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Well hopefully tonight will be better since it is date night!

Like I said in all my other posts on this thread, she is really good at saying the words, hoping it blows over, and then not doing any of the actions. But why??

I hope she takes some steps tonight to show you that she is willing to do the work.

Can I really break up my family and destroy my kids world just because I’m too horny?

This is not about breaking up a family over sex. The sex issue is significantly about her showing you she is still not a safe partner. That she is still not committed to embracing the healing you need. This is about her failure to use the ways you need to rebuild trust in her, what she says, how she fills. Sure you want good sex, but her responding to you as she does is mostly about her continuing to deny you the healing, trust, safety you expect.

We all know when the they do or don't "get it", and what it looks like when they show it. Your wife is unsafe because the one thing you can most trust her to do are not the things that you need her to do, with conviction, contrition, and dedication.

I don't believe it is even possible for her without serious IC. She can say 100 times what she promises to do, but without serious work, it will be salt in the wound over and over and over. That is not really about sex, it is about being in an unsafe relationship with a person you cannot trust to make you the most treasured thing she has.

I know the plight you are in and I am sorry for your pain.

but willing to allow me to have sex with her.

This isn't going to get it done. Not good enough. Insulting.

......but that she totally plans to have really good sex tonight.

I probably know the answer, but I have to ask the question. What did she say about how or why her actions did not match her words from earlier in the day?

“Tonight’s the night I’m going to be into sex”. Hours later, “I don’t feel well, but tomorrow will be great”. Tomorrow comes and she says “I’m not really feeling it so I’ll just bend over and get it over as quick as you can. However, I’m really looking forward to date night and pick something sexy out for me to wear!” Date night comes and...well....you know how it ends.

How many times does Lucy have to keep pulling the football away from Charlie Brown?

Federguy, NOW would be the time she puts her best foot forward and puts in max effort. If not now, when?

I'm holding out hope she knocks his socks off for date night!!

I know it's more than sex. It's the let down that you aren't important enough to her for her to make the effort.

As others have said... this is not about being "horny" or "just sex". This issue is that you have given your wayward a very rare opportunity to at least try and fix the mess she created by having an affair. You made a clear requirement that you needed to see effort in repairing your sex life... and she has refused to meet that requirement.

As most people around here will point out - actions speak much louder than words. She said all the things you wanted to hear but her actions told a very different story. The actions say she neither values nor respects you.

Divorce will not necessarily ruin your children's lives. I have personally known a significant number of people who have come from divorced homes and grown up to be perfectly happy and wel adjusted adults - also know plenty of adults that have raised very happy and well adjusted children after a divorce.

I personally believe it is worse to raise children in an environment where they observe and live in a dysfunctional household. That is way more likely to cause profound long term issues.

At the end of the day you are the one that has to live with your decision but think carefully before you condemn yourself to a life of unhappiness by staying in a marriage with a spouse that does not value or respect you.

Keeping my fingers crossed for tonight Fender.

Forgive me if I missed it, but does she have any medical issues that might be contributing?

Date night is Saturday night. Sorry if I accidentally said it was Friday, but it is in fact TOMORROW night. I'm not going to get my expectation too high. I'm sure we'll have sex. But will she put ANY effort into it at all? That's what remains to be seen. Don't get me wrong, I'm all about having a quickie when that's what the circumstances call for. But when that's basically we're doing, I take issue with that. It's not fun for me, it's basically masturbating with her vagina.

Darkness Falls, while there are problem with her, physically, I think she has issues with anxiety that keep her from being able to fully engage in the moment and let her guard down. She has seen a doctor about this, and has just recently started taking medication.

[This message edited by Fenderguy at 6:48 PM, July 27th (Friday)]

Medication is going to further give her zero sex drive.

I was also optimistic for you. I can’t believe she is too tired.

She is truly missing out. As a woman this is the time to be a woman and not just mom, pta mom. To just feel sensual with her husband.

It’s extremely sad for her.

I wish she could be different for you. Please I beg of you. NO affair for you. Please do not have an exit affair.

Fender, the reason I asked is because due to my medical issue, there is a disconnect between my mind wanting sex and my body wanting it, if that makes sense—I can think I want sex, but then by the time actually comes, I have no drive and no personal motivation for it (the only motivation is for my husband and marriage—‘duty sex’). It sounded similar enough to your wife that I thought I’d ask.

Try morning sex.

^^ I was going to suggest this as well. It's easier and less in your head to think about. Worked for me this morning!! :-)

Are you happy with her outside of the bedroom? If she really has no drive, maybe she'd be willing to let you get it elsewhere, if that's something you'd consider? It really depends on what you guys want, but I do know 2 couples who have this "arrangement" and they seem, on the surface anyway, to be OK with it. I could never live with it, but, then again, if my sex drive evaporated tomorrow, I'd D my W so she didn't have to live without. It's too important for me to even imagine someone making that sacrifice to stay with me, I'd never believe "I love you anyway".

It’s too important for me to even imagine someone making that sacrifice to stay with me, I'd never believe "I love you anyway".

t/j: RIO, you do realize you do quite a bit of projecting your thoughts/feelings/what you value onto others, right?

RIO, you do realize you do quite a bit of projecting your thoughts/feelings/what you value onto others, right?

There's a lot of possessives in what you quoted for it to be projection.

I bet if your wife found out you had four other woman on the side........she’d be all over you!

Murkywaters,

It wasn’t solely the quoted part I was referring to, but even if it were, attributing his feelings and attitudes to someone else—in this instance his W—is happening in the paragraph surrounding the quoted part despite the possessives.