SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am a 47 year old man who has been married to my wife for 9.5 years. We dated for 2 years prior to our marriage, and I fell in love with her on the first date. She has a generousness of spirit and a beautiful smile that makes my hear flutter when I think about even now. We have two beautiful daughters together, ages 8 and 6, and I couldn't have been happier.

To give some backstory on our marriage, she's had some issues with me that were brought to light around year 4.

-I never wanted to do anything with just her.

-I was inattentive.

-I never brought her flowers or little gifts or love notes, anything to keep the flame alive.

-I wasn't interested in sex frequently enough. -I didn't respect her.

We talked about it few times, and I promised to change for her, but the follow-through was never permanent. I'll admit I didn't meet her expectations, but with the kids, work and life it was difficult to keep her as my number one priority. She even suggested marriage counseling, but I was resistant to that, thinking we could handle it ourselves without some stranger mucking around in our lives. Eventually, her attempts at initiating sex diminished and she got a little angrier and more distant. I didn't see the signals because I was sure she would never cheat on me or leave me because we had the perfect family. I realize now how stupid and arrogant I was.

On my birthday eve a week ago, I noticed a text on her phone from a co-worker that said "Miss you, can't wait to see you" and a bunch of emoji hearts. I confronted her on this and she said it was a friend from work. I said that wasn't a message from just a friend, and she calmly told me I was right. She then told me she had been sleeping with him for a few months, but had known him for two years and they were good friends before the affair started.

I was devastated, but having been cheated on before by a previous wife, I told her that I loved her and wanted to continue being her husband and very much wanted to work on the problems that got us to this point. She said she didn't know if she wanted to stop seeing him, but we agreed to talk about it the next day. I got maybe two hours of sleep because my mind is very active, so I called in sick to work the next day. THAT was a mistake, because I was left alone with my thoughts on minimal sleep. I visited website after website on marriage repair, husbandly leadership, etc. and eventually calmed my mind with the hopes that I would save our marriage.

When she came home we talked and she told me that she didn't think the marriage could be saved, that she didn't trust that I could make the changes that she needed from me to want to stay, that if I did they would be short-lived like all the other times I promised to change, that she had already retained a lawyer and the we should get a divorce. I broke down and told her I was scared to death of losing her, that my stomach was in a million knots and that I would do anything to make her happy. I even begged her to attend marriage counseling with me, and she reluctantly agreed after much persuading. Looking back, her eyes said otherwise, but all I heard was what I wanted to hear.

The next day I noticed her texting the OM, and that knocked me off my positive, win-her-back mentality. We talked more about us and how I was going to change, and I could tell that the subject was starting to wear on her and that she didn't want to keep re-hashing things. I realized I wasn't going to get anywhere by words alone, so I renewed my vow to win her back with my actions and ignore her texts to him. We had a good day together working around the house, joking and laughing like it was the old days. She continued to text him, but it didn't bother me too much since I thought we had made progress that day.

She's traveling next week for work and he will be there as well, so I asked her this morning if she can avoid physical contact with him while we're working on repairing our marriage. She said she could say yes, but she'd be lying to me and didn't want to do that. That hit me like a ton of bricks, because since this whole thing started I thought there was a chance to save things. But if she didn't want to stop having sex with him, much less stop texting him, what hope did I have? It was then she told me that he was her best friend, that he made her feel like she never had before, and didn't want to say it was love she felt but it was damn close.

I've walked through the whole day barely thinking of anything else. I'm way beyond heartbroken and don't know what to do next.

Sorry this was so long, I hadn't fleshed it all out until now. Thank you for making it to the end.

Hi msrodg,

Welcome to this place. You are safe here and are going to be heard. I'm sorry for what you are going through. Spend some time looking around on this site. Take a look in the Healing Library on the top left and read what you find there. You are going to get a lot of advice from some smart, well-meaning people. Some of it is going to be hard to take but try to keep an open mind and understand that people post here out of a desire to help and with experience in what works in these situations and what doesn't.

I'm going to try to be gentle here but honest. Please take this the right way but your wife is gone. That doesn't mean she won't come back and that you can't reconcile (R) with her but right now she is telling you how she feels and what she wants. You need to believe that. What you are doing now and have done since you found out is called the "pick-me dance". As you are finding it it doesn't work. You will hear it said here and it really is true, "You have to be willing to lose your marriage to save it." Trying to nice her back into this marriage is not going to work. You need to start detaching from her. See the parts in the Healing Library on the 180 and start practicing that.

Also quit taking the blame for her moral failing. She did not have an Affair (A) with a co-worker because of your faults as a husband. She has something wrong with her that allows her to think that being unfaithful is a valid response to marital problems. You cannot take the blame for this so stop that right now.

Some questions on the Affair Partner (AP). Is he married? If so then the first thing you should do is take your evidence to his wife. What is called the OBS here. Let her know what is going on. Affairs live in a fantasy world. Start shining the light of reality on it right away. Do not tell your Wayward Wife (WW) you are going to do it. She will warn him.

You'll see a lot of stories on this site about people that are being lied to from their cheating spouse about what is happening. Your WW seems to be sparing you that even if her frankness is painful you know where you stand. See a lawyer immediately and detach from her. Expose to everyone that you feel you need support from, do not hide her secret for her. She needs to see that you are willing to move on and maybe she will wake up. If she doesn't then detaching, practicing the 180, will have a positive effect on your state of mind and how you get through this any way. Concentrate on taking care of your children. Start allowing yourself to see that you can survive and even thrive without her. Do not become a victim here.

Lastly, take care of yourself. Find some support IRL from family, friends, etc. Tell them what is happening and that you need support. Eat, drink water, stay away from alcohol. Try to sleep. This is going to be a long process. Keep up your strength and again:

1. See a lawyer

2. Expose to the OBS

3. Practice the 180

She has her attorney.

You better get one.

Go NC with her. She is long gone.

How would she like it if you had an Affair?

Is the OM married? Tell his wife.

If this is at work, wait until the D is final, then report it.

She is your enemy now. you will not nice her back.

Get an attorney. Tell the OM wife if he has one. Kick her ass out and go no contact with exception of finances and the kids.

Is hard my friend, believe me I know. Especially since it's fresh.

-

I never wanted to do anything with just her.

this^^^^^

and

-I never brought her flowers or little gifts or love notes

this^^^^^

My ex was like the two items above. I NEVER cheated on him! I loved him more than life itself, my vows meant the world to me. Then after 30+ years of marriage, he cheated on me. I mentioned marriage counseling to him and he told me it wouldn't work.

I divorced him and do not regret it. I wish I had done it sooner.

I am sorry you are in this situation.

Reading this made me say WTF?

When she came home we talked and she told me that she didn't think the marriage could be saved, that she didn't trust that I could make the changes that she needed from me to want to stay, that if I did they would be short-lived like all the other times I promised to change,

Excuse me....she is out of her ever loving non-remorseful mind. She doesn't trust YOU to make changes? Are you kidding me? Whoa! She is not worth it. Don't even try.

I'm sorry but she should be on her knees, begging to stay. If this is how she feels, blaming you for her affair, there is no hope at this point. She is not worthy of you, I'm sorry.

you are playing the pick me game and are showing incredible weakness. She will continue to cheat on you as she knows she can and keep you around.

I would like to tell you what to do in this case but you probably won't listen as you have made every single bad move a newly betrayed spouse could make.

Perhaps you can tell her not to go on the trip as you know 'what she'll be doing there'. If she goes, tell her it's done.

What exactly are you trying to save in this case ? A marriage where you are being cheated on ? Plan B ? The safety net at home ?

If you were cheated on by a previous wife, what did you learn from that ?

msrodg I am very sorry for what you are going through. I would suggest you make every effort to speak with a good attorney and make sure of your rights/obligations, etc. I would also make every effort to find a good IC who is experienced working with betrayal trauma.

On the one had your wife seems clear about her wants but she continues to live with you, share some parts of the day. That's the part of the story I don't quite understand. Maybe that would be something to work about in therapy, i.e. your apparent willingness to allow that while she speaks and acts and feels as she does.

Please please please

Get a lawyer.

Do not interact with her without recording yourself. She has checked out and seems extremely narcissistic. She will do and say things to make her the good guy. She already is and has you convinced its your fault. She is dangerous.

Read the 180 and implement it.

Do NOT leave your home.

Stop doing the pick me dance. Start planning for a life without her. You need IC. she has you convinced that you need her. You need p understand why. So that you can change your reaction and desparation.

-I never wanted to do anything with just her.

-I was inattentive.

-I never brought her flowers or little gifts or love notes, anything to keep the flame alive.

-I wasn't interested in sex frequently enough. -I didn't respect her.

Trying to change to accommodate to a laundry list like this is a losing proposition.

The best response is: “Yeah, that’s who I am. Love me as I am or take a walk and stop wasting my time.”

You cannot work on anything unless the affair stops.

Begging, pleading will make you look weak and pathetic in her eyes while her other mans status will grow.

I'd file first but if you are set on trying to save this then exposure to end the affair is you're only path.

It seems she's long gone so don't expect a miracle.

You have gotten great advice above. A lot of us have played the pick-me dance, it usually does not end well. Even if you are the "winner" it comes at a high cost and I haven't seen much long-term success and you can tell from my member number that I have been here a long time.

Please see a lawyer as others have said especially since you have children.

You are doing everything wrong. EVERYTHING! You are taking the blame for her immoral actions, playing the pick me dance, begging her, pleading, crying most likely. WTH?? Are you seriously so weak that you will accept cuckoldry in order to keep such a damaged, uncaring and immoral person? You are NOT responsible for her affair, SHE IS! No marriage is perfect, isn't that why they say "For better or worse"? Apparently for her, the marriage is conditional on you buying her trinkets, writing love notes, and being the perfect romantic high school sweetheart despite the stresses of life getting in the way. She is very selfish, and has unrealistic expectations of what marriage is like.

You need to man up, get a lawyer and FILE! The quicker you are out of this situation with this horrible woman the quicker you can heal. Trust me I speak from experience when I say that in the future when you reflect back on the way you are acting right now you are going to cringe with embarrassment. I know, because I did the very same thing. Get mad, get tough, and most of all, respect yourself!

I can say the same exact things about my H snd I didn't cheat in him. He cheated on me. Get that out of your mind. She had the guts to cheat on you and then say she doesn't know if she can trust you? She's good at turning things around. She is being completely selfish with 2 kids hanging in the balance. I would recommend taking care of yourself and your girls. she doesn't respect you right now. She needs consequences.

Those M issues may have been true but and appropriate response is not cheating.

I recommend the book Love Must Be Tough by Dr; James Dobson.

[This message edited by Jesusismyanchor at 6:29 PM, December 27th (Wednesday)]

I hate to tell you this but the majority of people here are right. This isn't just a physical affair, it's emotional. This means you've lost her in a way that is almost impossible to get back. When a woman begins to distance herself and starts finding someone new the relationship is over. I'm so sorry. Perhaps things will work out in the future, but she also has to be willing to accept you for who you are.

You have also got to quit blaming yourself. The affair is her fault not yours.

Your wife’s description of you described my husband, too, yet I didn’t cheat—he did. Since your wife has been to a lawyer, you should talk to one (or more) too, so you know your rights and what to expect. Some states don’t care about adultery, but there are states that take that into account in a divorce.

Read the Healing Library, as others suggested, and work on the 180. If the other man is married, tell his wife. She has a right to know. Get tested for stds. And tell your friends, family, her family. Affairs thrive in secrecy and look rather tawdry when out in the open. Your wife might come around, she might not. Don’t rugsweep this mess or it’s liable to be repeated. Face it, whatever the outcome. You do not deserve to be cheated on.

I was in your shoes. Found out about A and immediately he wants a D.

He blamed me for all his unhappiness. All my fault. (Sarcasm)

I hung in for 6 months. And then told him get out and I am going to D him. I tried to be kind and loving and understanding. Also known as the “pick me” dance. He no longer respected me and saw me as weak.

At DDAY2 I finally had enough and told him to leave and I knew about his A and he no longer had to worry b/c I was going to D him. He never saw it coming. He thought I was never going to stand up to him.

And we have reconciled and I have my power back and restored and renewed confidence. But I took the opportunity to ensure my financial future with a post nup b/c I made that a condition when HE was begging me to give him a 2nd chance.

You have a chance to turn this around b/c the success of her A depends on YOU still financially supporting her and keeping her life status quo. If you change things and she has to fend for herself life isn’t so rosy and easy anymore. And it gets real quickly.

You need to stop begging and crying (at least around her, cry in the garage like the rest of us) chicks like confident men.....so please stop this and show your old lady you are strong enough to let her go, do the 180 whitch means distances your self from her and have the confidence that you will no longer share her.

You need to get her to second guess what she is letting go by showing her you are letting her go by going out and doing things with out her,clean your self up, and start looking good.

Make her think twice when she sees a new man with new cloths going out and doing what she was always holding you back from doing.

Your begging and crying for a women that just stabbed you in the back....stop it!

BTW....when she is gone on her work trip pack her shyt up and put it in another room....how could you possible sleep next to her when she comes back home knowing she's been with another man?

Why should you have any respect for her and her things when she has no respect for you? I mean the huge degree of disrespect she shows by contacting her boyfriend right in front of you is pure evil.

So please gain your self respect back by letting her go and asking her to leave. She may not leave, but at the very least she can sleep on the couch!