SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hey everyone!

First things first, sorry for the long post, but I kind of find it cathartic to write about this.
I'll try my best to structure this in a way that's easy to read and also serve me as a reference in the future.

So, most likely, at least 1 of my 2 kids isn't mine.

How we got here.

Back in December 2020, I told my wife about my desire to get one of those 23andme kits for myself. She didn't know much about them since we don't live in the States and here they are not even sold, it's not a thing here, not yet.
So, I'm telling her about both the ancestry and health reports part and asking her if she wants one too. Nope, not in a million years. Why would you like to know there's something wrong with you?
She was pretty set against it, focusing exclusively on the health part and disregarding utility for the ancestry one. I asked her if it would be OK to get a kit for the kids, she said "do whatever you want, just don't tell me if there turns out be anything wrong with them and don't ruin their lives by telling them either." clearly referring to the health part.

Now, she had reason to worry about the health reports since I have a history of anxiety, panic and depression (I'm now the poster child for Lexapro's effectiveness) which would be most certainly reignited with a vengeance if there turned out to be some bad news on those reports.

Kits arrived, we collected samples and mailed them while on vacation in the States. Kid#2 sample was a tad incomplete, he was fuzzy and filled maybe 2/3 of the tube, other than that, everything looked good.

My DDay.
Jan 18th.

It's late, kids and wife are upstairs.
Kid #2 results arrive. Have a look at them, don't see anything weird ancestry wise, results as expected, have a little fun with the app, turn on DNA relatives discovery, it takes a couple of minutes to build a list and see he matches with 1500 people, the highest match is a measly 0.76%, very distant cousins. Don't recognize any last names on the list. Think nothing of it since like I said, DNA fun tests are not a thing around here.

A short while later my results are in. Have fun with the ancestry part, kid #2 composition is consistent with my results considering his mom is mixed, check out haplogroups, relief! we match paternal haplos, as we should, right?
Turn on DNA relatives discovery, immediately gives me 5000 matches with the highest one being a 2nd or 3rd cousin at 6% match. Where's Kid# 2?
I recognize a bunch of last names on the list, but where the hell is kid# 2?!?

A bit of digging around in the app and finally found the place where it directly compares us: 0.06% match.

My heart sinks... My stomach sinks... I start crying.
I spent the rest of the night trying to figure out what just happened here, looking into ways this could be wrong...

Where I am now.
Jan 22th

It's been 4 days, haven't talked to my wife yet, I was waiting for Kid #1 results (which showed up a few hours ago) to either confirm or deny the discovery.
If he matches me and his bro as half-sibling = Mom has/had an affair.
If he matches bro as a full sibling but not me = Mom has/had a long-term affair.
If he matches bro as half sibling but not me = Mom is a serial cheater.
And the hopium, 1 in a million result, kid #1 matches me but not bro = there's something iffy on 23andme's part or at the hospital.

Over the past 4 days I've been feeling like shit, cycling between deep sadness, anger, denial, hope, hopium, numbness, rationalization.. the list goes on and on. My world has been shattered. I'm empty, I'm lost and all this while trying to keep things semi-normal at home and work.
My wife knows something is going on, she looks concerned about me, but thankfully and since my past dealings with anxiety and depression, she believes it's that and knows not to nag me and try to make me talk while in such an episode, she's giving me some space since I told her I think this new generic lex is not working as it should.

I feel like that 90's movie "The Truman Show" with a key difference: He started having doubts about the world around him, started digging, and eventually found out he was living a lie, me, on the other hand, was happily asleep in a beautiful dream when suddenly got hit with bat waking up in severe pain and realizing it was all a dream and my reality is a fucking nightmare.
That's the thing with pandora boxes, once open they stay open.

I haven't opened that report yet. I'm scared, terrified to be honest.
At the moment I got a Schrodinger cat, as long as that report stays unopened, it's both true and false at the same time, whatever I want to believe.
That's hopium right there, I know, I'm a man of reason and logic.

I don't know what to do, at times a part of me says forget about this, work on pretending you never saw it, and take it to the grave, then I realize I can't really do that, it would eat me alive.
Then I think I should gather more info before confronting her, get some 1-2 hours alone with her phone (I know her pwd as she knows mine) to dig both recent and old logs and chats.
I know for sure I don't want to have the talk with the kids anywhere near and that window will open next weekend when the kids stay at my MIL's home for our regular "us" time.

The main two feelings I've been cycling through are intense sadness and disbelief. Disbelief fuels hopium. This cheating scenario makes no sense, how? why? It contradicts everything I think I know...

Our relationship.

We've been together for 20 years, almost 21. Our kids are 7 and 5.
The kids were not a random act, they were both planned.

Some 8 years ago we started talking about having kids, about being ready. After the first month without a positive result, we went to the doctor just to check, a few tests and it turned out I have a low count. Doc gave me some vitamins asked me to lose some weight and assured us we should see a positive result in a few months.
We started tracking her period, basal temp, ovulation strips, you name it and sure enough, 5 months later we were pregnant with our first.
A few months after our little guy's birth we realized the prospects of him having cousins or any family around his age anytime soon were slim, none of my sisters wants kids, neither does my SIL so we decided to go for kid #2 after kid #1 1 year birthday. Give him a companion, a buddy you know?.
Same drill as before, tracking, ovulation strips, planned sex, and a couple of months later a positive test.

I went back and read 7 years worth of chat logs, emails, pictures, social media posts and I see no indication of anything wrong between us, even around the estimated conception date for kid #2 all I see is normal-happy messages between us, pictures of us, our kid, our dates, all going back and forth, going out plans, vacations plans, everyday life msgs. All good.

And here's the thing about my wife and our relationship. I didn't just marry an attractive woman. I married my best friend and I don't type that lightly, I mean true best friend.

Our relationship has always been characterized by our ability to chat, to always have something to talk about. We have long deep convos in the kitchen while sipping wine, we have silly convos every time in between. We do everything together, we seldom go out without each other and when we do it's always regular things like brunch with the girls, a bar with my friends and these things happen no more than a few times a year and there are always pictures of it and social media posts.

We laugh, we joke, we have a good sex life, she slaps my butt while I'm doing the dishes, other times she hugs me from behind and kisses me. You know how it goes.
We have regular dates, we travel, we go out with and without the kids.
We built a home together, she's a devoted catholic who drags me and the kids to church most Sundays.
She's loving, caring, attentive and supportive.
And I do my best every day to correspond her in the same way, always have.
As far as I know, it has always been "us".

And our relationship has been all these things for the past 20 years.
There was never a "drift apart" time, I never had a hunch, a feeling something was off. Never.
She's this kind of person who takes great care of both her, our kids and my public image, I've always nagged her about her constant "what are people gonna say/think" worries.
And I could go on and on about the good stuff.

Sure it sounds perfect, but nothing is, we sure have had our fair share of fights and disagreements over the past 20 years, every couple does, but I tell you, life with my wife is/was? pretty darn good.

And that's why I cling to hopium, that's why I find a cheating scenario with a got pregnant result so hard to believe. Makes no sense, contradicts everything I have seen, felt and experienced with her over the past 20 years.
Did I marry a sociopath? Is my compass that broken? WTF...

What's next

I don't know what to do, how to proceed. TBH I wish I was dead.
If it turns out to be true, which is the 99.99% scenario. I can't even begin to describe how world-shattering that is.
On Monday I had a perfect life, a few hours later I lost everything I have ever cared about. This being true means I got nothing, I'm empty. If it weren't for the kids, what would be the point to carry on?

And while I wait and see I look at my wife and she's the same person she was on Monday, has the same qualities I typed above. I'm the one who's different now, the one who's changed. I'm fucked, completely and royally fucked.
Got no one to talk about this, no support system outside my wife who's at the core of this mess.

I'll stop now, this is already way too long. Thanks for reading.

I know why you chose your name, but your sleep was actually a nightmare. Now it is a waking nightmare, but you at least have agency, when before you did not.

Don't just dig into her phone, you need to establish surveillance - then you will learn the truth.

Whatever you find, make copies of it. Then do this

Install a keylogger on her computer, and spy software on her phone. Get a voice recorder and hide it in your car if you have one or wherever she might make private phone calls.

What she does after you confront will tell you everything.

Surely read the other report, then get a second dna test before confronting?

What does the second report say?

The test could be wrong. You should re-test to verify the results FIRST.

Don’t say anything until you have a plan in place.

Now is the time to verify! And investigate. Thoroughly.

Because if you falsely accuse your wife it could be disastrous.

See a doctor for help sleeping and dealing with anxiety.

Retest to make sure the results are accurate.

Think back. What men were in your wife's life around conception?

For example, old school friend, coworker, the husband in a married couple you were regular friends with, or a member of a church group.

Particularly someone she shared something in common with, or turned to for advice, or she looked up to, or someone that really admired her/complimented her/made her laugh.

Do not eliminate a guy because he's too old or ugly or a loser. They often affair down.

[This message edited by Robert22205https at 1:39 PM, Sunday, January 23rd]

From your post, it sounds like you may not be able to postpone or delay a confrontation.

Therefore, I'll give you some confrontation advice.

Among other things make it clear to her:

While the truth (answering all your questions) will make it difficult to stay married to her, any further lying or withholding of information will guarantee divorce.

To discourage further lies or withholding of information, insist on a written timeline (subject to a polygraph test). The prospect of facing a polygraph (even if in the future in another country) tends to discourage lies.

Tests like this can be in error. Labs, hospitals, doctors and businesses make errors... literally all the time. Please do not assume infidelity based on this result alone. Look at the other report. If you see the results are not aligned, contact the company and ask for a retest based on the odd result.

One additional strategy you might consider is revealing this to your wife before the retest. But do it in a way that has no accusation at all. Just share the fact that one of the reports is an outlier, you need to get a retest so you have an accurate result as there must be some type of error in the data. But watch her reaction closely. If she had an affair then it is possible that she will show some degree of nervousness or anxiety. If you see that anxiety or something weird, do not immediately assume there was an affair and accuse her though. Wait for the second test.

Two points about this strategy: 1) she was already not interested in the testing so her reaction might only reflect her initial skepticism. 2) you might want to dig through phone, pc and email records as much as possible before you share this.

One other thing... if she knew that one of the kids was from another man, or even suspected, I think she probably would have put up a fight about having them tested. Now it is possible that if she had an affair, she did not connect the two ideas and it is also possible that she had an affair but never thought it led to pregnancy.

But it is also very, very possible that the test is wrong and all the other data you have is right and there is no infidelity: a good marriage, two concerted efforts at conceiving and no other signs of infidelity you can think of or find.

Use a test with a cheek swab. Another company. Wait on those because one result was not complete. Also humans make mistakes. There were people involved in getting this back to you. Be patient and wait.

I agree with those who say to double and triple check this result.

I don't see any red flags in your wife's behavior.

Even though genetic tests are not common where you are, I think the fact that she focused only on the health aspect is a good sign.

Don't despair.

I think you may turn out to be infidelity-free after all.

And we're a pretty skeptical bunch :)

Google 23&me test results.

One headline was that 96 people were sent the wrong test results.

So please be sure to re-test or get another opinion.

Re-test to very the results, if they are confirmed, get a VAR (voice activated recorder) and hide it in her car, you can order it online, you might also get a GPS tracker and hide it there as well, then confront her, cheaters typically talk in their vehicles where they feel safe, the VAR will likely give you the unfiltered truth about the possible OM.

I agree with the advice to retest. Family Tree DNA does the most thorough Y analysis.

Before you jump to any conclusions DO NOT TRUST THE 23andme kit. They are notorious for being in-accurate, despite their claimed 99% accuracy. The number of times I've read stories of how in-accurate those tests are is disturbing.

Go to a doctor/chemist and get a proper test done. Explain to your wife (if you need to) that the 23andme tests came back inconclusive for some reason, like they were muddled up etc. Honestly tho, if your wife did cheat, I would have expected more resistance to what you're describing in your story. This is why, in your case, I personally would give your wife the benefit of the doubt.

Wait for those results, before you do anything you may regret. IF your wife is innocent, you may cause irreversible damage to your relationship.

IF the test proves you are NOT the father, then check back in and we can help! Until you find something much more solid, take it with a grain of rice.

Let us know how you go.

Before you talk to your wife about any of these results, I'd follow Faithfulman's advice and get surveillance in place so that you can read/hear her phone calls and msgs to others after your talk. Hearing those conversations will be invaluable to you.

I wouldn't place much on her being a devout Catholic... we see stories of Jesus cheaters on here all the time. Heck there's stories of wives cheating with their preachers.

20 year marriage. If it's confirmed that one or both children aren't yours, try as best you can to remember the 20 yrs you've had, and those two kids will be watching you. I think everyone here would understand completely if you decide to end your marriage, I'm saying whatever you decide try to be humane as you can about it.

Look in your own mind your marriage has been shaken to its core. I personally would say talk to your wife sooner rather than later before you fall apart trying to keep all this a secret. Talk to her now before you get a more reliable doctor/lab test. You have a 20 year marriage, I say share this with your wife now (get surveillance in place first).

Strength brother.

Open the second set of results.

Sibling report will be the smoking gun on whether it was the wrong kit.

Don't trust 23&me 100%. Do the paternity test form a different company. Perhaps ask your doctor for recommendations. Only then you can be certain.

Can you just get a paternity test as a retest? I don't know where you are but I've read in places like France and maybe others that it's illegal without a court order (I personally have a HUGE problem with this).

[This message edited by Never2late at 8:51 PM, January 23rd (Sunday)]

Have you looked at the second results yet?

As to the first results, as others have noted, it's possible they are unreliable. There are other possible explanations. Did you guys try IVF, for example? Is it possible there was an unscrupulous doctor who used his own sperm to fertilize your unwitting wife. That's been known to happen.

Definitely definitely definitely get the results confirmed. Send samples to another company or have them done privately if that’s possible.

I personally wouldn’t be able to wait for 2-3 weeks for new results with this big Pink Elephant in my marriage.

I want to emphasize what Robert22 says above:
While the truth (answering all your questions) will make it difficult to stay married to her, any further lying or withholding of information will guarantee divorce.

I think this is a key factor – the MOST important factor. You need the truth – and that’s why you are getting the tests redone. That truth applies to your wife too. Marriages can survive anything IMHO other than lies and ongoing deceit. Now is the chance for your wife to come clean (if there is anything she has done) and that can be confirmed or denied with the new results.

I would share the results with your wife. Share your concerns and ask her if she has any idea why the results are what they are. Let her know that you are getting the tests redone and place emphasis on what the PRESENT results indicate. Ask her straight out what to expect from the new results. Be clear that if she tells you the truth NOW and that truth is then supported by the new results then your marriage has a chance, but if she were to lie even when facing an inevitable truth that could be detrimental to any chance of reconciliation.

Be open that you hope and wish this is a false result, but be clear to her how this makes you wonder… Ask her how she would react if the roles were reversed.

Do not blow your marriage up or make any accusations or ask any pointed questions. You might severely damage a good marriage. Check the second child results. Decide on a course of action to get accurate results. Implement this action and then lightheartedly tell your wife what you are doing because the original tests must have been wrong. Watch her reaction and wait for the results.