SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'm not sure how to go about this. I was here years ago. Truly remorseful, willing to do anything to heal my marriage after an affair with a married OM. Tried to make amends with my BH & OM's W since she was an active poster here as well. I felt like I made good progress on healing me - for crying out loud, I had almost 9,000 posts here and wrote articles in the Healing Library.

Now, I've done it again - 12 years later. This time, a much different affair. The last, almost exclusively physical, this time, very much emotional and physical. I actually have a hard time differentiating the 2 because in my mind, they are linked.  Linked because of childhood trauma - maybe. I felt very sure the first tine around, this time I'm not as quick to assign blame or a reason. Maybe it's a personality disorder. I'm not clear.

Last time - OM was attractive to me, but only physically and came about right after having my kids. No emotional ties until close to the end, just acting out to help escape. It was done on Dday - Done done. No break in NC, apologies all the way around.

This time - OM was an old friend. We were very close in high school and college, then for a short while after that. We've stayed in contact off and on throughout the years, and in the fall of 2016 started messaging me. I've never felt like I've needed to enforce boundaries or be careful with him because we were "just friends". Although, if I'm being honest with myself there were periods of time in my life that more romantic feelings started to develop (prior to me meeting my BH) and there wasn't action taken on them. Anyway, he and I are from a small town miles from where I live now, he was working here, and was bored and lonely. I asked if he wanted to meet me for pizza and beer one night. We did, talked for hours and went our separate ways. The messages picked up and we met more frequently - lunches, a workout, etc. It spiralled quickly and because an EA/PA that went on for months. BH discovered, and I went underground with it, then trickle truthed before finally NC. OM lives with a long term girlfriend and their kids.

BH is obviously devastated. He doesn't want to stay. I get it. I think we were both sticking it out for the kids initially, as we've got one on the spectrum who struggles day to day and another with some anxiety/depression who is a cutter at times. They aren't easy kids to parent. I've half heartedly read some articles, went to IC for a few months. Mostly, I'd like to bury my head in the sand. I'm going to be very honest here. I struggle with control issues. I'm sure it's due to abuse as a child or whatever, but I "run the show" with everything. I am always the one to take on projects at work, be promoted, get raises. I have been to see multiple ICs starting back after the first affair. I have never had one that has been able to get to the root of my issues and breakthrough. Within minutes, I am controlling the session and steering it, subconsciously. I don't mean to at all. I go in with the very best intentions, want to heal and figure out why in God's name I use affairs to escape from life, but have never been successful with IC. It makes me not want to spend the time and money, only to bulldoze another professional.

I've always felt like BH was angry and never really forgave the last A, although he may be right when he tells me that's something I carry around with me. He has spent years being angry, sometimes at/about the kids, sometimes just in general. It's not an excuse for an affair - geez, you'd think I would have known better the second time around, right?

This post feels super disjointed and like a mess, but I'm not sure even how to express things, or if I want to utilize SI again. The most important person who helped guide and support me last time is gone (DS truly is an angel now), last time I was such a prolific poster that BH felt he couldn't use SI for his healing, and I guess I kind of bulldozed my way around here for years, just like I do everything in life.

So, all in all, I'm not sure what I'm looking for on SI. I felt the need to post again - maybe because I've started obsessively reading here again? Not sure...I think I really need to be called out on my shit.

What do you want to hear? He gave you the chance to prove yourself after you absolutely devastated him once, perhaps finally started to feel safe after X number of years, and then you did it again.

Why? How? How could someone so acutely aware of the devastation wrought by infidelity, who spent so much time in the company of both betrayers and those who have been betrayed, sifting through all the different aspects and feelings and consequences, do this again? How did you not get to the bottom of what was broken within you the first time around after all that?

I'll be honest. This is horrific. Well and truly horrific. I can only imagine how much pain your BH is in and I feel so sorry for him that he stayed and gave you that chance to become better.

I agree. It is horrible, horrific.

I don't know the answers, and I'm not sure why I posted. I certainly expect to hear many more posts like yours, and completely deserve it.

No stop sign. I'm a BW for full disclosure.

You sound very detached in your post, to me there is no real regret for the hurt and devastation done to your husband, indeed you go directly to how angry hrs been since your previous affair. I wonder how much resentment you've been holding against him for this.

How long did you take your second affair underground? Did you finally confess out did your husband have to discover the truth for himself again? Have you told your AP's GF the truth of the affair?

My biggest fear for my future.

You post no stop sign. I have no 2 x 4. Just a lot of questions.

Why? Why after so much time. So much work. Didn't you see yourself falling into old patterns? Feel yourself sliding down that slippery slope? Did you know you crossed a boundary by even meeting with him? And with every communication since?

What were your thoughts every step further down that path when you came home and looked at your spouse...your kids...

You had to know at every step you took that this was not only wrong but each step was a step further down the wrong path.

Why didn't you just stop when you knew you were crossing the point of no return? What were you getting out of this?

I'm not asking to rub salt in you. I promise.

More for my own ... I don't know...my own...well...this is my biggest fear. And my WH AP was the unrequited "love" of his youth. That this could all happen again. My heart is breaking through the projection of it all - that this one day - despite everything - could be my WH. I could be the victim of this. Again. Knowledge is power.

I ask sincerely - is this like an addiction - is a wayward forever in recovery? Does the F before W really ever apply? In any circumstance? Does your story have to be the ending after so much time and hard work for everyone involved?

Sorry for the reason that you're back, but welcome back.

Is the latest OM fully out of the picture now?

Duplicate

[This message edited by Justsomeguy at 5:38 PM, May 7th (Tuesday)]

Just read your profile and I just don't get how you did this again. I feel really badly for your BS. I hope that he can find healing and peace. What your post has made me question if any WS can ever truly get it. I'm wondering what you are hoping to get out of posting here? A third chance? Absolution? My IC once asked me if I would change spots with my WW.. I answered not in a bloody minute. I would never want that burden. I'm sorry, but I could not pass this post with commenting. I am just gobsmacked.

[This message edited by Justsomeguy at 5:39 PM, May 7th (Tuesday)]

Is it possible you don’t really want to be married but are looking for an “out”?

Completely done with OM. I just could not do it anymore. Since I was asked - physical went on for 3-4 months after discovery. Texting once in awhile for another year. No more physical contact.

I don't have any idea why I am posting here. I'm not looking for SI to give me redemption, and like I said...I feel badly now that I took this site away from BS last time. Honestly, this is the first time I've put this all out there. It feels gross and barfy.

No stop sign, gently it doesn't seem that you're even remorseful this time but that you're trying to understand or to find out why you did this again after so many years, maybe you didn't have any consequences the first time around and rugswept the whole thing or maybe it's because you simply wanted to, the fact is that you (again) made the conscious decision to betray your H and your family in the worst possible way, let's be honest you didn't care enough about him, otherwise you would have never done this yet again.

Is this 2nd A over ? have you apologized to ALL family and close friends ? you're BH doesn't want to stay and rightly so, have you offered him an easy D with no alimony/spousal support and joint custody ? have you offered to move out of the house since it was you who created this mess ?

I've thought about the question if I want to be married at length. I think so? I love my H, I just don't know after all I've put him through how we can have a long, happy marriage. We've had a long marriage...much of it has been a struggle because of my actions.

I really hesitated to re-introduce myself because I knew this could be a huge trigger and setback for BSs here. I'm sorry that I've done that. Hell, I really am sorry about all of it, all the way around.

You say you feel badly that you took SI away from your BS last time, but this happens, he returns, and now here you are again. You're doing it again.

We cross-posted.

More apologies. Actions speak louder than words. But you already knew this.

I agree. I'm back again. He encouraged me to start reading here, and it felt pretty voyeuristic to just read. But you're right. I don't need to post, I can just read.

As for the d, we've already worked it out. He gets the rental house because there's equity and affordable, we sell our family home and split the assets and custody 50/50. I don't want alimony or child support. We are both free to walk away, and honestly, we would both be fine financially. It's been talked about at length, we just can't seem to pull the trigger.

Does the girlfriend know?

Honestly, I dont believe you were truly remorseful,or you did the real work on yourself. Otherwise, you never would have done it again. You were probably regretful, and complying the last time. And faking your way through reconciliation.

As with Chaos, this is my biggest fear.

I'm going to assume that you were aware that you were making poor decisions before you ended it completely, so what kept you going? Love for OM? Limerance? Were you seeking out validation? Looking back on it now, did you not heal? Did you not actually change? There's a lot of anxiety driven questions for me, I'm not here to swing a 2x4 and I'm glad you are at least seeking SI out again.

I think the fear is that my WW will eventually cross boundaries again and not choose me.

I've never felt like I've needed to enforce boundaries or be careful with him because we were "just friends".

This might be a good place to start your journey of self-discovery. You didn't feel you needed to have *any* boundaries with this individual. Why is that?

Obviously, you didn't see this continuing contact as a threat to your marriage, even though it was "platonic." Why is that?

When things started to spiral, why was your reaction to go with the flow vs. putting a stake in the ground for your marriage and your integrity?

It may be too late for your marriage, but it is never too late to become a better person--someone who understands boundaries and the slippery slope and how what you thought was an innocent lunch turned into an affair. There were steps and danger signs along the way--why did you ignore them and continue? What were those signs and what did you tell yourself to give yourself permission to ignore them.

Bottom line, if your BH is like me with regards to dealing with a serial cheater, it's unfathomable why someone *we* love so much could deliberately hurt us so badly with very little insight into why and how and how it will be different next time.

Is looking at yourself so distasteful that you avoid it at all costs? I don't know if it is a control issue as much as it might be an avoidance issue. Something to consider.

At this point, the only person you can control or change is you. If you're not happy where you are now, or with the choices you have made, you cannot change them, but you can change how you move forward.

Cat

Actions do speak louder than words.

I put on a very good front, but I haven't walked the walk.

So why haven't you walked the walk? Why make 8700 posts on a web forum devoted singularly to the topic of infidelity? Why write material for the Healing Library? What was the point of all that stuff if you never cared to fix the behaviors that led to what you did in the first place?

My sense is deep down you don't feel like there's anything actually wrong with you, or that even if you do, you can't find it within yourself to actually care. Your posts are very clinical, like you're some kind of outside observer and not the woman who has put a good man through hell twice for no reason other than pure selfishness. There's no sense that you actually feel what you've done, that you actually feel the depth of self-hatred and self-disgust that someone who has done what you have done ought to be all but consumed with.

[This message edited by firenze at 6:15 PM, May 7th (Tuesday)]