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Issue of Weight

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oldtruck posted 2/21/2021 09:53 AM

I just read a thread after the OP deleted their posts. So I do not
know exactly what they said.

As a man I can overlook a small or no butt.
Also same with small breasts and still find a woman very
attractive.

I like breasts. However no matter how large a woman's breasts
are they can never compensate for being fat, over weight.
This does not mean women have to have visible abs to he hot.

Though I have seen many a WW that were over weight before
their PA. Go to the gym, loose a lot of weight, get toned up.
Then have a PA, cut off sex with their BH.

After D day the WW stops the gym and puts all that weight
and maybe more back on. Then refuses to put in the effort
to get fit again for her BH after D day, recovery.

That is similar to a WW that did sex acts with the OM that
she refused to do with her BH before her PA and now still
refuses to do those sex acts with her BH after D day.


[This message edited by oldtruck at 9:54 AM, February 21st (Sunday)]

leafields posted 2/21/2021 09:58 AM

A person's core values and personality are not defined by weight.

BearlyBreathing posted 2/21/2021 10:05 AM

What is the point of your post? Because my reaction is: Wow. Generalize much? And reducing a personís worth to their weight? Thank you, Next...

Sceadugenga posted 2/21/2021 10:08 AM

A person's core values and personality are not defined by weight.

Yes, but both weight and build are important components in physical attraction and physical attraction is, in turn, an important component of a successful relationship. Granted it's not THE ultimate component and its importance might diminish with time, but I can't imagine a successful relationship between two people where one is physically repulsed by the other.

EllieKMAS posted 2/21/2021 10:23 AM

What point are you trying to make?

Because I vehemently disagree that if a woman "refuses to get fit for her BH" that that is in any way the on the same level as sexual betrayal.

Please stop objectifying women's bodies. A woman's body belongs to HER. It isn't there for a man or to make a man feel a way.

If you're physically repulsed by your spouse then file for divorce.

OwningItNow posted 2/21/2021 10:32 AM

The real question is not what we do or do not have or like because we are all unique both physically and personality wise. The real question in any marriage is "What do we do when we are no longer attracted to our spouse?" This is very challenging in many marriages, not just those that have been impacted by infidelity.

I have my own personal story on this, some hurts and some wins. I've learned a lot about myself along the way. My H gained 50 pounds in the two years after we married. I believed that I didn't care, but I was aware of it; his friends would make fun. Looking back I see it as selfishness now. He became a totally different person than when we were dating, gave up all his hobbies and racing and just hit the couch.

Around the same time, he made some off-handed remark about my being "different than other women" in a certain way. He backtracked when I got upset, but the damage was done. I never felt comfortable with him touching me again. I felt so unsafe in my own skin, even though no man had ever complained before. Just the opposite, in fact. But I was stuck with someone who felt this way.

Fast forward to years of his elevated sexual needs and my servitude--at least that's how I came to see it--and we finally separated, got honest, put our shit out there. I thought I would never be attracted to him again. Like ever. And for years I wasn't. The thought of him touching me made my skin crawl. But as he changed and we worked our way through it, something shifted inside me. His awesome behavior started reawakening my attraction. And now he's a good 50 pounds over the initial 50 he gained! But it was his more selfless and confident behaviors that I found sexy. Attraction can come back when people are healing a relationship in the right way. Resentment kills attraction, but working on the issues can bring it back.

The issue of attraction is not an easy one. Look it up online; there are no easy answers out there, even on the vast interwebs of endless information. People who are saying "It's devastating to feel rejected for my body!" are right. I've felt it. But people who are saying, "I just don't feel attracted" are not lying. And they can't fake it, so what do you want them to do? I have lived that, as well. Many, many marriages turn brother/sister like because of this, friendship but no lust. I think it's a good--and FAIR--discussion to have. Just because it hurts to know that you are being judged as less attractive, it also hurts to be in a marriage with the only person you can and should have sex with and feeling they would rather eat than look good for you. I just wish I had answers for people. All I can say is that I've lived it in every direction and understand. We should put our sensitivities aside for the sake of solutions, don't you think, SI?

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 10:37 AM, February 21st (Sunday)]

oldtruck posted 2/21/2021 10:37 AM

Because I vehemently disagree that if a woman "refuses to get fit for her BH"

elliekmas, it is not that she refuses to get fit for her BH,
it is that she got fit for her OM but refuses to get fit for her BH.

How do you ignore that point?

prissy4lyfe posted 2/21/2021 10:39 AM

BW here...

If my husband were going to gym and got fit for AP but refused to do so for me...

Yes I would consider it on the same level as his emotional betrayal. You put effort energy, re arranged your scheduled, took time away from our realtionship, from our children and our home...to go get attractive for another women. But refused to do so for me?

Yeah...I'm feeling betrayed. Is it something we can discuss and negotiate? Yes...but I would still feel extremely hurt.

blahblahblahe posted 2/21/2021 10:51 AM


Interesting, 5 out 6 responses ignored the OP direct question to bring forth their own agenda (at the time of this response)

Reread the OP's question in detail.

Oldtruck: You are correct, one could make an easy argument that if a WW got into shape for the OM, but not for the BH there is some equivalency to the sex act inequality point.

Sceadugenga posted 2/21/2021 10:57 AM

The issue of attraction is not an easy one. Look it up online; there are no easy answers out there, even on the vast interwebs of endless information. People who are saying "It's devastating to feel rejected for my body!" are right. I've felt it. But people who are saying, "I just don't feel attracted" are not lying. And they can't fake it, so what do you want them to do? I have lived that, as well. Many, many marriages turn brother/sister like because of this, friendship but no lust. I think it's a good--and FAIR--discussion to have. Just because it hurts to know that you are being judged as less attractive, it also hurts to be in a marriage with the only person you can and should have sex with and feeling they would rather eat than look good for you. I just wish I had answers for people. All I can say is that I've lived it in every direction and understand. We should put our sensitivities aside for the sake of solutions, don't you think, SI?

OIN - you brilliantly wrote out what I was going to write myself. BTW I absolutely adore your level-headed contributions to the forums :-)

sisoon posted 2/21/2021 11:00 AM

I keep thinking about an experiment in a psych cleas at Northwestern, I think. At the beginning of the class, the students were asked about the classmates they most wanted to date. The experimenters judged that the students picked the classmates who looked best.

Later, after the classmates had worked together on various projects, the experimenters asked the question again and concluded that desirability was affected most by personality.

There could be a lot wrong with the study. After all, the experimenter's were basing their judgments on their own personal values.

But it does give a little weight to the argument that looks come first in attraction, but personality may be even more important. In my own case, W2b looked OK to me when I met her. It was only after I got to know her that my desire became overwhelming. She may not be everybody's cup of tea... but I like coffee.

[This message edited by sisoon at 11:01 AM, February 21st (Sunday)]

crazyblindsided posted 2/21/2021 12:01 PM

Is this similar to the older men guts? Because I canít find that attractive right now either in my age group.

Thank god personality outweighs appearances though

I think these threads head in the wrong direction and sometimes people cannot change how they look as they age obviously same with wrinkles. Maybe we should strive for healthy?

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 12:04 PM, February 21st (Sunday)]

EllieKMAS posted 2/21/2021 12:05 PM

elliekmas, it is not that she refuses to get fit for her BH,
it is that she got fit for her OM but refuses to get fit for her BH.

How do you ignore that point?

I'm not ignoring any point. Of course it's a betrayal when energy is expended on an AP. But my opinion is that working out to attract an AP to give the ws kibbles is not on the same level as putting ones genitals on an APs genitals. If you disagree with that, that is okay - we are just in different schools of thought about that. And I will just point out that you say both that it is not that she refuses to get fit for her BH, and then in the next sentence that it IS that she refuses to get fit for her BH. Do you see the contradiction in that?

My issue here (as a woman and a feminist) is the idea that MY body is somehow "owed" to someone else. It does happen both ways, but imho this is a LOT more prevalent for women. The idea that I "better stay in shape for my husband" or "be skinny so I can get a man" that I'm 'less than' if I gain weight, get wrinkles, get gray hair, have a baby and get a stretch mark, live on a planet with gravity that makes my tits not look 18 years old when I'm 40... The list of conditions placed on women's bodies in order for those bodies to be deemed 'worthy' of a man's attention or societal acceptance is literally endless.

My body does not belong to anyone else. My body is not owed to anyone else. My body does not have to conform to someone else's ideas of how it should be or look.

I'm not saying this was your conscious intent, but these kinds of threads irritate me because they always seem to have a whiff of misogyny and ownership of the female body about them that I find very objectionable. Like I said, if you've hit the point where you are physically repulsed by your spouse, then divorce. I get the importance of physical attraction and I don't disagree with it being a factor in a healthy relationship. But expecting your spouse to conform to your ideas of attractiveness so you feel a way is not okay imho, for either gender.

HoldingTogether posted 2/21/2021 12:09 PM

Well! I donít imagine a post this sensitively written and carefully considered will go south in anyway whatsoever!

I wonder how people will respond to these totally not inflammatory and divisive observations?

skeetermooch posted 2/21/2021 12:21 PM

I don't know that she got fit for her AP. People lose weight when they're getting flooded with happy brain chemicals, which causes them to lose their appetites. Once people find themselves gifted with effortless weight loss, that perhaps they've desired but been unable to attain, combined with the cloud nine fantasy high of an A, they start finding energy and motivation to do all kinds of things.

It's kind of like a manic episode. It doesn't last.

gutpunch33 posted 2/21/2021 12:35 PM

I've been reading on here and occasionally posting for about 8 years now and this topic never fails to come up at least once a month AND it never fails to divide us in to our camps. So, I hesitate to post on one of these for fear of offending my fellow Betrayed Spouses. So with some trepidation here are my thoughts:

My WW was very very thin and extremely attractive during her Affair season. Dressing very sexy and looking good. And, due to some age and some medical issues she has added on about 20 lbs. And, I'm kind of pissed about it. But, my WW is actively working and struggling to lose that weight and that is what really matters. EFFORT

Whether it's about their weight, attractiveness, sexual adventureness, gift buying gifts or any thing else they did for the POS and not for us, we are all complaining about EFFORT... We are all upset about them not putting out more effort for us. Effort that was misspent to please the POS that SHOULD have been spent to improve the marriage. Every BS cries out to see their WS put forth not just effort, but MORE effort than they put out for their POS.

So if that's effort in trying to be more sexually adventurous, or in buying gifts or in keeping up their appearance, it's really, really important that we sense that we are receiving more. That is a HUGE key to us feeling that our WS is truly working towards R. Anything less than giving 100% more than what the POS got makes us suspect that the BS isn't really all that in to us or in to R.


maise posted 2/21/2021 12:38 PM

Everything that EllieKMAS said for me on this one but Iíd also like to add that the efforts we put in to better ourselves should always be for ourselves, and not for someone else.

[This message edited by maise at 12:58 PM, February 21st (Sunday)]

EllieKMAS posted 2/21/2021 13:31 PM

Whether it's about their weight, attractiveness, sexual adventureness, gift buying gifts or any thing else they did for the POS and not for us, we are all complaining about EFFORT... We are all upset about them not putting out more effort for us. Effort that was misspent to please the POS that SHOULD have been spent to improve the marriage.
I don't disagree with this. So, make the post and the point of the post be about EFFORT.

But so often when we are discussing effort made by the woman it circles back to either their weight or what hole the AP was allowed. It turns the conversation from the effort to viewing a woman's body as a commodity for a man. That vague kind of objectification is a notion that is steeped in the history of women being viewed as chattel, of women being subservient and there to 'do' for a man.

Bottom line imho, when a ww 'gets fit' for an ap, they are doing so not 'for' the ap, but as a transactional trade for the kibbles they receive. So it just strikes me as rather odd that a BH would make that a conditional thing. I mean... does a BH want their wife to transfer the kibble seeking to them? Does a BH *really* want their wife 'getting fit' simply so they can keep the status quo?

In my case, my xwh was sending poetry and lovey dovey barfy shit to his 18 yo ap BECAUSE HE WANTED TO GET INTO HER PANTS. It wasn't sincere, it wasn't real, it wasn't about 'love', it was payment so he could get something for it. I didn't want that shit from him because the ONLY reason he would be doing it for ME is so I don't divorce him and keep paying all the bills. It would have been extremely disingenuous. Does it rankle that the effort he put into her was more than with me? Yeah of course it does. But when I look at the underlying unhealthiness in him that effort represented, it makes it really quite pathetic.

BearlyBreathing posted 2/21/2021 13:34 PM

So, make the post and the point of the post be about EFFORT.

This. 100% this.

CaliforniaNative posted 2/21/2021 15:03 PM

This thread reminds me of the movie American Beauty. Lester worked out and started running to get 🔥 for Angela... a woman half his age. It definitely works both ways .

Interestingly enough I was at my fittest and slimmest when my ex cheated on me 🤷🏼‍♀️.

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