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My wife had 4 APs. AP 1 was dead before I learned of the affair. He was a good friend to both of us and it hurt a great deal to learn that he slept with my wife. The other three were cut out of her life. Well, my wife has a friend that was friends with AP 2. This friend informed her that AP 2 had a stroke. My wife, in my opinion, handled it beautifully. She simply said, "Sucks for him", then told her that she does not want to talk about him or his life and what happens in his life does not matter to her. But for me, it brought up a lot of emotions. I feel guilty because my first reaction was "Good". But I feel that I should not feel this way. I should have been like my wife and been indifferent to it. But I felt like it was justice for a moment before all these other emotions flooded me. Before anyone says anything, I will talk to my wife about this tonight. But I just wanted to vent some frustrations with myself. I think, for the most part, I could care less for what happens to her APs. But I should not want or hope for bad things to happen to them, right?

[This message edited by WilliamM at 10:46 AM, November 18th (Wednesday)]

As a Christian, I don't wish for negative things to happen to anyone. However, if I heard that one of XWW's AP's had something negative occur, I don't think I would feel any sympathy. Depending on the issue (maybe impotence?) I might feel as if it was deserved, maybe not.

I agree with you that it is best for BS's to be in a place where you have no reaction to it. The AP's life has no bearing and should have no control over emotions for the BS (hopefully).

You certainly didn't cause the stroke, so there is no need for you to feel bad in any way.

IMO, when something bad happens to someone, they can expect support from their friends and people they have supported. AP's are often liars and immoral, as they carry on relationships with married people. In my experience, people like this often don't have many friends and won't have much support in those situations.

As a good person.. No you should not want bad things to happen to anyone else no matter who they are..in this instance this is a serious thing to occur.. And most people would just pray for them to have a speedy recovery.

However, being a BS, when you do hear of some misfortune that has happened to the AP, I think it is not uncommon for you to have a moment where you think that karma is real..you may not quite revel in their misfortune.. But you aren't as sympathetic as others would be.

My wife's AP had nothing as serious or as possibly devastating as a stroke, they just lost their job.. Their first day back after I had confronted the pair of them.. No I was not sympathetic.. And yes I did chuckle to myself over it..yes I am a bad person...

I'm getting better at finding peace with this person who claimed to be a family friend for years -- but I'm not there yet.

While I suppose I don't actively wish for harm from a distance anymore, I don't think it would go very well if he evers enters my line of sight.

At the very minimum, knocking him the fuck out would make my day. It wouldn't change the facts of life, but it sure would feel great in that moment. The kind souls here at SI don't ever advocate any kind violence, and I respect that. But the former Marine in me knows a right hook can, at times, make a stronger point.

I think it's far more healthy to get to a place of apathy toward the AP.

Again, I'm just not there yet. And that's okay by me.

One of the prostitutes and drug buddies my XWH spent a lot of time with and cheated with most often died in a hit and run earlier this year. If I read about a random drug-addicted prostitute's life ending so young this way, I'd have had a moment of sadness for the wasted life. I found myself unable to feel anything about this woman dying. Nothing. Could not and cannot care. I don't feel joy over it and I don't feel sadness. The only thing I felt was the sick trigger of seeing her stupid face on the news, which had nothing to do with her and everything to do with the idiot I divorced. It does make a difference that I never focused on these sad APs and all of my anger and pain was on my XWH. The APs all became unpersons to me. I used to feel physically ill driving by the run down trailer she and her sister lived in, but her as a person? She was less than nothing to me. I find it sad that his actions led to me being unable to conjure up a basic feeling towards someone who had a shitty life and a shitty death.

[This message edited by DevastatedDee at 11:13 AM, November 18th (Wednesday)]

I hear you guys. A fleeting thought of "good, karma got him" may be normal for people with our histories. The Soldier in me wanted to fight back then. And they were smart enough to not come around me, contact my wife, or try and talk to me back then. I might have gone to jail. But now after so many years, I would have thought I would be like, "whatever", but I was not.

WM, I think your post highlights a big difference between the WS, I assume the AP and us as BS. As a BS I have wanted revenge/karma/justice to happen to the AP in some form or another and at times have wanted to be the driving force behind it. However my ‘moral compass’ as it were always makes me stop short of carrying out whatever clever plan I have come up with in my mind due to a number of points.

1. I am always worried about the consequences of such actions on myself and my WS.

2. I hold concern for the AP’s families.

3. I wouldn’t want to cause ANYONE, not even the devil’s incarnate my WS chose to fuck around with any kind of permanent harm.

As a BS I don’t seem to have the same type of ‘fuck it and the consequences’ selfish attitude my WS and his AP’s did. So I, like yourself have empathy even for the most hateful bitches I feel walk the earth and lay in my WS’s bed.

I don’t know if empathy is something that needs to be taught to children, I do know some people seem to lose the ability when they gain their selfishness.

I hope it is something that can be relearned, specifically by my WS.

I will admit that if I discovered something unfortunate had happened to any of the OW, I would have a momentary lapse and get a warm feeling through my heart and head. But know it would be short lived and soon to be replaced with concern which seems unfair.

I was just having this conversation recently with my cousin regarding feelings of guilt or not. I used to want to physically harm both my WS and the AP myself, and did so. But even after I did, it wasn’t enough, I would dream of beating the AP unconscious, and obsess about wanting her to hurt, or to die off the face of the earth already. I used to at times think of my WS experiencing horrible things too, and have in the past shortly after DDay told her I wished she’d die.

After an abundance of working through my own pain, I no longer feel the majority of those things. I do however want the karma bus to come get AP, and still couldn’t give two shits if the bitch died. I don’t feel bad or guilty about that. The difference now is I no longer feel the desperate need to be the one to cause her pain myself, nor do I obsess about it like before. She’s a shitty person, she fucks her own life (and self) up more than I ever could. Does she suffer more living like she does? Or would it be better if she just died off? I don’t really know, I do know I wouldn’t care if she died and would be like, “good riddance!” If I’m honest about it. No guilt.

My feelings are different when it comes to my WS. When I told her I wished she’d just die, or wanted her to experience negative karma, I felt extremely guilty. I’d apologize after and tell her I didn’t mean it. Because I really didn’t, I still care about her. Ideally I would want her to stop mistreating herself and find healing so she can live a quality life. I’d be sad for her if she never did that for herself.

When I was 14, I was gang raped by three 19 year old men. One of those men went on to kill his four month old son by beating him to death. He is now in prison for life. If he got further karma and was raped in prison, I can’t say I wouldn’t think, “Good.” Another one of those men I was told by a friend recently died of a drug overdose. I didn’t care. Two down, one to go. I don’t feel like a bad person for any of my feelings regarding these people. In fact, I know I’m not a bad person at all. Fuck these people.

[This message edited by maise at 12:02 PM, November 18th (Wednesday)]

As a BS I have wanted revenge/karma/justice to happen to the AP in some form or another and at times have wanted to be the driving force behind it. However my ‘moral compass’ as it were always makes me stop short of carrying out whatever clever plan I have come up with in my mind

I've felt EXACTLY the same way. Lots of "clever plans" that I would never act upon.

But if the POSOW LTA partner dropped dead tomorrow, I suspect I would get some pleasure out of that and not be indifferent (at least not yet). What's odd is that I think I would be indifferent if the AP that I DID know dropped dead. I dunno if it's bc AP2 is someone I'd met and knew personally or if its bc her sexual involvement with my WH was more limited (assuming one believes my WH).

Well, sad to say it, but I'd be at best indifferent at worst happy. He deserves whatever he gets, living a life in celibacy (which he was, last I checked with his W; against my recommendation I might add, because I think it makes him more likely to go f**k someone else's life up). His W D'ing him and taking him to cleaner. And yes, even physical harm; I've often thought "what would I do if there weren't any consequences" and, well, the answer isn't something I'm proud of.

Honestly, the biggest thing that kept me from hunting him down is his family; his wife doesn't deserve that and his kids don't deserve that. However, that said, I often wonder if I'd sought him out and sent him to the hospital if maybe his wife/kids would be better off because he'd stop f**king other people's wives. Sadly, I doubt it, he'd probably just move on prostitutes or single women, but hey, it's not that hard to mentally justify a beatdown as "the right thing to do".

When my W told him I knew, the first thing he asked "Do I have to be worried", IE, was I going to track him down. What a f**king POS. Yes, asshole, you need to be worried, that's why we don't do sh*tty things to other people, so we don't have to worry. Especially people who are "friends" with you, good reason you don't f**k their wives.

Something bad happened to my AP. A few years back he got injured at work and has been on long-term disability ever since, while awaiting litigation for the accident.

However, I heard from coworkers that he lives off his girlfriend (not a BGF), so I guess it’s not turning out that badly for him. 🤷🏻‍♀️

However, a lot more bad things have happened to me since the affair, so if there had been an OBS, I’m sure she would be enjoying the schadenfraude.

Meh. I would feel bad for her children. But,then, I already do.

The bitch wouldn't leave me alone. She only contacted my husband, after dday, because she wanted to hurt me. She told me this. She took a ONS, and turned it into this whole,drawn out,love affair. She lied and lied, trying to hurt me. (Husband has passed 2 polygraphs, and I have evidence to prove her wrong). She started stalking my adult daughter. Hell,the bitch even found me here. I know that only because she sent me a message on Facebook outting herself.

If she were to drop dead tomorrow, I would smile. And I don't care if that makes me look bad.

A really, really bad thing happened to all of my STBXW's AP's.

They got involved with her.

Enjoy the STD! (That she also gave me)

Also, for the last AP that is actually living with her now, he is in for a ride.

I do not envy him. He deserves all that is coming his way, though.

I just learned the other month that WW's AP is dead. Not sure when, as it's been years since any contact.

I should have been like my wife and been indifferent to it.

Why? I'm not. AP in no means was filling my head, but I don't need to be totally indifferent. If I was, so be it. But my initial response? "Too bad, buddy. You aren't going to be missed by me. You wanted to insert yourself into my life, so I don't have a shred of compassion for you leaving yours."

And for the record, I'm a pretty compassionate guy.....just not so much for the ones who trespassed in MY life.

My EX wife’s AP met with me to fund his business. The fact she set it up with him and it would have tied us together for years was something I could never get over.

He cobbled money from friends and family, but was drastically under capitalized. He went ahead anyway losing everything and having to run away in the middle of the night to escape his now former friends from knee capping him.

I took great pleasure in this, but feel a little bad for his wife and kids having their lives uprooted.

When I told my ex (still wife at the time) she just teared up and said how sorry she was for bringing him into our lives. She didn’t know it happened which was a positive on my end

The APs don't take up a lot of space in my head thankfully. But when they do get in there I hope they all get all the STDs and are miserable and get shit on the rest of their stupid lives. And I do not feel bad or guilty one whit for feeling this way. Nor would I feel bad for feeling karmic vindication if I heard something bad happened to them.

I am a very compassionate and caring person, but with the damage those twats did to me I have zero empathy or compassion for any of them. I don't owe them that.

Nah, I don't feel bad. OW and xH were fine with whatever was going to happen to me and my kids, while they were riding in the sunset of loooove, happiness and skittle's farts. Mucho thanks to OW for saving the xh from his awful marriage, taking care of his needs in car parks and being out of a marriage he didn't want to be in anyway. Just forgot to give me the heads up, but he's human after all.

Whatever they get, they deserve it. Ha.

But I should not want or hope for bad things to happen to them, right?

There's a difference between hoping something bad happens to somebody, and that momentary involuntary reaction of "Good" when something happens to somebody who has wronged you. I don't think having an initial reaction of "Good" makes you a bad person at all. I also don't think having no sympathy for them makes you a bad person.

I'm a pretty empathetic person, almost to a fault, but if something happened to my WH's first AP, I wouldn't care.

I suppose that I might tell the same way whether my STBXWW's AP died as if he moved away. It would be somewhere in between relief and indifference. Not because I wish him ill, but because I wish myself good. I wouldnt have to live each day wondering where I might run into him. It would uncomplicate life.

As a fWW, I think about OBS a lot. I hope her life is exactly what she wants. I hope she’s happy in whatever form that may look like. When good things happen for me I say a little prayer and hope the good vibes I send out are reaching her. As for XAP, I don’t think about him at all. I know BH does from time to time but I don’t think he actively wants something bad to happen to him but might take some momentary pleasure if he did hear something.

I will never presume to speak for OBS but if she does actively hope for bad things to happen to me, well, I don’t blame her - I can’t say that I would feel any different if I were in her shoes. Infidelity is so profoundly wrong on so many levels - the person who vowed to never betray you was helped by someone who may not have made vows specifically to you but has a responsibility as a woman & human being to behave themselves. Please alleviate any guilt you may have for getting that moment of satisfaction from their misfortune - it’s well deserved and says a whole lot more about them than it does you.