SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Whats up SI, it has been a while. Been busy at work. Been meaning to put my story on my page but here is a quick recap...
My WW had an PA with a coworker. She confessed it to me and after some trickle truth I got the whole picture. I decided to attempt to R, which is where I find myself atm.
My WW had been doing the work. She is remorseful as far as I can tell and actively trys hard to make me happy. Not that it's on her to do that, but I acknowledge the effort.
I myself am in IC which is helping but I still have these feelings inside, anger, hurt,jealousy, ect. We will be having an alright time and out of nowhere I will get microtriggered and make a passive aggressive comment towards my WW.
Like for ex, ill see someone who reminds me of her OM and ill say something like, 'he looks like ur bf' or 'thats how u like them huh' to which she shuts down.
I chose to R some time ago. Lots of back and forth but ultimately I chose it because of something I read (among other reasons). 'The grass is greener where you water it.' I love my WW but I find it hard to fully put both feet in, if you will. Hence the comments.
Wondering if any of you delt with this and what you did about it.

Maybe you could set aside time to talk about it on a regular basis? Like a little chat every Monday night or whatever. Maybe you are still struggling (duh - anyone would be) and you just need to talk about it some. Maybe if you had some direct conversation about it you wouldn't feel the need to make the little comments here and there.

My WW had been doing the work. She is remorseful as far as I can tell and actively trys hard to make me happy.

And you reward her work by being a passive aggressive jerk. Knock it off, friend.

I chose to R some time ago.

You CHOSE to R. Now act accordingly.

I myself am in IC which is helping but I still have these feelings inside, anger, hurt,jealousy, ect.

Talk to your IC about your behavior. See what they say. IMO, you SHOULD share with her that you're angry, etc, You could even say, "I saw a guy that looked like OM and I felt tempted to say something snarky, but I know that it hurts you, it hurts me, and it's not productive." That's transparency.

Go ahead and rage and get those feelings out, but do it by yourself. My favorite thing to do was drive around and scream along with Limp Bizkit. I know every damn word to "Break Stuff." lol Do you have an outlet like that?

[This message edited by 13YearsR at 8:33 PM, Thursday, August 12th]

It's good you are going to IC. Work with your IC to learn how to deal with those triggers in a healthier manner.

MC at this stage, and with your wife's apparent progress, might be helpful as well.

MC at this stage, and with your wife's apparent progress, might be helpful as well.

I second this. Great idea.

I can't speak for R because ultimately mine failed, but that kind of smarmy behavior will just drag you back five steps. If she is trying, really trying, then you need to self-monitor better. Ask your IC how to do it.

I'm going to offer a different take. (EDIT: looks like stubbornft had the same take, but I missed it).

I don't mean this to be an endorsement of "unmet needs" as an explanation for poor behavior. That said, my feeling is that these sort of comments are the result of continued unresolved feelings you are having about the A. You are NOT addressing them head on, but then it slips out, in a mean way when you are feeling trigger, are overwhelmed, and generally suffering from "ego depletion" (google it).

The best way to avoid these kinds of jabs is to take time, schedule it if you have to, to continue to talk about the A, your feelings on how R is going, and reassuring your wife she is doing a good job (that progress is being made even if everything isn't perfect). You have to be able to work through and express your negative feelings with your wife in a manner that allows her to be non-defensive and for you to feel heard.

[This message edited by This0is0Fine at 4:02 PM, August 12th (Thursday)]

Is she still looking the AP up on social media?
Wasn't she following him/looking him up on social media as recent as last December?
When did she stop showing any interest in her AP?

I believe that cheaters need to grow up and deal with the consequences of their actions. My husband's OW was older - 70 to his 55. For a long time after DDay, when we were out and I saw a an especially old and feeble lady, I would sweetly ask him if he had a hard-on. Hostile, but very satisfying. He was really doing everything that he could to reconcile....all the right things. I understood that passive aggressive comments were not helpful, but guess you shouldn't have had a affair and destroyed my life. As time went on, I stopped the comments on my own, when it felt like the right time to ME. I'll be honest, though, I still THINK them.

I have the same struggle. We get along really well for the most part, but I guess somewhere inside me I want him to know I still feel hurt and anger sometimes. That I still have some “micro triggers” as you call them. I too make snarky little comments that are hurtful and unproductive.

I think I’ll take the advice of talking about it more. I thought I was past needing to talk about it, but obviously I am not. I also think it might be time for MC now that we are further out. We could use some help in navigating this next phase.

Just wanted to show you’re not alone. R is freaking hard.

Jaybee, I struggle with this myself. I'm not passive-aggressive though, it's openly hostile. So much so that we have been struggling in R. He is trying to do everything right but the anger and hurt bubbles up and I feel the need to lash out. All the advice here is spot-on for me also.

Notmine, yes! Except replace old and feeble with unkempt and overweight. I know, totally unproductive.

You're just over a year out so I think it's totally normal for you to have triggers. For example, when you're out and you see someone that looks like the AP it is normal to trigger. You are in charge of how you react to those triggers though. You seem to be aware that the way you are handling things right now is not conducive to R.

One of the most helpful tools I learned in MC was that anger is hurt's protector. When you make angry, passive aggressive, or what I call "shitty" comments (ie. the little digs you are referring to) it's your hurt self protecting itself from feeling hurt. It know it is a hard habit to break as it is something I definitely had to work on myself. When I would do it, it would often trigger my WH's defensiveness and lead to arguments or hurt feelings (ie. us turning away from one another vs. towards one another). When we both learned that I was making those comments due to triggers, we were both able to react better. I was able to avoid the comments (or apologize for the comments soon thereafter - "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that. X reminded me of your affair") and my husband was able to recognize where my shitty comments were coming from and instead of getting his rankles up, react with empathy and apologize for contributing to what I was feeling in those moments. It really helped us to feel more connected in those moments versus contributing to unhelpful communication patterns.

Easier said than done, I know.

[This message edited by emergent8 at 6:49 PM, Friday, August 13th]

I have let loose with a passive aggressive comment from time to time. Most recently we were watching a show that contained an infidelity storyline and I made it very clear what I thought of the characters and their actions. There was name calling, and swear words were involved. I directed my commentary toward the TV, but I'm pretty sure he got the message. Honestly, I think the raised voice and the F-Bombs are an improvement for me. I used to cry and have to leave the room in situations like that. In general I am able to keep snarky comments to myself, but once in a while a trigger will set me off.

I will get microtriggered and make a passive aggressive comment...

Try this.

The next time you talk to anyone about anything, ask yourself during or after, ask yourself, am I communicating or am I manipulating. Am I trying to pass some information, or am I trying to put them into a certain feeling-state?

If you do this regularly and are dead honest about it, you’ll see an awful lot of manipulation where you thought there was communication. Not just with a wife, but with everybody. The boss, the co-worker, the toolbooth operator. Maybe even the majority? You’ll see it here, in the tone people take, how there will be a certain amount of shaming on a new BS in the JFO forum. You just have to look for it.

If you are trying to R, you have to move from manipulation to honest communication. You can guess what being passive aggressive is.

Find another way to let her know what you are feeling without trying to use it to make her feel bad. Talk to her as a friend, even though she’s the root cause.

Sending strength!

I sure am going to disagree with everyone here.

The WS chose to cheat. We make the choice how to deal with it. Just don’t be unconscious about it. If you feel hate for her at the moment, you should state this. Disgust? State it. No need to be passive. Be radically honest and see what she does.

Example- "I was feeling like having sex, but I’m thinking of AP now, so please stop touching me because when you touch me I want to vomit and it makes me think of her red hair."
At times, this is truthful.

Your passiveness is the thing I take issue with. Just vomit out your shit (btw, anyone who ever cheats ain’t your friend. My bestie wouldn’t do that to me.) a big bolus of truth right on her floor. You don’t have to be an asshole about it. "You’re a skank" is prolly not as effective as "I have concerns that you make decisions based on limerance and your latest obsessions, without taking into account how it affects me."

Truth vomit. They vomited some big truth into their AP’s genitals, didn’t they? Vomit back if it helps you heal. And if she can’t cope with your truth, then she is not rec material. Don’t white knuckle yourself into rug sweeping. You don’t need to feel good.
I have found it helpful if you follow it up with a request. For example, "I’m feeling disgusted right now. Could you please clean the toilets?"

Act of service gal, myself. But my official act of service request is not to rub someone’s genitals without my permission.

Sorry- Angry day today. I’m a physician working with this Covid shit show right now. Get your vaccines people. We are rationing vents. And this is a bad time to get in a car wreck. Try not to die or need a vent right now. Because it’s like my compassion- non-existent.

And why are you supposed to try not to make her feel bad?!?! What in the codependency hell is this??? Don’t we teach that we are not responsible for their feelings?!?!?

She SHOULD FEEL BAD. She killed you, premeditated murder. This was not manslaughter where she fell on someone’s dick. Presumably, it was murder one. With forethought. She ain’t your friend.

Speak truth. And if she isn’t a sociopath, she will feel bad. Oh well. Actions meet your consequences.

[This message edited by 3yrsout at 4:16 PM, Saturday, August 14th]

Being passive aggressive in talking to a spouse is simply destructive to any relationship, with or without infidelity. You've noticed your spouse shuts down when you engage this behaviour. Is that what you want? A shut down? because that's exactly what happens to any person who is dealing with passive aggressive talk. They shut down. And both parties lose. Badly over time.

That is not R. Not by a long mile. That is P for payback time.

Best to be direct and non-combative when talking about feelings. That's all.

I’m not passive, I will share triggers and tough feelings, it’s the price of admission to R. I find myself so negative towards marriage. We love watching game shows together. Anytime someone says my wonderful…..spouse, I say yea right it’ll never last. I’m really down in M and relationships at the moment.

Maybe the affair was a deal breaker and you really need to separate or Divorce.

If you are still angry after two years and you still feel like you don’t have the ability to heal, then it’s best to move on. You deserve to live your best life.

[This message edited by guvensiz at 2:02 AM, August 15th (Sunday)]