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I have not felt much anger on or since dday, but I know it is one of the stages of grief. I did express some anger/disgust last night, but it seemed unproductive and didn’t make me feel any better and made him feel worse and now it seems like it just created distance.

When did you go thru the anger phase, what did that look like for you, how long did it last?

Hi ct,

I'm about 16 months past dday and I also have not felt much anger. In the weeks after dday I would have imaginary conversations with my WH and he would say something stupid (in my imagination) and then I would get angry but for the most part that was not how our interactions went. There were also one or two instances when I got angry but this was definitely the exception and not the rule.

But I have been so incredibly, indescribably hurt. Our MC at one point explained that hurt and anger were basically two sides of the same coin. Hurt was pain expressed inwards and anger was pain expressed outwards.

Well I was very angry for a long time. Somewhat abusive. My words. I said all the things I thought and I didn't care if they hurt. Nothing could dull my pain and my hurt. I tried ti make me WH feel as bad as I did. It took a long time to realize that he couldn't; possibly ever feel the way I did. But it took a long time. I took nothing back and I felt if you don't like it you can leave. Maybe not the best way to handle it. In retrospect I feel I should have left. And maybe away from WH I could have dealt with my feelings better

Anger sets in 12-18 months after discovery day and lasts another 12-18 months.

I don't remember the first go around. Probably bad words and a good amount of bad dreams/sleepless nights.

The second go around, a few times of drinking too much. A few days where I couldn't get out of bed. Lots of ugly crying, and I took a hammer to my wedding band.

The main anger phase eased up at about 3 years but I still hit anger peaks now and then at 5 years past d-day. At this stage its more like short lived anger that devolves into occasional depression.

Your still very early in from d-day. It will hit you upside the head about 4 months in. The hyper-vigilence, the sadness, the lack of self esteem and questioning your self worth. The anger comes in the later part. When you have had full atonement from him. They why’s answered. Everybody will go through the emotions of an affair. Some just take longer to heal than others.

I get angry at things I would have let go in the past. I dont know if it helps me or not but I just can't let anything fester, so if it doesn't feel right I have to say it, get it all out and move on. My anger is different now though, it's really just words whereby a year ago I wanted to lash out like a wounded animal.

Anger hit at ddsy2. It propelled me to finally stand up for myself and stop being a doormat. It lasted for too long but I have to say I addressed every issue we had in our marriage.

I stopped being a doormat and accepting things.

I remember being very angry at random moments like coming back from my parents house and putting some loud music on in my headphones and just cycling really fast to get the energy out of my body. I also remember getting mad during CC, when the counselor or my WEXBF would say triggering shit and I would cry and cry while being incredibly mad.

I remember shouting, punching matrasses/pillows, saying all kinds of ugly stuff (you will die alone, you will never find somebody to love you etc). The rage would be all-consuming sometimes, like a hot fire in my body.

At times I would become extremely cold and distant when mad. I would just be so upset that I would freeze.

I came across an Instagram post the other day, that said somebody's therapist told them that the anger part inside of them, was the part that knew the treatment/abuse was not deserved, that it was unacceptable. The anger part of you also loves you and wants the best for you.

I like that.

I am still angry with myself. Angry for being indecisive. Angry for allowing good people fall by the wayside. Angry I lost my best friend last Year and didn’t notice his pain. Angry that I allowed STBXWH to completely destroy my entire world. I will be angry with ME for quite some time.

You are just a few months from DDay, and could even still be in a little bit of shock. Early on it my symptoms were mostly physical. The real emotional roller coaster took a couple months to hit full speed. For me the raging anger didn’t set in until around 6 months (mostly just immense sadness before that). I still struggle now and then. Still a roller coaster. But I’m just 8 months since DDay which is still considered early. Reconciliation, even when everything is doing everything right, is at least a couple years.

Oh what I would give for a fast forward button. Or a time machine.

Anger hit me at 9 months post d.day, i had just found out the rest of the actual details about her A, after she stonewalled me before then, saying that i didnt need the details.. Up until then i had been very very easy going.. I had even helped the AP try and get a job when he lost his (nice one there Karma 🤣🤣..

After that point when the anger kicked in i would have zero tolerance for any bs from my WW.. the anger is fading now nearly 6months later, but has no where near gone yet.

I am hoping it does go away as i was never an angry person before.. And i miss the old me sometimes.

Haha. This is a wild one for me. Anger has always been a defense mechanism for me, so you could say it’s been rough. It hit me pretty quick, and hasn’t completely gone away. I’m just finally at a place where I see some light at the end of the tunnel, praying like hell its not a train, and am able to come out of those “episodes” a lot quicker and without sinking too deep.

Exhausting. All consuming and exhausting.

[This message edited by Chaos at 1:09 PM, June 15th (Monday)]

I'm about 15 months post DDay. Early days, I was just glad not to be in a ball on the floor, sobbing in a fetal position.

We eventually fell into a vicious cycle - which sometimes still rears it's ugly head. . I'd get triggered (and in our very small town, running into OW at least once a week would make things very difficult for me) and get ANGRY and say awful things that would push him away and then feel awful that he had the A - which pushed me away....and then the consequences of his A, my anger, pushed him away further. I liken it to circling the drain. It's brutal. Trying to remember where he is, right now today, instead of 15 months ago - helps. Asking for what I need, helps.

That being said, sometimes I still lose it. For the most part though, our marriage is better now than it was before the A. I like the man I'm married to much more for all the trying he's doing. Our MC also explained to him that the extreme emotions he was seeing from me was really just a testament to my profound loss and also my desire to work forward and forgive. Sounds like mumbo jumbo on the surface, but for me forgiveness and grief feel very similar.

One year and a half later and I am still very angry. My anger isn’t out of control anymore, but it’s still there bubbling below the surface. I hate the person it has made me become...well, no, I actually hate the person my husbands infidelity has made me become. Sometimes it’s hard to look in the mirror. I’m a completely different person, and it scares me to think I may never find the old me again. I guess I’m angry about that too.

For me, the anger/sadness/grief/depression hits me in waves. We are doing so much better and I do love seeing the changes and hard work my husband has devoted himself to in an attempt to be a better person and rebuild our marriage. But the anger, I just can’t quite let it go. I feel I need to in order to work on myself before it completely destroys me.

Being mad as hell and in pain for this long is exhausting...I hate it.

Edited to add- hardtomove, I feel exactly the same as you described. So very hurtful to the point of abusive to my H following dday. It’s not something I’m proud of, nor is it normal for me. Infidelity brought out the worst in me.

[This message edited by yellowledbetter at 4:18 PM, June 15th (Monday)]

Just remember... anger is a secondary emotion. There's always something beneath it - pain, hurt, sadness, abandonment, etc.

It's taken me a while, but when I get angry, I try to remember to ask myself which of those I'm feeling.

My angry phase started around month 4-8. Holy crap. I raged. RAGED. At one point, I threw a wine glass at him. (Outside, but still, that’s kinda crazy and was a mess to clean up).

Was it productive? No, not really, but bottling it would have been worse.

Also, my WH was not remorseful, and that probably amplified the rage.

If it happens, CT, it happens. Don’t worry about it. Just feel your true feelings because anything else will bite you later.

I grilled my H clothes on DD and without knowing what the 180 was...started it immediately.

I was a raging fireball for 4 months and it slowly fizzled down...but not out. 7 months out and I still throw down every week or so.

I can honestly say my 24 year marriage is MUCH better than pre-affair. But do I wish this pain on myself, OMG no.

For me it comes and goes. Somedays I feel nothing at all, just numbness. Others days I feel such deep pain that renders me helpless. Occasionally I have felt white hot rage---usually brought on by his defensiveness, or when he'd let more truth trickle out after previously assuring me that I already knew everything. One time I threw a full water bottle at him. It was a reaction that came unexpectedly and out of nowhere.

The anger for me is so frustrating. I'm not an angry type of person and I hate to feel this way. It's not a healthy emotion, but then again none of the emotions we are feeling right now are.