SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Yes, infidelity is a choice. But love is also a choice; so is forgiveness.

If your partner cheated, they did so because they wanted to cheat, decided to cheated and acted on that decision.

Before I go on, let me state this clearly: I was a victim of my wife’s infidelity. What a horrible victimhood it was. But, despite the hideous way she mistreated me, my love for her never wavered. Don’t get me wrong, there were times when I absolutely despised her, even to the point of hating her guts. But I still loved her. I chose to love her. My love for her was one of the few things that I could control in our relationship.

It took a while for me to take my love for her and turn it into something solid and palpable: forgiveness. It wasn’t until I made the choice to forgive her, that I really felt that I was becoming set free from the anger, hate and distrust. My choice to forgive her was more beneficial to me and my sanity than perhaps it was for hers.

I’ve read many posts on SI talking about the need to wait before giving forgiveness. When is forgiveness given too soon? A month? Two months? A year? A decade? One thing I’ve learned during the nearly three years I’ve been on SI is that every member has an opinion. Each has been cheated on and each one has a different opinion on things like their future and when to offer forgiveness.

I have learned so many things from the experiences of others here on SI. But one of the things I have not learned here is the value of giving forgiveness as soon as possible. The fear of forgiveness seems to be threat of rug-sweeping. If forgiveness is offered does it really mean that with it comes acceptance of future crap and unfaithful behavior? I don’t believe that forgiveness must result in a negative. Forgiveness is less for the betrayer than it is for the betrayed.

Forgiveness is a valuable thing. Forgiveness is freeing. Forgiveness doesn’t mean the infidelity didn’t happen. Forgiveness does not mean you will accept future infidelity. Forgiveness simply means the betrayed doesn’t need to continue carrying all the crap dumped on them by the unfaithful spouse.

A lot of the pushback against forgiveness seems to come from people thinking, “I can’t forgive my cheater, so how can you forgive yours?”

We all want to get out of infidelity. But what then? I don’t think we can truly get out of infidelity if we can’t shake the bitterness and trauma caused by infidelity. Some people get out of infidelity, only to have the trauma plague them in their current and future relationships. You can get away from a cheating spouse, but without forgiveness you may continue to cheat on yourself.

Hindsight is always 20/20. But I can tell you I wish I had been able to forgive early on, if only to avoid continuing to live in the toxic environment of my unforgiving mind.

Forgiveness is one of the most important choices and gifts you can give yourself. It can be so healing in the life of the betrayed.

I read these types of threads and I always wonder what it is exactly you love about your wife? I’m asking because I struggle with this myself.

I have questioned if I really knew who she was pre cheating. I think I have a better idea now. I see her as deeply flawed and, “if I knew then what I know now”.

I feel I had made assumptions and mistakenly filled in a few blanks when it came to my mental image of who she was and I she gave me no reason to doubt - until. Maybe I just overthink this shit.

So, why do you love your wife 36yearsgone?

Very well written...thank you for sharing . There are a few of us who forgave our WS early...but many well meaning people on here will say that forgiving too early can be detrimental. That wasn't the case for me...but I can't say that it will be alright for everyone.

The Bible tells us to forgive...and there is good reason for that as you have found out . I still get upset...sad...and angry at times...but the POWER of forgiveness is very REAL .

So, why do you love your wife 36yearsgone?

Buck, you are asking a fair and important question. It's a question I often asked myself during my throes of agony from D-day and beyond.

It really gets down to some simple math. Do I love her because of her looks? She's beautiful, but looks can and do change, but love can grow deeper. Do I love her because the first thing I noticed about her were her beautiful blue eyes? No, eyes grow old, tired an bloodshot. It's not her eyes.

The truth is, long ago I chose to love her despite her beauty and despite her many flaws. If I stopped loving her because she was unfaithful then my love wasn't real, it was conditional.

Therefore, my love for her is unconditional, despite what she has done. This doesn't mean I have to tolerate unfaithfulness. I also love my children unconditionally. Nothing they could ever do will change that. But I also never tolerated their bad behavior.

The bottom-line for me is that my love is unconditional. It can't be bought or sold.

...but many well meaning people on here will say that forgiving too early can be detrimental.

Yes, many well-meaning people will say that and they may be right.

For me, I have to forgive.

Thank you for your insight and heart felt thoughts. It makes a lot of sense. But I think for many well meaning people it meets resistance at a gut level. I think for many there is just too much pain and hurt to get to forgiveness until after much time has elapsed, if ever. I know it took me many months to forgive my fWW. But once I did I felt much as you have described.

I think there is such a thing as the quick forgive. The pick me, the nice back and the quick forgive are tools used often In the early stages after DDay.

Those of us who made mis-steps in R due our personal and marital unhealthiness, or desire to save the marriage at all costs come out over out over time, they just don’t work for most couples.

I do know someone personally who found out about infidelity, had less than 5 conversations about it. She forgave him and never brought it up again. They are still together and seem to be fine.

Choosing to get individually healthy iwas the most important part of moving through infidelity, for me. Forgiveness doesn’t register with me. Finite choice or a process, whatever category it falls in. Acceptance and allowing myself to be vulnerable and trust again we’re 2 things I struggled with mightily. We got there. Maybe forgiveness was seeded with those 2. Idk. Can I have chose it unconsciously?

I don’t agree that it is necessary. I read on here once that staying in the marriage to attempt R was the posters act of forgiveness. I tend to agree, that was my grace. I don’t regret it but it’s not as important to my marriage as the learning curves on boundaries, communication, love languages, effort etc..

The meaning of forgiveness that I was taught growing up was absolution (very religious upbringing) I have not been able to shake that meaning so for me, No I do NOT forgive and never will. However, a good therapist once said to me that its not my job to have to forgive. My job is to heal.

That therapist gave me something very special, the ability to move on with my life, with my WH without ever worrying or feeling pressure or obligation about whether or not I have or will ever forgive him. What he did is unforgivable in my mind and always will be but I don't have the obligation to have to forgive him to continue to love him and have a happy life with him.

I get that some people feel pressure to forgive, and that the definition or meaning to them if very different than what I was brought up to believe. I feel more comfortable knowing that I do not have the obligation to have to forgive and I carry nothing negative because I don't forgive. I don't wish for revenge or punishment any longer. For what many on SI say forgiveness means, I guess it means I forgive but for the definition I grew up with, it is not forgiveness.

I am glad you forgive and I am glad you still love unconditionally, I will never love my WH unconditionally, and I believe I never should have. I am assuming we have different definitions for that also. I love our son unconditionally but the love I have for my WH does have conditions now and always will as I am sure he has conditions for his love for me. If he were to cheat again, I would still probably love him but I would D and I am sure the love would fade in time.

What I say to people here on SI who spend so much time struggling with forgiveness is to let it go and stop worrying about it. I honestly don't believe any Wayward should expect forgiveness from a betrayed. I leave the forgiveness for him to forgive himself at some point-if he feels he can and if there is a God or higher being, forgiveness can come from them.

Forgiveness is elusive

*** Posting as a member ***

This is why we tell everyone to take what they can use and leave the rest. Not every opinion or piece of advice with resonate or fit every individual or every situation. Some people need forgiveness for themselves in order to heal, some do not.

You can get away from a cheating spouse, but without forgiveness you may continue to cheat on yourself.

I did get away from a cheating spouse, but I have no need to forgive him for anything. Ever. And this does not mean I will "continue to cheat on myself." I harbor no bitterness nor anger at this point. It is just a chapter in my past. Nothing more. More importantly, I got out of infidelity in a way that was necessary for me.

What I found to be more important for myself was to reach a level of acceptance. Acceptance means I accept what happened and there is nothing I can do to change it. Reaching that acceptance lifted a huge burden off my back. But forgive? That will never happen. What he did to me was unforgivable. I choose not to forgive.

If I stopped loving her because she was unfaithful then my love wasn't real, it was conditional.

My love for my husband was very real. I didn't stop loving him by deciding one day I was done. Rather, he killed it through his actions over time. Love is not impervious to years of actions that undermine it, IMHO, and marriage vows mean something to me (as I am sure they do to most). As always, everyone has their own take on that, as they should. No right or wrong, just what is right for each person. It would be a pretty boring world if everyone thought exactly the same way.

I'm glad you found a path that worked for you. Ultimately, everyone must find their own way.

I'm going to chime in and echo something another poster said. I realize that love is a choice, not a feeling. It ebbs and flows, but mine was based on commitment...My STBXWW, not so much. So here is the deal. If you met your WW right now and She was separated from. Her husband after doing and sayin to him all that She did and said to you, and she was completely honest about her infidelity, gasligting, lies, etc, would you date her?

You see, it took me a long time to realize that I was in love with the idea of who I thought my W was. Once I saw the real woman, not so much. I don't have that many years left. I need to think of me first. I agreed with forgiveness eventually and If you stay. It would be unfair to all involved to hold the bitterness while still together. But there is no need to stay unless it works for you. Hope it does in the long run.cheers.

I forgave my cheating husband very early after Dday (seriously like within less than 24 hrs) BUT that did not mean I was going to stay with him ... and I made that clear - I forgave him for two reasons ...One I knew that when he was stressed he did not drive well - and he was about to leave for work driving kids to school ... so I forgave him to calm him down and possibly save childrens' lives. The second reason was - we had been through so much together - four children - living just above poverty - burying our 14 yr old just three years before - so I forgave the man that had been a good husband for 25 years... What I didn't expect was the total meltdown on his end. The walls came crumbling down (where twelve hours before he was filled with his "reaons" - all obvious bullshit (except the one reason I might have believed - if he said he loved OW than our marriage and probably any further discussion would've been over) But the walls came down and he cried as much as I did - and then he continued to do what a truly remorseful spouse does - became an open book - kicked AP to the curb (NC without any explanation) Even showed me texts or told me when AP's friend tried to contact... We are six years away from Dday. I still think about it daily - I'm not the same person (I was always an enabler - making excuses for people ...But that morning when I forgave my husband - it was real - I said " look, I forgive you, I don't know if we'll stay together and if you want to move on, I'll be okay - we'll be okay." I think all you can do is be honest - I was devastated but knew I did not want to stay with someone who loved or desired someone else. And if you are not getting honesty in return, then you have to get your ducks in a row and make other plans.

I really needed this this week. Thank you for posting. I have stood by my wife during this entire ordeal, showing love and compassion where I can. I feel that she deserves this as a human, and as someone I will always care about regardless of the ringer she chose to put me through with her actions. Unconditional love. Many do not practice it unless there is something in return.

The only thing that I fear, is that it sets us up for failure in the future. Hopefully she will identify that she is a broken individual, and the only person who can fix her is herself. She has to want that too.

Therefore, my love for her is unconditional, despite what she has done. This doesn't mean I have to tolerate unfaithfulness.

I still love all the people I have ever loved, even the ones who hurt me, betrayed me, or let me down. I cut them from my life as they no longer bring a positive situation or safety to my life. So they are gone, but I hope they are well.

You must treat me well to hold a place in my life. When I no longer make time for you, return your calls, or reach out, it is not because I don't love and forgive you but because I love and prioritize myself.

Time is finite, so you must earn your time with me or I will find another way to spend it. But I will always care and hope you are well.

Sometimes it feels that here on SI people struggle more with trying to love those who no longer deserve that love. I actually think people try to forgive those who don't deserve it, and a choice to do so would be detrimental--just the opposite of what you propose. Or maybe not.

Everyone on here has a unique personality and so does their spouse. Every relationship is different. We bring to this forum our personalities and life experiences. We then try to extrapolate that out to strangers. We all make choices every day. Some of them are so stupid that a price must be paid. When I read of a cheater being deliberately cruel to their victim(spouse) I see no need for forgiveness . I see the need for a quick divorce and NC. If I see true penitence then I hope a marriage can be saved. Sadly, at that point the cheater holds all the cards. Be humble and thankful for your bs, or be an ass. After that the bs gets the deck. Forgiveness, or moving on. There is no right way. Only what gets you back to finding some peace of mind. Your mental, emotional and physical health have been compromised by another. How you process that should be from a strong sense of self worth.

You are right that forgiveness is a choice. Setting a timeline for it is personal. I didn't forgive my WW until after we separated which was 4 years after DDay1. In fact is was over a year after we separated. Forgiveness allowed the burden of anger to slip away.

I very much disagree with the statement about my love being conditional if I don't love her now. I loved her for a long time well into the 4 years following DDay1. That love was slowly but surely killed.

I don't wish her badly (anymore). I care for her and hope she is well. I would help her if she were in desperate need (I think). But I don't love her with the love one has for the most important person in your life that you would sacrifice everything for. That love died.

I still haven't forgiven my exw. I'm still working on it and that's ok for me. Forgiveness comes naturally, something you can't force or control. Kinda like healing. To me there is no timeline. I know everyday I'll come closer to forgiveness just as my healing has allowed me.

It took me 15 years to forgive my brothers friend who knew the answers to my brothers death. He basically played the cheaters handbook. Lie, deny, gaslight etc. But ultimately I knew it was me holding myself hostage in my own mind. I would never know. I accepted that and really never think about that old "friend" who lied, denied, gaslit etc. I let go of not knowing and what it was and is.

I'll get there one day soon. Thank you for this post. I realized I've walked this path before, completely different but I will get there. I have tears of joy knowing what I've been through and forgave before. Thank you 36!

I don't care about forgiveness. I'd rather shoot for indifference. I feel like I hit it, and I'm fine with that. I don't need to feel like I'm some kind of saint or anything, so going above and beyond indifference does nothing for me.

I chose to forgive my unfaithful fiance'within months following her affair. I also chose to not reconcile, due to the infidelity. I understood and accepted what led to it, but didn't feel the need to reconcile, despite forgiving her.

I reasoned, understanding her underlying issues didn't translate to compromising my own relationship standards and principles. She was my first love and we're still great friends after 20 years. You can forgive the one that hurt you and at the same time, leave the one you love.

Forgiveness and reconciliation are not synonymous.

[This message edited by Jorge at 9:48 PM, March 10th (Tuesday)]

Forgiveness simply means the betrayed doesn’t need to continue carrying all the crap dumped on them by the unfaithful spouse.

How has this impacted your marriage? You've posted lately about your decision to R, and your decision to move back home, but your posts reflect your inner, private thoughts and feelings. What is happening in your marriage?