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I recently confessed to my husband of 8 years that I had an affair when we were in a committed relationship 12 years ago. I am seeking advice regarding specific things I can do to help my BS heal from the revelation of my affair and subsequent betrayals of his trust. The longer story follows.

12 years ago, my BS received a suspicious text message that led him to believe I had been unfaithful. I lacked the courage to own what I did and feared the truth of what I had done would end our relationship. I couldn’t bear the thought of losing my soulmate, the person with whom I wanted to spend the rest of my life, so I lied and told my BS that I had kissed my AP. I immediately ended the affair and told myself I would never fuck up the second chance that I stole from my BS. Until a few weeks ago, I believed that I had held up this promise to myself and never betrayed him again because I have not had sexual contact with another man since. But I didn’t. I put myself in 3 different situations in the next couple of years after the affair where I knew another man was interested in me, and I led them on by spending time with them, flirting with them, drinking with them. I told myself it wasn’t wrong because I never crossed a physical boundary. I was thinking only of myself and not about how my actions would hurt my BS. I hate how incredibly selfish I was in those moments, especially because my BS has always been nothing but loving and true to me. I recently betrayed his trust by searching for his post on this site and stealing from him the only safe place he had to go for support. He trusted me with his heart and I ripped it out of his chest and shredded it. It makes me so incredibly sad to know that I’ve returned his unwavering love and trust with grief and insecurity. I am so ashamed of how I treated him and that I didn’t respect him enough to tell him the truth and relinquish control of the outcome.

I thought I would take the truth of what I had done 12 years ago to my grave, that it was my burden to bear since I’d been lying for so long. I told myself I was protecting him from the truth, but I was really protecting myself. When we were out on a date celebrating our anniversary, we were sharing how much we love each other and what made us feel insecure in our relationship. He asked me whether I had ever slept with my AP years ago, that he was still insecure about the fact that I had kissed another man. I knew it was not the time or place to come clean, so I lied once again. It felt horrible, and I hated myself for it like I have every time I’ve lied about in the past. This time felt different to me for some reason – it had been years since he brought it up, during which we had two beautiful children. I realized this thing I had done would live with us forever no matter how hard I tried to forget about it, and I feared continuing to lie would hold us back from being able to strengthen other parts of our relationship that we have both been wanting to seek counseling for. It was selfish for me to wait to tell my BS the truth until we had built our beautiful life together. I realize that although I had good intentions of wanting to be completely open and honest in an effort to strengthen our relationship, I placed a huge and incredibly unfair burden on him by waiting until I felt secure enough that he wouldn’t want to leave.

I should have done so many things differently. I shouldn’t have had an affair, I shouldn’t have lied about it for 12 years, I shouldn’t have continued to put myself into risky situations after I’d had an affair. I should have been in therapy for years to work on my flaws and become a better person rather than compartmentalize what I had done so that I could continue to be with the love of my life and enjoy the beautiful life that we’ve built together. I should have taken more time to ask myself the difficult questions that my BS has been asking me in the past few weeks so that I could be more accountable for all the unconscionable things I’ve done. I should have done more research before confessing to minimize the damage I inflicted upon my BS. I should have read more about what my BS would need from me to heal.

Unfortunately, I didn’t do what I should have, but I have done the following: I have read How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair (am currently re-reading this and trying to apply what I’ve learned), and Healing from Infidelity. I’m currently reading Getting Past the Affair and will continue to share things I’ve found helpful with my BS. I’m in individual counseling to work on processing this trauma, gaining more impulse control, being accountable for my actions, getting better at apologizing even when I think I’m right, not being defensive, communicating my thoughts and feelings more effectively, controlling irrational thoughts, overcoming my fear of conflict and fear of failing, overcoming my fear that I can never meet my BS’s expectations, that I’ll never be able to do enough or be good enough for him (a long-held insecurity of mine that feels bigger in the wake of what we are working through now). I’m working on being more honest with myself; I think reading more of these forum posts will help me continue peeling back the layers of denial and rationalizations beneath which I’ve shrouded my betrayals. I e-mail my BS almost daily to express my remorse, to tell him how much I love him, and/or to be more open with him about what I’m feeling. I thank him for not giving up on me. I am taking on more of the child care, especially when he needs a safe space away from them to experience his feelings. I acknowledge how hard he is trying not to lash out of me when he’s gripped with anger. I hold him and cry with him, although he has told me he wants me to cry more often and do more to show him that I empathize with his pain and that I am truly remorseful for what I’ve done to him. We are in marriage counseling to work through the pain I’ve caused him, and to understand each other better.

My BS is incredibly frustrated that he not only has to bear the pain of my betrayals but that he has had to help show me the way to heal him. I am frustrated because I feel like I keep getting closer but am still falling short of what he needs from me. He wants to believe I will do anything for him. And I will, but I’m still not doing enough because he doesn’t feel it and therefore doesn’t believe it. I feel helpless to ease his pain in his darkest moments. We are committed to reconciling, but I fear there is no room for error on my part; one misstep sets us back and makes my BS question whether I am worth the effort. I give him credit for not giving up when he feels the most despair.

I am going to write a plan that outlines the specific steps I am taking/will take to help him heal and to reconcile our marriage. My main questions for you all are: What are some specific things I can be doing or doing more of to help my BS heal from my betrayals? For those who reconciled, what are some things you did that you feel really made a difference to your BS (or that your WS did for you, if you’re a BS)?

Another thing my BS struggles with is believing whether I am actually a different person than I was when I betrayed him years ago, and rightfully so. He wants assurances that he is safe with me and isn’t a fool for staying with me. He wonders if I’m still the same person I was at 23 and that the only reason I haven’t betrayed him is because our circumstances have changed to provide enough boundaries (marriage, young children, mutual friends) to keep me from betraying him. Yes, our circumstances are much different now, but I have also done a lot of growing up in 12 years. My priorities are incredibly different. I focus all my energy on my BS, our family, and my career. I am still flawed, but I am working on my flaws whereas at 23 I had no clue how flawed I was. I would love to hear from anyone who has insight regarding when they knew they were really different (or if you’re a BS, when you knew your WS was different): How did you know you were different? What changed?

Thank you in advance for your insight.

BS here. No stop sign.

There is a sort of cognitive dissonance that waywards often experience. It sort of goes like this:

"I am a different person...now", when their actions say something entirely different.

I have read your BS's thread, and your revelation was not years ago, but rather recent.

Are you saying you are a different person than the one who lied up until just a couple of weeks ago?

Do you hear how hollow that sounds? While you may 'feel' different, your BS still sees the same you that held a lie for the entirety of your marriage.

If you want people to trust you in ANYTHING, you must be consistent. Not only consistency in word and deed, but consistency in action from day to day. Brick by brick, day by day, this is how you rebuild your foundation. This is the process, and it must be demonstrated over a long period of time to rebuild trust. This is why I frequently tell waywards to trust the process.

How recent was the last incident of putting yourself in an inappropriate situation?

I too read your BS' post and am sorry to you both.

You are going to read a lot and learn a lot in the next coming days, weeks, years. The advice I received from my own WS was to take on board the parts you could use and leave the rest.

I too was young when I betrayed by partner. I will tell you now that him acknowledging my young age at the time has given him no comfort. You put another man before your now husband. You made him second choice and sentenced him to a life of sloppy-seconds, forever.

I suggest you spill your guts about the affair and do it asap. Every ugly detail you can remember and spare him nothing. DO NOT WAIT FOR HIM TO ASK. If you remember one night that your AP smelled like peppermint then say it. No detail is too small. It is only when everything all laid bare can your partner decide if he can or is willing to forgive you and allow you to rebuild. If you leave it to your AP to ask something and it turns out it was something major in his eyes then it only makes it worse because he will feel like you are still trying to keep things from him.

A BS posted a comment a year ago that still rings in my mind today...

"Your best must be just as glorious as your betrayal was destructive"

I wish you both love and strength.

I was once a young 20-something who fell in love with a woman and moved in with her. We were both in our early (and then mid) 20's. Both still finding our voices. I was in a rock band. She was a dancer. Life was wild and crazy. Like you describe in part of your post, I crossed boundaries, often and badly. I told myself I wasn't cheating because I never had sexual intercourse with another woman, but in hindsight my boundaries were barely existent. My LTGF did the same. It was even blurrier because we jointly participated in some group sex activities.

As years passed, I began to become more domestic and less wild. I saw my future as being part of a family with my LTGF and her young son. She did not, or, more accurately, she was not as "settled down" as much and as early as I was.

We failed to discuss these sorts of expectations in any clear way. Like many young people, we both merely existed within our own sphere of beliefs, assumptions, desires, and impulses, clouded by way too much drinking and partying.

About the time I felt things were stable between us, she came home after being out all night and told me that she had slept with another man and that she was leaving me. I was crushed and heartbroken. I eventually moved on, but in hindsight I am grateful for her transparency and brutal honesty. It gave me the opportunity to learn things about concepts such as trust, commitment, communication, boundaries, etc. This self-learning created a foundation for my relationship choices. Eventually I met the woman who is now my wife of 23+ years. I was an older, wiser version of myself by then, better at communicating. Plus, we went through the process of getting married. Life with my wife has been a good life.

In hindsight, what I realize is that young people in love often fail to have express discussions about boundaries and expectations, and often boundaries are blurry. This is especially problematic when they move in together. Some cohabiting boyfriends/girlfriends continue to view the partner as somebody he/she is dating casually, but they just happen to share the same roof at night. Unspoken expectations and boundaries, as opposed to the expressly spoken ones.

From your thread (and I must apologize in advance that I've also read your BH's threads and my response to you is informed by that to some extent), my perception is that, in those young years, the level of commitment within your young heart was not as clearly focused as his was. You behaved the way many young 20-somethings behave. You sowed wild oats. There is no shame in this in the abstract, and I even view the fact that you did this whilst living with your then boyfriend as in some way less of a betrayal compared to a betrayal after the formal promise of marriage. Young people, wild oats, unstated/unshared assumptions. Very common.

There was possibly another factor in play as well. Your BH has described you as very beautiful (physically). For a beautiful young woman, life can be a gushing firehose of men presenting her with the best they can muster, all for a chance to get in the panties. We (men in our 20's) have a saying: "I'd eat a mile of her shit just for the chance to see where it came from." I've talked to numerous girlfriends about this over the years. For many women -- and this often occurs when moving to a new, unfamiliar area -- the realization that she wields this power can come suddenly and surprisingly. It can be intoxicating. Beautiful women have to learn, among other things, how to handle this kind of power over men. That adds to the turmoil and lack of clarity that can already exist within a young 20-something's sexual heart.

From my perspective (and this is just mine), the bigger issue by far is the initial dishonesty, and the subsequent sustained dishonesty. I understand that you wanted to preserve your relationship and therefore the dishonesty was driven at least in part by desire for him. However, it was driven for a desire to have a relationship with him based on a fiction you allowed him to believe.

Dishonesty in every case is a species of disrespect. That is where I think your exploration and work ought to focus.

To say something like, "I am a different person now, than I was then", ignores the sustained and repeated dishonesty. However, you did recently chose to end the dishonesty. This suggests that in fact you are a different person now than you were then, and I believe that in the meantime, your love for your BH has been real. What have you learned about honesty, and respect, that led you to change course and confess? I realize there was the gnawing guilt, but that has been present for over a decade. Something inside of you, in your moral compass, changed such that you disclosed this.

For what it's worth, I think the decision to disclose this evidences a certain courage in truth that you didn't have in the past. You have nothing to gain by telling him this, and everything to lose. You are essentially putting yourself at the mercy of his ability to show grace and endure pain. There was a similar thread here on SI a while ago, where a WW confessed to her BH about an A that occurred many years prior (in that case, while they were actually married). The consensus there was similar -- that she had nothing to gain by disclosing, therefore the only reason for doing so was to be transparent and honest, in ways that she was not able to be in earlier years, because she had grown as a person and realized that this level of honesty is the form of respect that her BH deserves.

By the way, there is a whole thread in "I Can Relate" about betrayed spouses who found out about the affair years after it was done. If you read through it, you'll find that it is a paradigm shift for the BS. The whole relationship, from the time of the A to the time of discovery, is cast in a new light and re-examined. One thing I notice there is that it really matters, a lot, whether the marriage has been good since the A ended.

[This message edited by Butforthegrace at 8:08 AM, November 14th (Wednesday)]

To be clear, I've read your BH's thread and posted in it a few times. What stood out most to me is the fundamental lack of respect you've shown him over the last twelve years. You've spent every single day placing your wants above his right to make informed decisions about his life. However you feel about it, you've forced your husband to spend the last twelve years stumbling through the dark when it was your responsibility to do the opposite. You may claim to be a different person now, but the truth is that you've been a betrayer every single day of your marriage and that didn't even begin to change until the day you finally told the truth about your affair. I'm not sure you've even begun to grasp just how much you've stolen from your BH and how small he must feel in the face of it, and that is something you must work to understand.

Fundamentally, you've treated him like a child. You decided to pick and choose which truths he needed to know about his life so that you could manipulate the outcome. It was not your right to do this. He was and is a grown man who deserves so much more than that. Even the circumstance under which you confessed is further evidence of this behavior as you admitted to him that you only confessed because you felt that your marriage would survive it. This means that had the predicted outcome not been to your favor, you would've continued to treat him like a child who didn't need to know things you didn't think were good for him. Coming here and taking this space away from him was yet another way in which you've demonstrated this tendency. You decided he wasn't allowed to have a safe space to process this even though it was not your place to do so.

There is a deep, deep well of selfishness and disrespect within you that you that you must reckon with. You may be aware that you need to change, but you are at the very beginning of that metamorphosis and you need to be aware at every step that you are almost certainly not as far along as you'd like to believe you are. This will take a great deal of time and effort to correct. You must do more than what he tells you he needs. You must give him your 110% every day and be proactive as all hell in doing whatever you can to help him feel safe and help him heal. You must learn to relinquish the control over him you've always felt entitled to and you must learn to absolutely hate complacency. He deserves your absolute best at all times from here on out.

[This message edited by firenze at 3:45 PM, November 13th (Tuesday)]

First, what have you done to change yourself from betrayer to good partner?

IMO, that almost always means IC/therapy, and I don't see that you've started. The self-talk that enables cheating is deep-seated and very hard to hear on your own, much less change. Almost everybody needs an outside observer to guide you to hearing the self-talk and changing.

Second, if you were fresh from d-day, I'd counsel coming clean at once. But you've been lying for a long time. I still counsel coming clean now. Your H won't believe you for a longtime, but starting 'no more lies' to your H late is better than never.

Write a time line. Answer every question to the best of your ability. Even with a skeptical partner, every truthful answer builds a little trust. If you keep it up without a break, your H is likely to believe you eventually.

It may be counter-intuitive, but I expect you'll benefit from becoming honest more than your H will. Even if you end in D, being honest is a good way to deal with other people.

Third, ask for what you want. If you want to give your H a hug, ask him if he wants one.

When he's prickly, ask if he wants you to approach or stay away, and do what he asks.

Ask him what he wants. You can not read his mind. If he can't tell you what he wants, you're unlikely to be able to give it to him. Since you're in MC, you've got a decent venue for clarifying what you both want and what you both are willing to give, assuming a decently competent MC.

Farsidejunky – Thanks for your great advice to be consistent and trust the process. The last time I put myself in an inappropriate situation was before we were married.

SelfishCheater – Thanks for your insight. My BS is beside himself with having to ask for details for the exact reasons you state – he feels like if he has to ask and I respond with new information, then I must be hiding more from him. I have told him everything I can remember about what happened and am trying my best to remember what I was thinking and feeling at the time with complete honesty and without projecting my present-day thoughts and feelings on my younger self. The fact that I have lied for 12 years means my BS has to rely only on my memories to understand how I could have wronged him in the worst possible way, so I am giving him every memory I’ve got.

Butforthegrace – Thank you for sharing your story. I am sorry for your heartache and happy that you have had a good life with your wife of 23+ years. I have been asking myself whether I had a different level of commitment to my BS than he had to me when we moved in together. The thing is, I had moved far away from my entire family and all of my friends to be with him after I graduated from college. I was madly in love with him and excited to start the next chapter of our relationship. I knew that he was “the one” I wanted to marry. Our relationship was filled with a deep emotional connection, infatuation, and desire, not unlike an affair – we were in our own precious bubble, only ever seeing the best of each other, and I was constantly high on my intense love for him. When we moved in together, I think that reality looked and felt different from what I expected. We weren’t in the bubble anymore. I loved him deeply, but I was having trouble coping with reality. Maybe you are right – that once reality set in I started to question my commitment to him because being in a relationship was hard work – work that I didn’t really know how to do back then. I hate that instead of turning to my BS for comfort and support, I chose to chase the thrills of being with another man, to find a way back into a bubble safe from reality. I don’t say all this to excuse or rationalize what I did. I made those choices. I hurt the person I love most in this world in the worst possible way and I am deeply remorseful for what I have done to him. Thank you for your thoughts on dishonesty. I had a yearning to be more open, honest, and vulnerable with my H prior to D-Day about my thoughts and feelings and truly felt putting in that work would be in vain if I couldn’t be honest about the worst thing I’ve ever done. I know it will take time and I am committed to putting in the work. I’m thankful he’s giving me the chance to show him I mean it.

Firenze – Some harsh truths in what you say. Thanks for sharing. Humility, proactivity, and being my absolute best – I’ll add those to my list of mantras.

Sisoon – Thanks for your insights. I’ll have to consider your question more carefully. I am in IC and that has been helpful. I think my BS believes I am a good partner (we have had a great marriage and love each other deeply) and this is the main reason he’s not giving up on me. I wish I was a mind reader, as does my BS! Great advice to just ask if I don’t know what he wants. Thank you for that.

When we moved in together, I think that reality looked and felt different from what I expected. We weren’t in the bubble anymore. I loved him deeply, but I was having trouble coping with reality. Maybe you are right – that once reality set in I started to question my commitment to him because being in a relationship was hard work – work that I didn’t really know how to do back then.

Interesting insight. I recall going through those same feelings myself. More than once, actually. Stepping into another level of adult responsibility for me often involved a part of me wanting to cling to the carefree fun of being childish. For some reason, my most crystalline memory of this was carrying my infant son into our home, from the hospital. As we crossed the threshold, shit got real. I sold my motorcycle, quit my band, and started being a dad.

There were a couple of times in those early years where I got back together with the guys for "one last" gig. Since they were so few and far between, and as any parent knows, the schedule for two working parents with an infant can be really all-consuming and difficult (including the sleep deprivation), I got completely obliterated drunk in the after-gig partying. Maybe three times. It was a complete abrogation of my responsibilities as a husband and father, and I really didn't have any explanation for it except that nugget in my soul still longing for the carefree days of the "before" time. Getting that drunk was itself a small betrayal to my wife. I was useless as a partner to her for a couple of days thereafter, needlessly increasing the already crushing burden she was carrying.

My wife interpreted these episodes as a sign that I was unhappy as a husband and father, but that wasn't it al all. I was actually delighted in that role. It was really more a little voice that had not completely gone away, the petulant child that didn't want to be responsible, that wanted to just be drunk and carefree. In the circumstances of being with the guys, after a show, nobody around except the band and a few hangers-on, the free drinks. I just lost my focus.

[This message edited by Butforthegrace at 2:14 PM, November 14th (Wednesday)]

I should have done so many things differently. I shouldn’t have had an affair, I shouldn’t have lied about it for 12 years, I shouldn’t have continued to put myself into risky situations after I’d had an affair.

Replace 12-years with 18-years and this a line I have actually heard from my wife.

And I will, but I’m still not doing enough because he doesn’t feel it and therefore doesn’t believe it.

It does take time for us to believe in big behavioral reverses.

I told my wife that big, long explanations wouldn't help me (at least at first). I needed her to SHOW me, not tell me. I needed her to take the lead on her own changes and in healing our marriage.

In our case, 2.5 years of her relentless effort, and I do believe her now. I believe she has changed and really wants me and our relationship.

It does take mountains of patience and time. It is a pain beyond my ability to describe, so again, it takes a while.

Your primary weapons should be - effort, honesty, kindness and more patience than you can imagine.

I have read your husband's thread and the help you are seeking is probably above my pay grade but there are many here who can help you.

It seems your heart is now in the right place, which is an excellent starting point.

I told my wife that big, long explanations wouldn't help me (at least at first). I needed her to SHOW me, not tell me. I needed her to take the lead on her own changes and in healing our marriage.

In our case, 2.5 years of her relentless effort, and I do believe her now. I believe she has changed and really wants me and our relationship.

Wise words from Oldwounds.

Honesty in your words and actions is what I would want to see if I were your BS. For the rest of your marriage.

I recently read a post by a wayward who seemed diametrically opposed to being remorseful. To me you are the opposite and an excellent candidate for reconciliation.

Good luck

Flawed...I am sorry you are here, but glad you mustered the courage to post (and I am sure your husband is, also). It really sucks being a Wayward, but you can work your way out of this mess...trust me.

You have already gotten some great advise and there will be far wiser and more experienced posters coming along to offer thoughts and ideas to help you.

Just a couple of my thoughts: As others have said, you must offer full disclosure, there cannot be any omissions or, worse yet, lies about your infidelity regardless of how painful or excruciating. Even if your husband has not asked for it, I strongly urge you to draft a detailed timeline of the what, when and where you cheated and include emotions and thoughts as best you can remember. Cover all of these bases now...you do not want more future discoveries or setbacks. Include everything and omit nothing.

After all these years of lies, your actions now are far more important than words. The things you do to help your husband heal and to regain his trust carry far more weight than the words that come out of your mouth.

Trust is earned and it will take time, so be patient. OK, it it time to fasten your seatbelt and go to work. Stay strong and keep posting.

[This message edited by Klaatu at 6:59 PM, November 14th (Wednesday)]

Reconciliation will require you to build back his trust for years, but the fact is, his blind trust will never fully return. As a result, he will also need to perform his own work, including learning more about you, how he was so wrong about you, and how he can trust himself again. But even this isn't enough to successfully reconcile. To compensate for the remaining gap of trust that never returns, he needs to become a more independent stronger person. This is a force fed sh_t sandwich, so sh_tty, it carries into the next marriage until a BS does the hard work to digest it. I believe however, if he does the hard work, the changes in him will support him more successfully in life. Nobody should be relying on blind trust. Those who do fall hard.

Reconciliation will require you to build back his trust for years, but the fact is, his blind trust will never fully return. As a result, he will also need to perform his own work, including learning more about you, how he was so wrong about you, and how he can trust himself again. But even this isn't enough to successfully reconcile. To compensate for the remaining gap of trust that never returns, he needs to become a more independent stronger person. This is a force fed sh_t sandwich, so sh_tty, it carries into the next marriage until a BS does the hard work to digest it. I believe however, if he does the hard work, the changes in him will support him more successfully in life. Nobody should be relying on blind trust. Those who do fall hard.

THIS IS A BULLSEYE!!

Thank You StillLiving!!!

It has been 12 years since my wife's affair. We have reconciled, I believe successfully. But even today, 12 years later, I can have a moment when I am back at dday. Though the emotions aren't as tense, they still surface. In the mind of a BS it could be seen as you had your fun and did so with impunity. After all these years you tell your husband the truth. May I ask what were you expecting his reactions would be? Were you ready to see this type of pain? Are you willing to put in the work 2, 4, 8 years from now? You were given great advice. My advice: be honest in all things, nothing is too small or unimportant, when you fail, lift yourself up, learn from it and implement what you learned. When you succeed, be humble and gracious. Do all things in love. He loves you. Live can cover a multitude of faults. Respect that.

[This message edited by WilliamM at 11:14 PM, November 14th (Wednesday)]

Hello.

All people are tempted, in many areas, in our lives. This must be realised.

We are to run away from temptation and not entertain it.

Confession, to your husband and God and a determination to avoid this in the future.

When the religious teachers brought the adulterous woman to Jesus, for her to be stoned to death, Jesus said, “He who is without sin, throw the first stone.” Gradually, the crowd walked away. Marriage is precious to God, pray for healing and ask other Christian people to do this. God can forgive and heal anything.

Before anyone thinks I’m a religious hick, let me say I have experienced more than most people. I was an Australian soldier in Vietnam, specialised in psychiatry, for almost 40years, with extensive expertise in counselling people for everything. and also a part time professional photographer. Many degrees from the ‘university of hard knocks’.

May God bless you both and give you great healing.

Ron

[This message edited by ronjs at 4:57 AM, November 15th (Thursday)]

Flawed, I would mention one additional item for your consideration as you work with your BH. When a BH discovers that his WW (I use those terms realizing that the two of you weren't technically married at the time, but you were living together and had moved to a new city together contemplating marriage) has been sneaking and lying for the specific purpose of having sex with another man, it is very common for the BH to suffer feelings of sexual humilation and emasculation.

"It was just sex" is ironically one of the worst things a WW can say to her BH in this circumstance. I'm pointing this out because it has been my observation that many women don't understand this. It's not intuitive to women.

What a man hears when his WW, who repeatedly returned to another man for sex, while lying to her BH and concealing it, says, "It was just sex":

(a) I'm trying to minimize the magnitude of my betrayal (which men find patronizing and infuriating); and

(b) The dick he was giving was so good, and so much better than the dick you were giving, that it was worth it to me to lie to you, deceive you, risk our entire relationship, and put you at unwitting risk of catching an STD that could affect your entire life (I'm assuming you didn't use condoms in the A -- condoms are rarely used in A sex in my observation). I didn't need anything more from him to justify imposing that level of cost on you. The "just sex" was enough for me, compared to the degree to which I cared about you as a sexual man.

There are many incredibly long threads around this topic in the General forum. For a man, the calculus is something like this: if she was willing to lie to me and sneak around, and she did it for the express and sole purpose of sex with another man, then she must have preferred the other man sexually, and stayed with the BH only because of his characteristics as a reliable provider and steady parent figure.

There is an emotional corollary to this, which is also hurtful to the BH. Marriage is supposed to involve complete intimate knowledge of one another. When a WW secretly has a sexual relationship with another man -- in most cases, the other man knows that the WW is married/committed and often during pillow talk he learns a great deal about the intimate details of the marriage -- she creates a secret, private sphere of intimacy in her life that she carves out of the marriage. It becomes a hole in the "intimacy continuum" of the marriage, a piece of the WW's intimate life that she has allowed another man to own, in lieu of her BH.

These reasons underscore one of the basic messages from several of the posters on this thread: the most important thing you can do is to be 100% transparently, nakedly honest with your BH about every detail of this A that he asks you about. This includes details that he will likely find painful at a personal level. Do not attempt to minimize! The damage is done by now. You are trying to repair it. The starting point is by restoring the intimacy continuum, which you do by showing him that you respect him enough as a man to be frankly honest with him about everything, as if he was present the whole time watching what you were doing, so that he has the complete picture upon which he can then base his own decisions.

As to the "it was just sex" point above, there are many WW's on SI who have posted at length explaining that, from a woman's perspective, and A involving "just sex" does not mean any of the things I describe. I respect their sincerity and understand, at an intellectual level, what they are saying. At the same time, I know what men feel about this at a visceral level, or, more accurately, a foot or so south of the viscera.

It makes the BH feel negated as a sexual man, as if he was the sexual Plan B. Many BH's, faced with that circumstance, experience difficulty functioning sexually. They question their abilities as a sexual man. To a man's view, the only reason a committed woman would sneak for sex is because the AP gave her better sex.

I'm not saying that your BH feels this. I'm just telling you that this is very common among betrayed men, and therefore you ought to be mindful that it may be something he feels. If he does, this is something that is difficult to overcome.

Also, it makes a difference where the discovery is years after the actual A. If the sex in your marriage was very good in the years prior to disclosure, this will buffer the impact of the disclosure. If it was tepid, and you step up your sex game now, in the wake of disclosure, he may see it as patronizing and insincere, which could have the effect of exacerbating the issue. But if you don't, he could see this as confirmation that you don't enjoy sex with him. This area is fraught with peril from your perspective. You must tread the knife's edge.

In my observation, a man's sexual ego is way more fragile than many women realize. And in particular, a woman who is generally considered beautiful often has no clue about how profoundly this can affect a man.

Editing later to echo Zug's post below:

Please also resist using the word "mistake" when discussing either the A or the decision to conceal it. This was not a "mistake". A mistake is something like adding a tablespoon of baking soda when you meant to add a teaspoon. To engage in infidelity -- especially repeated infidelity that is intentionally concealed from a spouse for an extended period -- the wayward spouse must make many individual decisions, probably hundreds of decisions in your case. Flirt with another man in a way that is outside the scope of your relationship. Flirt more. Choose to be in physical proximity. Alone. Choose to allow physical contact. Choose to kiss. Choose to allow him to enter you. Etc. Choose to lie to your husband about it. Choose to lie again.

Consider the first time you decided to have sex with the AP. Why did you make that decision? Then think of your decision train for the period of, say, 24 hours surrounding that event. You decided to leave the home without your BH. I reckon when you made that decision, you had at least a hunch you would have sex with another man. What did you decide to tell your BH at that point, and why? What sex acts did you decided to do with the AP, and why? When did you decide to return home. Why that time? What did you do when you returned home, and why? Was your BH there? Did you immediately kiss him? Shower? Other? The point of understanding whys is first understanding the myriad decisions that went into taking the actions that constituted the A, and figuring why you made each of those discreet decisions, in each of those particular moments.

Each of us is the sum of his choices. I've been married for 23 years. I've had moments of temptation, like many married people. Often these have occurred after too much to drink, while away on the road for work, in circumstances that might make it easy to push my wife out of my mind. Some how, when I've found myself there, at the point of making the next decision that might start me down the slippery slope, I've been conscious of my promise to my wife and I've made the other decision, the decision to return to my hotel room alone.

The path to healing is to own each of the discreet decisions you made, without minimizing. Figure out what led you to make those choices and fix that so you are safe and won't make them again (it's possible you have already done this). And then figure out how to make your BH know your desire and love for him is true.

[This message edited by Butforthegrace at 8:29 AM, November 19th (Monday)]

It might help him to trust you if you trust yourself. Be open, honest, and vulnerable. Stop sugar coating stuff.

work that I didn’t really know how to do back then.

Are you being honest with yourself? Is it really that you didn't know or is it more like you didn't want to do the work? I have noticed with many people that have "infatuation" love that they feel if it requires work then it must not be true love. It should just still be there and come easily and naturally. It also sounds like you thrived on that early infatuation high. Where you were the center of attention and the other clearly made you feel wanted thus validating your self esteem and self confidence. So, if it isn't easy then you don't want to do the work because it just isn't true luv. Just saying. To me that is how you come across.

It also helps if you ask your spouses opinion about you and your problems/issues/and insights of your character and really listen. As opposed to forming a defense to what they say. It is amazing how much of the reality and truth they already know but are waiting for you to acknowledge and admit to.

Sounds to me you are in a good place. You sound as if you want to really do the work for you and not just for the marriage and relationship. Which really is a must for real change no matter if it appears selfish. You aren't happy with yourself and that is very important.

As far a proving that you have changed. It may not matter. It really depends upon your BS opinion of what change is. If he values honesty above anything, then nothing really matters that you might have done because the foundation was always shitty to begin with. That is a problem with being wayward. We look at it from our opinion and our pov but it really matters on their POV. What we think is best. When it really should be what they would want and think is best in line with their moral and ethical values. If your BS is someone that values honesty and a right to make informed decisions about their life then that is the only reality. You didn't do that and therefor you never changed from the person you were the day you cheated or didn't share you were jaded about what marriage really was.

Agree with Butforthegrace. In order for me to face myself I never had to use the words; flawed, just, mistake, I am only human. I had to be honest. I wasn't flawed. I was cruel. I chose to do mean hurtful things. It wasn't just. It was many million little actions with a consequence for each choice and action beyond my comprehension and understanding . Not one big affair or mistake but a choice each time with its own things to unwrap and deal with and look at for every single text, comment, look, and so on. I am only human. Nope. I had an option to be better than just the bare minimum. Protecting myself by being nice to myself only let me sit in the shit longer. I had to brutally honest and I had to remember that it didn't define who I could become.

Good on you for seeking some assistance here and being open to feedback. My feedback is coming as a BS. Take it for what it is.

The first thing that jumped out to me in reading your post is the use of the word/letter "I". I don't think I have read a post before that even close to the the number of "I" in your post.

As a BS myself and someone who has been through this, there is a very obvious theme related to the use of "I". This thread is totally lop-sided in terms of being about you rather than your spouse. Go back and read your thread. Notice how many times you are talking about your feelings rather than his. I would say that if a BS like myself can pick up on this it's probably very clear to your WH as well. This is not how R works.

I've just pulled out one of the more subtle comments. This is clearly about you. Good on you for doing some reading, but what matters here is what is helpful to your BH, not you.

I’m currently reading Getting Past the Affair and will continue to share things I’ve found helpful with my BS

The other obvious theme in your thread, is how you've controlled the situation through your withholding information. You deciding when you were going to tell him something. As I BS I can tell you that doing this is just as bad as the A itself and basically resets R back to square one including whatever shred of trust might have been restored. Each and every time this happened, whatever chance there was for R became an exponentially higher mountain to climb. At some point he'll just give up. This ultimately brought down my M.

Another comment that jumped out with me is the following. I couldn't agree more with this in regards to your H in that he has to show you the way. I am not surprised though. See my comment about about this thread being mostly about you and your feelings.

My BS is incredibly frustrated that he not only has to bear the pain of my betrayals but that he has had to help show me the way to heal him.

I fear there is no room for error on my part

By error, do you mean giving in to the temptation of men who show interest in you, or you forgot to pick up the dry cleaning ?

Also , you mention that your H wishes that you would cry over this too.

I can sympathize with him on that front ...the majority of the tears shed since I learned of my WH affair have come from me. In a year I have seen him cry once and it was for himself and a painful memory that his IC brought up.

That really pisses me off , so I see how your H feels

I admire your courage to post here. A key element of the usefulness of this site is people sharing their experiences.

Can you share what you discussed and/or learned in IC?