SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I stumbled upon my wife's affair. We had a discussion about her phone and she assumed I had uncovered something about her affair. I had no clue and cant begin to describe my shock when she began to tell me about her affair. Blindsided to say the least. I'm thankful she confessed but have been bothered that it took an accident. I may still be in the dark were it not for some good luck. How did you find out, and does it matter? For me, reconciliation would be much easier had she confessed on her own.

I begged my husband to tell me. I knew in my gut. The furthest I could get him to go was that he had a crush on this woman, but she was married, clueless and nothing would ever come of it. That was a lie. We were actively in marriage counseling and on a supposed romantic getaway to try to get the spark back when I saw the message from her. Apparently he couldn't leave her out of our romantic getaway. I think the fact that he had multiple opportunities to come clean and he didn't is a great hinderance in our reconciliation.

I really don’t think it matters. My 3 d days .. 1STD confession , 2nd. Suspected affair .. found message on his phone .. 3rd found 2nd phone .. suspected A for 10 years but nothing to bAck up the suspicion., he just wasn’t present emotionally .. and then I closed down .

Does it matter how you discovered the affair?

Everything matters. We all have to process what we know and don't know, and decide how to go forward. You think it would be easier if she just confessed on her own.

Maybe so, but since it didn't happen that way, you have to process the way it did happen, and her reactions now that you know.

My XH confessed some of the times without me catching him and the circumstances are such that I never would have known unless he came down with a disease or something. (He was also caught cheating at times he did not confess).

My current H got caught rather than confessing. But the circumstances and the amount of remorse shown by my current H are what made the difference for me. My main point is that I divorced my first H even though he confessed to some of his cheating and I have R'd with my current H who did not confess. There are a lot of other factors to consider.

For me, reconciliation would be much easier had she confessed on her own

I don’t know, as I learned of the A by his girlfriend contacting me. Coincidentally, her contact was a only a couple of days after I discovered a suspicious text on his phone that made my stomach drop, so I’d already planned to go thru his computer.

the mount of remorse shown by my current H are what made the difference

makes sense to me

[This message edited by gmc94 at 12:08 PM, October 21st, 2019 (Monday)]

What matters most is that their shouldn't have been an affair to discover.

There are truly horrific ways to find out that your WS or WSO is or was cheating.

Some I can list from reading other member's posts are;

Catching them in the act, getting a STD or STI while you are not cheating, being told by the AP who is bragging, finding out through their email or texts, your WS or WSO confesses and the list goes on.

In my case I was informed by the BS of my former friend. She had hired a PI to follow her WH who found out he was cheating with my ExWW. I am glad she told me because I had no clue that my ExWW was cheating and that I was not the father of her child.

While the ways a BS or BSO finds out are different, many times, the pain and results are the same.

I am sorry you are here.

I have suspected so many A's of my FWH but I never could get proof & he certainly wasn't telling me. The one I did have proof of, I hate the way I found out- it was my daughter, my young teen daughter at that - who told me.

Yeah I hate it.

I found out through sleuthing. He didn't deny it when I confronted him, but my evidence was also very solid. In hindsight, I should have held some cards closer to my chest to not give away sources of information.

What mattered most to me was that he didn't end the affair after confrontation. It took months, and now I'm not sure he even did end it as he asked for a divorce and seems to be with her again, although he denies it this time around.

I could see there being a difference if the affair had ended on its own and then the spouse wanted to come clean, knowing that the information could end the marriage but believing the BS had a right to make an informed decision. That seems less cowardly.

My wife confessed, but 18-years later.

And our relationship changed drastically during and after the A.

I'm glad she decided to tell me, but I don't know that the pain level is less than or greater than in other ways.

A few years of reading other people's stories, I think however the or whenever the truth is revealed, it's trauma.

The confession, the willingness to finally aim for an honest relationship has helped our rebuild. I don't think R is possible until both people are completely honest with each other.

I guess for me, it doesn't really matter how I found out. It just matters that he did it in the first place. I will say, the TT matters, a lot, and has had a major impact on moving forward.

I'm glad she decided to tell me, but I don't know that the pain level is less than or greater than in other ways.

A few years of reading other people's stories, I think however the or whenever the truth is revealed, it's trauma.

I was just thinking that the WS who chooses to disclose is perhaps more likely to be better R material. Unless it was in a "I'm in love with my cOW, I've already packed my things" kind of way. I can imagine that the pain is still the same. Also, since I discovered the affair really early on, I had less time to go over in my head of what parts of my life were a lie or not. Finding out 18 years later has got to be disorienting.

The OBS told me via facebook messenger after she discovered it by going through her husband's phone.

I think for me its a matter of I would prefer to have my WW to have come clean versus a stranger told me, but at the end of the day. It doesn't matter, I know, it wouldn't have changed the hurt and pain....

I was just thinking that the WS who chooses to disclose is perhaps more likely to be better R material.

Agree completely. A "unforced disclosure" is best case (in a horrible situation). Worst is lying about it and forcing the BS to hire a PI/snoop/etc. And everything else is some range in between, at least for me personally.

What matters most is that their shouldn't have been an affair to discover.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

THIS

I had a suspicion months before he was caught, but I never pushed him and he never copped to it. Once I pulled the phone records and saw her number on it 4 bazillion times I confronted him and he admitted he was fucking her.

What matters most is that their shouldn't have been an affair to discover.

AND

A few years of reading other people's stories, I think however the or whenever the truth is revealed, it's trauma.

I confessed, to everything. No trickle truth. Likely he would never have discovered it on his own - the AP was long distance, the OBS never contacted anyone upon discovery, and there really wasn't any evidence to speak of. I don't think it made anything easier. I am sure if I had trickle truthed that would have definitely made it harder. But, my guess from a WS perspective and knowing so many stories here that it didn't change anything. But, just like when you don't trickle truth, you provide an opportunity to begin earning back trust sooner.

I found out the day I came back from an overseas deployment expecting an amazing homecoming with my wife, the love of my life, and our infant daughter. There was no one there to greet me. Even though we had talked by phone the day before to work out the details of my unit’s return. She was already long gone living with him. I just wish she had the guts to tell me or even write a Dear John letter. I saw a lot of guys get those over the years. Instead she pulled my whole life out from under me in a split second. We have a cordial relationship because of our daughter but I still remember and wonder if she ever realized how the way she did this would affect me? If she ever realized the cruelty in it?

[This message edited by CincyKid at 2:03 PM, October 21st (Monday)]

IDK ... I think it depends on the WS.

A KISA WS who can't figure out how to stop could be a good R candidate even if the A was discovered by snooping.

A narc or borderline WS may be a poor candidate for R even if the WS confessed.

And even if confession might make R easier statistically, what counts is your specific WS, and statistics say nothing about specific cases.

The only accurate answer one can give to the original question here is, 'Maybe.'

Trauma is trauma. Trying to compare trauma seems futile.

In theory, I think we can all agree that a confession is better than finding out something accidentally, because in theory, a confession may indicate that the confessor has remorse, the affair is over, and the lying has stopped. That said, there are plenty of BS's who received confessions to the effect of, "I'm leaving you for someone else" - that seems pretty traumatizing.

My husband didn't confess. I stumbled upon it. He had literally hooked up with her the night before I found out. It obviously only ended because I found out. I have no idea how long it would have lasted had I not found that text. I think that's the painful part, particularly at first. Knowing that they would still be together right at that moment had you not come across it.

TJ/

Cincykid - ouch. I've seen some awful stuff here, but that seems specifically and acutely cruel. I'm sorry.

My WH confessed on DDAy 1 because the long term prostitute girl friend AP threatened to out him on FB and to come to my work to make sure I knew. He kept telling her would divorce me.

The second time he wanted to come clean. He told both of us he had ended the other relationship. This was a doozy.

The last time I pulled the truth out of him with threats and pure white fire anger. I found out he went to erotic massage parlours for 5 years and left this out for a year. Even after telling me everything and saying I swear it.

So I have had a chunk of the reveals. They all hurt. A lot.

If there is another reveal, my last words to him will be. I am done.

[This message edited by Tallgirl at 6:51 PM, October 21st (Monday)]