SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So I know this topic goes the other direction as well but I am just curious for my own life and purposes. My WS did cheat with younger. Now that we are separated I routinely get hit on by men quite a bit older. (Younger happens too but not as curious about that and not as much). So why? Why is that such a prevalent thing?

I personally find it creepy when men like women the age of their own kids. It make me question the integrity and character of that man. They act like it is normal? But seriously I can say that I do not look at men 20 years younger that way...at all/

So it is an ego boost? Is it gross or not? Do they not just realize how old they actually are? I guess I am somewhat wondering if all men are realistically like that is given the chance kind of thing.

Be honest men. Is this really just the way it goes?

I am talking about really big age gaps, not a few years.

[This message edited by Jesusismyanchor at 11:10 AM, February 2nd (Sunday)]

I suspect it makes the old farts feel youthful and boosts their lagging vitality.

It seems gross to me too

It's a way of denying that we're getting older. If you take some time and think about it, it does make sense.

I still have a vision of myself, and who I am. It doesn't match my chronologocial age, even though I'm only 37. When I go on dating sites, I say I'd be interested in dating people +- 10 years. But when I look at people ten years older? They make me think of people my parents' age. All the gray etc etc. (and no, my parents are actually 60s, so this is a me issue).

So they might be in my age bracket but I just can't go there yet. I think it might be similar for some people- they want to date the same kind of people they've always dated. They don't want to admit they're aging.

It might be lame, but I think it's perfectly normal. There's a point where it becomes predatory though I think. My boyfriend is ten years younger and I can't help but make jokes about robbing the cradle. I think any younger than that, and I'd just feel like we had nothing in common. Fortunately, he's an old soul.

[This message edited by PSTI at 11:18 AM, February 2nd (Sunday)]

I have no idea really. My WH is younger than I am by roughly a decade and that was a downside for me for a long time. As I felt creepy, even though we got along well and no one thought there was an age difference between us by looking - so we looked "age appropriate" I was told...and those comments honestly pissed me off.

I don't get hit on at all by men older than I am - they are all younger by quite a bit. Granted I don't have kids so I tend to like to do things/be available to do things that women my age generally don't like/can't do due to having kids (I like to stay up late, go out to bars, and socialize in much the same way I have for a long time). Maybe part of it is that aspect of things for older men...I know a lot of it is purely physical but I think some of it is the mindset about doing things. My WH I think struggles with the fact that most of his friends have become much closer to "homebodies" due to having a family - there aren't many opportunities to go out and have dinner and drinks that last later than 9-10pm, even on the weekend. I have a bunch of friends I have had for 30+ years that never married and/or never had kids and I have a lot more in common with those friends than I do with my friends with kids (with exception to 1 who seems to still get out there and do stuff relatively frequently). So some of that I would guess is a return to their younger more care-free days. IDK - just a guess.

I also agree with the earlier comment about wanting to deny getting older. I do think the difference between me at 38 and me at 48 was/is negligible but the difference between me at 25 and 35 was a lot greater, so I do think that the older we get the less age matters and the bigger gaps are less of an issue.

[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 11:24 AM, February 2nd (Sunday)]

They don't have a lot of life experience,so some are more easily manipulated and gullible.

Some have daddy issues. As we age, and mature,many of us have worked out our issues with our dads. The younger women may not have done that just yet.

I find it gross when 50 year old men are into 20 year old girls.

I agree with this too:

I find it gross when 50 year old men are into 20 year old girls.

But I don't have an issue with a 45yo and a 60yo regardless of who is the man or woman in that scenario. I just don't think the difference in mindset is that great at that point.

A lot of the attraction to "younger" is simply biology at play. Younger women are typically more fertile; the purpose (evolutionary purpose) of our sex drive is to "make kids", so, it makes sense that men, in particular, are attracted to younger, because having sex with younger women is more likely to bear offspring. Now, of course, this is our biology at play, the VAST majority of men doing this, sleeping with younger women/AP's would sooner cut their penis off than have a baby with them, but the drive and desire, that's actually the biological urge to reproduce.

You could ask the same question about why women are, in general, attracted to rich/powerful men and men, in general, are not. Same thing, biological urge to make sure enough resources are available for children and those children are protected from harm. Dominance is a very sexy trait in men for this reason where it's typically unattractive in women. And the same is true of age, a lot of women snub their nose at young men, they have few resources, little "power" and influence. They have a hard penis to offer, but that's hardly a scarce commodity, and, as such, many are passed over.

I certainly saw it in my personal life, as my wealth and power grew, so did my opportunity with the opposite sex. My looks didn't matter nearly as much as my car/clothes and "bravado". And the exact opposite is typically true for women, looks matter a lot, but you can be wearing a 5 dollar dress, driving a 1985 Honda with 3 mismatched wheels and be terribly shy, I'd likely be attracted to you.

In general, the genders want different things in a partner. The "not fair" part of this is that the thing men often want is simply not available for sale, you can't "buy younger" (although, there is a huge industry helping people appear younger, so, I suppose in some ways, you can buy it). Where the characteristics that women generally want in men are something that can be "built" and cultivated throughout a lifetime. And that's why it's far more common to see a 50 year old man with a 25 year old woman than vice versa. Not because men are pigs (well, not exclusively) and not because women have Daddy issues (also, not exclusively), simply because they are both making partner/mating selections based more on biology than on social standards.

I am more thinking of the larger age gap. Like you are 50 and still drooling over that 25 year old woman scenario. I was talking with a male friend and he made a comment about a younger woman like 20 years younger. I found it gross. He has daughters close to that age. But then I really started to wonder if most men are really this way. I am starting to think they are like they don't even realize they are in fact that much older. I still find it gross however. I would be interested to get comments from some men on this.

Here is the FUNNY thing. When I commented that by his math I could be attracted to men in their early 20's he was like..Why would be attracted to that and want a younger man? That is really young. Bahahaha!!!!!!!

I suspect it makes the old farts feel youthful and boosts their lagging vitality.

Excuse me?

The answer I'd like to give you would get me banned for life.

Jesusismyanchor, there are a lot of answers and there are lots of preferences both men & women have.

I really don't think any generalities fit here as a rule.

That said, if you want to confine it solely to infidelity, the other half of your question is why are younger women attracted to older men?

[This message edited by thatbpguy at 12:29 PM, February 2nd (Sunday)]

I am trying to confine it to the one dynamic for my purposes as I know it can go all different kinds on directions. I noticed you didn't mention a view point as a man. I am really wondering if some of us women get grossed out but the reality is that most men really are this way?

Infidelity has made me face some truths in life as opposed to how I would wish life to be

I also realize it won't be everyone but this really does exist or it wouldn't happen so much to me

[This message edited by Jesusismyanchor at 1:12 PM, February 2nd (Sunday)]

We are generalizing right? So lets blame society for some of this.

Most women spend a lot of time and effort to look and feel younger. So why are women in general trying to be something they aren't?

So it stands to reason men in general would be attracted to someone that is young as opposed to someone pretending to be young.

All generalizations and I'd say most men aren't seeing these younger women and thinking "oh wow great life partner material!" No they/we are just thinking with our little head.

Personally I think confidence is a much more attractive trait than youth.

why are younger women attracted to older men?

They're not. But they'll pretend to be if the guy is wealthy.

Remember Anna Nicole Smith, anyone? Yeek.

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 1:31 PM, February 2nd (Sunday)]

I have read a few studies that show men will attempt to get with the most attractive woman available, even if that woman is well out of their league. The studies suggest that men repeatedly feel entitled (maybe not the right word) to the most attractive woman in their scope, and then they will lower their target from there. Women do not do the same thing.

Idk.

Is there a biological component? An ego component? A blind spot?

Eta: Not to make myself sound better than I am (because there are lots of fabulous people), but my H told his IC that he would never leave me because he'd never get someone like me. His IC said, "You'll meet someone else." My H said, "No, not like her." I know my H feels this way, but it bothers me. Your value in this world is more than the mate you can get. It's not a competition. The attractiveness of your partner does not determine your status. But do men agree? I have doubts.

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 1:43 PM, February 2nd (Sunday)]

They're not. But they'll pretend to be if the guy is wealthy.

Interesting. I agree to some extent that many times women seem willing to trade their youthful sexual attractiveness in exchange for wealth and security from an older man.

But also what most on this thread seem to be saying is that men are by and large more “honest” about their desire for younger, nubile, fertile women. It’s also the case that men are able to be fertile until the day they die, while this is not true of women. Did nature make a mistake? Because otherwise this would seem to suggest that older men have been having relationships with younger women since the dawn of time, and nature practically dictates that.

It doesn’t seem as prevalent to see a younger man trading his youthful virility to be with an older wealthier woman — although this certainly happens.

I myself look younger and am fitter than many 49 year old men. I receive “pings” of interest from women younger than me all the time, and always have. I’ve been a faithful loyal husband - yet my wife is the one who acted on her urges.

I am attracted to women in their 30s and 40s but what if I were attracted to a woman in her 20s? She’s an adult and can make adult decisions, correct? So if she reciprocated my attraction why would it make me “creepy”? And why would we assume this hypothetical woman had “daddy issues”?

That seems like an artificial demarcation.

[This message edited by Thumos at 1:57 PM, February 2nd (Sunday)]

It's Darwinian, explained well by Richard Dawkins in The Selfish Gene.

In the Gershwin opera Porgy and Bess* there is a lullaby called Summertime (which is the opening song and very popular). One of the lines is "your daddy's rich, and your mamma good looking . . . so hush little baby, don't you cry." Which is at a primal, basic, universal level kind of obvious, isn't it? The richer a man gets the more likely have an attractive woman available to him, and the more attractive a woman is, the more likely to have richer men available (rich being a proxy for old in this case because accumulated wealth). That's the Darwin/Dawkins approach to mate selection.

I think that most people fall into a Darwin-Christian-Judeo 21st century hybrid approach to morality and life without thinking much about it. So you get people who lean more towards the moral system that derives from Darwin, "trading up" when they can, with an eye to the social cost as well as the opportunities they have. That's the guy who divorces his wife and marries a newer model or the woman angling for a richer man. Or people who kind of wish they could do that but come to terms with not being able to, and settling. That's the plan B angst. Or you get people leaning more toward zeitgeist 21st century morality, making decisions based on not hurting people or negative social feedback.

We are able to choose how to live and what to believe. I didn't give it much thought pre-affair and now give it an enormous amount of thought. I am not astonished at people who get by without a lot of intentionality because I did that too. The endless arguments in general come, I think, from individual plot points along that Darwin/Judeo-Christian/21st century 3D graph and perpetual astonishment that other people are at different plot points.

*I LOVE Porgy & Bess and highly recommend even if you are not an opera lover. It is extremely SI relevant. If anyone wants to discuss Porgy and Bess I'm right there. The second lullaby, sung by the baby's father, is "A Woman Is a Sometime Thing" which is extremely Darwinian. The hero is Porgy, a poor crippled beggar who rescues Bess, a fallen woman who keeps falling. He is Christian in word and deed.

Edit: my stream of consciousness was even less coherent than usual.

[This message edited by Pippin at 4:06 PM, February 2nd (Sunday)]

I am trying to confine it to the one dynamic for my purposes as I know it can go all different kinds on directions. I noticed you didn't mention a view point as a man. I am really wondering if some of us women get grossed out but the reality is that most men really are this way?

I didn't answer your directly, but did so by showing the other equal side of the coin.

As for me, I have never liked younger women. I stick to my generation as it fits my comfort zone. I don't know any men at all who prefer women more than about 5 years younger than they are. Even if we're talking sex, women 15 or 20 years younger at any stage in my life were probably less preferable to a women who is older and is really in tune with her own body- makes for better sex.

All I can really say is that some people just prefer younger/older and some don't. I think men and women who cheat with people much younger or older just attach it to some fantasy or similar.

I know you're seeking some specific answer to bite off and chew on, but I don't think one really exists.

[This message edited by thatbpguy at 1:54 PM, February 2nd (Sunday)]

I am 60, I have found the range I seem to have something in common with is about 48 to 64. When I was 55 I dated a 40 yo, we ended up as friends but not romantically too many things not in common. A friend married a 48 yo when she was 30. It was great up until a few years ago, now he is 78 and she is 60. He is slowing down a lot...

I saw a chart about the age of the other person who you would like to date. It worked out sort of like this

25 yo old woman liked 25-30 yo men

40 yo old woman liked 38-50 yo men

50 yo old woman liked 45-60 yo men

25 yo old man liked 20-25 yo women

40 yo old man liked 25-27 yo women

50 yo old man liked 25-30 yo women

Not all men are Leonardo DiCaprio but some think they are..The other thing we see out here in SoCal why do 25 yo woman date 75 yo millionaire movie producers?

This reminds me of a joke. A divorced couple who are 75 years old run into each other at the country club. His date is a 25 year old yoga teacher and hers is a 25 year old golf pro.

They chat a bit and she says I see your date is very young, I don't think it will work out. He replies that her date is also very young so why won't it work out?

She says it's simple math. How is that he asks. The wife says 25 goes into 75 a lot more than 75 goes into 25...

I have a guy friend from high school who is very, very successful now. He never had a gf in high school. Kind of goofy looking, but he has always been fun and funny.

Gets married straight out of college. Is divorced in a year. Nice girl, but he was getting more successful and flirting with his money.

Gets married a second time at 35 to a woman who was 21! Yep, very pretty. They have two kids. They are my fb friends. No pictures of them, no shout outs to her H, nothing about him at all. Lots about the kids, the house, the basketball court in the backyard, the fancy vacations. Everyone who knows them knows the dynamic: he got beauty and she got money (for now), but honestly--back to the original question.

Why would a man chase this, want this, put himself in the position to be used like this? Why is a young girl so important, especially since she can take that coveted cash when she goes? The gamble seems too big, yet it happens often.

(Admittedly, many guys are not like this and date their own age. But dating young is common.)

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 1:55 PM, February 2nd (Sunday)]

I don’t understand why a younger woman would want to tie herself down to that. It would have given me the creeps in my 20’s money or not there is no way I would have had sex with a pot bellied turkey neck older man