SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I think it depends on the situation and in maturity levels and levels of personal empowerment on the younger person’s side of things. Creepiness levels also depend on whether the older person is ONLY interested in dating younger people so as to fetishize them or view them as an object to trade up to. And the creepiness is added to if they shun their own age or worse, leave a wife who loved and supported them through grad school and as they rose through the ranks only to be tossed over at mid life or older.

From my side of things - I dated a few much older guys when I was in my twenties - I was looking for someone who had the “answers.” They didn’t, haha. I think I also had daddy issues I needed to work out and didn’t realize it - and no, dating Them did not help me work it out. I was also very (VERY) insecure despite being objectively/conventionally beautiful. I didn’t think I could “get” a “quality” guy my own age, such was my self esteem. So, with that I think I subconsciously was seeking a man who would especially see me as a “prize” in that way so as to boost my sad little ego...and I would boost his as well. I didn’t think that but I think that dynamic was there. And it was all on t he whole NOT very positive for me. One was actually creepy in retrospect as he saw me as a status symbol. I was a pretty object to him. Another one I turned down after realizing he had kids who were in age bands that could be “my peers” and that was just flat out - no. Not going to be a stepmom to a peer. I find that creepy as well as having him trying to get with people his kids age

The other guy was only about 11 years older so not as big of a gap...I found that manageable and he seemed legitimately into me for more than just a “pretty young thing”. I was attracted to him and felt he wasn’t objectifying me. However, it was weird hanging out w his friends and family and having so little in common. When I finally settled down I went with someone my age/couple years younger. It was a relief to have shared similar experiences.

I couldn’t date at hugely different age gaps now if I were starting over. I also see twenty some things as babies personally. I am not super attracted to guys that age now that I am in my mid thirties, even though I get attention from men of all ages. I find them handsome sure but I wouldn’t want to deal with all of the rest.

ETA - I think younger women who are only into older men for their resources are also gross and predatory, flip side of coin as the men who are only after younger tail and shun their own age entirely. I think there are legit wholesome love stories of differing ages too. But I admit I am skeptical of huge gaps until I know them better. I know of one where the guy is thirty years older and at first I would think “hell no” but they are both experts in their field and it is an intellectual connection as well as all the rest. On the other side, I really thought this one woman I knew was truly in love with her 30 years older husband. I later learned she had poached him from his first wife....didn’t care for that at all but still bought the show she put on about loving him. When that guy hit 80 she ditched him and went with a guy her own age. He didn’t make nearly as much money but by that point she divorced the other guy and walked away with half his extensive resources. He is in poor health and turning no heads. She is a predatory person I have decided, but I am not sure how self aware she is of her own predatory nature - after all she had me convinced for a while there. She even works in a do gooder profession and would seem very compassionate about others...but she wasn’t wrt the exH’s first wife or of him in his old age.

[This message edited by Justsomelady at 3:56 PM, February 2nd (Sunday)]

2 years ago was my husband's 50-year high school reunion which meant a bunch of 67-68-year-olds. He asked one of his old high school friends if he was going and he said no, because he didn't think there would be any women there he would find desireable enough to have sex with! (he used a much cruder word than 'sex'!) I am so glad he didn't go because I would have had some choice things to say to him! Ugh!

When my dad was single in his 50s and 60s he usually dated women in their 40s. He said that older women were grumpier and complained a lot. The younger women were more active and wanted to go out and do things, while the older ones were too tired or their hips hurt or whatever. I don't know, that's just what he told me.

am more thinking of the larger age gap. Like you are 50 and still drooling over that 25 year old woman scenario.

In this case, it has a lot to do with biology, fertility, as RIO said. Men can reproduce for a much longer time than women. Once a woman is in her 50s, she usually can't reproduce anymore. Men aren't always aware of this urge. They may even say they don't want (anymore) children. It's still in there, lying underneath the surface.

My dad is 80. He likes younger women. He is well beyond wanting anymore kids. When he says younger, I think he means 50s or so. I'm not really sure. I've never asked. He has not mentioned being attracted to women under 50. In that situation, I don't know. I think if I were 80 and single, I would much rather have a young, spry male companion than some other 80yo decrepit who can barely get put of a chair.

But, yeah, I'm almost 50. I have a 28yo son. I can't imagine being attracted to someone his age or younger. Just, ew!

My WH’s AP is in her late 20s, about 12 years younger than he is. Yes, there was an element of recapturing the freedom of when he was younger, but I think the biggest draw was that she really didn’t have her act together, but was young enough for that to not be completely off-putting. He’s always has a bit of imposter syndrome, feeling like he didn’t entirely fit in with our group of mostly highly educated, very successful, very “adult-y” friends. And along cane someone who made him feel great, because HE was the responsible adult, and the one giving career and financial advice, etc.

I think some of yall's dad have hit on me. Haha!

I think it is a great point to look at the motivation. If he is a guy that shuns his own age then they are creepy to me if they only target younger women. Some of these guys only want younger women so maybe that is the difference.

He’s always has a bit of imposter syndrome, feeling like he didn’t entirely fit in with our group of mostly highly educated, very successful, very “adult-y” friends.

So young women are easier to impress? Easier to feel successful around?

I was trying to think of a younger woman ending up with a less successful older man. I couldn't come up with a single example. It pretty much stands to reason that there are a lot of younger women you can easily impress when you are older, but it's much harder to impress someone near your own age.

Be honest men. Is this really just the way it goes?

I suspect your answers would vary here on SI based on whether the man was unfaithful or betrayed. As a BH, I would say that my criteria has changed dramatically. What I really want is faithful, regardless of age/hair color/body type/race/religion/etc. The problem with this is that there is no test to prove that they would be faithful, otherwise this site would be drastically smaller...

There is no one size fits all answer, just like there is no one solution for everyone coming out of infidelity. If my wife and I were to go our separate ways, I think I would much rather just escape to the coast and fish for the rest of my days rather than try to 'find someone else'. For reference, I have a daughter that is 26 and middle son is 23. If I did try to find someone, I would not spend time on someone with little to no life experience.

I have no idea on the motivation (and my exWH was 10 years older than me and his AP was 5 years older than me). But when I see the men on OLD who are claiming to 39 when they are clearly in their 50s I crack up. It’s one thing to be attracted to younger people, but to lie to get yourself in their age range is just silly. But maybe it works....

whether the older person is ONLY interested in dating younger people so as to fetishize them or view them as an object to trade up to. And the creepiness is added to if they shun their own age or worse, leave a wife who loved and supported them through grad school and as they rose through the ranks only to be tossed over at mid life or older.

Justsomelady yes, yes and yes. In this case they treat the wife as an object too and the younger woman better which is pathetic and disloyal of course.

I suspect it makes the old farts feel youthful and boosts their lagging vitality.

I don't get why this is so offensive thatbpguy, I don't think the poster meant it that seriously and women are often referred to as much worse, and I'm not a feminist but the disdain some, I think a minority of men, have for women simply for aging is disgusting.

Also, women don't 'pretend' to be younger, they have beauty regimes that result in staying youthful, but that's not the same as pretending. If anything they're just trying to look the same as they currently do for as long as possible. It's like if a man works out it doesn't mean he's pretendig to be younger, it means he wanfs to be healthy and have a good body. Some women do want to look younger and it's largely because of these men that look down in women for having stayed alive and aging aging every other human before us. That's not an easy thing to deal with so I don't think anyone should be looking down on these women because of it, and these men don't find an older woman's confidence attractive whether she pretends to be young or not, they ridicule it and crush it.

I disagree with the idea that it's 'just' a preference 'just' like how some people are 'just' attracted to older or younger people. Men overwhelmingly find younger women more attractive.

I also don't think it's because they're easier to manipulate because as I said above, some men treat younger women better than they would treat older women or have treated their wives. I guess because they're grateful or really want to keep the younger women. A shame they wouldn't want to reward the loyalty of their wives (assuming their wives were faithful)

This is clearly wrong and disgusting. I myself believe that husbands should 'rejoice in the wives of their youth'and those who fetishise younger women and women who think they're so amazing or better, simply because they're young, need to stop. Because they are going to get older and see what it feels like, if they're lucky and don't die first.

Any decent younger women wouldn't want a man who treats older women this way because they know that. Being young cannot be a positive personality trait forever so I suggest if they do view it as one like these sleazy men do, that they find others.

I always asked myself the same question as OP and realised recently that it's not something in particular or even necessarily their personalities. It's simply because they think the younger woman's youth is part of her attractiveness. Older women these men can see and acknowledge that they're attractive-they wouldn't really dispute that. It's just that these older men see youth itself as attractive, why? I dunno, I think they just do. (Sorry for an incomplete answer). Biology or evolution or whatever.

It's odd because I don't think younger men think this way. So really I think it's not that they compare and find younger women more attractive relative to older women, it's more that they find these younger women more attractive relative to themselves

Nonetheless whatever the reason, it IS creepy when that younger woman is younger enough to be your child. It's obvious why. Doesn't matter how natural it is to be attracted to her, and while she may be an adult, if she's 18 she basically thinks and behaves like a child.

If we're going to use that argument then you may as well condone being attracted to 13 years olds where the consent age is that young in some countries. It's just wrong. It's especially wrong when men leave their wives for this weird lust for women REALLY younger. They will never find fulfillment the way they would with their wives. And men need to remember they're not Leonardo DiCaprio-he's an exception even among other celebrities. Mostly I see more attractive older women with less attractive older husbands, so men need to be grateful for their wives and remember

They age too and they don't just have their pick. An older woman will likely have more to offer, it's your loss if you refuse to see the beauty there and use an excuse for why or use that as a licence to portray other women as less than simply because they were born before these women young enough to be your daughters.

I don't get why this is so offensive thatbpguy...

Personally, I am not offended. But were I to give the male to female answer in return it would cause a shitstorm.

It's all good, youngin'.

My H’s last AP was 20 years younger. She saw him as kind and nice and he had $. Nice car. Big house (she probably thought she was going to get to live in ). Fabulous trips. Etc.

He was definitely having a midlife crisis affair. He thought he was “too cool” b/c a much younger woman wanted him. Like he as all that.

ROFLMAO.

By the time I would have divorced him there would be no $ left after alimony and child support, college tuition etc.

She would never be accepted by his “friends” b/c the wives of our friends wound never accept her. They were delusional in thinking that wound occur. Even my H admits that now.

I personally think in many much older/younger marriages or relationships it’s about money and looks. Who has the $ and who has the looks - especially second marriages IMO

I mean, realistically speaking, all younger people are more attractive than older ones. Who could objectively disagree? No one, right? I think young guys are very attractive. But not for me. Because I am middle-aged.

The question is why do men pursue and actually feel they would be desirable to younger women, actually want to partner with them? There is no possible way that a younger woman is thinking, objectively speaking, that his saggy skin, wrinkles, and bald head look as attractive as younger men who are their own age. And yet, men pursue this fantasy over and over again, seeming to believe that young women will be/can be/might be into them. (Sans wallet, it just doesn't happen.)

Status? Selfishness (as in "Who cares what she really thinks of me")? Hormones? Idk.

I think younger men are very attractive, and many of them still hit on me, especially at the gym. But I am not foolish enough to think that they seriously and objectively want someone old like me when presented with other options. And I'm married, of course. But even if I weren't, nope. I am not foolish enough to think that I hold anything of value to a young person. And I don't like the idea of being used for my money.

I really don't get it.

I go back to that study I referenced, the one where guys always asked out the most attractive woman regardless of their own looks. It seems that men have a blind spot when it comes to their own attractiveness. At least, that's what the study implied.

Maybe it's biology. But I do know guys who don't go for the young, who prefer women their own age. So idk.

The question is why do men pursue and actually feel they would be desirable to younger women, actually want to partner with them? There is no possible way that a younger woman is thinking, objectively speaking, that his saggy skin, wrinkles, and bald head look as attractive as younger men who are their own age. And yet, men pursue this fantasy over and over again, seeming to believe that young women will be/can be/might be into them.

Well the answer is actually pretty simple here, OIN. Men can think that way because women respond to it. If women didn't seek out older men, this wouldn't be a thing. You and all others in this thread can be offended or disgusted or creeped out all you like, but unless you convince all women to keep from pursuing older men, this won't stop. And ultimately, what does it matter to any of you?

Why do women like younger men?

They want to feel sexy/attractive, powerful, wanted by a younger person, like they've still got it. It goes for both genders. There are plenty of women who like a younger man. Hell, there are women who are dating or screwing men who are young enough to be their son. Why is that ok but not ok for a man to do the same?

Personally, I think it's weird to date someone that is or could be the age of your child, but to each his own. If both people, no matter the age, are into it, then so be it.

Also, women don't 'pretend' to be younger, they have beauty regimes that result in staying youthful, but that's not the same as pretending.

There absolutely are women who pretend to be younger. Yes, there are women who follow a beauty regime to keep their skin looking younger than their actual age, but there are also women who purposefully wear clothes or makeup that make them appear to be younger. That is pretending.

Generalization. My preference is +-5 relative to me. My Ex was a few months older my recent exGF was 3 years older. Attractive woman are attractive mostly independent of age, but I don't want a relationship with someone who could be my daughter. If they are showing interest and are too young I enjoy the ego boost, but I'm thinking what's wrong with them?

I find a lot of what is sold to men disturbing...

The hot for teacher thing... illegal

White socks with lace around the edge... pedophile

Etc...

It highly disturbs me that men can excuse looking at young women as young as 18 in a sexual way.

The attractiveness of your partner does not determine your status.

Maybe it SHOULDN'T determine your status, but, in a lot of ways, especially in very high net worth circles, it does. Go stroll around a very high end hotel for awhile any evening, take a look at the couples. You'll see, pretty quickly, that status (wealth) and attractiveness of the female partner are very much directly related. Or, put another way, very attractive women are much more likely to be dating very wealthy men.

Is this wrong? IDK. I suppose you could say both are shallow and should be dating for other reasons. But who am I to judge them? If they're happy, so be it. She sleeps with someone much older and has more money than some 3rd world nations, he's sleeping with someone who's model good looking at 25 years younger than him. No harm, no foul, right? As long as they are both happy with the "trade" they are making, so be it.

Relating this to infidelity, this reminds me of the standard "words for sex" trade that's so common in affairs. One partner tells the other whatever they want to hear, the other provides sex. Pretty standard trade, but, I'd say the woman marrying for money is making a MUCH better decision than the AP giving it up for saccharine words.

It highly disturbs me that men can excuse looking at young women as young as 18 in a sexual way.

It highly disturbs me that women can look at a guy and be repulsed by him, find out he's rich as hell, and suddenly decide he's the 2nd coming. Neither sex has a "lock" on mercenary sexual decision making. Women sleep their way to the top, sleep with men for money (either directly or through marrying a man much older) and do all kinds of other awful things too you know.

The question is why do men pursue and actually feel they would be desirable to younger women, actually want to partner with them?

Because status/power/money are attractive traits to lots of women. It's no mystery here, it's just that the sexes select differently. We can "not like it" all we want, but, I really don't feel its up to me to tell someone else what to choose for in a partner. Only want to date someone of your own religion, race, 10 years younger, 15 years older, rich, thin, fat? What the heck difference does it make to me? It's not my right to tell men to stop wanting young/thin women or to tell women to stop preferring rich/powerful men. Even if it were somehow my right, it wouldn't change anything, these are base level desires and, as discussed already in this thread, have much more to do with biology/reproduction than they do with men or women being pigs.

I could never get my mom goggles off to the extent of sexualizing young men my son's age. Are they aesthetically pleasing sometimes?, sure.. but not in a sexual way. So, this is not a dynamic I can understand. Neither is the self-delusion we so often see from oldsters who are basically PAYING the young to interact romantically with them. It's like some of these guys (and gals) don't have mirrors.. lol.

I do remember some years ago, sitting on the front porch having a cup of coffee with my divorced father. He was attempting to romance some woman out in Texas who was 30 years younger, and he was well into his 60's. I asked him why he wasn't dating women his own age and he looked me right in the face and said, "women over 50 aren't sexually attractive". Now, here I am, already in my 40's thinking, great.. life is over in just a few short years... lol. But what I wish I had done is point out his false teeth, balding pate, wrinkles, and paunch. Women, and more particularly.. daughters, are often too kind for that though. Maybe if I had, he might have taken it on board and reset his sights so he didn't end up dying single. Probably not, but at least I'd feel like I had spoken up.

I do know that when I was on the fence between R and D, I did spend some time in contemplation of the fact that I don't typically find men my age and older to be sexually attractive. For every Sam Elliot out there, there's bound to be a hundred thousand NOT Sam Elliots.. lol. My WH might be a geezer, but he's the geezer I know... and I can still close my eyes and see the young man I married, and even BE the young woman he married there in my memory.

[This message edited by ChamomileTea at 6:26 PM, February 2nd (Sunday)]

Hell, there are women who are dating or screwing men who are young enough to be their son.

I'm sorry, but this is not the normal thing that old men going for young women is. The data is immense. People who use OLD notice this all the time, and all studies back it up.