SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I’m a third of the way through the above mentioned book. It’s my first book on the topic. It’s on point with all the emotions I feel, but its message seems to be "divorce is the only solution". And, maybe the book is right about that.. I’m not there yet. Are there other more balanced books out there worth reading?

There's a thread on this book in The Book Club forum that you might find helpful.

Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass is highly recommended. Her analogy of windows & walls was very helpful to me.

I actually like the book's approach. It is written from an evolutionary psychology perspective, and although people might try to dismiss its assertions as anecdotally based, they rely on avariety of studies to back up their point of view.

I'm sort of an outlier here as I do not believe many marriages survive infidelity in any meaningful way. Infidelity is a difficulty subject to study as people are prone to lie about their behaviour, even to researchers. It's akin to the Bradley affect where people like to present themselves as moral and decent to the public while engaging in questionable activities privately. As well, there have been few longitudinal studies that go beyond the 5 year mark, the point where many BSs feel "healed" enough to look at their relationship objectively and decide if it is really something they want.

The authors basic thesis is that cheating provokes a fundamental fight or flight response in our primitive programming and our basic instinct is to run. If we stay, our decision flies in the face of this programming and so we are in an internal conflict. Some can resolve this, some can bury it, and some simply cannot do either.

I believe some can survive infidelity with the relationship intact, but I don't believe that it is ever better, at least compared to a healthy relationship. I fidelity doesn't make the relationship stronger just as a serious head injury doesn't make you think better.

Besides my own experience,I have o e other, that is my MIL. My FIL was a serial cheater and she chose to stay out of necessity. Three young kids made leaving tough, and her family had largely shunned her in the sense of being a teen mother and having made her own bed. After 55 years of M, one would have thought she would have healed, but after he passed, my WW'S infidelity came out and my MIL fractured as all of the pain came flooding back.

We've had conversations in the 5 years since, and there is a regret that she didn't end the relationship when he first cheated. Yes, she loved him, but I do t think it was a healthy love. It always reminded me of Stockholm syndrome. But there was also this underlying contempt that one would notice every once in a while. A yway, it was toxic both ways.

Anyway, our evolutionary programming helped us survive in a world that no longer exists. No way to wipe it though and no patch code I can think of. I wish this wasn't the case, but as with much of our behaviour, it is driven by our collective past.

[This message edited by Justsomeguy at 3:57 PM, Friday, February 3rd]

The authors basic thesis is that cheating provokes a fundamental fight or flight response in our primitive programming and our basic instinct is to run. If we stay, our decision flies in the face of this programming and so we are in an internal conflict. Some can resolve this, some can bury it, and some simply cannot do either.

I haven't read the book, but I have to disagree with the idea that people's first instinct, when faced with infidelity, is to run (ie, leave the marriage). Most people are highly resistant to change and (rightfully) terrified of completely upending their lives; if anything, they will try desperately to restore the status quo. If they experience internal conflict afterwards, its not because they resisted their "programming" but because they are still living in an unjust and abusive environment.

All personality traits and character flaws cheaters possess don't disappear during reconciliation, even a more or less successful one. Reconciliation ≠ equal reincarnation.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 5:39 PM, Friday, February 3rd]

The authors basic thesis is that cheating provokes a fundamental fight or flight response in our primitive programming and our basic instinct is to run. If we stay, our decision flies in the face of this programming and so we are in an internal conflict.

And yet some people believe that not giving in to the fight or flight reaction has led to a lot of advances in human society....

Sometimes one has to act on instinct. I think it's fair to say human beings get better results when they think before acting. 'Ready-aim-fire!' is much more likely to hit the intended target than 'fire!' In responding to infidelity, one almost always has time to consider options and make conscious choices before acting.

I believe some can survive infidelity with the relationship intact, but I don't believe that it is ever better, at least compared to a healthy relationship.

And yet many SIers do claim to have have healthy Ms with former WSes. Why not believe them?

The BSes who say their relationship is better have not kept their relationships intact. They tore them down and rebuilt.

It's important to remember that being betrayed adds to the BS's burden. Simply jumping to D without lightening the burden - without doing the hard work of recovering from being betrayed - is not a way to prepare for a healthy relationship.

I fidelity doesn't make the relationship stronger just as a serious head injury doesn't make you think better.

It's the work they (we) did after infidelity that made their (our) Ms better.

R is not for everyone. Neither is D. Where infidelity is concerned, there is no one-size-fits-all.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 7:07 PM, Friday, February 3rd]

I read it. I couldn’t get down with the vibe of the book having no place for forgiveness leading to reconciliation. It felt like you could have substituted infidelity for any other offense and the authors arguments would have been unchanged. I believe in forgiveness, both from religious and practical considerations, I don’t think civilization could co-exist with human nature without it. Not saying everyone has to reconcile, just saying the book seems to imply it’s impossible. That was my take away.

I have to agree with Justsomeguy. It is rare to get the reconciliation that you hope for. It is possible there are stories here of those who are happily reconciled but the WS has to put in the work and so does the BS and the BS eventually has to come to terms that the A happened and nothing you can do to change it.

My xWS was not remorseful, but I believe even if he was I had this...

If we stay, our decision flies in the face of this programming and so we are in an internal conflict.

and it wasn't going away or getting better. I had been adversely affected by the A's. It changed me, changed my reactions to him and my feeling of love disappeared and were replaced with disrespect and repulsion. The book goes into that repulsion being one of the main side effects.

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 7:31 PM, Friday, February 3rd]

SoConfused, I have read or partially read a half dozen books and hundreds of articles, websites, podcasts and videos so far. This guidance on this site and the healing library are among your best resources in the early stages, but I didn't find them until a year in, which I still regret years later.

Cheating in a Nutshell was a fast but not very helpful read for me, since I was/am trying to stay in this relationship. The book made me feel not alone in my pain, and validated in almost everything I was feeling, but left me feeling disillusioned and hopeless trying to find a path forward that did not include divorce. It is a pretty cynical book, and maybe rightly so because the statistics are so bleak. It wasn't the book I needed to help me with what now or what next.

I don't think there's a magic book on trying to stay happily or even comfortably married to your cheater, but there are good books on healing yourself, helping let go of the hurt and finding a path forward sure of yourself, regardless of what happens in the relationship. I found a few useful in my healing: Treating Trauma from Sexual Betrayal by Dr. Kevin Skinner, Get Out of your Mind and into Your Life by Dr. Steven Hayes and Living and Loving After Betrayal by Dr. Steven Stosny. There is so much confusion and processing that happens in the wake of betrayal that remembering to take care of yourself is the most important goal, and that is why so many here recommend The Body Keeps the Score as an important book in your arsenal.

Once you are over the shock of your partner's choices and your rebooted life, you will likely be surprised at all the twists and turns your own mindset will take. These books helped me understand the root causes of my traumatic response, recognize the things that triggered and those that soothed me and helped me to feel more in control of myself and the rollercoaster ride I was on. They helped me reframe my experience and gave me some touchstones to reclaim my life with, like focusing on who I am and not what I feel at the moment, and learning to use the pain for positive growth instead of letting it drag me further down. I have these books earmarked and have taken so many notes that I revisit often, like booster shots for my recovery.

For the record, I am the only one of us doing the reading and that is its own problem. But if I could get my WH to read one of the books I have read, I would probably pick Cheating in a Nutshell because it lays bare how awful, heartbreaking and common betrayal has become without laying blame on the betrayed. I'm not sure he will ever understand the damage he has done to us both. Also for the record, I don't think our M will ever be better now than the happy one I thought we had, but hope for good enough to both be glad we stuck it out in the end.

Good luck on your healing journey.

[This message edited by whatisloveanyway at 7:42 PM, Friday, February 3rd]

I've read it.

I think it does a very good job at explaining the feelings of betrayeds.

I cringe at the "science based" argument since I believe the authors are advice columnists. They are not researchers nor scientists or even in the field of psychology. The book is mostly anecdotal which I don't dismiss, but it's not scientific.

They do quote studies, however we all know (or learn eventually) that the studies done on infidelity vary widely. Good ones are hard to come by and frankly, I don't know I'd know a good one from a bad one. But I do know that there is no definitive answer from science. Yet. I also assume they chose studies that supported their advice which is to leave. Always.

Trauma does trigger flight or fight. So why is flight the only viable option per this book?

And I agree with Sisson - we have evolved beyond our primitive natures or we try at least.

Still worth a read though. It really does validate the betrayed's experience. It also shows how very, very difficult it can be to recover your marriage.

And as I stated, I am an outlier. But that is the beauty of this place. It is not an echo chamber...

Maybe a different perspective from an owner of the book?

From a previous post:

"I cringe at the "science based" argument since I believe the authors are advice columnists. They are not researchers nor scientists or even in the field of psychology. The book is mostly anecdotal which I don't dismiss, but it's not scientific."

The book is NOT "anecdotal" (look up definition)
I don’t get where the "science based" comment applies to a compendium of letters from betrays persons.

********
From the preface:
"in Cheating in a Nutshell," we retell the stories we were told.
********
The book is a compendium of what was sent to the authors over their years as advice columnists.
Further:
Cheating in a Nutshell: What Infidelity does to the victim

******************************

From the books Preface:

This book is the longer answer we wanted to give to each person who wrote us. Before writing this book, we reread over 3000 cheating letters from the first 10 years of our column.
As we wrote, we had three groups of people in mind:
Those just learning their partner has deceived them.
Those who stayed with a cheating partner and now realize that things cannot be restored.
Those betrayed in a past relationship, who seek a deeper understanding of what happened.
--
Thousands of people wrote us. They had a story to tell us. This book is the explanation of that story.

********************************

One is free to argue over their interpretations (where offered) – but the stories related are what was sent to them via letter. The anguish, pain, and loss noted in the letters is laid bare for the reader.
If you choose to read – you will get a perspective of what you are facing for your future whether you stay or go.

If you read here (SI) enough, you will read the same stories although many stories in much greater length. And also reading here you get a dose of how people respond with advice so varied.
Additionally, often a BS has the WS also posting in separate forum and one gets to see "the other side."

The book is not very $$ (10 bucks for the tablet version) and worth a read – if for nothing more to figure out you are NOT ALONE in your feelings and perspective. Also there is no universal right choice in how to move forward in your life.

Will you feel better for having read the book? Maybe/Maybe not. But you will find out you are OK with what you are feeling. Betrayal hurts one to their soul. Only time will lessen the pangs of pain.
But nothing will erase the memory.

Also a note: there is no bibliography but there IS a list of "Works Cited" which if you are looking for more to read – there are enough items listed to keep you reading for a few years.

One part I liked about the book is their chapter 7 on "Risk". They are spot on with what a BS will face.

When I worked my career was in Risk Management. I worked with Probabilities. Probabilities is all about what a BS must weigh and conclude in order to make the decision to divorce or reconcile, whether they realize it or not.

When I make an investing decision I must decide if there are enough probabilities in my favor before I risk my hard-earned money. I must decide if everything lines up so that I have a good chance of being successful.

I love the way they explain the probabilities a BS must judge. They explain it this way. The BS should state #1 -- what has happened and, -- #2 -- what they Wish or Hope will happen. What the BS needs to realize is that each time a person adds another factor or condition the Odds of achieving success goes down exponentially. Every time another factor is added the odds for failure increases in a dramatic fashion.

I will be quoting from the book and I hope I do not get into trouble. They start by stating what happened... "My partner cheated". Then they add one favorable factor after another. With each factor the odds of achieving all goes down like falling off a cliff. From the book:

- My partner cheated.

- My partner cheated, is staying with me.

- My partner cheated, is staying with me, is sorry.

- My partner cheated, is staying with me, is sorry, is now honest.

- My partner cheated, is staying with me, is sorry, is now honest, won't do it again.

- My partner cheated, is staying with me, is sorry, is now honest, won't do it again, I'll get over it.

You could then add additional factors to the above that you want to achieve, such as, "I will again be happy living with the WW" etc.

You do know that the first one "My partner cheated" is 100%.

Now you go to the second one "My partner cheated, is staying with me". That one could be assigned a success achievement value of say 75%.

The third one, "My partner cheated, is staying with me, is sorry" might be added a success achievement value of say 40% or lower.

Then going to the fourth one of where the cheater is remorseful and Safe… "My partner cheated, is staying with me, is sorry, is now honest, won't do it again" might be added a success achievement value of 15% or even lower. In my now long life I can count on two fingers very successful marriages that reconciled and both partners were happy and glad they reconciled. I have lived over 85 years now.

Even here at SI we have the Legends of reconciliation, "Mr. & Mrs. Walloped". Hundreds of pages were posted in their threads. Even after doing everything right for almost 3 years, it wasn't until Mrs. Walloped read Mr. Walloped's posts that she had such a panic attack that she ended up in the hospital; that was when she became truly remorseful.

However, even then, 3 years after that, a person would think everything is hunky-dory. However, Mrs. Walloped posted again where Mr. Walloped had lost his zest for life. He had developed an almost fatalistic view of life that it was as good as it would ever get and would never get better. She said they were almost formal in their interactions with each other. They still had sex, but, IMO, it was more a biological release rather than a love bonding. Again, that is just my opinion after reading her posts. This post was written 6 long years of trying to reconcile and this is where the wayward is doing everything she should be doing. And this couple are held up as examples of successful reconciliation.

Here is the link.

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/topics/649896/at-a-loss/

Now then, it may be that I am just cynical and jaded because life has made me that way by seeing the same mistakes and situations happen over and over. I have learned that things change... humans don't, or can't, or don't want to change.

What I have seen in real life seems to line up very well with what is reported in the book. From the reviews I have seen here on SI it seems that there are two camps.

One camp, which are those that are reconciling or pro-reconciliation, do not like the book.

The other camp are those, like myself, that think the book presents a real life view of betrayal and the really bad consequences of betrayal, and the dangers of someone spending the rest of their life with someone who betrayed them and committed treason to the marriage.

For myself personally I kind of look at it this way. Assume I built a business and hired a finance manager to handle the company's finances. He cheated by stealing from the company and went to prison for a number of years. He gets out and says he has reformed himself. He wants his old job back. I can go ahead and forgive him if I want. However, do I want to bring him back to the company and let him handle the finances again? My personal answer is "No". I could never fully trust him again. I would probably hire another finance manager who has never stolen from me or anyone else for that matter. That is what I would personally do.

Just thought I would chime in my views on this thread.

[This message edited by lrpprl at 3:40 PM, Saturday, February 4th]

You note that the only 100 percent category the book states is that my partner cheated. However, there is a second 100 percent category, in that the marriage will never be the same.

I think it’s logical to state that the marriage will never return to a state where it’s better post A than pre A. Thus, the other variables are whether the M: 1. returns to a state where it is as good pre A as it is post A. 2. Moved to a state where it’s worse post A compared to pre A.

So, what categories do the majority of M fall into post R? The M becomes as good as it was pre A or worse post A? Again, logic would point to the betrayed parter saying the the post A M is worse, but I’ve decided to R snd ride it out for these very valued reason which include x, y, z. The risks in D include x, y, z. The risk in finding a good enough new partner is x, y, z. The risk to upending my kids, extended family and social circle are x,y, z. And so on.

I’m also reminded of posts where BHs have said, "But I thought things were great."

If the marriage was crappy pre A, then the betrayed partner probably leans towards D once d day happens. It’s thus the good or excellent marriages where these calculations are more appropriate. The walloped marriage and the WWTL M, for example. Each of those M ended up differently post A, but the same exact calculations were used by the BHs to make that decision. Walloped said had it not been for young kids he would have definitely D. WWTL still had kids at home for a bit longer, tried to ride it out, but his calculations took him to D eventually.

The book is NOT "anecdotal" (look up definition)

Oke Doke.

From Webster: evidence in the form of stories that people tell about what has happened to them

In regards to the original post, I would also recommend the Shirley Glass, "Not Just Friends" book, as it actually describes how boundaries work or fail, and how to build healthy boundaries.

That said, I hate to see any thread break into the D v. R and supposedly finding a superior outcome.

I've only ever cared that people find a way to the other side of infidelity, regardless of the path they take. And people tend to interpret the stories here based on their own outcome. It makes perfect sense.

If you're happily divorced, or happily in a new beginning or happily reconciled, that's the experience you can best relate to.

First off, I think Walloped and Waited, two examples people are using, both can speak much better for themselves than old threads. I can say both of them reached out to me and helped me a LOT in my own recovery.

I think it’s logical to state that the marriage will never return to a state where it’s better post A than pre A.

If logic had anything to do with feelings, I think recovery from infidelity would be easier for everyone. Logic is my weapon of choice in life to solve and find a way through almost any problem. But logic failed me and my wife along the way.

That said, I know there are more people than me who found a better, stronger relationship after infidelity.

When a relationship is burned completely down to the foundation it allows a free get out of M card, and I understand why people choose to leave. I was sure I was one of those people who would hit to door the moment of discovery. Hell, before I found SI, I thought infidelity ONLY happened because the M was over in their mind (and sometimes it is).

I didn't even consider R was a thing, until I tripped over SI on a web search.

But it is.

And the same freedom that allows others to leave and find a new life elsewhere, also allows people to choose to offer grace or a chance to be better.

Our M pre-A was pretty good. It had problems, financial difficulties, overwhelmed by little rug rats and all the work raising them entails, and multiple jobs to keep the bill collectors at bay.

That said, it was never about me. I am not, nor was I ever the sum of my wife's shitty choices.

It isn't easy to recap the hard, brutal road back and rebuilding a relationship from the ground up. Ain't none of it easy, as everyone whoever attempted R can agree.

All I can say, is I will always hate that this was the adversity we had to conquer to get to a better place, it is what made us stronger. It made us more thoughtful, better communicators who have a level of authenticity we never had before. When you know someone and ALL of their flaws, and they know you and all of yours, and somehow there is still love there -- that can be a powerful new foundation.

I have friends and family who happily got their D and new lives that are happy, some of them not so much. Same with R. Some of them happy, some of them not so much.

Of course the marriage is 100 percent changed. It would have to be. I would also add, that not all changes are bad.

[This message edited by Oldwounds at 5:00 PM, Saturday, February 4th]

I spent so much time on a response that I had to check the thread before posting, to see if someone else was saying what I was trying to say.

Oldwounds said most of it, more nicely than I can.

The one thing I'll add is that risk management is largely based on statistics and probability. That part of risk management absolutely depends on a goodly amount of reliable data and a goodly amount of analysis to confirm the data is truly relevant to answering the questions being asked of the data.

And while we know, for example, how many people of a certain age will die within a certain period, we can't predict the future for any specific individual.

There is no such body of data available for infidelity. We don't even know how many relationships there are, much less how many are affected by infidelity. We have no idea of the mix of motivations of WSes and BSes. Even if we had such data, we would not be able to predict which couples will split and which will stay together - and the stay/go outcome says nothing about the quaity of life after making the decision.

We DO know that some relationships fail, and some succeed. We know many of the reasons why relationships might fail, but we don't know which will fail. Gottman can look at couples and predict longevity, but I don't believe he can explain much about the motivations that go into longevity - and he needs a lot more info than statistics provide.

I'll also add that applying logic to the outcomes of infidelity, one MUST consider the possibility that an M can be better after than before an A, especially since some of us testify that that's our experience.

Bottom line, statistics and probabilities have essentially no place in making a specific decision ins a specific sitch.

Here are a couple of data points, though:

Shirley Glass: Of couples who sought her help and who said they wanted to R, 20% ended up splitting. That implies that if you and your WS want to R and have the help of a top notch therapist, you've got an 80% chance of staying together.

Peggy Vaughan: Of her survey of over 1200 people affected by infidelity, a majority stayed together. The source is her 'Help For Therapists (And Their Clients)'. This is available for free download from at least one website, but the website is primarily focused on selling something and naming it violates the 'No Soliciting' guideline.

Neither data point supports much in the way of generalization, though, since they are bot too small and neither is based on random selection of subjects.

*****

Look, I understand that one's experience can lead to the conclusion that a better M with one's fWS is impossible.

I do not understand refusing to believe the testimony of fellow members of SI.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 7:13 PM, Saturday, February 4th]

When i first found out i wanted the marriage to work/last/be whaat it was. Most of the books and resources did not capture what had happened nor what i was feeling. Most of them skipped over that and went right to the marriage.

Not just Friends by Glass helped me understand what happened to the relationship from a clinical perspective. When i first read it i was too 'deep in the weeds; for a lot of it to resonate with me. If i can recall she does talk about how reconciliation can happen but it first lays with the WS being honest with themselves and the BS. This was not my case and i do not think are the majority of cases. As an aside her son Ira Glass does the radio show This American Life -- which did a show featuring his mom and infidelity. In general i like the show a lot but that episode not so much.

Cheating in a Nutshell spoke to me in terms of that my feelings were not out of the ordinary.

Leave a Cheater Gain a Life -- gave me literally the playbook that my WW was using on me. I was so desperately trying to believe in my WW, the marriage, ... that i simply had no idea of what i was already fully in the midst of. This book is decidedly not pro-reconciliation.

Stosny's book is good and i use many of his tools now to continue to work on myself. But his book also states that whether to reconcile or not is a decision for after healing.

I read all four of those and probably a dozen more in the first 6 months after dday. That said i think we have to *try* to separate the outcome from what is happening to the BS. Even after reading those books and others i still wanted to attempt reconciliation. The BS needs a way to hear what is heppening to them -- a space to clear their mind -- time to heal and then the space to make the decision about what next.

Maybe the reason why each of this books touches on an outcome is our desire to want to know how it is going to turn out. But we all know we have to let go of that -- right?

So, isn't what you are saying that a marriage is better after the affair than before the affair just a subjective measurement also?

What measurements are used to measure a marriage "before" and "after" an affair to say that it is better or worse with reconciliation?

Since I was a Risk Manager for 38 years I sort of have to disagree with you on your analysis of the worthlessness of risk analysis when facing probably outcomes. My advanced studies were in statistics and risk management. While we don't have reliable statistics on marriage reconciliation outcomes, because they are so subjective, we do know that approximately 50% of first time marriages in the Western World end in divorce. In the U.S. I recently heard a statistic that approximately 80% of divorces are initiated by the wives. I heard several reasons for that.

So, for the person entering a first time marriage, we know the probabilities for success or failure of their marriage.

I will shut up now on the value of probabilities.

Now then, not to belabor the point,forgetting probabilities for the moment, wouldn't you agree that someone should try to understand every possible outcome before making a "Life Decision", much less something less risky, such as investing in a business or a stock?

If not, then what should they consider when making a life altering decision.

Logic should enter life altering decisions in my opinion. A person should, IMO, get facts about every outcome he or she might face before making so important a decision.

Personally, I would hope that every Betrayed who shows up here for help is not so closed minded to shut off different points of view.

By the way, I did not read in the book or ever on their Facebook page where the authors, Wayne & Tamara Mitchell, ever suggested that one should get divorced in each and every case. I did read where they said someone should take however long they need to come to a decision... whether it is 30 days, 60 days, 90 days, or longer. They just point out how difficult it is going to be and why it is going to be difficult.

They did devote a chapter on the late Peggy Vaughan who stayed with her philandering husband, James. The chapter is called "Why Peggy Cried". It describes how she totally broke down crying on stage in D.C. after 20 years of advocating for reconciliation. She was on stage telling of how hurtful affairs were and she just broke down uncontrollably in tears as the pain came back... all the emotions came flowing... 20 years later.

I would hope a newly betrayed would read not only "Not Just Friends" and any other book someone feels is helpful, in addition to "Cheating in a Nutshell". One might fit their situation and personality the best.

As is frequently said on SI... "Take what you can use and forget the rest"... or words to that effect. Personally I would add "Try to be open minded about it".

I will shut up now.

I think reconciliation lies with the WS. If they cannot find remorse, empathy, sympathy, and support for the BS there is really no hope. I think people who have reconciled have gritted their teeth in the face the horror that showed up in their lives, or they’ve had a WS who really did the work. I don’t think there’s much in between.
Cheating in a nutshell is just two people who give pretty straightforward advice (I’ve read their column), and they put into a book everything they’ve learned. I think you can consider them experts. After all a BS is an expert on what it feels like to be cheated on. And it WS is an expert in lying.
Just remember experts said the fact that SA and Africa had never been joined were surprised in 1961 when plate techtonics was discovered. An expert is about 2 1/2 minutes from being a fool.

Now then, not to belabor the point,forgetting probabilities for the moment, wouldn't you agree that someone should try to understand every possible outcome before making a "Life Decision", much less something less risky, such as investing in a business or a stock?

If human relationships were only like trying to hit margins for insurance profitability -- but they are not.

I worked in military intelligence for six years and the job was all about risk assessment, keeping lives as safe as possible in dangerous, real life combat scenarios.

In that sense, war, life, relationships -- we all can plan with the best available information -- and it's all great until that first punch, first bullet, first adversity hits.

I guarantee anyone who has ever met my wife wouldn't be able to predict she did what she did, including her.

She is a person who had never missed a day of school or work. She sold back vacation every year. Never missed a PTA meeting, never missed an event our kids participated, never missed church, never broke a rule in her life until her crash and burn (her choices) with the A.

The A happened far from home, friends and most family. They all assume she's a Saint, and some in her family would reject her forever if they knew her entire story.

Ultimately, I don't know that there is disagreement about reading books or ever which ones to read. I would recommend people get a hold of as many sources as they need, refer to quality professional counselors, gather information and make up their own mind. I don't think anyone is suggesting otherwise.

My experience has revealed logic and probabilities rarely apply in matters of the heart.

What measurements are used to measure a marriage "before" and "after" an affair to say that it is better or worse with reconciliation?

Kindness, openness, authenticity, vulnerability, communication, care, and that really tricky stuff -- love.

I get a lot more of the stuff above than "before" and so does my wife from me.

Sounds subjective until you experience it on a daily basis.

What's my risk now? No idea. I just know I will be good either way -- because I have survived a lot more adversity than this.