Married 18 years. Two teenaged daughters and a beautiful thoroughbred Labrador Retriever. Both of us working good jobs, kids are happy and both doing well in school and extracurricular activities, we own a nice home in the country…we can afford nice things, not rich or wealthy by any measure, but doing well. I could not ask for more, life was good…then…DDay.
DDay was early May 2020. The internet search history on our computer showed a search for “pros and cons of having an affair.” I did not dig for this or “snoop” for it. If you start a search in Google, sometimes it shows recent searches. It just popped up, it wasn’t like I was spying on her (this is relevant to the story, she deletes all internet searches now). I did not think much of it at the time. My wife likes to read and movies. I thought perhaps it was a book title, or a mystery show, or something like that.
A few days later the internet searches showed “John Doe divorce,” “John and Jane Doe divorce”, “John and Jane Smith-Doe divorce”, “John Doe Massachusetts divorce records.” This is aggressive searching if you ask me. John Doe is an ex-boyfriend from 26 years ago. He dumped WS and I don’t think she ever really got over it. I still did not think much of it. So she was searching her ex-boyfriend, so what, right?...Right??? Hello? She later told our counselor that she thought “he was the one.”
A few days later I was cooking breakfast. The phone charger is right next to the stove, her phone was on it. Up pops a message…from John Doe. My heart sank, my anxiety went through the roof and to this day it has not subsided. She was flirting with him and she was the more aggressive party in the interactions at first.
I confronted her about it… first was “why are you looking at my phone…” then “we’re just friends. We were getting reacquainted.” I mentioned the content, she said “well we’re friends ‘with history,’ that’s why it may seem a little more than just friends.” (friends “with history”). OK, but you need to tone it down. She agreed and a day later she read to me a message she sent to him, something like “I need to tone it down, I would like to get reacquainted, but we have to keep it light.” OK, good she’s being rational about it and I can’t dictate her friends.
Then the facebook messaging began. That “ding” that comes in when a message is received created a pavlovian response in me. I hear it in the grocery store, at work, anywhere and it sends chills down my spine. The messaging was incessant, constant, all day, early in the morning, late at night. I asked her to stop, she said she would not allow me to “control” her and “the more you try to control me the more I’m likely to do what I want, you are not going to control me.” That was a major blowout argument.
I woke up one night to get a drink of water and she was in the dining room staring at her phone, one simple look from me and I got “DON’T SAY ANYTHING!!!!” I knew what she was doing and she was doing exactly what I thought she was. That was a horrible feeling. One of the worst days of my life. I had just gotten yelled at in my own home because it hurt me to know that she was texting with her new/old boyfriend. Let me repeat, I was yelled at because I was hurt. If that isn’t adding insult to injury, I don’t know what is. She said it was fun, she enjoyed it and she was not going to stop. I was not going to “control” her.
She told me about all the things I’ve done in the past that led her to cheat. I admit I am not perfect and could have been better. I have changed since this and am now trying to make up for those things (I think I may have been doing the “pick me” dance as I’ve seen it described on this site. Embarrassing.) I didn’t show enough affection, I didn’t hold her hand enough, I didn’t support her when she tried to get the kids to do homework, I didn’t stand next to her enough at family gatherings, I didn’t do…I didn’t go…I didn’t help with... Sure, she told me about these things in the past and perhaps I should have done more. I didn’t know I was on the verge of losing my family because of it though. In March she sent me a text that said “I love you and I’m lucky to have you.” She would periodically say “I love you and I appreciate you.” She was a wonderful wife and I love her. I’ve done everything I can, I get no credit…she supposedly broke up with her boyfriend and thinks she deserves a medal. But I digress.
I started to snoop. The facebook messages were a nightmare. I’m not going to go into detail, but just imagine the worst that you could find in the messages between your WS and the OP. That’s what was in there. It did not take long from the message to him that said “we need to keep it light” to get right to the sexual content. My daughters used her phone occasionally, my God I hope they did not see some of the messages. It was hard to confront her about it, she would always go to the “YOU WILL NOT CONTROL ME” argument. I would be shell shocked and could not respond or did not know how to counteract that argument.
We started to try to do things together, hiking, walking the dog, biking again, watching TV shows. We started to watch Ozark together (it’s a show on Netflix). It was nice at first…but that %$#*@ phone, that [gosh darn] phone. We watched two episodes of Ozark back to back one night. They are about an hour each episode. That phone dinged for the entire two hours. The time watching was supposed to be our time. The next night we watched another episode…and the phone kept dinging. I asked her to stop (can you image that? She was sitting right in front of me, right in my face, messaging her boyfriend). “Can you not do that right in front of me?” So she got up, left the room, and turned on the TV in the bedroom and continued to message him. That led to a huge blowout and she left the house…and went and parked somewhere and kept messaging.
I suggested a marriage counselor and she agreed. The first meeting was a disaster. She told the counselor about all the things I did in the past and she never should have married me in the first place and stormed out of the room crying. The second meeting the counselor told her she can’t have two relationships, she said I’m not stopping contact with the OP and that ended the session. Stupid me said “well thanks for being honest.”
Few days later, first thing in the morning I see a message from OP… “OK, see you at 9.” She deleted her message, so all I saw was his. I got into the shower and asked “what do you have going on at work today?” … “Oh, the usual…did you see they are building a new gas station at the corner…” I told her I was contacting an attorney and we should start the mediation process, and oh say hello to OP for me and walked out. She still went, no remorse, right in my face. They went hiking, not sure what else, but…
The next day I asked her which day worked best to meet with the mediation attorney, she gave me a date and I left the house to go to work. She called me while I was still driving to work and said, “can we work this out?” I turned around, went back home and gave her a hug. “You want to work this out?” I asked…she said “yeah, let’s give it a go.” Yay, my wife is back and finally we can get on with life, right? Right??? Hello?…no, not so fast dummy.
I continued individual counseling with the same marriage counselor. I asked if my wife could join the next meeting, she said sure. So we had the meeting. Counselor asked the questions I was not comfortable asking (please, if your going through this get the hard questions out, confront, confront confront…if they love you and want to stay together it will be OK, otherwise run, get out of the relationship, you’ll never have peace if you don’t. It will eat away at your soul. It’s eating away at my soul as I type this. And they will just continue the relationship.)
Counselor: “So WS, you have ended the relationship with OP?” The answer, “No, I still communicate with him.” My jaw hit the floor…what did she mean by “can we work this out?” and “let’s give it a go?” How on earth could I have misinterpreted that? How could I be that stupid? Why am I still here? I have two kids that are near college, what do I do? I want out, but where do I go? Will my kids think less of me if I leave? I need to get away. I need something to change…what do I do? I did not discover SI until October, I wish I had this resource in May.
A series of confrontations followed. We got along OK, she was still affectionate. We still had sex. We still did things together. I tried to do all the things she said I was lacking and that led to her infidelity, after all it’s my fault. Right? It’s all my fault she cheated. “It takes two” she would say.
The next month is a blur (June 2020). They moved from facebook messenger to texting. I caught some of the texts. Again, just imagine the worst and it was there, up to and including nude photos. I was paralyzed, I did not know what to do. I’m not good at confrontations, I usually lose my cool. I continued to see the counselor who constantly asked “why do you want to live like that?” I didn’t, but did not know what to do. Counselor suggested setting a deadline. I did. I told my wife she needs to decide what she wants to do, it’s either him or me and she needed to decide by July 4th, Independence Day (this was mid June, the date was not intentional, but Independence Day fit). She said OK…and continued texting and even going to see him (I still don’t know when, how many times, or even if sex occurred…of course sex occurred, right? Right??? Hello?).
I came across another internet search “how long after your period do you ovulate.” I had a vasectomy, why on earth would a married woman in her early 50s need to know this? I did not snoop for this, it just came up when I used Google. I confronted her, another blow out argument. She now deletes all searches and all internet history.
We went on vacation at the end of June. The day before we left for vacation we had a plan to go bike riding. I was happy and excited to go, we seemed to be getting along even had sex the night before. I was feeling good. Went to the kitchen to make breakfast and her phone was next to the stove again. Up pops a message from OP “good morning sunshine.” This was followed by “I wish I could have one kiss before you go (WS: ‘that would be nice’)” and “send me a sexy pic” she obliged later in the day. This roller coaster ride is awful, I want to get off…please let me off, someone please stop the ride I need to get off.
I asked her not to text OP while on vacation and she agreed. Can you image that? A husband asks his wife not to text her boyfriend while on vacation. Don’t be like me. If you are at this point, end it. I wish I could go back in time and say “if you can’t stop texting right now, divorce me! Get out of my life! In fact, I’ll make it easy, I’m leaving!” I asked her a few days after we arrived at the beach, “how’s the not texting going.” She said “good.” And by “good” she meant that it was continuing at a blistering pace. One morning she got out of bed and the first thing she did was text “good morning gorgeous” to him. On Wednesday, midway through our vacation week I saw a text from him. It said “bring your [name of sex toy] when you come up.” I confronted her, I was so angry I don’t remember what was said. I drove home and she acted like I was the one being irrational. I drove back the next day, she asked “how did you sleep”, I said “like crap.” She said she slept like a baby. Why am I still here, what am I doing? I demanded we set a meeting with the mediation attorney, finally she agreed. We set the initial consultation. Man, this is the worst roller coaster ride I have ever been on and I desperately want to get off.
We had the mediation meeting on July 1st, the attorney laid out what we need to do and how to proceed with divorce. That Saturday, July 4th she left the house at 9pm, said she was going for a ride. At 2 am I received a text that said, “I am at my mother’s.” Her mother lives 1 mile from OP, about 70 miles from our house. I was asleep. At about 7 am I received another text “good morning, I am at my mother’s, call her phone if you want to verify.” My only response was “I’m glad you are safe and I love you.” She said “I love you too” and called me. We had a good conversation…but what happened during the period between 9 pm and 2 am? I may never know.
Apparently she went to see him in person to break it off. When she arrived at home I asked, “is there anything different about our relationship after yesterday?” She said “perhaps” and smiled. I hugged her and asked, “so it’s just you and me?” “you and me in Maine” (we go to Maine in august every year). She said “yes.” Yay, my wife is back and finally we can get on with life, right? Right??? Hello?…no, not so fast stupid.
Weird that when she broke it off with OP, things somehow got worse. During the week after her “breakup” I sent her a text that said “I love you and I’m the one lucky to have you” (there was a time when she would say that to me). The response: “I’m emotionally spent right now and don’t know how to respond, sorry.” What the f---?!?! What kind of response is that? Holy sh--! You B----!
This was followed by emotional and physical withdrawal by her. I would say “I love you” she responds “thank you.” Thank you? Thank you? How about I love you too? WS: “Stop bullying me.”
OK, perhaps she just needs space and time. Fine…well not fine, I have a hard time keeping my mouth shut and I have no patience. Several arguments follow.
In the meantime,…flashback to June. I figured out how to get the text records from Verizon on their website. In June they exchanged about 5,000 text messages. As many as 400 in one day (that’s one text every 2 to 3 minutes). I would confront her about the texting periodically and say “you are texting him all day long” she would say, “you’re exaggerating it’s not that much, he asks about my day, I ask about his day.” I was right, my gut was right. If you are reading this and your gut tells you your WS is texting or doing something, you’re probably right. Confront them, make them prove it to you, don’t let them argue with you…don’t engage in dumb arguments or distractions, use silence if you have to, and don’t let them make you feel guilty. My WS is a master at “pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.” What particularly bothers me about the volume of texts is that I would call her at work to plead with her not to leave me (I know, I know …bad move, I wish I had access to this site in May) and she would say “I’m busy, I’m at work and I’m behind, I don’t have time for this.” But she had time to send/receive 5,000 texts in one month.
She would text him first thing in the morning when she got up and the last thing at night before she went to bed. Starting at 5-6 am sometimes and ending at 11, 12pm, sometimes 1 in the morning. Oh and by the way, remember she agreed to stop texting while we were on vacation?…yeah, she sent/received 1,300 texts while we were on vacation. “Good morning luv bug…” is among my favorites, she withdrew all love and affection from me, her husband and says this to the guy she tells me is not her boyfriend, and she says she does not love.
The texting did slow down in July and actually stopped after the “breakup.” Yay, my wife is back and finally we can get on with life, right? Right??? Hello?…no, not so fast idiot.
It’s now August. We go on vacation to Maine in August, usually the second week. The night before we are supposed to leave I’m sitting at the table in the kitchen, her phone is on the table in front of me. Up pops a text from…OP. My God, my heart sank…get me off this [gosh darn] roller coaster. I kept my mouth shut. She came into the kitchen, I asked, “who is that” she said it was an email from someone at work. It was 11 pm on a Friday night. I kept my mouth shut and went to bed. Then I couldn’t keep my mouth shut any more, I confronted her in the middle of the night “are you going to text him all [gosh darn] vacation like you did in June?” Another blowout that night and another in the morning. We agreed to go to Maine with the kids.
She must be finally getting it right? Right??? Any texting is not good. The appropriate amount of texting is zero. She said “let’s just try to have a good time.” Fine, as long as there is no texting. We get to Maine, things are good. But on the second night she keeps going into the bathroom. She went into the bathroom several times in a short period, each time locking the door…we’re husband and wife, it’s not unusual for the door to be wide open when being used. Now I’m wondering. Something is going on…aannnd…her phone is hidden in a makeup case under the sink. I keep my mouth shut. The next day her phone is on the bureau and I hear it buzz, I jump up and guess who is texting? She heard me jump up and comes into the bedroom at the hotel and says “OK, out with it…” It’s Monday and we are in Maine until Saturday. God help me. Another blow out…but she kept texting during the week. Please, please stop this ride, I need to get off. I demand that she schedules another meeting with the mediator, she reluctantly agrees. In fact, her email to the attorney starts “At [my husbands] urging I am setting up this meeting.” At my urging? At MY urging? My life is in shambles, two vacations ruined completely and it’s all my fault that we’re going to mediation. I only get two weeks from my job and both weeks were hell on earth.
When we got home from vacation I told her I am moving out (this is mid august at this point). I can’t stay with her if she is going to continue this relationship. She again agreed to stop texting. We had the meeting with the mediator and she agreed to no texting, we put the divorce on hold. Yay, my wife is back and finally we can get on with life, right? Right??? Hello?…no, not so fast moron.
The emotional and physical withdrawal on her part continues. She has no interest in saying I love you, or doing any initiation of physical contact. Every time she breaks up with OP, or agrees to end the relationship things get worse. Is there no one listening? Please stop this roller coaster, I need to get off.
She then takes her phone off the family plan, changes her phone password, and changes the text settings so the preview does not show on the screen when a new text comes in. Wow. She has agreed to end the relationship but claims she doesn’t want me to be “big brother.”
September arrives. I feel like something is not right. I walk past her when she has her phone and she hides it. September 9th, I text “my gut tells me you are still texting OP”…I receive two texts:
“He and I both agreed that I need to figure out my marriage on my own and texting interferes with that. He does not want to influence things and I agree with that. I am trying to work it out or work it through with you.”
And
“He does not want to be the one to break up a family. And I do not want to break up my family for someone when it may not work out with that person anyway. Any decision I make needs to be based on me and for me.”
These are the two most insulting texts I have ever received in my life. “He doesn’t want to interfere” and “he doesn’t want to break up a family” but he exchanged nude photos, asked for a kiss, asked her to bring her sex toy when she visited, exchanged 5,000 texts in June but doesn’t want to interfere or break up a family? He was a willing, active participant in an affair with a married woman with two teenaged daughters. What would I do without him? Such a noble guy.
I figured out her new password…they were still texting AFTER this exchange. The last interaction was about her health. He asked about her recent doctor’s visit, she says “If I’m told I have 6 months to live I would like to spend some of that time with you.” Ouch, that hurts. This was after she told me that texting interferes, and he doesn’t want to break up a family. Holy s---, someone get me off this [gosh darn] roller coaster. Please. (I know. All of you reading this are saying get yourself off the roller coaster, you have the power, leave her and leave her now.)
I had been researching apartments at this point and had a couple of leases lined up. I told her on a Friday that I was signing a 4 month lease on the following Monday morning and I sent an email to the attorney to continue the mediation process. Problem is, the attorney won’t continue mediation unless we both agree, she has not confirmed with him as of today 10/14/2020.
I received a text from her on the Sunday before I was to sign a lease “what are your specific terms, spell it out. I don’t want you to sign the lease.” I called her and told her zero contact is appropriate. She agreed. Why on earth would I need to spell it out for her? She knew what she had to do.
I believe that she did not have any physical contact with OP after July 4th, just texting. Recent texting was always initiated by OP. And the text content was not sexual like it was before.
It’s 10/14/2020…Yay, my wife is back and finally we can get on with life, right? Right??? Hello?…
I’m open to suggestions, questions, comments, advice, etc. I’m glad I have an opportunity to tell my story here. I want to share my experiences. I feel some relief to get this out in writing here on this site. I would suggest at the first sign of cheating, nip it in the bud. Don’t do what I did. I should have been much firmer early on. I should have pursued divorce much quicker (even though I’m not divorced…yet). I should have realized that it was not my fault. I should not have caved into her ridiculous arguments. Don’t be manipulated like I was (I think I may be getting "gaslighted"?). Listen to your gut and your heart, you know what’s going on. Don’t let them lie to you and get away with it. Don’t be afraid of confrontation, it needs to happen. I hope I can help others here someday as I work my way through this hell.
Update 10/18/2020
I figured out the new password to her phone. I was looking for messages from OP1...none, whew good. But who is this Jonathan guy in the Facebook messages. He asks "send me a hot pic." And "actually I just need a hug...a naked hug that is." She replies "a hug clothed or unclothed works." This is a second OP!
Good God who the fuck is this person I'm married to. I'm living with a psychopath and this is the mother of my children. I'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown.
This new guy is married. I've seen guidance on here that says notify the spouse on the other side. I did. He immediately contacted my wife to tell her what I did.
She finally agreed to continue mediation because i "...was so vindictive about this..." she then apologized to him for what happened. Holy Jesus, God in heaven help me heal and move on.
[This message edited by DanielJK at 8:22 PM, October 18th (Sunday)]
