SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I wonder if anyone has noticed that the OP hasn’t been here since page 4 of this thread.

Imagine coming back to it hoping for advice and some compassion only to find 7 pages of bickering among members and tangents that don’t necessarily pertain to the OP’s situation.

Instead of arguing amongst yourselves, how about addressing the OP and his needs specifically? If you can’t do that, then maybe it’s time to move on to a different thread and member to support.

Holy God. I feel like I walked into a Firesign Theater segment. Everything you know is wrong.

So my friend, if you can pm, send me a note and I will tell you why I believe your wife. Cuz I lived it.

If you need help or understanding, reach out.

Cya

Well GP, to sum this all up, we don't know.

It is possible but we don't know her like you do. Why is whether she liked the sex so important to you? Is there more to this?

Sorry ... too quick with the mouse.

[This message edited by sisoon at 10:46 PM, November 12th (Thursday)]

You haven't run me off. I had a crazy day. I rehab houses and was running an excavator all day.

I'm overwhelmed with the responses and love every one of them. This is exactly what it looks like in my head! Bouncing back and forth all over the map trying to turn this over in my head, arguing with myself. Anyone remember the early 90's show Herman's Head? I imagine all of you exactly like that. Living in my head, arguing with each other.

To clarify some questions that have been posted:

Unfortunately there was no spouse or girlfriend to notify. I would have LOVED to have pissed in his pool but he was and still is an unmarried failed actor/comedian wannabe.

Which also pisses me off! You destroyed your marriage, killed your husband's mental health, put your kids lives at risk of being ruined and set yourself up for a lifetime of shame and zero trust and you did all of that for what? For horrible, traumatic 1 night stand sex with a loser? Fuck, I told her the other night that if I were to ever do what she had done, I would have at least done it with a really hot woman and would have enjoyed it!

Secondly, my fWW "came clean" to me in the parking lot of the hospital right as she was checking herself in to keep from killing herself. That does somewhat play in to my anger with her, that she wasn't "(wo)man enough" to sit me down and tell me. Instead I found out I was cheated on and then left to die on my own for 4 days. I got most of the details sitting in the visiting room of the psych ward during short visits and then had to decide whether to bring her home or have her go to her parents home and get more emotional abuse from her mother. It also plays in to the "poor damsel in distress" ploy. It sets me up to be the White Knight OR be heartless and send her to be abused further. I told her a few days ago that looking back, I should have kicked her out and divorced her. Then we could have dated and maybe started again in a new relationship. I bet you I'd be much more healed today if I had done that. Instead, I jumped on the grenade she so casually tossed in to the living room where the kids and I were watching TV to save my kids. Now I'm an emotional cripple and trying to function in life as if everything is "ok"...

And thank you to everyone that's voiced concern about my drinking. I too have concerns about being an alcoholic and if I can't get this under control myself I will definitely reach out for professional help. Today is day 5 without a drink.

Someone in a WW thread mentioned something that was profound to me last week. They said something out the passive aggressive comments that sneak out after infidelity as a pressure relief valve. I think this plays a lot in to me wrestling with this unbelievable answer from her. I think it's easier to think of your WS as an absolute fucking idiot. It's easier to believe that she is a fucking MORON than to think she did this knowing it would destroy me. So when she says it was horrible and traumatic, but yet she's the one that initiated the affair it plays in to that line of thought that I've married a clueless idiot.

I think "are you telling me that you made the contact, invited him up, showered, sat next to him only in a robe and THEN you were surprised that you ended up having SEX!?" Are you fucking stupid? Anyone that gets those signals and that is giving those signals KNOWS that sex is on the table.

I could accept that once it started she regretted it and starfished it to just get it over with. I could accept that the sex was disappointing and just so/so. I also could accept that at some point between the event in March and telling me in August that you became horrified by what you had done and were traumatized by your behavior. I would really even understand more if you were stoned or hammer drunk and didn't have all of your mental faculties. All of those answers make much more sense.

But to be be the one that initiated it ALL, then go to dinner after and THEN tell me it was traumatic and horrible from start to finish makes no sense and makes me realize I'm married to an fucking MORON...

So, we are going to start Marriage counseling once we can find on that's working my plan is to pursue this line of thought in a more sterile setting to find out exactly at what milli-second during the event that it became traumatic and horrible. I don't think I've ever asked it that way so thanks to whoever brought that question up.

You mentioned that there was a PAC 10 BB tournament going on and teams were staying at the hotel she was at.

You said you feared she "may have done something MUCH worse"?

Why do you think this?

he was and still is an unmarried failed actor/comedian wannabe.

Oh dear lord, I can only imagine the anger when you found out your wife did this with such a walking miserable cliche. Actually I know the anger bc my wife also did it with a walking cliche, a man who failed to launch from his parents and even tho married with kids he’s still living off his daddy’s largesse and doing a menial job for him.

Anyone remember the early 90's show Herman's Head?

I do! I had forgotten all about it until I watched Inside Out with my daughter a few weeks ago. I loved that show!

What an awful position your wife put you in after her confession. My ex did similar - he confessed but I swear it was so he could get emotional support from me because he was freaking out about STDs (he was blackout drunk and went in with his friend on calling up an escort service). My healing was put on the back burner while he indulged his panic attacks and I literally held his hand while he got blood drawn for HIV tests. I'm trying not to be insensitive to the mental health issues that caused your wife to check herself into the hospital, but Fuck, to drop a bomb like that on you and then leave you alone to process all that pain and shock and betrayal, while holding it together for your kids, is just incredibly cruel.

I have a friend I used to work with who I shared my marriage woes with. She told me once that she felt like the worst thing my ex did to me was abandon me with my feelings. He would inflict this pain and then leave me alone with it. I was so used to it that to hear it from an outside perspective stunned me into speechlessness. It's not normal to do this to your spouse.

I'm glad you returned and I'm glad all the tangents and turns didn't upset you (I'm certainly guilty). I'm reallt glad you guys are going to go to counseling to help process these lingering issues. Can I suggest a good IC for you, too? A place you can let loose without worrying about inflicting damage on the relationship. It may help.

Best of luck to you GP!!!

[This message edited by JanaGreen at 9:31 AM, November 13th (Friday)]

And thank you to everyone that's voiced concern about my drinking. I too have concerns about being an alcoholic and if I can't get this under control myself I will definitely reach out for professional help. Today is day 5 without a drink.

Also, congrats on this.

I read somewhere that people drink to try to numb the pain during hard times, but somehow alcohol acts to help cement those bad memories (im explaining this badly). So, it does the opposite of what we want it to.

Good on you for being proactive about it!

I think you should schedule a polygraph pre MC.

What do you hope to gain from MC?

From my perspective, the relevant points are:

-Yes it's possible your ww felt traumatized by this incident - whether because of guilt at cheating or foo or any number of reasons. Tho I will just point out here that trauma and fear responses run the gamut. For some, it's curling into the fetal position, for some it's dissociative thoughts/actions, for others it might be going to dinner after to just not mentally deal with wtf just happened.

-Despite any of this being possible, you have zero reason to believe a known cheater and liar.

-She planned and executed a premeditated and deliberate sexual encounter with a man who was not her husband. To my mind, whether or not she enjoyed it is completely secondary to that.

-Despite staying for the kids or trying to reconcile or her issues with her parents or how long ago this encounter was - YOU are under NO obligation to stay married to her now. If this was a dealbreaker for you, then it was and there is no shame or blame on you for choosing to D.

-I hope that you can get some IC to help you continue to process and heal, but I just want to tell you - it is okay if you aren't okay. Please don't stay in that headspace though because you deserve to be at peace and that is not a peaceful place to be.

But to be be the one that initiated it ALL, then go to dinner after and THEN tell me it was traumatic and horrible from start to finish makes no sense and makes me realize I'm married to an fucking MORON...

ALL affairs are moronic !! There are threads here constantly about the MORONIC things our WSs say and do before...during...and after their A's. NOTHING about an A makes sense...NOTHING.

You are looking at your wife's A through a different lens...a NORMAL lens...so it doesn't make sense at all. However...it IS plausible that what your wife is saying is true...through HER lens. Is it something YOU can live with? Only YOU can answer that.

Today is day 5 without a drink.

That's a good start.

I had some borderline moments myself. I just made two rules: I don't allow myself to drink solo -- has to be family, friends around or an occasion. And two, I never drink when I'm depressed.

That's my two step program, and have been on that for over 15-years now. Obviously, if these ideas don't fit, and you feel overwhelmed, that counseling stuff is a good idea.

Here's the thing about the MORON stuff.

My wife is many things, but she ain't dumb.

But as others have already said, in order for infidelity to happen, reason has to jump out the window. It will drive US crazy trying to put ourselves in that space where all normal, moral, rational thinking evaporates and is replaced with selfish, base, desire to be validated by someone other than their spouse.

Your wife can't simply dismiss it all, even if it went horribly.

She still has to figure out WHY she needed that attention. She has to repair her esteem and help you rebuild the relationship in order for you to have a chance to heal.

Until then, some marriage counseling with a person who specializes in trauma and infidelity (i.e., doesn't allow the WS to blame you or the marriage), could help.

[This message edited by Oldwounds at 10:16 AM, November 13th (Friday)]

Secondly, my fWW "came clean" to me in the parking lot of the hospital right as she was checking herself in to keep from killing herself. That does somewhat play in to my anger with her, that she wasn't "(wo)man enough" to sit me down and tell me. Instead I found out I was cheated on and then left to die on my own for 4 days. I got most of the details sitting in the visiting room of the psych ward during short visits and then had to decide whether to bring her home or have her go to her parents home and get more emotional abuse from her mother. It also plays in to the "poor damsel in distress" ploy. It sets me up to be the White Knight OR be heartless and send her to be abused further. I told her a few days ago that looking back, I should have kicked her out and divorced her. Then we could have dated and maybe started again in a new relationship. I bet you I'd be much more healed today if I had done that. Instead, I jumped on the grenade she so casually tossed in to the living room where the kids and I were watching TV to save my kids. Now I'm an emotional cripple and trying to function in life as if everything is "ok"...

Oh I am so sorry it happened that way. To find that out at a time when everything was all about her. I found out after my XWH had come back from rehab all shiny and new and he tried to make my reaction about risking his recovery and I lost it. It is extra damage for the one who was victimized to be expected to be the strong one for the poor victimizer. It's too much.

WalkingOnEggshelz, thank you so much for stating that. You beat me to the punch.

GP, I'm hoping we can keep the focus of this thread on your issues and helping you.

The viewing my wife as a moron is one of the reasons I could never reconcile with her.

ALL affairs are moronic !!

Boom goes the dynamite.

Sounds as if he was fine with the additional 7 pages, Walking.

I had some borderline moments myself. I just made two rules: I don't allow myself to drink solo -- has to be family, friends around or an occasion. And two, I never drink when I'm depressed.

GP, I drank more heavily after DDAY. I was not a heavy drinker at all before DDAY.

I was drinking in the evenings -- wine usually and sometimes bourbon, not to the point of being sloppy but certainly inebriated. I realized it was just depressing me, making me tired, preventing me from sleeping well, making me gain weight I didn't want, giving me higher BP, etc.

I have cut back heavily on any evening drinking -- I'm a gourmand and a good cook and I like drinking good wine with a good meal -- and only drink socially on occasion now.

Best thing you can do for yourself to get your head clear.

[This message edited by Thumos at 10:40 AM, November 13th (Friday)]