SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Random question for any wayward spouses here ... did you actually end up with your affair partner? Asking because I just found out that one of my best friends (one of the only three people who know my husband cheated) just told me recently that she "made out" with a married friend who had been pursuing her for awhile (told her he's in love with her, his marriage isn't based on love, but won't leave his kids etc.). She said she always pushed him back because she's not that type of person. Her father cheated on her mother and she said she has empathy for the wife being cheated on. In any case, she is going through a divorce herself (not because of cheating) but recently she "gave in" and acted on what she also had apparently been feeling about him but didn't know until they made out. She apparently stopped it before anything "serious" happened, but is now kicking herself because she's lost a "good" friend and is heartbroken from not being able to be with him because he's married.

I ask also because when I found out my husband cheated, I pushed him toward the other woman because I wasn't convinced he didn't do it because of me. In one of the emails I found between them, she was so pathetic calling him her 'twin flame' and talking about how he's scared of happiness with her, but he always insisted to me he wasn't in love with her despite what she thinks and it was a 'mistake' that should never have happened and of course he loves me blah, blah...

(In marriage counselling, the counsellor said that just because I would only cheat because I no longer love my spouse, it doesn't mean that that's his reason. I do understand now this can be true.)

I tried to be supportive of my friend ("maybe he will realize he doesn't have to be in a loveless marriage and it was you all along") but it's hard not to be disappointed in her and think about how she told me repeatedly that my husband's affair was not because of me... Why would she think this "friend" is actually in love with her? I think I trust that she would not be the other woman, but I'm not really sure how to support her.

In any case, I'm just wondering if there are affairs out there that actually work? If so, why not just leave your spouse cleanly and start what you think is an amazing relationship on an honest footing? Is it so much to ask? Why inflict so much pain on someone you may have loved at some point? (Honest questions - not meant to complain or ridicule wayward spouses.)

Why would she think this "friend" is actually in love with her?

Because she has a void, she is in a bad place, and she is hurting. It has zero to do with him, his "love," him being wonderful, his M, none of it.

She is feeling (maybe) bad, lonely, old, discarded, whatever.

Married man risking it all (in her mind) to pursue her. Such a compliment! The ego kibbles she is getting!

Boom. Filling that void. A cheater is born. If she doesn't go through this D, this bad time, or he doesn't pursue her, then she maybe never becomes an OW. So very sad for so many people. This MM is obviously also filling a void and NOT confronting his true issue inside himself. This woman is merely a distraction for him to help fill the hole inside.

One thing is for sure--these are not two healthy people choosing soulmates. No, these are two damaged people choosing what's available (low hanging fruit) to fill a void inside of them.

She made out with a married man, so she's already an OW, in my opinion. She's also demonstrating very wayward thought patterns, because all her regret is about her, what she can't have, and what she lost by crossing the line. She shows no remorse for the damage already inflicted on the BW.

Do affair partners ever go the distance? Rarely. A famous example is Charles and Camilla. He was married to the most popular woman in the world and still cheated on her with an older, unattractive MOW. When their A went public, her BH was humiliated and demanded a divorce. It's a situation with all the typical hallmarks of failure -- broken, morally compromised people; affairing down; community censure (in this case, the community was global, so she was reviled on the front page). And yet, they seem to be very happy together, far more than he was with the beautiful young wife who loved him.

But you're talking sweepstakes odds here. Most waywards are happy with AP because it's all limerent fantasy. Once they leave the spouse for the AP, the escapism is over, and the real world intrudes. Instead of "you're gorgeous and perfect the way you are," it's "you spend too much money, you could stand to lose a few pounds, you let your kids get away with murder, I think you're cheating on me." It's starting a marriage at a heavy disadvantage, and it very rarely works out.

Probably not impossible, but very unlikely. Looking at the foundation that the new relationship would be based on, makes success shaky at best. Trust would be in question due to "If they'll cheat with you, they'll cheat on you". Add that aspect to the fact that newness wears off and reality sets in....

i know someone personally who cheated with her husband best friend. he was the best man in their wedding now the cheater and the other om is married, they seem pretty happy with their actions but KARMA will come knocking on their door sooner than later.

All I know is my first WH left me for his AP, who he 'was in love with'. They had a child, got married, and soon after divorced. Once a cheater always a cheater in his case.

I honestly can't think of anyone I know who has ended up happy with their AP, except one person. She was very young when she married her first H. She cheated with the man she has now been married to for over 30 years, and they seem happy.

We actually have studies on this. It's about 2% of the time that the spouse leaves for the AP, marries and does not D. The other 98% of the time, it either flames out (most of them) or winds up in D (the vast majority that marry their AP).

We always make fun of men (rightfully) for doing something like "marrying a stripper". No offense to strippers, but meeting one for the purpose of M has a very, very low overall success rate. That said, I think it's safe to say, "I'm getting married to a 20 year old stripper" as a 45 year old guy is probably more likely to lead to "happily ever after" than imagining yourself marrying an AP. Both are pretty darn stupid, if you're trying to get married, you really shouldn't start your search at either the strip club OR an A. Strip clubs are great places to get a lap dance, but a terrible place to meet the "Future Mrs. RIO". Just like A's are a great place to have sex with someone new, but an awful place for meeting a future H/W, having a mutually respectful relationship, having an honest relationship, or.. Really anything other than "getting some" on the side. They excel at that, there's no arguing that fact in my eyes, but basically suck at everything else.

My grandfather left my grandmother for the OW. He married OW and they were together for 50 years. I have no doubt that they were happy together but after my grandfather died my dad and his siblings cut contact with OW. She spent so much time and energy trying to steal another woman's family, but in the end they didn't consider her one of them.

Yes they do. Life doesn't always go the way you think it should. My grandma was the ow and married and lived happily ever after.

My brother left his first wife for his AP. They have now been married longer than his first marriage. Notice I never said happily. His first wife is kind, honorable, loyal and educated. His current wife is a gold digging, vile person that my brother works out of town 95% of the time to avoid. She gives her family money hand over fist. She doesn’t work. She saw dollar signs and an ability to come between my brother and his first wife. My brother is absolutely no saint. His first marriage could’ve been saved if my brother had only taken a moment to see HIS faults instead of blaming everything on his first wife. He has a temper and lacks emotional maturity. So his current miserable marriage that he is now trapped in is karma

[This message edited by Loyal2Afault at 9:29 AM, December 15th (Tuesday)]

My father left my mother for his AP, one of many in their 22 years

He soon cheated on her with another AP then moved in with that one before leaving her destitute and marrying his next AP

He is still married to this one but living in entirely different countries and haven’t seen or spoke to each other in maybe a decade

He is now happily moving from one GF to the next and I have no idea if they overlap or not these days

FYI - I am not my father

The people that I know married the AP either ended up divorced.

Others that were the OW/OM and never married the AP- the relationship didn’t last.

And those that stayed married were miserable b/c one of them was cheating.

Depends how well the APs know each other. In the Charles/Camilla situation that predated the marriage. I do wonder if Diana would have ever found permanent happiness. It wasn't really trending that way for her.

John/Yoko was another situation. Cynthia Lennon had about 5 marriages after that.

I think there are a number of situations, where the OW is a personal assistant or something like that, where the APs know each other, that they overcome the tawdry origins. And the betrayed partner struggles to find happiness. Sorry. I was left in this way.

Years ago there was a married “rich guy” in our church he was 50, his wife was of another faith and rarely came to the church.

He creeped me out because he was flirty with the ladies. I had my Wife and daughter stay clear of him. I smelled predator all over him.

He caught the attention of a married 32 year old lady and they started an affair. It was becoming very obvious and finally they were asked to leave the church.

They both divorced their spouses and got married. I saw a post recently that they just celebrated their 10 year anniversary. Very shocking, I never thought it would last but I wonder how many A’s he has squeezed into those 10 years.

I know several people still married to their AP. They are not the romances of the century. You don’t change your basic character, or personality, because you moved into another relationship. You are still you. If you were a miserable, whiney baby you probably still are.

Yet, some of the WS simply married the wrong person the first time around. If they found a better fit the second time they stay married.

[This message edited by Cooley2here at 10:08 AM, December 15th (Tuesday)]

Not a wayward but didn't see a stop sign so I'll reply.

I'm just wondering if there are affairs out there that actually work?

xWH and OW#2 were together for about 12 years, so they did stay together. Did it "work?" Sure, if you count the times they fought, cheated on one another, were in and out jail for various things, etc. Were they genuinely happy? I highly doubt it. xWH was miserable and went through some depression for a time. They may or may not be together still as I don't talk to him about anything other than kids.

Edit to add: he didn't really "leave" me for her. I suggested that we live separately when I moved to the new state (he was already here and hooking up with her, hence the reason she became #2). I am the one who finally decided to file for D; he never would have done it. It was easier for him to have the wife and kids in one home while he had his fun in another, and I wasn't going to accept that.

[This message edited by newlife03 at 10:41 AM, December 15th (Tuesday)]

My dad married the woman he left my mom for. They stayed married about 15 years and then divorced. (I'm sure there was infidelity.) He then married a woman who was 30 years younger, had a baby, and she ended up having an affair with her boss and leaving HIM. (KARMA!)

My friend married her AP. They have been married about 3 years now. Neither solved their own issues before marrying and I don't see it working out long term. She regrets leaving her husband and would re-do it all if given the chance.

Another friend married her older by 20 years very wealthy boss after they were caught in an affair (having sex at work). They were both married (his kids were in high school and she had none). They have two children now and have been married about 10 years. I'd guess that will last because he's old and his health is starting to fail.

I'd be willing to bet ANY relationship that starts from an affair is screwed up in some way. Healthy people do not have affairs. Healthy people act like grown ups and either talk to their spouse or get separated or divorced. Most people only take a hard look at themselves when faced with the consequences of what they've done. If they move directly into a new relationship from the middle of their last, there's no doubt in my mind that they'll take the same baggage. So even some marriages that last? Still full of unhealthy people that are either too old or conflict avoidant or don't have the opportunity to cheat as easily, not a great love story. My friend in the second example has said that she doesn't ever want to get divorced again, so I'd imagine she'll stay even if she's miserable to avoid being divorced for the third time (and proving all of the people who told her that marrying her AP was a mistake and further proving that he wasn't her soulmate after all.)

[This message edited by TX1995 at 10:46 AM, December 15th (Tuesday)]

One of my friends is now engaged to her AP and it was a horrible messy affair where her photo was posted on "She's A Homewrecker" and they are STILL together, its probably been 4 years. She has to hide it all thought still.

My sisters husband left her for his AP and they were married and had two kids and then he cheated on her and left her.

I think there are all sorts of different scenarios that can happen.

[This message edited by pinkpggy at 11:10 AM, December 15th (Tuesday)]

My grandmother was the WS and my step-grandfather the (unmarried) OM. They were married over 30 years until her death. I can’t personally judge whether happily, since she died before I was born, but my dad says they were. He was the OM’s stepson, later adopted and took his last name—his biological father was my grandmother’s BH. My grandmother went on to have more children with step-grandfather/OM.

My parents were both married to others when they met They left their spouses immediately and got married a year later. They have been married for 48 years but it has not been a happy marriage. My mom had 3 more A's while with my dad. They still fight and my mom is caretaker to my dad who has cancer and she tells me all the time how unhappy she is.