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Just Found Out :
Honey, they always affair down

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BullGirl ( member #23685) posted at 7:58 PM on Friday, November 20th, 2009

THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU. Haven't been here in a while (work is nuts). I needed some inspiration today and this is IT!!!! I feel so, so much better now. (((((((deathbybetrayal)))))

Me: BW, 42
Him: WH, 50
Married 5 years, together for 6
4 legged children (2 boys)
D-Day - 3/23/09
Filed for divorce and looking forward to whatever the future holds.

posts: 241   ·   registered: Apr. 19th, 2009   ·   location: Dallas, TX
id 4243531
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 deathbybetrayal (original poster member #22478) posted at 8:16 PM on Friday, November 20th, 2009

You are welcome.

As a side bar - this was never meant to excuse the behavior of the wayward spouse, or to deflect blame away from them. The original intent was inspired after spending about an hour on the phone with a newly betrayed spouse who was having a difficult time in resolving the issue that the OW was in some way "better than her."

I've seen it so many times (and watched myself do this so I know first hand) that soon after DDay, that the BW is down, on the ground, in a fetal position, experiencing gut-wrenching pain - and then to actually see the OW in person or a photo, and all of the "he threw me away for 'that'????"

They are not looking to "trade up," and more often than not, they don't want to "trade" at all.

It was written for BWs - as I imagine a BH's response might be different. Not that the pain is different, but the self esteem issues of the male ego are different.

Hugs and peace to everyone today who is suffering, in pain, or somewhere else along the path to recovery.

Edited for another stupid typo.

[This message edited by deathbybetrayal at 2:37 PM, November 21st (Saturday)]

Married 10 years at DDay
Me: 53 Him: 52 - Desperately trying to unfuck the donkey.
DDay: July 16, 2008
FWH Epiphany: Aug.23, 2008 NC: Aug. 28, 2008

posts: 5624   ·   registered: Jan. 16th, 2009
id 4243579
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Pepper_95 ( member #25858) posted at 9:38 PM on Friday, November 20th, 2009

Another Thank You for this!

Watching my father have multiple A's growing up and seeing some of the OW, I had to wonder WTH he could have been thinking.

Now with my WS, I have been left wondering the same thing. My WS has told me that he has the wife that his co workers dream about (they apparantly tell him how lucky he is). DH has an EA/texting with two people employed at his company, both of whom are just the polar opposite of everything he has ever been interested in. I think he just soaked in the adoration they gave him. Whatever!

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

posts: 187   ·   registered: Oct. 16th, 2009   ·   location: limbo
id 4243880
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ImDone09 ( new member #26156) posted at 9:43 PM on Friday, November 20th, 2009

yeah but what if they don't leave her, and they leave you....what does that say about the BW.

"Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option."

posts: 18   ·   registered: Nov. 11th, 2009   ·   location: Illinois
id 4243895
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Where2Now ( member #21701) posted at 11:35 PM on Friday, November 20th, 2009

yeah but what if they don't leave her, and they leave you....what does that say about the BW

ImDone - in my opinion it's saying they both deserve one another. Honestly I'm not trying to be smart here - I see you are a new poster. No BW ever, ever deserves to have to deal with this - they are never responsible for anyone else's poor judgement calls.

Me - 57
WH - 62
D-Day 8/13/08
OW - 28
Married 39 years
D/Day #2 - April 4, 2010 - husband confessed to a couple of times of unprotected sex with a prostitute - just prior to the ambulance coming to the house to take him to the hospital.

posts: 241   ·   registered: Nov. 20th, 2008   ·   location: Colorado
id 4244160
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 deathbybetrayal (original poster member #22478) posted at 11:39 PM on Friday, November 20th, 2009

It says that they are still foggy, perhaps to the point of fucktardation.

Even if they leave, it does NOT mean that they are trading up. For the life of me, I can't imagine why anyone would want a partner they just pulled away from someone else.

For the record, my first husband had an A and left for the OW (9 days after seeing her for the first time since college - we had been married 16 years) and in fact, he married her. She was a total mess. Their marriage was a total shamble. He left her two years later AFTER she ruined his relationship with his children, sucked every penny she could out of him, losing their home, cars, everything including his dignity. Did he trade up just because he married her? I think not. Ask him today and he'll tell you the same thing. We get along quite well now.

Married 10 years at DDay
Me: 53 Him: 52 - Desperately trying to unfuck the donkey.
DDay: July 16, 2008
FWH Epiphany: Aug.23, 2008 NC: Aug. 28, 2008

posts: 5624   ·   registered: Jan. 16th, 2009
id 4244167
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ImDone09 ( new member #26156) posted at 1:15 AM on Saturday, November 21st, 2009

I asked because I am the one who was screwed over by my husband, he left me and is now with her and she is NASTY! Makes me feel like shit.

"Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option."

posts: 18   ·   registered: Nov. 11th, 2009   ·   location: Illinois
id 4244344
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foreverchangedwi ( member #15368) posted at 7:44 PM on Saturday, November 21st, 2009

In my opinion the majority of adultery takes place between people who are morally broken.

There is nothing about a woman or man that will cheat to honor or respect.

Thus the inner fight I have in reconciling with "MY" cheater.

But I have a prior relationship with him. I know that he is remorseful, sorry, ashamed, pissed at himself, most of all, I love him.

Her, I don't owe anything but a bitch-slap.

BW-me
FWH-him
D-Day-1/24/06


The measure of a person is not based upon the words that they speak, but upon the choices that they make- {Borrowed from lieshurt}

posts: 1557   ·   registered: Jul. 17th, 2007   ·   location: Florida
id 4245461
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ShatteredAndDone ( member #26067) posted at 7:56 PM on Saturday, November 21st, 2009

fucktardation

Thank you dbb That is a great word!!

[This message edited by ShatteredAndDone at 1:56 PM, November 21st (Saturday)]

Never make someone your priority, when they only make you an option.
Trust the instinct to the end, though you can render no reason. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

posts: 1476   ·   registered: Nov. 2nd, 2009
id 4245484
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lookslikeaduck ( member #12103) posted at 1:56 PM on Thursday, November 26th, 2009

bumping

BS oct 2009 ..... never make someone your priority if they only make you a option

posts: 374   ·   registered: Sep. 20th, 2006
id 4253859
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lookslikeaduck ( member #12103) posted at 9:47 AM on Monday, November 30th, 2009

bumping again just to keep this great post up there

BS oct 2009 ..... never make someone your priority if they only make you a option

posts: 374   ·   registered: Sep. 20th, 2006
id 4259178
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realgood2u ( member #20940) posted at 5:44 AM on Sunday, December 6th, 2009

bump

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/phi/187640237.html

"Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live."

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cngsVlG3Z60

posts: 395   ·   registered: Sep. 8th, 2008
id 4270779
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onhold ( member #17394) posted at 11:08 AM on Sunday, December 6th, 2009

in my case he affaired 15 yrs younger and qualifications and pay higher.

should i feel better or worse? sure i think he affaired down in finding a female with no morals

posts: 88   ·   registered: Dec. 14th, 2007   ·   location: Erurope
id 4270894
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2muchhurt ( member #22071) posted at 12:24 PM on Sunday, December 6th, 2009

Wow!!!..Thanks for the bump and the insight on this one. I never knew how women thought of the OW. It is different for men.

posts: 68   ·   registered: Dec. 16th, 2008   ·   location: Alabama
id 4270910
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invictus ( member #21623) posted at 12:49 PM on Sunday, December 6th, 2009

Thanks for bumping this -- it really put a few things into perspective for me.

I have never wondered whether OW might be in any way "better" than me, but I did think I wanted to know just WHY this one was "special" enough to end a 31 year marriage. -- bottom line, she wasn't.

My faith, family and friends have helped me through this to the point that I realize I am the special one. I am too special to be cheated on and treated poorly. Sometimes, I am overwhelmed at all the love and support that has been freely given, and I am extremely grateful.

This post drove it home for me.

Now, if the EX will just honor the dissolution that was deemed equitable in court without trying to be "relieved" of any of it... my healing can be completed.

THANK YOU for this post, the responses and the bump up.

"i"

♥ BW m. 31 years - Divorced in 2009. It's still a month to month financial struggle, with higher income taxes as a single and no retirement parachute since I was a stay at home mom.

posts: 1887   ·   registered: Nov. 13th, 2008   ·   location: Texas
id 4270919
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Sereneaspiration ( member #25296) posted at 12:50 PM on Sunday, December 6th, 2009

There are so many wonderful, insightful and helpful posts here at SI but this one in particular is one that really hit home with me and one I definitely needed to read!

Beautiful, brilliant!

Me (BW)-42 yo,EWH - 42yo,DD - 14
DS - 18yo
Married 3/15/92
Ddays: 12/26/1995, October 2008 (EA and sexually explicit emails),4/10/2009 (ONS A), 8/31/2009 (5 year A w/coworker), 10/5/2009 WH broke NC
C Separation
Reconciliation

posts: 263   ·   registered: Aug. 25th, 2009
id 4270920
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simplelife ( new member #26402) posted at 2:59 PM on Sunday, December 6th, 2009

this is good to read and to constantly remind us of our self-esteem while rebuilding it. THANK YOU SO MUCH deathbybetrayal, i needed that today.

during our initial confrontations, i asked my WH if the OW knew he was married and he said yes. i already told him i knew right then and there i was better than her because there is no way one should get involved with a married person. i told him i was brought up with good breeding and being unscrupulous is not in my dictionary.

if they choose to continue their affair - they deserve each other.

posts: 16   ·   registered: Dec. 3rd, 2009
id 4271000
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bbee ( member #17840) posted at 5:09 PM on Sunday, December 6th, 2009

Thanks for the bump! And thanks, DBB, so much. It's still something I struggle with at times. Yes, she's fourteen years younger than I, prettier, more athletic, more exciting (as in adventurous.) But she is also a mentally and emotionally broken person who went after my husband when she knew full well he was married. She wanted my life. Well she has him, and my house. And I have my self-respect.

This above all: to thine ownself be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Hamlet, Act I, Scene 3

Love all, trust a few, do wrong to none.

All's Well That Ends Well, Act I, Scene 1

posts: 6681   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2008   ·   location: SE US
id 4271104
laughing

Murphydog ( member #26365) posted at 5:25 PM on Sunday, December 6th, 2009

THIS ROCKS...Deathbybetrayal, you have articulated this situation beautifully....wow, wow, wow..this is a print out for me

BS-me
FWS - him trying hard to find the man I married

posts: 80   ·   registered: Nov. 30th, 2009   ·   location:
id 4271123
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heartbroken75 ( member #24311) posted at 5:43 PM on Sunday, December 6th, 2009

Wow, thanks DBB and thanks to everyone for bumping it up.

I really needed to read this today.

BS me:41
FWH him:45
married 21 years, together 22 years
children 19, 15, 14 & 13
D-day# 1 8/29/08
D-day# 2 9/29/08
D-day# 3 10/15/08
You may regret your silence once, but you will regret your words often.

posts: 65   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2009   ·   location: Texas
id 4271137
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