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I don't think it's fair because at this stage it doesn't sound like FTG is able to accept that she CAN don't go for whatever reason. But more importantly that she shouldn't ask for him to NOT go because she thinks 2 months into R is a long time, or doesn't want to seem controlling or that her feelings of safety are trumped by disappointing the cousin.

Prissy4Lyfe, that is definitely a factor. When he was deep in affair fog, one of the things he said was how controlling I was and how he felt "smothered" so I always have a twinge of worry when I am asking him for something. He always obliges willingly, but its in the back of my head for sure!

13YearR - that is a huge factor, too! Him and his cousins have been best friends their entire life, and it means so very much to him that WH is there. Add in the fact that WH's dad paid all this money for them to go together and I feel like a complete jerk asking him to abandon his family because I'm scared/nervous. I know I am his priority (as I should be) but I know its a tough situation I would be putting them all in.

You said the lake is nearby. Would you feel better if he checked in with you in person or slept at home?

I guess saying it was close was a stretch...its about 4 hours away, so that unfortunately isn't possible, especially with drinking. If it was closer, I'm sure he would, though.

YOUR comfort and security TRUMPS everything else PERIOD!

You are not responsible for his family being disappointed and DO NOT take that burden. PERIOD.

HE is responsible for doing this to YOU!

So he needs to say...hey I fucked up. Sorry guys. See you at the wedding and be done with it.

I want to add here FTG...you are the only person in this situation whose feelings should be guiding his decision. Not his dad's, friends or cousins.

And it's OKAY for you to say I don't like this shit. and mean it. It's okay to NOT compromise. It's okay to DON"T go and leave him to figure out how to tell his family.

[This message edited by prissy4lyfe at 5:44 PM, Tuesday, August 17th]

What work is he doing on himself,to become a safe partner?

FTG, do you want him to stay home?

I remember being in this sort of position and not wanting him to go, but also not NOT wanting him to go.

Sure, he should do whatever you ask because he's the one who fucked up, but you're the one who has to decide what your ask is. It's a tough spot.

What a crappy position to put you in, FairyTaleGone (I was gonna use "FTG" to abbreviate but... ).

Do you have any friends/family where he's going so you could ride with him and you can hang out with said friends/family while he goes to the party? That way, when it's over, you and he can sleep at the hotel together. Just a random thought.

[This message edited by Lalagirl at 6:12 PM, Tuesday, August 17th]

I agree completely with Prissy. All you need to do is tell him you don't feel comfortable with him going. Let him figure out what to tell people, how to deal with it, etc. That isn't for you to worry about. If you don't want him to go then tell him that. A bachelor party this soon is a LOT. It doesn't matter if it was planned before. It doesn't matter.

In my opinion, do NOT tell him what to do!!

However, since it's only been a couple of months, I would certainly tell him that you're NOT good with him going to do this.

You can't control what he does, however you can sit back and watch what he does.

If he's truly putting the work in, and showing that he can be a safe partner, than he'll realize your feelings Trump his cousins or what he wants to do in this situation.

Reconciliation isn't just done by words. Nope!! It's done by one action at a time, and if he chooses to go (and it doesn't matter that his dad will be there) he's flat out showing you that it's about him and what he wants.

So it's a bachelor party.....so freaking what. Fact of the matter, it's only been a couple of months, and it's WAY too early for him to be traveling ANYWHERE for crying out loud.

Think about what's going to go on in your head the entire time he's there. It doesn't matter if he checks in. There will be drinking, partying, more than likely strippers and other women, they'll go out partying as well, and there certainly WILL be opportunities to do something that could blow up this "attempt" at reconciliation.

He feels smothered or you don't "trust him"??? Says the guy who has NO reason to be trusted and the guy who knows what a burner phone is and how to use it.

Again, sit him down, tell him very calmly that you're very uncomfortable with him going.

Listen, when your freaking spouse LIES to you (to your face--countless times), CHEATS on you with another woman, uses a burner phone, trickle truths to you as well.....that person, due to their OWN ACTIONS, have put themselves on an EXTREMELY short leash of trust, and thus he either gets this or he doesn't.

"But I'll miss my cousins bachelor party". BOO FREAKING WHO!!! Should have thought about that when you stuck your dick in another woman!!

Let him decide what he's going to do after you've told him you're not comfortable with this.

Do NOT do it in a passive aggressive way!!!

Tell him how you feel, but you will not tell him what to do. He's a grown ass man and he can decide.

Then sit back and watch.

Is his cousin and a party more important than his wife, who he STABBED in the back, and he's sincerely trying to show her he understands what he's done and he's committed to doing whatever is necessary to rebuild the trust that he DESTROYED and to put another building block for you to see that he's ALL IN to not just talking about being a safe partner but actually SHOWING you.

Just because you're attempting reconciliation doesn't mean it's going to work.

He decides to go.....let him go!! Do NOT pout, cry, get angry, try to reason with him, negotiate with him, etc etc.

LET HIM GO!!

When he's gone, and he calls to check in, do NOT answer the call. He made his choice. Your feelings were secondary. You now going to play small talk with this guy as he tries to tell you how innocent things are up there??

The bachelor party and the trip isn't the issue.

It's whether or not he chooses to go, and he has FREE VOLITION to decide on his own, and he either sees the big picture or he doesn't and it's NOT up to you to show him or convince him.

He decides to go, chalk it up that he's NOT all in, and it will be another example that he is NOT a safe partner.

It is HIS FAULT that he would disappoint his family by not being there. Not your fault. It is 100% his fault and he should own that and explain that to his family. Period.

He should never even considered going if he really wants R. He isn't even willing to give up a fun trip and endure some embarrassment about why he can't go after what he did to you?? That is beyond disappointing.

My take:

You are a decent person trying to be fair even in the aftermath of your WH's betrayal. You see his side of the issue. You see why it would be important to him to go to the bachelor party even after his infidelity. At the same time your trust has been shattered and his going to the party causes you anxiety. As it should under the circumstances.

I'm with booyah, it's up to your WH to show you the same consideration. If he goes it tells you about his priorities. If he goes, keep yourself busy. Don't engage if he calls. File his acions away. Just more evidence that your M is not a priority to him. If he was truly concerned about your feelings, he would not go. Simple as that.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 12:52 AM, Wednesday, August 18th]

You’re worried about being considered "controlling" and "smothering" because those were excuses he used for cheating. And worried about the money his father spent. And his cousin being disappointed. And your husband being disappointed. And what people will think.

Worried about everything but yourself when he’s the one who cheated.

He should have enough sense not to go. No one should have to tell him that. He should be able to sense your uncomfortableness. But don’t tell him what to do. Be honest that you’re uncomfortable. And then watch his actions. He’ll show you his priorities.

I understand your fear and anxiety.

I think this is a tough situation. His Dad paid all this money and honestly I would feel "somewhat ok" with his dad there and attending. I’m sure he will not let anything happen on his watch.

I remember my H going to a guys weekend just after his affair Dday and his decision to D me. I had him go with a good friend - thinking that would stop him from contacting the OW. How STUPID was I!!

If they are going to cheat - they will cheat. The cheaters will find a way if that is what they want to do.

Giving up control over situations is very very difficult. I wish I had a better answer for you. You need to do what is best for you.

And for what it’s worth most cheaters tell the betrayed they are "controlling". Especially when the betrayed is questioning or suspicious.

If his father is aware of the A and is one of your supporters, this might be ok.
If his father doesn't know: tell him and express your reservations.

All in all WH should not be going to a drunk fest weekend with old buddies (I wonder how many old buddies know about this A and I wonder if they thinkin'.. oh wow, she's hot.. you got that!!). I wonder if they have strippers or some such secretly all lined up.

Tread very carefully.

it wasn't until this morning when we talked about it on the way to work and he was detailing what they were going to do that I got that sinking feeling in my stomach.

What are they going to be doing that is making you feel uneasy?

This seems completely unacceptable to me. When you commit adultery and you want to actually repent, you turn body and mind and soul in the direction of that repentance. Otherwise, it is pointless. The grave injury and mortal sin (yes it is a sin even if you’re not spiritual; even atheists understand the depravity of mankind) of adultery requires nothing less. Those who cannot transform their lives entirely are not remorseful. It’s pretty simple.

In my opinion, do NOT tell him what to do!!

However, since it's only been a couple of months, I would certainly tell him that you're NOT good with him going to do this.

You can't control what he does, however you can sit back and watch what he does.

I agree.

Tell him how you feel, about how terrible this weekend will be for you. After he goes through all of the steps he is taking to reassure you, tell him how you still feel, about how it is still is going to be horrible for you. And then watch.

This is a test, and tests are good. They let you know where you stand, one way or another. They give you truth.

Sending strength, FTG!

We talked a lot yesterday. I told him about my concerns with him drinking to excess and impairing his judgement. That is the main thing I am worried about, him drinking too much and making terrible decisions. I’m not concerned with strippers or anything because his cousin is adamantly against them, always has been (he used to live with us). I told him that the situation is making me extremely anxious and uncomfortable and he offered a few things to make me feel better.

The very first thing he offered was for him to not go at all, and the alternative to that was for us to switch phones and he checks in hourly, and does not get drunk. I appreciate that he is willing to not go and that he would be willing to switch phones, check in and not drink.

The bachelor party (from what I’ve read in their email/text chain) is supposed to be low-key. They rented a big house on the lake, they’re pitching in for food/alcohol, playing backyard games and fishing. My concerns isn’t so much that he would go to a bar and pick up a random girl or whatever, so much as AP reaching out (like she does) and him being just drunk enough to text her back.

I guess I truly need to figure out what I want here. I am nervous about him going and being away from me, but at the same time, I don't want to disappoint so many people, and I know that my 13yr old DD could probably use some one on one time with me. She unfortunately knows so much about what is going on (thanks to WH’s drunken tirade after I caught him texting AP again in the beginning) I’m just torn. But I at least appreciate that he is seemingly willing to do whatever I need.

[This message edited by FairyTaleGone at 2:53 PM, Wednesday, August 18th]

You're worried about external factors, such as 1) drinking, and 2) the AP, that might influence your H's behavior.

Ultimately, you will never be able to control the externals.

What work has WH done *internally* to make himself a safe partner? Is he in IC?