SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

These kids are yours whether their DNA matches you or not, and it sounds like you are the best parent they have. Don’t let that change no matter what happens with your wife.

Thank you for stating this. I was trying to find a way to say this.

No matter what the DNA may or may not say, that doesn't change the very real relationships you've built with your children. At 5 and 7 years old, they only know that you are their dad and they love you. Every interaction you've had with them has been real and authentic.

I'm so sorry you're in this position, I can't even begin to imagine the pain you must be feeling. But DNA or not, you are Dad and they love you.

You draw a portrait of a very ideal wife in your first post.
Too early to create a drama. Take a real paternity test and wait for the results.

There was a story like yours. It was on a page that starts with an R.

His name was something car based. I don't know what we can hint at on here.

He had 3 kids. 2 girls, 1 boy. The grandparents recently died and the kids wanted to do DNA tests to trace their roots. The 2 girls did not match the dad, and the 1 son did. When they asked at family dinner about this, these were adult kids, the mom ran off and locked herself in the bathroom. Hours later she said she would come out when everyone left.

Apparently, she had become a good God fearing woman after the second child was born and one of the guys said or did something that scared the mom into being a decent human being.

The husband never knew. He was completely blindsided. The kids were worried he was going to kill himself. He freaked out at work and his wife pushed him to buy his dream car. He freaked out again and just left work to drive across the country to California.

He later came back, but still had a weird simmering anger towards his wife. Especially about whatever happened that straightened her out way back when.

His last post had him like starting hiking with a group, he had kind of a miniature melt down and then midlife crisis. He said he stayed married but it was different now.

I don't think stories like that will help you.

I have to agree with Sissoon, we have accused cheaters with less than a DNA test. But we are glad Asleep is ready and confronting.

The better thing to question is why she would have had the affair with the same man, over 5-6 years, and you never knew. That is some masterful lying, that you never caught. So expect more.

Ask what the outcome will be?

She is going to lie to you. She has lied this many years, she will lie more. It has been so ingrained in her over this timeframe, it will be like breathing for her. Know you will have to push. Maybe start with not mentioning the proof and stick to a basic question. That has been the recommendation on SI here from the beginning. Never share your sources because every piece of evidence becomes what they attack instead of addressing their actions.

Always start with, "I know you have lied to me." Then go, "I know the kids aren't mine."

Don't hold her hands, don't try to comfort her, just ask the questions.

Then when she lies, state some facts. You are thinking of turning in the DNA tests. See, what she says.

If she denies, then you go to, "I have DNA proof they aren't my children."

Then she might try to lie some more. This is like 50/50 she lies.

Then state you have proof after going through her phone. I know this is a half truth, but she has played clean up for this murder investigation for decades.

If she continues to lie, saying the kids are yours and she didn't cheat, then simply get up and leave. Tell her you have proven the kids aren't yours, its her turn to prove they are. Maybe stick some beers in the garage so you can go cool off and have a drink. Give her some time to figure out she has run out of lies.

After she comes clean, she will cry. Don't comfort her. She needs to see the pain she has caused you the last couple of days. She has had years to fix this and has refused to. Go read some WS posts, they are almost always stuck in this mindset that they are in control of the marriage and it is best when they are in control. That is why they lie. That is why they trickle truth. They think they can maintain control of the outcome.

R or D is really up to you. Just know that if she goes for R, she has a lot of making up to do. She has a lot of work to do. It would be easier on her to just "Let the past be the past and move on." If you do this, you will be like CruiseControl who is really hurting, 16 years afterward.

Good luck and try to not show your hand when you confront your wife.

[This message edited by DoinBettr at 2:14 PM, Friday, February 4th]

The test says none of the kids are mine.

The test says the kids are full brothers, offspring of the same man and woman. Even though one of their samples could have been "wrong", the odds of them still matching as 100% full DNA brothers are next to 0.

I collected, packed, and mailed all 3 samples.

My results show dozens of recognizable DNA relatives and it's filled with people who share my family names, parents, grandparents, and great-grandparents' family names. Their results show none of this. That means the odds of my sample being processed "wrong" are next to 0.

I agree with you now that you know the results show the same thing for the other brother, and If 23andMe got all these DNS tests wrong I think they should be out of business,however they are a reputable company, not infallible but certainly reputable, they could have gotten one wrong but all of them including yours ! I don't think so and I think the odds of this being wrong you mentioned may be accurate, but even if the are 1 in a million instead of "trillions", those are still staggering odds, way more than enough to confront in my book.

If she denies the whole thing, I would then do a straight up patternity test but if she confirms the "at least 3.5 year LTA" or the straight up paternity test confirms your M has been a sham, I would then file for D, if confirmed this is beyond the pale and a cat 5 years long betrayal, filing for D doesn't mean you have to abandon your kids, you're still their dad, so consult an attorney about the possible implications of doing a legal DNA paternity test in your country, child custody, child support, etc.

[This message edited by Buster123 at 12:47 AM, Friday, February 4th]

Dear ShouldHaveStayedAsleep

Yeah... I've searched high and low and have yet to find similar stories to mine.

I'm pretty sure there are tons of it out there, with the advent of direct-to-consumer DNA testing, infidelity statistics, and modern world life there's got to be a lot of similar stories out there.

Yes, there are many stories like yours, as you state DNA testing and ancestry testing is reveling high rates of paternity fraud. IMO about 3% of children are being raised unknowingly by non-biological fathers.

One story from several years ago on this site (90% sure it on SI) was adult children who tested themselves and found strange results. When they asked the parents if they were adopted or something it became clear two were not fathered by Dad. The ending is horrible with the mom ending herself, months later.

Because I have seen this ending personally, suicides are far too common result of infidelity. Infidelity leaves so much destruction in its wake.

A book was written by a couple who stayed together after a baby from an affair.

Like Yourself, Love Your Life: Overcome Big Mistakes & Celebrate Your True Beauty

by Audrey Meisner (Author) Youtube videos of their story is available.

You are going to be faced with multiple life changing decisions soon, if the children are not yours the AP can get some rights. Your wife could use the results against you. You could be liable for child support with low access to the children. Or you could R and the AP would never know.

YOU NEED A GOOD ATTORNEY now. Go through the many possibilities.

Please take care of yourself and your loved ones.

Organic

[This message edited by Organic2003 at 5:51 AM, Friday, February 4th]

There's a number on stories on reddit of fathers discovering children are not there's.

One 52 yr old man, four of his five kids were not his. His wife committed suicide shortly after the confrontation.

If this is true, and I’m beginning to believe it is, then you have a whole world of decision making to do. The first one is of course who is the father. The second one is do you stay married to her. And the last one, and the one with the most impact on the children’s lives, is going outside of your marriage to tell. It means that the other man might demand he have access to his children. They are your children legally because your name is on the birth certificate but as the biological father how much can he do to your family. Please, please take a lot of time deciding how are you going to do all of this. I’m looking at the impact on two children who are innocent in all of this. Furthermore, they love you. You are the person that has guided them and I hope will continue to do so to get them to adulthood because they absolutely are bonded to you. And last, get your sperm count tested.

I know a couple who adopted 5 kids from 3 different families. They are the kid’s parents in every way but one. The father loves them unconditionally. Keep that in mind

[This message edited by Cooley2here at 1:44 PM, Friday, February 4th]

One last thing.
She is going to mention that "It was so long ago."
"I'm a different person now."
"Are you going to punish me for my past mistakes or move on with our future."
"It's been so terrible holding this secret from you for all these years."

All those are manipulative statements dodging the real pain she caused and focus on you seeing her as the victim and not the abuser. Those are her pushing for rug sweeping. She lied to you yesterday and lied to you today by not coming clean. Each day was another lie. Another time she chose whoever the AP was over trusting you and the strength of the marriage. She will need some shock and awe.
The first tears will be for herself. Wait until she cries tears for what she did to you. She needs to hate who she was and what she did. She needs to hate that she lied. She needs to remove any thought of ever lying to you again. She needs to sacrifice any idea of privacy or trust for you showing strength in staying in the marriage. I have seen reformed cheaters on here even state how angry they are to sacrifice privacy. It is a hard thing for most people to do. That is part of the hard work.
Be careful about forgiving too fast. So many BS regret how they handled D-Day and the first 30 days. Luckily you are here instead of trying to figure this out on its own.

and the one with the most impact on the children’s lives, is going outside of your marriage to tell. It means that the other man might demand he have access to his children. They are your children legally because your name is on the birth certificate but as the biological father how much can he do to your family.

This is what terrifies me the most. I am sure she is convinced the kids are mine and I have little to no control over what she does and who she gets involved after the revelation.

From my end, I will never share with my family that I know I'm not the bio father. The risk for the kids outweighs by a million tons any possible benefit. I would never use this information in any court proceedings in case this ends in D.

@DoinBettr, @Organic2003 Thank you, thank you, and thank you again for your solid advice.

@everyone else, Thank you for your advice, thank you for reading me, thank you for your support and good wishes.

[This message edited by ShouldHaveStayedAsleep at 5:23 PM, Friday, February 4th]

It sounds like you have a wife who does love you now. She has probably done an awful thing in her past that mAy be a deal breaker for you. Just take your time and work thru how you feel and what you need.

The mind boggling thing is, I have searched high and low within myself, my memories, archives, everything and here's the thing: Our relationship has always been the same.

I know she has been affair-free for at the very least 2 years. Was our relationship different 4, 5, 6, 8 years ago? No.
She has always been all those good things I wrote about her in my earlier posts. A loving, caring, supportive and connected partner.

Maybe what for me felt like love, from her POV I am just a good friend and the convenient person to be around for financial support and general lifestyle.
It will take me a while to go through this.

You have had a good marriage. It sounds like a loving one. Something is seriously missing somewhere. Did the test put their dob, sex etc? Is their mother listed? I cannot imagine such a mistake but they do happen. I still think another test is in order. You are hesitating for a reason. It might be that she is who she says she is. There is no putting back into your mouth words once said. I think caution is needed here. Even if everything points to what you fear it still needs thinking about. This is so far out there…could she have used a sperm bank. As you can see I am clutching at straws to keep you from letting the genie out of the bottle until your back is completely against the wall. I haven’t looked….do their test show her family members. Don’t pay any attention to me I am just so worried about your boys.

I wish you the best with your confrontation. Please let us know how it goes. My strongest recommendation is to adhere largely to the approach suggested by Bigger.

If it turns out the children do have another biological parent (they will never have a real father other than you), they ought to know at some point, because medical history of the biological parent can be helpful for their own health care decisions.

There are some very uncomfortable facts. France & Germany have outlawed paternity testing unless ordered by a court. Many if not most men will divorce once they discover (early on) they have been the victim of paternity fraud. These countries do not want a 2-3% disruption to married families, so they outlawed the tests (which created a booming market in Spain).

Get a Paternity Test with at least 24 markers to be absolutely certain. Parental rights for non-biological fathers are very tricky and you will need a skilled attorney if you decide to go that route. Truly sorry you are being forced to deal with this, but do nothing until you are certain.

I hope your conversation with your wife gives you what you need. Sending you strength.

I know a couple who adopted 5 kids from 3 different families. They are the kid’s parents in every way but one. The father loves them unconditionally. Keep that in mind

From the BH perspective, this is like comparing apples to zebras. In your example, the father got to make a conscious decision about his future family. In this case, OP is faced with daily physical reminders that his WW disrespected him in the worst possible way at least TWICE. IMHO, there is nothing worse that a WW can do than to fraudulently force her BH to raise another man's children as his own. Most BH's have a few non-negotiable deal breakers and I'll bet parental fraud ranks at the very top for most of us.

[This message edited by ButAnyway at 8:39 PM, Friday, February 4th]

T/j, I definitely agree that if this was consciously decided by his wife then he has a very much reason to be full of anger. You have to understand, this is my fear for those boys. Kids get attitudes when things are this overwhelming. He does not need two rebellious boys because of this. From what he’s written those boys adore him. We are a freewheeling country so we occasionally run into things like this and lives can be ruined. That’s what I do not want to happen. That’s all I hope for is that somehow maneuvering through this the children are not damaged. To me nothing else is more important and I even include the pain he might have from an affair of his wife. Those boys only have one childhood and he has been their dad.

You are commenting about two different things but I am not. Children are children are children are children. Nothing matters except their happiness. Sorry. If this is true, and it looks like it is, the person they’re going to turn on is their mother. How much good is that going to do them? Then when they are teenagers and he has to come down on them the first thing that’s gonna come out of their mouth is you are not my real father you can’t tell me what to do. I’m telling you this is a Pandora’s box no one wants to open.

[This message edited by Cooley2here at 9:14 PM, Friday, February 4th]

Pandora's Box is already opened ... it happened as soon as OP had knowledge that he is not the boy's father, and it can't be "un-known" now. I'd say we've all learned the hard way that life just isn't fair, and this is one of the most unfair.

We come at this from different perspectives. Your focus is on the children, and admittedly they are innocent here. However, as a fellow BH, my main concern is for the OP ... he is both innocent and a VICTIM of WW and OM's actions. Although, it probably isn't what I would choose or advise, it appears the OP wants to remain in the children's lives, so my point is most likely moot. However, OP is still an innocent victim in all this and I think it is patently wrong to try to guilt him into taking responsibility for these boys, if he changes his mind and chooses otherwise once the shit show this D will likely devolve into gets underway.

Strength to you OP, because you are in a true lose/lose situation.

So, Op is left with two choices?:

1. Suck it up. Suffer in silence.

2. Confront his wife.

Well, we know from experience here that suffering in silence, even for the most selfless and disciplined individuals, involves some level of lifelong suffering. There’s little chance of true wholistic reconciliation. There’s no proper processing of the issues. No closure for anyone. It’s basically a rug sweep. There will be some level of resentment and eternal unrelenting questions on the BS’s part and, the torment of harboring terrible secrets on the WS’s part. There’s no real peace for anyone. From this point on the relationship is altered, for the worse, by an insidious dark force forever wearing on your relationship.

Or, you can shine light on it and lovingly confront and have the good chance of healthfully, methodically and definitively processing this to a proper resolution and/or a true reconciliation. Reconciliation for you both and, reconciliation between her and herself.

This forum is pro-reconciliation. Reconciliation with each other-of the marriage or, at the very least, a personal reconciliation with our tortured or troubled selves. Its not about rug sweeping.

There’s no need for the kids to know, at this time but, If my loving Father told me later in life that he was not my biological Father, I would love him all the more, with a bond that transcends the biological, knowing that his love is truly unconditional. I would be profoundly moved.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 10:42 PM, Friday, February 4th]

Always start with, "I know you have lied to me." Then go, "I know the kids aren't mine."

Or maybe just "Have you ever been unfaithful to me?"

This reads like the making of a Greek tragedy. The wife was so blasé about the tests. She hasn’t asked or shown curiosity. No one can be this secure if there was a chance that one of the kids is not his, let alone both.

I have to think this is some horrible mistake. Maybe because it seems so unrealistic that she would not be all over him wanting the results. But you never can tell.

There’s an old post on here about the perfect wife who fucked the father of one of her grade school kids friend for 9 years, then held it a secret for another 9. When it came out, she took the suicide route.

Let’s pray this is not another one of those.