SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Why is the pain of infidelity so different from any other experience for the BS?

I usually come back to LS when there's a trigger - something that throws you into some element of that emotional torture chamber brought on by the discovery of your spouse's infidelity. The trigger for me this time happened while I was going back through photos for a video memorial for my dog who died two days ago. I started realizing that my ability to remember what pictures might be found on certain dates revolved around D-day and related events. Then, I came across a label for a group of pictures that I'd put on a group of pictures taken about a month after D-day. And there it was, making me groan with deep pain that I can feel on my skin, in my gut, my whole body really. And I knew that pain. It was in the forefront and background of every moment for the next year following D-day and to some extent for the next five years - deep, agonizing pain that brings you to your knees and stops thought. I didn't fall to my knees or need to lie down this time as I always did back then, but it was amazingly debilitating for a while and made me realize that this injury is like no other in life. No death or loss comes close.

So my real question is why? Why is this pain so much worse than any other? It is physically and mentally disabling. It is insupportable, and no one understands it but those who have been surprised by infidelity. WSs sometimes say it's retribution. Affair partners make fun of it. And many expect you to "move on," "get over it," and forgive. Saying any of those three tells me the person has never been cheated on. But I get that now. I totally get why they don't understand. I don't think I would either had it not happened to me. I don't really care any more and don't think they can get it.

But I want to understand better. Why is it like PTSD? I understand it reminds me that my spouse (in this order) flagrantly lied to you over time that he felt and expressed loyalty and affection to someone else instead. But is that all there is to it? It's just a destroyed ego? I totally get that I'm extra vulnerable because of the loss of my beloved pet of ten years, that I'm already opened up emotionally and so that trigger can go deeper, more quickly. Why is it so extreme?

I guess I should add that we have worked through a lot and come a long way. That's why I put this in Reconciliation and not Just Found Out. We've realized the reasons they were vulnerable at that time. He and I have worked on developing a better, more fulfilling relationship than the one we had before the affair. I don't need to understand all that. I want to understand why the hell betrayal is so awful in the first place. It seems to be universally the most horrific, devastating experience in life. I'm not unique. I was on another forum for years and read the same experience, different details, over and over.

[This message edited by merrmeade at 9:48 PM, Friday, December 17th]

It’s very difficult for most human beings to allow someone "in" and be vulnerable with them. To give trust, to assume they will always have our back.

It’s like PTSD because it IS as traumatic as it gets. It is trauma.

Betrayal makes us feel horribly un-safe — our fight or flight response is put into overdrive — for weeks and MONTHS.

We question ALL of our choices along the way, about what we missed, the clues we SHOULD have seen, we don’t even trust OURSELVES and our judgments for a LONG time.

That stays with us.

The added bonus is mourning the life we thought we had. We have to play back ALL the memories, because they were WRONG, our reality was literally NOT reality, until the betrayal information fills in the blanks.

As I’ve often thought, if I didn’t love my wife so much, it wouldn’t have hurt a bit. I would have been glad to have a reason to leave.

The more we love this person, the greater the pain.

I’ve lost all my grandparents, my dad, my step-dad, uncles and friends, lovable pups I still miss. I’ve been in a car wreck, watched some brutal stuff while in the USMC, and yet, this trauma is unique to ANYTHING else I’ve seen happen in life so far.

I think the fact our fight/flight part of the brain working overtime for a long time, and gives us reminders — is to be on alert. So we don’t get hurt like that again.

In year six, the alert mode is much more quiet, but it’s there.

My ego is good. Better than ever. But my brain, or as some members note, my LIZARD caveman brain keeps vigilant watch. I’m learning to embrace that level of protection, because I do know I’ll be okay, regardless of what happens next.

You should go and listen to the podcasts that are linked in the thread below. They explain it better than I've seen anywhere.

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/topics/617809/finally-therapists-that-get-what-a-bs-goes-through-/

The bottom line is that it's a traumatic experience. Your whole reality has been destroyed and you're trying to piece it back together. You feel adrift and unsure that you can trust anyone anymore. It's all real as surreal as it seems.

Thank you so much. Both these explanations are incredibly helpful. I'm going to listen to the podcasts right now.

You cannot prepare to be betrayed by the one person you love and trust the most.

As an example, I was cheated in by multiple boyfriends. I "got over it" by deciding to dump the jerk and move on. It hurt but I healed b/c I got away from the jerks.

I don’t know why the infidelity in my marriage was more devastating - but it was. Took me years and years to comprehend it. I don’t know if the infidelity caused as much trauma (to me) as finding out 10 days after Dday he was planning to D me.

It all just stinks!!!!

No death or loss comes close.

I remember that long after my DD I felt and thought that it would be much easier for me to endure the death of my WH than his betrayal. I think, mainly because death is much easier to explain: an accident, a heart attack, a disease... In a word - a twist of fate. In the case of infidelity, I had to face the fact that the person I loved decided to hurt me. It gave me a feeling of being irrelevant to him. I have invested the years of my life in marriage, love and trust. I thought that I had something permanent in life, my unique asylum, where I could feel safe and loved. With infidelity, this illusion disappeared in the blink of an eye. Everything I believed in was thrown into the garbage on purpose. That's why the pain is so great.

Naamah - Yes I feel exactly this

Infidelity betrayal is a confluence of other tragedies that makes this a special kind of trauma.

* Our safety and security is compromised - for many of it that safety and security we thought was for life
* Our family structure is at risk
* It is the death of a relationship as we knew it, but the person is still here not as a reminder of the joy we've had, but as a constant reminder of the deep pain they inflicted.
* It is the death of ourselves since idealism and trust will never be the same and we need to realign our own life perspective

Any of these on their own would be a significant trauma so all at the same time means we're on trauma with steroids.

For the longest time I had the reaction of a an assault victim - his touch would make my body twitch and recoil uncontrollably. That's some severe trauma.

While I love the person I am today, I would never, ever, ever want it to come from a trauma so completely debilitating. I really loved and admired my WS and after infidelity I learned to love and admire me. We all should. We made it through the toughest of traumas so pat yourself on the back merrmeade. Each day is a victory.

Why is this pain so much worse than any other?

This is a really good question...thanks for sharing your story.

I never understood why people would be in so much pain that the only option was to kill themselves...until I wanted to kill myself just to get rid of THIS pain . Triggers start coming from EVERYWHERE and our brains can't comprehend all of this damage that is caused by the CHOICE of someone who is supposed to care about us the most .

You are now grieving again...my deepest condolences on your loss (((HUGS))). Suddenly you come upon a trigger that causes your limbic system to start to work overtime. It is actually trying to protect you . It sure doesn't feel like it now though!

There was a point in our M when I had decided that D was the only route for me. I had fallen out of love with my H because of issues we had...and I told him I would be leaving. He decided it was best too...and started looking for someone to replace me. He found her online. He told me about her. I had absolutely NO issue with this because as far as I was concerned...we were already D except for the paperwork. Something happened though before they met in person...I call it Divine Intervention ...and we ended up trying again to make our M work. By the time Dday occurred this last time...I had fallen back in love with my H...and the devastation was felt throughout my whole body .

From these two experiences in our M...I identify very strongly with what Oldwounds said...when I didn't love my H so much...betrayal didn't hurt a bit. I knew what it felt like to be OUT of love with my H...so I also knew that I very much wanted to be back IN love with him in order for us to be in R. Getting there though...I wasn't sure HOW to do it. I found a way . It might not work for everyone...but it worked for US...and that is what counts!

You say y'all are doing well...CONGRATULATIONS on that !!! The trigger that brought all of this up still needs to be kicked to the curb...but the good news is...YOU CAN DO IT . This trigger didn't make you react like it did in the past...and that is PROGRESS . It is something from the PAST...NOT the present. However...our lizard brains keep track of EVERY experience we have...and your body reacted the way it was supposed to...so it could protect you. We CAN retrain our lizard brain...but it doesn't work by logic...ONLY by experience. THIS trigger experience WAS bad...but not AS bad as the initial experience. That is something you physically felt . Think about this the next time you have another trigger and you will see that they aren't as bad as before. That means that they can be dealt with. How long it takes before they aren't so debilitating...that I can't tell you. I can only guarantee you that when you FACE them...they shrink .

My D day was in october. My mom died in november. As I was talking to our councillor about it all he said your mothers passing is just grief. At the time it didn’t make much sense to me but now years later and with the ability to step back he was right. It was just grief. It wasn’t her fault it wasn’t mine she didn’t ask to die.My wife chose to screw around. She chose to do it without my knowledge. She chose to lie, to have sex with someone else and to keep me in the dark. What other horror is she capable of doing and not telling me? If I’m not worth protecting then who is protecting me? Look at society and see all the great dramas about betrayal and infidelity. We drench ourselves in it yet we don’t teach ourselves how to protect ourselves from it or how to heal ourselves from it. I think it’s an inbuilt tribal thing that says to you i’m not going to survive with you because I can’t trust you. Let’s face it the world sends enough crap at you daily you don’t need your spouse adding to it by going about it behind your back. It’s the whole bit of having your reality shattered and your trust destroyed not only in your spouse but for yourself also. Because I chose you and you turned out to be a bad choice on my part. If i can’t choose a good spouse what else in my life have I chosen poorly about. It is the ultimate slap in the face showing you how little they respect and love you. And it is eye opening to the people who put thier spouse on a pedestal only to watch them fall into the depths of thier own stupidity.

Why is the pain of infidelity so different from any other experience for the BS?

Because it is an attack on you. Who you are at the deepest, most fundamental level. An attack on yourself, as in your Self.

I have a cousin, newly discovered, who spent her whole life believing she was Irish and this one man was her dad, but thanks to 23andMe she learned at the age of 55 that he was a stepdad and her real father was gone (and we are cousins) and her mom lied to her every day of her life. To the extent that this thing called a Self was built on that narrative, it was exploded.

It’s like that. The more you define your Self, your Who You Are by your marriage and your relationship, the more pain you feel when it is shown to be sham.

That’s why a key to recovery is to stand on your own two feet. Be defined only by your actions, and no one else’s.

It hurts more because the pain is personal.

Illness or death or accidents just happen. Most often not personal.

A cheating spouse CHOOSES to do something that is a personal attack. And often blames the betrayed spouse is the cause of the cheating.

😡😡

Very gently, maybe it's not 'like PTSD' for you. Maybe it IS full-blown PTSD. If it is, my reco would be to get some help - a good IC - in dealing with PTSD. First accept and atart resolving the trauma; then you'll understand.

If you've already done some of that, what have you done? EMDR?

I don't know when I can respond to replies. I just finished the first podcast that Seeking2Forgive posted, and it is hard. It is important information and does answer my question but requires that the victim return to the scene of the crime. Fortunately they're also quickly normalizing the experience as they speak and giving assurance that healing is in the future. There's a lot of new vocabulary - breech of safety, feeling violated - but most powerful is the relief of validation. Their description of the obsession, rumination, hypervigilance as a desperate attempt to get information, which looks like going through phone bills, credit card statements, etc. for days and months, is especially amazing to hear. I've NEVER heard anyone describe that particular behavior that I did for months. They said it used to be called co-dependence, which is just so insulting as if there is something wrong with US.

Then they talk about the difficulty of healing because of "reminders" which feels like seeing 'danger' everywhere. That's why they come back again and again to the key theme of safety. Our safety has been threatened because this person we trusted with our most intimate selves was not who we thought s/he was and we don't know what is true or real. The past has been rewritten, and the present continues to injure us.

I am very sorry, everyone. I am sorry to myself as well but I cannot do this now.

I thought before this happened that I had resolved and healed the best I could from the holocaust of my life that was the discovery of my husband's addiction and secret life. I realize now I didn't. I have, however, learned how to cope. It's the holidays. I've made commitments. I cannot do both that and this. I cannot go another hour into this emotional minefield I've opened up with this post and also follow through with the plans I'd made for the next two weeks.

I've spent the morning on the floor and am taking this step and choice to leave re-examination of My Life and re-enter the superficial realm of day-to-day survival.

I'll come back to this afterward somehow. Maybe here; maybe not. Feel free to carry on the discussion. The topic is on the table, but I'm not there for the time being. I cannot do it now.

I will do it the right way with my therapist. Our next appointment is next week. But I cannot do it this way. My world was beginning to spiral out of control as my entire life suddenly re-presented itself for evaluation and rescue - or not. Such a conversation - between My Life and Me takes time and attention - to regain a sense of control.

{{{{{hugs merrmeade}}}}}

Please take care of yourself - infidelity just upends everything. Reach out if you need any help.

There is no need to apologize...I am happy that you felt comfortable enough to come on here .

ENJOY your holiday time Dear Lady!!