasn't even sorry for what he did. He STILL has not apologized. He'll clearly do it again since he doesn't even think he did anything wrong.

5. He's generally good with my kids, but I feel he yells too much at times. With my 13 year old son he can be hard on him (as in lecturing him about poor grades or bad behavior) but he also seems to genuinely care about him. They hang out quite a bit together and they bond over common interests, like music, video games, and comic books. They joke a lot with each other and my son confides in him about "guy" things. With my 6 year old daughter, he's generally loving and affectionate, and she is quite attached to him. He's great with the baby and participates fully in parenting him. I don't have any qualms about leaving him alone with the 3 kids.

Before all this happened, he wanted us to have another baby and have me be a stay at home mom. I'm sure he still wants those things, especially another baby. A couple of weeks ago he was saying once we close on the house I can quit my job if I feel secure enough in our relationship. Now I'm looking back thinking this was all just a ploy to get me totally dependant on him so he has full control and can treat me however he wants. I'm happy this happened before i wound up pregnant again with no job. Then I'd be REALLY screwed.

Thanks for being so forthright. It helps to know these things in thinking through the nuances of your situation.

So you are seeing a lawyer today? Do you plan to file right away? You should have a plan to get away from the house the day he is served. Stay in a hotel if you must.

Does he have a best friend who can help him after you file? Does he have a strong family network? The more people he has around him the better as you don’t want him just focused on you with no one to counsel him and restrain him from bad behavior.

If anything happens at any point that you find threatening be sure to audio/video record it to add to your police report and support a motion for exclusive use of the home or even a restraining order.

I will stop by your thread a few times today, and I am sure others will as well, so please let us know how things are going.

To me it sounds, like your WH has an emotional problem that he is using alcohol to sedate and control however he is thinking or feeling.You say that her is nice after drinking but mean when he isn't.

I'm not meeting with a lawyer today as I'm still trying to set up consultations. It's difficult to meet with a lawyer with my work schedule. I'll have to find one who can meet this coming Saturday, or one night this week (I'll tell WH that I'm meeting with a friend or something), and most lawyers prefer to meet during regular business hours so it might be a little tough. I'm not planning on filing for divorce until I have enough cash put aside for the down payment on the house. I really just need to talk to the lawyer about how to avoid him trying to claim the house. I already consulted with a lawyer a few months ago when I caught him cheating, so I already know what to do for child support/ spousal support/ custody/ filing divorce. I really doubt he'd try to fight me for the house though... I've kicked him out before and he left without putting up too much of a fight.

I'm not sure how I will handle actually filing. It really depends on how he's acting. If he starts getting crazy on me, then I'll have to do it the hard way. However, I'm still hoping he'll decide to leave on his own once he sees I'm not interested anymore. He's not really the type to get emotional and obsessive about women. Before we got together he'd been single for many years. Plus he's most likely still cheating, so odds are he's already got his next girlfriend lined up. I really doubt he'd try to fight for the marriage.

If he does start acting nuts, I'll call his best friends and his brothers to get him back in line. I know all of them pretty well and they all like me, plus most of them live close by.

Is there a reason you have not asked him to leave? You kicked him out successfully before. Why not now, when he has crossed the line into physical violence? If he has brothers nearby he can go there.

[This message edited by Odonna at 1:57 PM, April 29th (Monday)]

The only reason I haven't tried to throw him out is because I need to make sure I get the money for the down payment on the house. Otherwise, I won't have anywhere to go except maybe some small shitty apartment in a bad neighborhood. I'm trying to do what's best for me and the kids long term. Being a single mom with 3 kids, this is really my last chance at getting safe, adequate housing for my kids. Also, now that he hit me completely unprovoked, I feel afraid of him. I wasn't afraid of him the last time I threw him out. I did it in a rage because I had caught him sexting. At that point he hadn't been violent with me yet. Now that he's crossed that line, I'm scared he could really hurt me.

Hurtmyheart, I agree he's definitely using the alcohol to self medicate. His mother is a severe alcoholic, and addiction issues run in his family. I think he uses the alcohol to help manage his anxiety and stress issues. He tried to get help for his anxiety, but kept having bad side effects from the medications the doctor prescribed. I kept asking him to go back and try something different but he keeps making excuses.

To me it sounds, like your WH has an emotional problem that he is using alcohol to sedate and control however he is thinking or feeling. You say that he is nice after drinking but mean when he isn't. So he isn't dealing with his life issues in a healthy, positive manner.

Did you say that your WH was abused in his past history? I thought you did? Maybe I am wrong though.

I had a brother who was a drug (abuse) induced schizoidphrenic and although he was on meds, he didn't stay regular with taking them. He would have a lot of hallucinations and began abusing alcohol to calm the voices and delusions in his head. I (had) three brothers who where addicted to alcohol and drugs Two passed already from their addictions.

Not saying your WH has a personality disorder, I'm saying that it seems like there is something underlying in his emotional state and he is abusing alcohol to calm whatever he is dealing with.

You have anxiety and depression? That has probably been a huge stress on the both of you. And also adjusting to a new baby in the house. And you are also working full time and your WH has a new job to contend with. And you are buying a home. Sheesh, I'm freakin beginning to get stressed out over this extremely stressful heavy load!

I think the both of you have issues and are on stress overload, and the both of you have been and are handling it extremely poorly. Very poor communication skills and very poor coping mechanisms on each side.

Your WH has gotten relief through porn, sexting, drinking excessively, and by being an asshole. His coping skills have been extremely poor and so has yours. And now here you both are. Him getting so stressed out and not dealing with the underlying problems in an emotionally mature manner and resorts to shitty behavior and you go to shutdown mode.

I'm assuming this is your second marriage? You have two other kid's who adore this man. Besides the fact that your kids are from someone else, you say they adore each other. And he loves and adores the baby too. So, you have 3 kids to take care of, one is a baby. You work full time and he just got a job and making good money. You are buying a home and you have/had post partum depression and you say you've also been mean and cruel to him at times do to feeling anxious and depressed.

I don't believe in physical, emotional, psychological, sexual or any type of abuse but the truth is that the both of you are so stressed out, who wouldn't expect a bomb to go off? The both of you are ticking time bombs.

Personally IMH opinion, you also are being cruel by withholding conversation from your WH and that is also a form of emotional abuse. If you truly were that afraid of your WH, you would have left and seeked shelter.

My WH also became ugly at one point, esp when he continued to drink heavily. I became fearful of my life also. He was getting in my face, threatening and yelling at me when he was drunk. I became afraid for my life and started to call hotlines for a women's shelter, esp because the situation was escalating, just like yours is. But I wasn't so fearful that I had to escape right away and maybe you aren't as fearful either.

This is how I see you. You are more angry with what is going on than afraid that he might do it again. Because if you were afraid, you would have left by now. Just my observation.

Sometimes we want to point the finger at the other person's and say that it is all their fault because all of this shit is happening.

Yes, I agree that your WH made extremely poor choices and obviously has poor coping mechanisms and so do you. But although your coping mechanisms are different than his, they are still not healthy. You avoid and don't talk, you said you would scream and holler at him, you have depression and anxiety. I think that there is a lot of dysfunction going on to where everything will escalate to more bad things happening, if something doesn't change soon.

Maybe it's time to have a mature, grown up conversation and lay it all on the table? Meet somewhere in public so it doesn't escalate and if it does, you can get up and leave. Tell him your thoughts and allow him to tell you yours. Tell him to meet with you sober. Tell him to go to a 12-step program or two or three 12-step programs. And you do something also, 12-step program, IC, etc. Conversing with him may calm the storm but of course do it in a safe environment. You can also tell him that if he doesn't act respectfully, then you will end the conversation.

I'm not telling you to stay, these are only suggestions about how you may want to consider handling the current situation.

You also have three children involved and you don't have money to support yourself and your kids at this time. So what can you do to try to rectify this situation before it does escalate again, so at least the two of you can have somewhat of a peaceful environment, esp for your kid's sake? This isn't fair to them.

Don't forget that there are five people involved. So, choose wisely what your next step will be.

How old are you and your WH?

[This message edited by Hurtmyheart at 3:27 PM, April 29th (Monday)]

Hurtmyheart, I'm 34 and he is 33. You're right that we're both under a ton of stress. On top of all the crap you listed, the baby was getting sick a lot and has since been diagnosed with asthma, so that's been another source of stress. I do feel very angry at him. I look at him and wish I was bigger than him so I could beat the crap out of him for what he's done to me. However, he could literally kill me with his bare hands in less than 5 minutes, so I have to control myself. We both had really rough childhoods (mine was particularly bad, but his was no picnic either) and neither of us really knows what a healthy marriage looks like. I think deep down he really wants to be this normal family man but his demons are getting in the way. There were definitely times in the past I was emotionally and verbally abusive to him. However, since I got on meds back in December I haven't done anything like that. I feel like I've changed but he just doesn't want to put the work into changing as well.

As for being afraid... I don't think he would cause serious physical harm to me. He has self control, and when he hit me I don't feel he did it because he lost control of himself. I think it was a calculated move on his part to scare me into submission. He cares a lot about his reputation and he wouldn't ever want any of his friends or family finding out he slapped me, because they'd all tell him he's a piece of crap. Like I said, I admit I have been getting some pleasure out of going grey rock on him. I feel like he has manipulated and lied to me so much, and now I'm enjoying turning the tables on him and making him squirm. I know this isn't a very mature approach though and it also won't work long term. Obviously if there was a way to fix all this, I'd want to do it. I would give anything to just have a normal loving family. But he hasn't even apologized yet... I've at least apologized and owned up to my mistakes, but he seems to just want to blame it all on me instead of taking accountability.

We've been acting normal in front of the kids, but I'm sure they can see something is wrong since we're not being affectionate with each other like we normally are. For now, I think I'm going to continue to grey rock unless he apologizes to me. If he gives me a sincere apology for what he did, then I'll be open to talking to him about where we go from here. But if he can't even admit it was wrong to hit me when I did nothing to provoke it, then I don't think there's any hope at all.

Then tell him what you want in a mature and healthy manner, "I am not interested in having any conversations with you until you apologize for...and admit your part."

Trust me, I know it can get ugly and since you have kids, next time he approaches you on the matter, tell him that you are too hurt by his actions to be able to talk about it. Or you can talk to him and tell him via text messages what you need to hear from him. Your kid's are the tricky part in all of this. When I am upset with my WH, sometimes we will text. Keeps the emotions down.

The two of you have a lot on your plate and if love is truly there, you will get through this. But, there needs to be mature, adult like conversation with some kind of boundries. The goal for him is to make you feel safe, loved, wanted, needed, treated like you are number one, kindly and with respect, etc. And tell him that he is doing a poor job at making you feel safe and loved in this relationship. Men hate to hear that they aren't doing a good job at being a good husband and father. Because as long as he continues bad behaviors, he is not a good husband or father. But it does take two to make things right and both need to participate in learning better coping mechanisms.

I will tell you from my experiences, coming back together and getting back on track is a long, long process. It is not a straight shot to the finish line and kiss and make up. It's a long, long process with lots of ups and downs.

I am glad that you have told him that you will not accept this poor behavior of sexting or any type of abuse from him anymore. And yes, he needs to accept that you aren't going to put up with his BS about any shitty behavior anymore, no matter what your future outcome is going to be.

Your setting heathly boundries is a good start toward healing.

[This message edited by Hurtmyheart at 4:15 PM, April 29th (Monday)]

So tonight didn't go well. On my way home from work I asked him if he could pay the daycare from his separate account. He got weird with me about it. When I got home he started in on me about it, saying he had just put all this money in the joint account for the bills so why couldn't I pay it out of that, he thinks I'm up to something, he's not going to pay for this house and then have me kick him out after the closing date and him be homeless, kept asking what I'm planning, what I'm up to. I told him I wasn't up to anything, I was just trying to make sure we had enough in there for the down payment. Then later on he put the baby to bed and he fell asleep on our bed. I came in to get stuff and turned on the lamp, and he got mad and said he hadn't gotten sleep all week because the couch sucks and he just wanted to get some sleep so I need to stop coming in and making noise. I got so angry because he was saying it in a sneering way, like it was all my fault he had to sleep on the couch, so I told him it's his own fault he has to sleep on the couch since he thinks he can just hit me like that with no consequences. He minimized it of course, saying he tapped me on the head. I told him he was abusive and he wasn't sleeping up in this bedroom and he needed to go back down to the couch, and he said don't worry he will, and he went downstairs in a huff. He still doesn't think he did anything wrong. He's delusional.