SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am six years post Dday and happily married to a remorseful wife. She had a three year long sporadic affair with a coworker. They work for the same huge company and when they traveled to the same locations they got drunk and had sex together. In total they had sex about thirty times over three years. Her AP was caught and his spouse contacted me to inform me of the affair. My wife was not especially regretful or remorseful at first but after getting sober in Alcoholics Anonymous and working the Twelve Steps she became remorseful about eighteen months after Dday.

Like most men I was devastated by their sexual acts and the sexual comparisons. I wanted to know everything about their sexual exploits. I especially wanted to know if she enjoyed sex with him more than me. I asked her every question you could ever imagine trying to decipher if she enjoyed sex with him more than me. It was killing me. It was the main stumbling block in our recovery and reconciliation. I could not make any progress with our marriage until I knew for a fact that she did not enjoy having sex with him more than me. Of course this is impossible to know because she could be lying or minimizing even if she was remorseful and sober.

I just want to say that six years after Dday this seems like a minor point of recovery and reconciliation.

My wife is remorseful concerning her affair and she is an awesome wife on a daily basis.

I know for a fact that she looks back at the sex she had with her AP with horror. She was a married woman fucking a married man drunk in hotel rooms while destroying her husband, her family, her APs wife and their family. Both families had young children.

My main point is this: remorse will completely change the wayward's perspective of the sex with their AP after they become remorseful because it will be seen in the light of truth. This truth combined with years of remorse and making amends for their terrible behavior can make for an awesome marriage.

[This message edited by CreateAccount197 at 2:41 PM, September 29th (Sunday)]

I just want to say that six years after Dday this seems like a minor point of recovery and reconciliation.

My wife is remorseful concerning her affair and she is an awesome wife on a daily basis.

I know for a fact that she looks back at the sex she had with her AP with horror. She was a married woman fucking a married man drunk in hotel rooms while destroying her husband, her family, her APs wife and their family. Both families had young children.

My main point is this: remorse will completely change the wayward's perspective of the sex with their AP after they become remorseful because it will be seen in the light of truth. This truth combined with years of remorse and making amends for their terrible behavior can make for an awesome marriage.

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, and YES!!!! So 100% true!!! If the WS does the proper work, this is exactly how it can be.

Were you a lurker who joined just to post this? That is awesome! Your viewpoint and truth are much needed. Thank you!

OwningItNow

Yes, I have been a reader ( lurker ) for years and I joined yesterday just to post this. There were a couple of posts recently that discussed and triggered betrayed spouses about the quality of affair sex versus married sex so I wanted to give the perspective of a betrayed spouse who has been through the hell of the sexual details and comparisons.

I wish I was a better writer so I could explain the hell I went through with the sexual details and comparisons but I don't have the writing skills or the time to write that book. It was an utter nightmare that lasted about three years after Dday until I started to believe that my wife did not have better sex with her AP than me. This change of belief was due to her tangible lasting remorse, reading how remorse actually changes the way the wayward sees the affair including the sex, her willingness to address my address my obsession with her sex life with her AP and answer every question I had then take logical steps to diminish my fears and willingness to make amends for her affair to the best of her ability which meant being the best wife possible.

I also want to add that married sex after an affair can also be damn good. It can include an element of spiritual love that did not exist prior to the affair because true reconciliation is a spiritual affair at the deepest level because forgiveness is the deepest kind of love that exists and the combination of remorse and forgiveness can create amazing sex.

It can include an element of spiritual love that did not exist prior to the affair

I firmly believe this, as well. I continue to struggle with both my H and myself, but that is due to marital issues inherent in our personalities. But the cheating, growth, recovery, and shared pride in rebuilding from the rubble give us a glimpse of the spiritual love you speak of. It is a level of love that cannot be achieved without being tested in the worst way. There is no greater bond imo than one that has been completely dismantled and then painstakingly put back together tiny piece by tiny piece. I have immense pride in who we are as people at this point in our lives.

Thanks for posting. It was a real feel good for me today.

Of course this is impossible to know because she could be lying or minimizing even if she was remorseful and sober.

This is why i refuse to ask WH to compare sex with the OW and me. I feel it would do me no good and really, even if he says I am better, would believe him? Is he just saying it not to hurt me?

To me, the more important thing to focus on is that he has chosen to be with me and work on rebuilding our marriage.

So happy to hear of your awesome marriage!

This is why i refuse to ask WH to compare sex with the OW and me.

Do BPs actually ask this? That never even occurred to me.

CA197: I would quote in my post the part I agree with, from your original quote, but I would re-post everything you said, including the follow-up. What you said so well verbalized my goal for my WW that I am copying it into an email for my counselor!

I so badly want my WW to reach the point where she looks back at her 29+ years of cheating with disdain and embarrassment, and sees it for what it really was. I think she harbors those memories as cherished and warm. Like you, at that point I can feel comfortable she truly regrets what she did to all those around her and I can feel confident she genuinely wants to be with me, just me. And that she wants to be with just me out of desire for our relationship and true love for me. I have thought for a while, now, that this is something I need to see out of my WW for me to stay in this relationship.

Thank you for what you wrote!

cocoplus5nuts

I asked my wayward wife every sexual detail question you could possibly imagine. I also asked how sex with her affair partner compared to sex with me in every possible way you could imagine. The comparisons killed me after Dday.

I decided within the first few weeks after Dday I could not stay married to a woman if there was any possibility she had better sex with her affair partner than me. The only reason I did not divorce immediately was that we had three children and my plan was to stay until they all finished high school. I told her my plan and established an in the house 180. She spent the next three years trying to win me back by becoming remorseful, getting sober in AA and making amends for her affair by becoming the best wife possible. She wore down my wall of 180. She earned my forgiveness by any measure and is now an amazing wife who I adore.

Such an inspiring message, CA- It’s always encouraging to hear tales from those who hung in despite what seemed overwhelming odds.

I think your point highlights what a lot have been saying this weekend on just this topic: The lens of remorse shines a sobering light on what cheaters felt they were feeding in using so many in pursuit of what is broken in us.

A very true and enlightening post. I really do believe from personal experience and what I've learned from WH this is entirely what happens. Reflection and growth changes entirely how you view something

CA,

Did you

Polygraph

Get a timeline

Go to HR?

I asked for the details, too. I didn't ask for a comparison. Idk why that didn't occur to me. I guess because I never thought the sex between was special. 🤷‍♀️

My main point is this: remorse will completely change the wayward's perspective of the sex with their AP after they become remorseful because it will be seen in the light of truth. This truth combined with years of remorse and making amends for their terrible behavior can make for an awesome marriage.

I know the post you are talking about. I responded to that person with a very similar comment. It was taken as I was bashing her or something.

I read it in horror, not only from the perspective that you are talking about - knowing that once remorseful you will never view it the same - but also knowing what that was going to do to many of the BS here - especially those early on and struggling already.

Sometimes, a WS comes here before they are really ready to be helped. They say things that are tremendously outrageous, and those who stay you see their thoughts about things evolve.

Anyway, as a WW, I just want to confirm for you if there is even a sliver of a doubt that remorse and working on yourself can change the picture.

When I got here I would not have ever said the sex was better. Not out of fear of telling the truth, but because it genuinely wasn't. Still there is the whole overall excitement of the affair that can contribute to a lot of different "high" feelings, and I would never say that wasn't the case either. What I would say today is that I can't look at any of it without feeling sick to my stomach, and disgusted with myself. There is no fond memory, nothing but wishing it never happened. But, what I learned is the same thing you learned - it doesn't really matter in the scheme of things whether it was good, not good - it should never have happened at all and that has to at some point become the focus of the WS.

I only wanted to echo this because I feel that post is very triggering, it even was to me. I had to delete what I originally was going to say because I want for her to be here and learn. Still, I guess I sounded too tough.

I can see a WW having the best sex in her life with

her OM.

I can see a FWW recovering her marriage and deeply

regret all the damage her affair caused.

I can see a FWW regretting having that sex with

her OM. Though I cannot see a FWW now saying that

the sex with the OM was not the best she ever had.

I can see a FWW saying that the greatest sex she ever

had with the OM was not worth it.

The price of getting caught made the affair sex

not worth what she paid for. Though it did not

change how good it was during the affair.

I agree with all you just said, OldTruck, except:

Though I cannot see a FWW now saying that

the sex with the OM was not the best she ever had.

I think that's a misconception. I had sex with the OM a total of 3 times over a two day period. It was enjoyable at the time.

For many woman, the best sex she will ever have is with someone who knows her body well. Who has had a lot of practice with her. Also, she knows what he wants because she's had the same practice with him. Also, I think sometimes down deep we know the AP doesn't really love us, and honestly when you are loved and deeply comfortable it can make for some very uninhibited sessions.

The best sex I have ever had? My husband. Followed by maybe my first husband. I say that probably because they were both the longest term sexual relationships. I never had a ONS in the past that I thought was mind blowing, usually it was a lot of build up to a great big let down.

I went into all that because I think there are a variety of ways it can be and for each person what makes great sex can vary greatly. If I look at AP objectively and not with all the bad feelings associated, knowing what I thought at the time...I thought it was alright, that it could get better in time. But, it just wasn't the best sex of my life by any means.

But I agree with most anything else you had to say. Besides, it could have been the worst sex ever...it still should never have happened. The rest seems a little more moot to me.

[This message edited by hikingout at 12:05 PM, September 30th (Monday)]

survrus

I did not ask for a polygraph or go to HR because I never tried to save our marriage. I knew I could never stay married to a woman if there was any possibility she had better sex with her AP than me and since there is no way to rule that out with a liar I was divorcing her.

After a few weeks of grilling her for details of her affair I implemented a hard 180 which did not really start thawing until she had a year of sobriety in Alcoholics Anonymous and started making amends for her affair and being a terrible drunken wife for several years before Dday.

I never had a ONS in the past that I thought was mind blowing, usually it was a lot of build up to a great big let down.

I suspect this statement is really at the heart of the issue with this entire line of discussion and particularly with BH's.

I'll speak for myself only, but will say, I've heard this commonly from other men, ONS sex was always really hot for me. Best ever? No, not every time. But bad? Never. A letdown? Nope, I can't even say I have a single "letdown" experience. It was always fireworks (for me). And that's without the added "excitement" of an affair to help things along.

So, projecting that on my WW, while reasonable, I suspect is inaccurate. I see women, all the time, saying ONS sex isn't "that great" all the way to "usually sucks". I get that, and I think this is where biology comes into play, men who, in the past, sought out lots of ONS's, well, passed on their genes better, and, as such, now you have a reward mechanism that says, for me, something like "sex with someone you've already slept with or sleep with often is good, but sex with someone new is even gooder" (my reward mechanism doesn't know English very well).

When my WW first told me the story of her A sex, I was incredulous the entire time. How the f**k could it not be, if not "best ever" real darn close to it? I've come to believe, she may have actually been telling the truth. The OM, of course, gave me a different description; just biologically, I know it was "real darn good" for him (premature ejactuation). So, this one for me comes down to different lenses where we're looking at things. I have little/no doubt that affair sex would be mind bending for me personally, and, for a long time, I struggled to see how it could be anything but for my WW. I now suspect it wasn't anything like it would have been for me (or was for the OM).

I also want to add that married sex after an affair can also be damn good. It can include an element of spiritual love that did not exist prior to the affair because true reconciliation is a spiritual affair at the deepest level because forgiveness is the deepest kind of love that exists and the combination of remorse and forgiveness can create amazing sex.

Agreed on all counts CA.

Getting to the other side of the pain and grief, some relationships end up stronger than whatever it was pre or post infidelity. I wouldn't wish an A on anyone ever, but it can be survived and then some.

When my WW first told me the story of her A sex, I was incredulous the entire time. How the f**k could it not be, if not "best ever" real darn close to it? I've come to believe, she may have actually been telling the truth. The OM, of course, gave me a different description; just biologically, I know it was "real darn good" for him (premature ejactuation). So, this one for me comes down to different lenses where we're looking at things. I have little/no doubt that affair sex would be mind bending for me personally, and, for a long time, I struggled to see how it could be anything but for my WW. I now suspect it wasn't anything like it would have been for me (or was for the OM).

You have finally shocked me on something RIO. But, I truly expect you are right. Especially in light of premature ejaculation.

While there are affairs that I bet it was the case - on either side of the gender line - that the sex was amazing. I bet there are even more where it was not the best ever. Good sex rarely is wham bam thank you ma'am type variety.

[This message edited by hikingout at 12:08 PM, September 30th (Monday)]